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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He gave me the ick in Lake Garda

636 replies

EyeBogie · 21/05/2025 09:11

First holiday together, been dating for just under a year. We went to Garda and before hand we’d discussed the way we wanted the holiday to work.

We arrived at hotel at 3pm. He threw himself onto the bed saying “I’m knackered”. (I’ve noticed he says this a lot). I made a coffee, did some unpacking, caught up with my phone and sat on balcony for a bit. At around 5pm I said “you ready to go out?” And he laughed and said “no! We’ve only just got here!” I said “I just mean a walk?” (the lake was literally across the road from hotel). He said “oh no, can’t be arsed with that tonight, I just want food and bed”. It was 5pm!! So I said “ok, well I’m off for a walk”. He was annoyed that I was going out anyway and started sulking. I went for a walk by myself, returned at 6:30ish. He was irritable and asked where I’d been as he was starving. I said “there’s a shop just down the road.” He said “I’m on holiday, I don’t want to be doing shopping!” 🙄 we went to hotel restaurant.

Next day I woke up at 6am (always an early riser, can’t help it). I made a coffee then went out for a walk. Came back at 8amish. He’s still asleep. I got a shower, made another coffee. 10amish I woke him up and asked if he wanted a coffee. He said he did. I made him one - he fell back asleep and let it go cold. 11am - woke him to again, he asked for another coffee. I made him one - he fell asleep again. I woke him back up at 11:30 and said I wanted to head out, asked if he was coming. He asked for another coffee - I said he could make himself one as I’d made him two already that had been wasted.,he started whinging so I said “it’s almost lunch time, I’m bored and I’m going out, are you coming?” He said he just wanted to relax around the hotel today 🙄 he said he wanted to use the pool. Fine. I went out and hired a bike, spent all afternoon visiting the little towns. Got back at 5pm - he’s still in bed playing on his phone. I said “did you use the pool?” So he said “on my own? No! I was waiting for you to come back!”.

So - after this day I thought maybe a discussing was needed about tomorrow’s plans. Idea was we would get a bus to Verona. He said he was still happy to do this. Next day arrived - same scenario. Numerous cups of coffee gone cold, me sat around bored, getting on for lunch time he’s still asleep. I snapped in the end and said “are you actually going to do anything on this holiday?? I’m going to Verona at 12pm. Remember we’d said we’d set off at 10am?? Half day wasted already”. He reluctantly got up, saying it’s meant to be a holiday to relax etc etc

We got to Verona at 2pm. As soon as we got there he was nattering about food saying he’d not eaten all day 🙄 he had no interest in seeing any sights, just wanted to sit and eat.

We managed to see the museum and that was it.

The whole holiday was like this. It’s given me the ick. Lazyness. AIBU here??

OP posts:
anon4net · 21/05/2025 13:39

Imagine this exact situation but at home on a Saturday morning with a couple of kids in tow. Dishes needing doing, kids needing to go out/be entertained, you've been up several times with the toddler while he slept or made snide comments when he was awoken by the noise. There are piles of laundry waiting to be done and you've just worked all week in a paid job, as has he but he's 'knackered'.

This will be your life. It won't change. The romantic illusion he will be a great husband and father is just that.

He's given you a great foreshadow of what is to come.

Believe him.

cordeliavorkosigan · 21/05/2025 13:41

Absolutely ick ick ick .
Never holiday with him again, op.
But how is he at home in the weekend?
Do not have DC with this guy.

Pembrokecrier · 21/05/2025 13:41

You are both two extremes so therefore are not compatible.

You are not unreasonable to want to finish the relationship but you are unseasonable if you think your way of holidaying will suit everyone.

WayneEyre · 21/05/2025 13:42

I'm with you mostly.I accept I'm an early riser and that's fine. I leave DP to it when he wants a lie in. But this guy sounds boring. Not wanting to go out in the evening, get up til lunch every day, missing plans, eating Mcdonalds on holiday. Yes he can do whatever he wants but it wouldn't be for me.

