To be fuming DH is working AGAIN!

[SENSummer]

I’m going to caveat this by saying I’ve got a fever atm and more irritable than usual.

We have two small children one of whom is severely disabled and high needs. There’s no childcare for him. Please don’t suggest how I could gain childcare trust me we have been down every single route multiple times, including a SS. I was forced out of work due to lack of childcare something I neither wanted nor have enjoyed.

I’ve not been able to take up any hobbies, sports or classes that require my physical presence somewhere as DH has an all consuming job, he rarely finishes on time, rota is constantly changing and is basically just not in any way reliable childcare. Fine. He’s worked all my birthdays and mother’s days the last 3 years, he’s worked all last Christmas. I’m not precious about it and I’ve got on with it.

Anyways, I took up a hobby I could do quietly from home whilst still being on call for everyone else’s needs. Once a year there is a competition locally and I’ve entered it every year since having the kids. I do quite well and my rosettes go on the wall in the kitchen, they give me my self worth through the year. They’re the only thing I really achieve ‘for me’.

DH told me months ago he was working the entire weekend of the competition this year. I asked him to find a way around it, swap shifts…etc he cannot take holiday during that section of his rota. He said he would. Today he’s told me he’s not been able to and is unlikely now to be able to. I’m gutted and full blown sulking like an actual child. I just keep thinking about getting through another year without the little bit of pride seeing those rosettes brings me in the lowest moments.

I’m sorry OP, that sounds utterly miserable and frustrating. I really feel for you.

By refusing to share the load in general, he’s basically given the load to you without your consent. I don’t think I could forgive my DH if he effectively condemned me to a decade or so (at a minimum) without a shred of freedom to make choices about my life just because his career was so important to him.

What kind of industry does he work in? Do you believe that, given your family circumstances, that there’s no way he could have arranged a day off with plenty of advance notice if he asked even if it’s during a day that leave is banned?

I'm sorry OP but your husband is a selfish pick who prioritises himself above his family. He is treatng you like staff, (except staff get breaks) rather than a human being who needs her own interests and hobbies. How often does he look after the kids alone, I'm guessing never? What hours does he work? Do you get any time to do something for yourself on his days off?

She clearly says there are no other childcare options.

Sounds like he uses his work as an excuse not to be a present parent and treats the children as your hobby with no regard to your wellbeing.

Do you feel like there is a balance at least of free time? If your DH is at work long hours then it's annoying but you kind of have to suck it up. (I do get the power imbalance dynamic at play) If DH works long hours but also gets to spend hours at the gym or playing football or dungeons and dragons or... And yet you don't get that break then I completely understand that frustration.

I'm so sorry, OP. Of course you aren't being unreasonable to want just one day - one measly day - to pursue your own interests and sense of self worth. It is completely shit that you don't have that simple little bit of freedom and it isn't too much to expect at all.

As to your DH, it's hard to determine if he is being unreasonable because it isn't clear as to how hard he has actually tried. If he doesn't really get it and can't be arsed to make the effort, then of course, he is BVU. If he had tried his best and genuinely can't get out of it, then perhaps not. I understand that he may be feeling the pressure of being the only earner, but he needs to recognise the significant pressures on you too, and the huge sacrifices that you are making for your family. Has he looked into the possibility of changing jobs in order to get something a bit less demanding?

I don't have any solutions, but fwiw, you do absolutely have my sympathy and solidarity.

OP, I get it and I’m sorry you are getting so many unhelpful responses. You are clearly a highly intelligent woman who is able to think through whether there are alternative plans etc already.

I think what’s really bothering you is you feel your life, as a woman, is getting sold down the river FAR more than your husband’s, due to your mutual child’s needs. If your child did not have additional needs, your husband would be working, advancing his career, and doing very little childcare, just as he is now. You, on the other hand have had your life utterly transformed in a way that - however much you adore your child- can feel erasing and gruelling, and disempowers you personally and financially and professionally. It is simply not fair and is a story as old as time.

in this context, there is one day a year that is meant to be your day, when your husband changes what HE does, so you can do something that nourishes you. And it feels like his attempts have been lacklustre at best, which suggests he does not understand (or care?) about your needs. You are trapped in the age old scenario of women self sacrificing their personal and financial wellbeing in order to care for others, far more than men ever do. This leaves you vulnerable and dependent.

If your husband has a decent job and is valued for his skills, then quite frankly, he should be able to go to bat for you. Simply tell his boss- sorry- this is overwhelmingly important- I need your help to make this work. Or get a double shift in return…. Or yes, pull a sicky, if he works in the kind of crappy environment that wouldn’t give a damn. His failure here feels like he doesn’t care that much about prioritising your wellbeing even 1/365 of the time.

What did he say ?

Op I know how you feel.

i have two disabled kids - one whose medically complex and can die if not looked after properly which means nobody will look after him. I’m constantly on call for the school so can’t work.
id be furious with your husband, it’s one weekend out of 52. He can do it - he’s choosing not too.
I would be threatening divorce that way he’d have to take the kids in order to see them - and that would give you much needed respite.
What a selfish pig of a man.

It's really tough OP. Can you tell him you need him to take it as a sick day? How would that go down? I would very clearly explain to him that you are finding the disparity in the marriage is breeding resentment, and you need to do things for yourself just as much as he needs to work. Perhaps it is time to ask him what he would plan to do if you ended the marriage and refused to care full time for your disabled child. Let him know you are considering that. I think that men can forget that there is will involved in mothering. It's not something we just do 'naturally'. Yes he is providing but you facilitate his lifestyle as well, which includes being able to maintain a highflying career while abandoning entirely the care of his disabled child to you. The reality is, you don't have to do it. And he does need to understand that. If you can't have that conversation perhaps it is time to consider if this is an abusive relationship.

