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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He gave me the ick in Lake Garda

636 replies

EyeBogie · 21/05/2025 09:11

First holiday together, been dating for just under a year. We went to Garda and before hand we’d discussed the way we wanted the holiday to work.

We arrived at hotel at 3pm. He threw himself onto the bed saying “I’m knackered”. (I’ve noticed he says this a lot). I made a coffee, did some unpacking, caught up with my phone and sat on balcony for a bit. At around 5pm I said “you ready to go out?” And he laughed and said “no! We’ve only just got here!” I said “I just mean a walk?” (the lake was literally across the road from hotel). He said “oh no, can’t be arsed with that tonight, I just want food and bed”. It was 5pm!! So I said “ok, well I’m off for a walk”. He was annoyed that I was going out anyway and started sulking. I went for a walk by myself, returned at 6:30ish. He was irritable and asked where I’d been as he was starving. I said “there’s a shop just down the road.” He said “I’m on holiday, I don’t want to be doing shopping!” 🙄 we went to hotel restaurant.

Next day I woke up at 6am (always an early riser, can’t help it). I made a coffee then went out for a walk. Came back at 8amish. He’s still asleep. I got a shower, made another coffee. 10amish I woke him up and asked if he wanted a coffee. He said he did. I made him one - he fell back asleep and let it go cold. 11am - woke him to again, he asked for another coffee. I made him one - he fell asleep again. I woke him back up at 11:30 and said I wanted to head out, asked if he was coming. He asked for another coffee - I said he could make himself one as I’d made him two already that had been wasted.,he started whinging so I said “it’s almost lunch time, I’m bored and I’m going out, are you coming?” He said he just wanted to relax around the hotel today 🙄 he said he wanted to use the pool. Fine. I went out and hired a bike, spent all afternoon visiting the little towns. Got back at 5pm - he’s still in bed playing on his phone. I said “did you use the pool?” So he said “on my own? No! I was waiting for you to come back!”.

So - after this day I thought maybe a discussing was needed about tomorrow’s plans. Idea was we would get a bus to Verona. He said he was still happy to do this. Next day arrived - same scenario. Numerous cups of coffee gone cold, me sat around bored, getting on for lunch time he’s still asleep. I snapped in the end and said “are you actually going to do anything on this holiday?? I’m going to Verona at 12pm. Remember we’d said we’d set off at 10am?? Half day wasted already”. He reluctantly got up, saying it’s meant to be a holiday to relax etc etc

We got to Verona at 2pm. As soon as we got there he was nattering about food saying he’d not eaten all day 🙄 he had no interest in seeing any sights, just wanted to sit and eat.

We managed to see the museum and that was it.

The whole holiday was like this. It’s given me the ick. Lazyness. AIBU here??

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 21/05/2025 12:52

giddyauntie123 · 21/05/2025 12:48

The lying on the bed waiting for 'you to come home' before he could even go in the pool is weird. Did you organise the holiday? I bet you did.

i think of course she did as he doesn't seem to grasp the type of trip lake garda is.

lots of looking at the water and waking about then looking at the water. then eating and looking at the water. then visiting some stones and looking at the water.

ChopstickNovice · 21/05/2025 12:52

You're not compatible. Great that you have found this out now and not further down the line!
I am a morning person, and a "let's do stuff!" person and my DH is too, although lesser, so we manage a balance of lie-ins and sightseeing when away.

Bloozie · 21/05/2025 12:53

This is exactly what my other is like on holiday. It drives me to pure rage. But I don't think either of us is right, we just have mismatched energy. My husband is always tired. I have ADHD and can go and go and go. I genuinely don't enjoy holidays with him and don't see the point of spending thousands of pounds to lie in bed. I can do that at home.

He doesn't see the point in running around on holiday when he wants to relax.

Anyway - it's not going to get better. Unless he's amazing in all other regards, I'd cut my losses in this relationship. I promise you, sitting in a hotel room staring daggers at someone hoping they'll wake up gets OLD really fast.

WearyAuldWumman · 21/05/2025 12:54

Latterly, my late husband slept a lot on holiday and I'd go off by myself (with his agreement). The difference is that my husband was in his 70s and had had a stroke.

You're incompatible, OP. Dump him.

MaggieBsBoat · 21/05/2025 12:55

Goodness @EyeBogie and pps there’s no need to eat unless one has hunger. OP is spot on with this. Maybe that’s why there’s an obesity epidemic.

