To ask mums ahead of play dates if their children have a cold or a bug etc?

[lzn]

I was born and raised abroad and moved here to be with my now-husband, so I think my mindset can be a little different from some of the more local mums. I’d really love to hear your thoughts on this—and honestly, if you think I’m off base or setting my daughter up to be a friendless hermit, I’m open to hearing that too!

My daughter is 3, I’m currently pregnant with baby #2, and I’m a stay-at-home mum. She’s not in nursery (we tried—it was a disaster, not the point of the post so let’s take this as a given rather than discuss), so I make a big effort to give her regular social time at the park and through playdates.

The tricky bit is this: a few times now I’ve arranged playdates and the other parent has shown up saying their child had a temperature very recently or the child looks clearly unwell—coughing, runny nose, that sort of thing, or the mum herself is coughing non stop. I totally get that kids catch colds and it’s just part of being a child, but when a whole household goes down—especially with a toddler—it’s tough. Surely it’s basic politeness to avoid spreading a cold that you have. And when you’re pregnant, it’s even harder.

I always give a heads-up if we’re under the weather and let the other parent decide if they’re still comfortable meeting. So my question is—would it be weird or off-putting to include a little check-in before playdates, like: “Still good for 2pm tomorrow? Everyone feeling okay—no colds or coughs? We’re all healthy and looking forward to it!”

Is that too much? Too fussy? Or is there a better, less awkward way to phrase it?

I think if you have children in nursery you barely notice if they have a runny nose as it’s perpetual for 8 months of the year. I wouldn’t necessarily think to tell a friend about that as most have children in nursery too or are otherwise constantly exposed to other children who have colds. So a play date with a child with a cold doesn’t really increase the risk.

I wouldn’t meet up just after a tummy bug or with a child with a fever.

Absolutely ok. It’s a good idea. If friends don’t respect this then they are not your friends.

You can’t dodge all coughs and colds. So you avoid the one from the play date but still catch it the next day at the supermarket. It’s a pointless game.
avoiding a sick bug possibly a bit more logical

@Heidi2018i obviously wouldn’t take my child to the playground whilst they are coughing. But if my child’s peak illness has passed, I would have kept them indoors for a few days, and if I feel it wouldn’t be damaging to their own health to ride their scooter in the park then yes they can do. If I feel like they would feel worse from going to the park, then they’d stay at home

I would be well annoyed if someone met us with a child clearly sick. I cancel any play dates if DD is ill and I expect the same from my friends. And they cancel if their kids are sick. None of us finds it weird/rude. We are all from other countries though and that’s what we would do back in our home countries too.

And yes, I do think a mum who brings an infectious child to a playground isn’t capable of making sensible decisions as an adult

So...You...? You're incapable of making sensible decisions as an adult?

If your child could still be contagious enough to warn someone but you're taking them to the park then you're part of the problem you're so worried about

@IHopeYouStepOnALegPiecebig difference between taking your child to a busy playground or on a play date , and choosing the quieter roads in a park so your child can go out on their own. And if the other mum is insisting that she wants to socialise with my child when they’re still coughing, well, that’s on her after she’s been clearly warned.

Is this why you took your daughter out of nursery?

My daughter was admitted to hospital 10 times last year with viral infections, it sucks, I get it, but the advice from most doctors was she is building her immune system. She was not as sick this past winter as she was the one before. She goes to nursery because I need to work, so I always go and meet friends with snotty nose etc, because what would be the point of keeping her away from friends but then back in nursery in the morning to pick something up.

I would stay at home if it was norovirus or something like hand foot and mouth, or if I were going to visit a child with complex medical needs.

I think my threshold is pretty high for expecting anyone to even consider this... but my kids were at nursery from 1 year old or so and were constantly snotty, coughing, etc. And we went through covid so I hate cancelling anything now after years of cancelling everything. So it wouldn't occur to me to mention a cold or a cough but I am very twitchy about stomach bugs and everyone knows this about me. I would never ask ahead of time though, my friends just know me well enough by now! But if I waited for everyone to not have a cough at the same time my kids would never go to school or have anyone over.

I think if there's someone who does this regularly just meet outside? Or stop meeting up altogether if you don't agree on the level that is reasonable.

I suppose it depends on your definition of unwell. My 4 year old has a runny nose on and off because she’s at nursery, it wouldn’t stop me sending her or from going to playgroup. If it was combined with fever, lethargy etc then yes.
im not sure if you’re BU or not to be honest.