I think you were a bit unreasonable about him wanting to eat in Verona but you ideally want a nice complementary pace and some compromise where necessary.

You were both doing your own thing and resenting it somewhat. I think he is largely to blame but get the impression you're a bit set in your ways too.

Bobnobob · 21/05/2025 13:42

He sounds awful but is this a complete surprise to you? Were you not talking about the kind of holiday you wanted to go on and things you wanted to do before you booked it? Does he sleep that much at home? Is everything always about him? (my DH isn’t a fan of Thai food for example but always suggests that we go to a Thai restaurant if there is a nice one nearby because he knows it’s my favourite)

Anyway, throw this one back OP.. you are not compatible

Crikeyalmighty · 21/05/2025 13:47

Thing is OP even some pretty ‘out and about ‘ people don’t necessarily think as you do - I love small foreign towns and markets and sight seeing BUT I also love cafes and beach shacks and restaurants etc and a lot of our holiday is choosing and picking places for meals and nice evening drinks etc ( whilst wandering round) - it’s one of the things we are comparable on - whereas he would spend hours in the sea and I don’t like it at all , but do love a poolside book and a snack and a drink - so we do that separately - probably why I am usually 4kg up after holidays and you with the cereal bar breakfast probably aren’t!! lol

you need to think if it’s a deal breaker for you - if it isn’t, pick wisely and accept plenty of time on your own and rendezvous for lunch and pre dinner drinks and meals - if you want more ‘togetherness, he isn’t going to be it’ - his idea of a relaxing break simply isn’t yours.

ZenNudist · 21/05/2025 13:48

Neither of you are unreasonable. You just want different things from a holiday. You sound unable to communicate. First holiday together I'd expect to spend a lot of time in bed! Not up at 6am nor sleeping!

Just find someone more on your wavelength

GingerPaste · 21/05/2025 13:50

Agix · 21/05/2025 09:17

That's not laziness. It's a difference on energy levels and different ideas about what relaxing is.

You would sound really hard work to a lot of people who also like staying in, sleeping late, and lounging on their holiday.

I'm an early riser too, and I can't just sit around waiting/nothing to really do. But it's not laziness just because someone is different to me, and it's not fair for me to drag them about on their holiday.

My father is on the other end of the scale, and is all go go go on holiday... Does. Not. Stop. And has to drag everyone with him. It's hell, even if I am more on that side of things... He's extreme. He thinks like you, that everyone has to match his energy levels and enthusiasm else they are "wrong". Don't go on holiday with him anymore. It's an unpleasant experience.

You probably gave each other the ick on that holiday.

^This.

I wouldn’t be lying in bed till 11am but I also probably wouldn’t want to be ‘on the go’ from dawn till dusk.

You’re not compatible.

Dymaxion · 21/05/2025 13:51

You sound really incompatible holiday wise. He wanted to chill and not move far from the food and pool, you wanted to explore and be out and about. Both are perfectly valid types of holiday.

Crikeyalmighty · 21/05/2025 13:52

By the way the best MaccyDs I’ve ever had ( and I’m not a huge fan) was in Verona- it had a lovely courtyard and different choices to UK - I do agree Italy can be quite hard for ‘snacking’ - especially if like me I’m not keen on pizza slices etc . It’s way more geared up to people eating proper lunches and I’ve yet to have what I call a great hotel breakfast in Italy either - seemed an awful lot of cake and pastries- best hotel breakfasts I’ve had were in Sweden , Denmark and higher end hotels in Germany

chaosmaker · 21/05/2025 13:52

@EyeBogie I'd be bored out of my mind with that holiday and I can be fairly lazy but that's for at home where every day is pretty much the same. Holidays are for exploring.

Did you dump him yet? Also is he like this usually?