I agree it sounds like your OH may be medical. There’s a very shortsighted work ethic in medicine that we’re all hugely important and indispensable, and it’s very easy to laud that over others who are non medical. The reality is we’re just cogs in a massive wheel and if we weren’t there plenty would trample over us to be the next cog and nobody would really care.

The British Medical Journal runs an Obituaries section at the back and I always think it’s very sad when the focus is on what that individual did professionally rather than their personal lives. I’m pretty sure I don’t want ‘Did a great audit’ on my headstone when I die.

Apologies I got sidetracked but if this was my DH they’d be taking a sickie or I’d be walking out.

I have a special needs child who is very disabled and a husband who travels overseas 20O days a year. We hire private carers. Expensive but needs must. Surely this is an option. And yes we did it well before he was 8. And i work. And have another child.

People saying he can’t pull a sickie because he already asked for the time off and it won’t look good…well he can, he can ring up and tell them his wife is unwell because something that means so much to her was taken away. Or she has left and I need to look after dc. Or she simply won’t look after dc so I need to do it. Any of these. He won’t get sacked..how can he when it sounds like he works so much and is obviously needed in the company. If he did he could get them done for unfair dismissal.

I totally hear you, and I am surprised by some of the responses on this thread actually. If you repost it on the SEN boards you might get more informed responses - I think some of the posters genuinely don’t know anyone who is either as tied to their SEN children in the way that you are OR limited by their partner’s career, and therefore they can’t relate.

I can’t get past page 1 of the thread as the website is glitching for me, but I’m assuming that you posted here in order to vent and please feel free to do this. YANBU at all. No matter how hard your DH is working, he gets to leave the house, interact with adults and presumably do something he loves (I’m guessing medical / emergency services / etc) while you do ALL the thankless drudge work that comes with having a disabled child.

A lot of MNetters will expect you to look after your child 24/7/365 without complaining. I’m not one of them. You’re not a saint; you’re a human who’s doing her absolute best and of course you’re knackered, pissed off and overwhelmed

edited for typos (there may be more)

No one can actually give any kind of useful advice without knowing more information. Like does he work for himself, is his job life or death, is it crucial for him to be at work.

Is there a reason he can't take certain times off, i would asume farmers can't take harvest or lambing time off, police can't take major events off. If he's a doctor on call the OP wouldn't be able to go just in case he is called in to save someone's bloody life.

Everyone saying pull a sickie seem to be ignoring the fact that if his role is crucial then he can't just throw a sickie. If he's been told all leave isn't to be taken during this time then there is likely a very good reason.

But as no one knows the whole thing seems a bit pointless and just an excuse for everyone to tell the OP her husband is a selfish git and she's well within her rights to be pissed off.

If he is a medic, then I understand. and Its shit.
You aren't being unreasonable, but if he has tried, then sadly, there isn't anything further he can do, except to call in sick, and that can go down incredibly badly. Its all a bit shit. Its part of why medics went on strike. I hope you manage to find some respite care for your kids. lots of positive thoughts for you

I’m not going to clog up space by quoting but @financialcareerstuff ’s post (a few above mine) is brilliant and I agree 100%

Who looks after your child if you're unwell, is there an association or support group that specialises in your child's disability, and there specialist agencies that can look after him for a day.

OP what would he do if you just walked out the door before him, and said "Bye have a nice day"? He'd figure something out wouldn't he? He needs to find a way, or you need to force his hand. If work aren't pleased, so be it. If he's medical they aren't going to fire him are they.... he cannot let you give up everything.

I'm sorry. It's tough having a child with special needs and seriously tough to have to adapt and sacrifice stuff, including hobbies.

It seems your DH is doing is best to keep the bills coming in for the family, and keep his job, so I feel for him too. I feel for you all. Perhaps private respite care for younger kids (if only for a day) might be the answer.

Hi Op, It's really rubbish that your OH couldn't manage to arrange to ensure you had that one day for you. I know you've said about childcare being impossible. I'm sorry if this is something you have already thought about, but it might be worth a mention. I worked in a SEND school and there would often be an email from a class teacher asking if anyone was interested in baby sitting for a specific child. Paid for by parents, so not going down respite or direct payments routes. The staff worked with the child in school, so they knew each other. Staff already had the necessary skills and training and knew what the child enjoyed. It worked really well. It also meant the parents had someone they could ask in an emergency, I had a student stay with me for the weekend when their mum was in an accident, as she already knew me and my house it was really straightforward and far less stressful than a temporary foster placement.

Exactly. If you were in an accident he would do something. That's what he should do .
tell him now that you are going to that event. He can hire private carers, miss work, whatever he would do if you were in a car crash that morning, had a head injury or broke your back, but with notice.
One day a year.
I can feel your pain and desperation in your posts. You are completely right and it is important for you to build a career too, eventually, especially since you know he won't prioritize you and DC over his career.

sounds as if you're stuck with it.
Enjoy the past rosettes, and the activity/hobby itself and look forward to participating next year.
You know the only reason you don't have rosettes this year is that you are not able to attend, and presumably you do it because you enjoy it, it's not just about the annual competition.

You are right to be angry. He’s not made the effort to ring fence this weekend. I don’t believe it wasn’t possible.

What would he have done if you’d been taken ill or rushed into hospital. He’d have to take time off.

Check again whether he’s even tried to get that time off - if he hasn’t get him to call in sick for the weekend.

I have had respite since my daughter was 13 months old. They absolutely will do it but you have to shout really loudly and persistently. Good luck - it makes all the difference in the world