Anyway, all this would be ok from him if he didn’t sulk about you going and doing things. But even with that in mind, a relationship should be about sharing things including experiences. Methinks this holiday is the line in the sand. Unless he’s great the rest of the time and then you just go on holidays without him.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 21/05/2025 12:57

Just sounds like you have very different expectations from a holiday. His is lazing around / sleeping, you sound like me and want to make the most of being there.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 21/05/2025 12:57

Oooo let me know how it is. I go Tuesday with my mum and 15 year old on a wowcher trip. I'm flying to another airport though and have had to hire a car which I'm petrified off but I'm only going for 2 nights 3 days. Let me know how much the bikes are please so I can budget accordingly. Have a fab time. It sounds like he just wants alot of sex and sleep he sees it as rest and you want to explore

andweallloveclover · 21/05/2025 12:58

It is massively clear you are totally incompatible.

One of you gets up at 6am and wants to be out the door sightseeing all day and the other wants to relax and lay in, lounge by the pool and go out for nice food. Neither is wrong and neither is right. You are just different.

For all you know he may have got the ick also. And see you as bossy, controlling and annoying getting up at 6am and not allowing him to relax on his holiday. That is not a dig by the way, just trying to see how he may have interpreted things.

I think a first holiday together is a big test on compatibility. Imagine if you lived together and what your weekends would be like. Would you be up early wanting to make the most of your weekend and he lie in wanting to relax and spend the weekend doing nothing much?

I think its good that you have had this eye opener into your relationship and what things could be like further down the line.

Now you get to decide if there is a compromise to made here, could you make this work? Or is it time to admit you are too different and call it a day and waste no more time on this.

CharlotteLightandDark · 21/05/2025 12:58

Calliopespa · 21/05/2025 11:44

It’s possible he was just exhausted. Sometimes people rush finish projects etc before a holiday.

Maybe if he didn’t live on McDonald’s and subway he’d have a bit more energy, he doesn’t sound ill to me just dull and a wet lettuce

TheAmusedQuail · 21/05/2025 13:02

CharlotteLightandDark · 21/05/2025 12:58

Maybe if he didn’t live on McDonald’s and subway he’d have a bit more energy, he doesn’t sound ill to me just dull and a wet lettuce

Some people (probably not this BF to be fair) work 80 hour weeks (I used to, and still work 50-60 hours weekly) and desperately need our holidays as downtime.

Not dull. Exhausted. Judgemental much?

giddyauntie123 · 21/05/2025 13:02

I think the 'ick is because you've gone into parent mode.
He's turned into a child on holiday and is acting weirdly dependent on you.
If he was 'lazy' but had gone down to the pool by himself, ordered a few drinks, was reading a book or chatting to others I don't imagine you'd feel the same level of repulsion

GoldieFish · 21/05/2025 13:04

CharlotteLightandDark · 21/05/2025 12:58

Maybe if he didn’t live on McDonald’s and subway he’d have a bit more energy, he doesn’t sound ill to me just dull and a wet lettuce

Yes, he does.That's not fuel for a normal level of activity on a regular basis, and it suggests his level of curiosity about the world around him is matched by his lack of openness to try foods of other places...

wordler · 21/05/2025 13:06

Doesn’t sound like either of you were listening to each other when you discussed how the holiday would work.

When you are together in the UK what time does he get up on a weekend? Are your sleeping and eating schedules compatible at home?

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 21/05/2025 13:06

This would drive me mad! He sounds like my little brother - happy to just lie around on the internet. He will not change! You will spend your life waiting on this man, if you have kids you will be the one dressing them, feeding them, packing bags and daddy will just lie in bed or on the sofa and you will all then spend hours waiting around for him before you can leave. If you want to spend life feeling like you are in a waiting room you should stay with this man but if you want to live life I think you may have to part ways!

ElleintheWoods · 21/05/2025 13:09

Darling, I think you’re overly focused on people that criticise your eating habits. They are what they are and you’ve already made it clear that you’d have liked some meals with him/ willing to compromise.

Everyone has their own preferences and you two just clearly don’t have the same ones. I’d say communication could also be better though. You’ve driven yourself to a point where you’ve had to snap at him, whereas flagging things earlier and in a different way may have helped. And I know you’ve said about discussing plans prior, so sounds like you’ve done that to a fair degree.