Cherrytree86 · 21/05/2025 13:56

DappledThings · 21/05/2025 13:30

So wiped out that you want to spend time and money flying to another country just to stay in bed? Why bother leaving your house at all if you just want to sleep

@Calliopespa

this! Just stay home in bed and save your money!

summerscomingsoon · 21/05/2025 13:57

you are just different people.. neither is wrong you're just not suited.

He wants to go on hols and relax by pool and eat in restaurants, you want to go and do as much as you can and buy food from shops.

least you found out now

Mix56 · 21/05/2025 13:59

You can stay at home & sleep all day, then get up in the afternoon for junk food.
Absolutely no point in paying to go abroad to spend it horizontal.
At least you have this info now.
Ditch the idiot

FindingNeverland28 · 21/05/2025 14:07

And this is why they say to go on holiday before you move in together.

Gardengirl108 · 21/05/2025 14:11

When you had the pre-trip discussion, what was agreed between the two of you? Some lazy days, combined with some sightseeing? Did he agree with anything? Did he make suggestions? Did he take responsibility to book flights, accommodation, etc. or did you plan it all? It feels like a real mis-match in expectations. Options are either to discuss and make agreements re future trips or cut your losses due to this incompatibility. I had a similar situation when we went on holiday with wider family. We actually had a holiday meeting where everyone agreed sleeping arrangements (we were renting a villa) and how we would handle days out (we hired two cars) so that nobody felt they had to go everywhere together and people could do their own thing. As soon as we got there, these agreements flew out of the window - there were arguments and it took a long while to get those relationships back on track. Edited for typo

crumblingschools · 21/05/2025 14:15

So what had been the plan for the holiday when you booked it.

We went to Lake Garda a few years ago with DC. We split the holiday between exploring the area and lounging by the pool. So it can be a sit by the pool holiday, if you don't want to explore. But certainly not worth going if just going to sit in your room and eat McDonalds

theDudesmummy · 21/05/2025 14:18

Ugh. Unless he is ill in some way or recently put on some medication with sedation as a side effect, this is awful behaviour and I would dump him on the spot. He sounds very adolescent.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 21/05/2025 14:22

This would drive me mad. Such a waste of a holiday, he may as well be at home.
It's fine if both people are like this and don't mind losing half the day but you're really not compatible.

herbaceous · 21/05/2025 14:22

Must be something about Lake Garda. I was also afflicted with the ick with an ex. Final straw was dithering over which gelato flavour to have of the eleventy billion on display. 'I'll have two scoops. Chocolate, and, er..... chocolate.' FFS.

BlackSwan · 21/05/2025 14:22

He failed. You gained valuable information though.

But I really came here to say the title of your post sounds like the first line of a limerick.

Sassybooklover · 21/05/2025 14:24

Well, the upside is that you now know you're not really compatible. I can't imagine flying to Lake Garda and staying in bed until just before lunch and then complaining about visiting anywhere! What is the point of going away?! May be his idea of a holiday is sitting by a pool for 2 weeks? It clearly isn't yours, and going forward that's going to cause issues. Imagine if you had children?! He'd be doing nothing with them, whilst you had to entertain them all the time!! I'd throw this one back.

herbaceous · 21/05/2025 14:24

He gave me the ick in Lake Garda.
Maybe I should have tried harder
But it seems to be rude
Just to want bed and fast food
When surrounded by Italy's bounteous larder.

PlacidPenelope · 21/05/2025 14:25

Ugh, as others have said chuck him back.

What was the point of him going on holiday if all he wanted to do was sleep? Complete waste of time and money visiting such a place. I am glad you did go out but he still managed to ruin it for you with his laziness.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2025 14:26

You’re at two ends of the holiday scale.

You, up early, wants to be doing things. Day is wasting, time is fleeting, go go go.

He is up late, relaxing, eating —crap or I would agree with him—, sleeping, recharging.

If either of you was in the middle, it would be fine. One day lounging around, one day seeing everything. One day eating and wandering, one day snacking from the fridge. But because you are on different ends, there’s no compromise.

Essentially, you’re both wrong!