@Scottishshopaholic
nope, reason she didn’t continue going to nursery had nothing to do with this

Coughs can really linger though. My DD coughed pretty continuously for about 7 weeks. By continuously it was several times a minute basically all day. I obviously didn't keep her off school for 7 weeks.

I would try to mainly meet up out and about if you are worried about illness. If messaging, do as a PP said and mention being extra cautious right now after being ill plus being pregnant.

Tbh I find it tricky when someone gives me a heads up their child is a bit ill. I feel it's hard for me to judge from a distance whether it's OK to meet up and then I either feel awkward cancelling or awkward meeting up! I guess it is useful e.g. before we are about to go on holiday when I can say 'not risking it right now' (phrased more politely!)

This is a pretty good message.

I will say that I wouldn’t take a child to a play date if they had a temperature (mainly because they would feel crappy with a temperature) but I may not even notice if they have a cough because that’s half the winter (and the Spring - for me - because of hay fever).

It depends what you mean though: the nursery snotty nose is fairly constant for a while, but my dd would have this every 2ish weeks but not be 'ill': she's just snotty. Would you want me to cancel?

If they are unwell (temp, sickness, lacking in energy) I'd cancel anyway tbh, but if I cancelled every tim2 shed had a runny nose in childcare we'd not leave the house

To be fair, since you've said nursery is not an option, gentle day to day exposure might be better to build up an immunity now rather than when you're potentially trying to settle her into school in the future. Imagine having a child that's struggling to settle into school and also feeling under the weather as they've not been exposed or worse having to take regular time off with these common bugs and struggling to settle long term. Just carry on as you are and if little one gets poorly now she will have you to care for her and not have to worry about going to school etc

My closest mum friends know my pet peeve is sick kids being socialised.

I understand germs is part of the parcel with nursery but I see it as a bonus that DD is less exposed to all those illnesses.

I’ve been very British about it that I don’t want sick kids around mine as DH catches everything and will end up with Man-flu ‘ha ha ha’. Which is true, but seems a bit more polite than ‘we don’t fancy a grouchy toddler for four days just because you wanted to get your toddler out the house for an hour’.

I bloody hate sick kids being out in public. I wish we would go back to leaving sick people at home. It’s disgusting.

I think when you make plans, it would be fine to say something along the lines of “I know it might seem neurotic, but as I’m pregnant I’m doing my best to try and avoid any colds and bugs, so just in case you do show symptoms of anything, please cancel me as I’d rather that than catch something”. That wouldn’t put me off at all, and I’d probably suggest we meet up outside just in case x

I am super mad if someone doesn’t give me a heads up that they’re sick before turning up! My friends all know that now so always cancel if needed!

When you make a plan, can't you you just ask them let you know ahead if poorly so you can rearrange as you want to try to avoid bugs when possible. That doesn't seem to precious, weird or difficult to me or is it?

I had a mum friend who was like this. She was also very accusatory post play date if her DC got a sniffle "has your child been ill recently because little Persephone has now come down with a bug and she's only been with your dc" (and to the supermarkets the library etc). Too much hard work.

A runny nose is one thing but a temperature is a different matter. I would keep a child with a temperature at home, not take them to a playdate - especially when the host is pregnant. I am not surprised that this experience has prompted you to consider the message, OP.

This is exactly the sort of nonsense I'd be wary about if I received a message asking for confirmation that my child won't cough or have a runny nose during the meet-up.

DH’s ex is like this. We just shut her down and don’t answer any questions. She’s obsessed with health and has massive anxiety. Yet SDC’s diet and lifestyle is terrible.

YANBU OP other parents are shockingly lax.

We’ve ended up with a few very nasty bugs from other parents bringing their children to our CM, insisting their kids are fine when they’re clearly not fine (no doubt having calpol ed them up prior to drop off) or bringing them back exactly 48 hours after noro viruses when the virus was still lingering.

It’s maddening when everyone then has to start the whole cycle of missed attendance/work affected because of these people.

YANBU

(Some) brittons just have a Stockholm syndrome with their bugs.

There is no specific value in letting the child catch as many bugs as early as possible, immune system is developing enough with normal levels of contacts.

I suppose you just need to "explain" you have a reason to be slightly more careful than usually and ask for consideration, and it should be fine.

If someone gets stroppy about it, you can't help it.