IMO it’s a waste of time and money to sleep and eat fast food in a beautiful location. This holiday would drive me bonkers and I’d be off doing my own thing like you. And planning a breakup.

I used to date someone like that. When I was 19! He would want to stay in bed and insist I do the same. Literally just in a dark room sleeping on a beautiful summer day. I got so so frustrated and felt trapped so often.

Just. Don’t. Cut him loose sooner rather than later, you’re different people.

CharlotteLightandDark · 21/05/2025 13:11

TheAmusedQuail · 21/05/2025 13:02

Some people (probably not this BF to be fair) work 80 hour weeks (I used to, and still work 50-60 hours weekly) and desperately need our holidays as downtime.

Not dull. Exhausted. Judgemental much?

I’m judging this guy yes along with every other poster because he’s lazy and uninterested - not judging you or anyone else keep your knickers on.

KnittyNell · 21/05/2025 13:11

Agix · 21/05/2025 09:17

That's not laziness. It's a difference on energy levels and different ideas about what relaxing is.

You would sound really hard work to a lot of people who also like staying in, sleeping late, and lounging on their holiday.

I'm an early riser too, and I can't just sit around waiting/nothing to really do. But it's not laziness just because someone is different to me, and it's not fair for me to drag them about on their holiday.

My father is on the other end of the scale, and is all go go go on holiday... Does. Not. Stop. And has to drag everyone with him. It's hell, even if I am more on that side of things... He's extreme. He thinks like you, that everyone has to match his energy levels and enthusiasm else they are "wrong". Don't go on holiday with him anymore. It's an unpleasant experience.

You probably gave each other the ick on that holiday.

Yes I totally agree with you.
They sound totally incompatible.

Rememberwhatthedoorknobsaid · 21/05/2025 13:12

Littledidsheknow · 21/05/2025 09:16

Bloody hell, what a lazy, selfish dullard.

You need a much better boyfriend/holiday companion.

“Dullard” love that - so accurate - yep get rid

JifNtGif · 21/05/2025 13:12

Floofyboy2010 · 21/05/2025 09:16

Ew. That would be it for me as I definitely could not ever have sex with him again. 🤢

weird response

Bluedenimdoglover · 21/05/2025 13:13

You are not really compatible. You clearly have more vavavoom than he does. Up to you if you want to stay with someone like that. If you do, suggest separate holidays, sound him out.

TellySavalashairbrush · 21/05/2025 13:13

I'd say it was just incompatibility. He likes to fly and flop, you like to be active. I don't think that makes him a bad person, just not the right person for you. A holiday is such a good indication of compatibility in a relationship I think. Thankfully you found out before embarking on living together, etc.

FrogsLoveRain · 21/05/2025 13:13

Gosh OP, you have my sympathy. Throw this one back.

I went to lake Garda with my then bf (now dh) nearly 20 years ago. He was the complete opposite- we did lots together (hiking, sight seeing, rock climbing etc). I had one afternoon by the pool and he was bored 😀

pinkyredrose · 21/05/2025 13:14

Omg he sounds awful. Doesn't seem to be much point in him going on holiday at all. Is he like this usually?

Jobsworth7 · 21/05/2025 13:14

chunkyblighter · 21/05/2025 11:49

Lake Garda isn't really a fly and flop destination. Did he want to go to Tenerife but you persuaded him to try Italian culture?! Pearls before swine, my dear!

Unless life is wonderful with him in all other ways I'd say this kind of incompatibility would be the death knell for a longer term relationship. What's he like weekends, short breaks etc? Does he always start late and just want to 'chill'? No oomph.

I agree I wouldn't have forked out for Italy with this guy.

Cherrytree86 · 21/05/2025 13:15

beAsensible1 · 21/05/2025 12:50

i assume he liked mcdonald's before he came on holiday.

this all seems unnecessarily harsh and bad faith for someone you are in a relationship who does things different to you.

inspecting different mcdonald's in different countries is a thing as lot of them have country specific menus and often people when on the move want something they can rely on.

italy doesn't lend itself to quick snack in certain parts so maybe he just wanted something familiar. the lakes are lovely and gorgeous but it will be there everyday you are there.

I think because you have lost your appetite maybe you've forgotten how often people get hungry.

@beAsensible1

“italy doesn't lend itself to quick snack in certain parts so maybe he just wanted something familiar.“

but why? Why bother going some place new if you just want familiar??