To be fuming DH is working AGAIN!

[SENSummer]

I’m going to caveat this by saying I’ve got a fever atm and more irritable than usual.

We have two small children one of whom is severely disabled and high needs. There’s no childcare for him. Please don’t suggest how I could gain childcare trust me we have been down every single route multiple times, including a SS. I was forced out of work due to lack of childcare something I neither wanted nor have enjoyed.

I’ve not been able to take up any hobbies, sports or classes that require my physical presence somewhere as DH has an all consuming job, he rarely finishes on time, rota is constantly changing and is basically just not in any way reliable childcare. Fine. He’s worked all my birthdays and mother’s days the last 3 years, he’s worked all last Christmas. I’m not precious about it and I’ve got on with it.

Anyways, I took up a hobby I could do quietly from home whilst still being on call for everyone else’s needs. Once a year there is a competition locally and I’ve entered it every year since having the kids. I do quite well and my rosettes go on the wall in the kitchen, they give me my self worth through the year. They’re the only thing I really achieve ‘for me’.

DH told me months ago he was working the entire weekend of the competition this year. I asked him to find a way around it, swap shifts…etc he cannot take holiday during that section of his rota. He said he would. Today he’s told me he’s not been able to and is unlikely now to be able to. I’m gutted and full blown sulking like an actual child. I just keep thinking about getting through another year without the little bit of pride seeing those rosettes brings me in the lowest moments.

I think there's a big IF around whether the H has actually tried to get the time off. @SENSummer you sound so unhappy and ground down. There is no balancing of needs in your family at all. You have just been sacrificed and your H shows no care or concern for you at all. He's just living his life unhampered. It sounds soul-destroying for you. Do you have any support or anyone you confide in? It's really heartbreaking to read your posts.

OP I didn’t want read and run. I just wanted to say I don’t think people adequately understand how all consuming it can be to a carer to high needs child. I totally understand your devastation at not having this one day to engage in the activity. I work in this area and I so often see parents (almost exclusively the mother) lose every piece of themselves to caring. Unless you’ve walked a day in the shoes of someone who’s had to give up their career, friendships, hobbies, interests and just plain down time you can’t understand. I hope you find a workaround. Sending you lots of support

Sorry if it seemed I was pressuring her to leave. I do think she should get legal advice re what her financial situation would be if she did though. It might be that she would feel more empowered to negotiate around things from a stronger position.

Hi OP,

a big hug and hope you feel better soon as can imagine you’re feeling doubly rubbish with the letdown.

im not going to dissect / decimate your husband as don’t think that’s super helpful as it stands.

what I would advise, is that you need to fill that weekend up with something else that will give you a replacement dopamine fix.

to add, as your son reaches the age criteria for respite eligibility things like this hopefully will
subside.

again, big hugs… you’re doing great 😊

I agree with this. Also generosity is about more than money (Which btw he is also providing for himself, I wonder what his finances would look like if you split, I’d bet he’s got his bases covered).

kindness and partnership, respect, compassion, valuing you - wanting to be a properly engaged husband and father - he’s not showing any of that.

How much younger than him are you? It’s really amazing you don’t seem to have registered how awful it is that he made it clear that you and the children would always come second to his career. Why did he even marry and have children then? Unless he sees a wife and children as just secondary to him and your role to be support human for his legacy essentially. He doesn’t even sound like he spends much time with the children let alone you.

And if you believe a man who is that disengaged and happy to see you ground into the ground won’t ditch you if you stop functioning as required I think you’re naive. This is not a generous man in any way shape or form.

Agree .. it’s one day and he’s had loads of notice … I’d be angry too.

My post above I meant to quote this one! I agree with this. Good luck OP I really feel for you it’s a shit situation to be in.

What was his response? It sounds like this has been an issue for longer when he refused to go part time.

I’m so sorry this is happening for you.

She has said she can't get childcare due to her child's disability.
OP I'm sorry and I understand how frustrated you must feel. Not just because of this one missed competition but because it sounds as though your husband refused to go part time so you could both keep your careers and because he doesn't sound very supportive.

I totally disagree with poster who have said it's his job...he tried...etc. You only need one sodding day! You ask for such an incredibly tiny amount for yourself and he can't even make that happen. It is so disappointing.

My DH did something similar but not nearly as bad to me - he refused to make a very small, easy change to his work to accommodate me going back to work - so I asked for a divorce. It wasn't the only issue, but it was the final straw that told me he did not see us as a partnership and he was going to suit himself even if it meant I suffered. That is not a marriage. Luckily he stopped being a fuckwit and we're still together but I would have followed through if necessary - once we were split up he would have had no choice but to change his working pattern signficantly, if he wanted to see the kids.

Your DH is taking you totally and utterly for granted. That must stop or you will end up hating him.

She mentioned she has tried social services

Your DH isn’t generous and kind hearted. Or well, he probably is when things are going his way. What matters is what he does to facilitate your mental health. I doubt he’s even tried to book the day off - he enjoys being at work, he’s outright told you that his work comes before his family - he’s not a good man.

can he even look after the DC for a day on his own? Doesn’t sound like you get time away from the children much!

the once a year thing is probably part of the problem here

You need to carve out regular time for yourself - that would be easier to establish in the long run - example - every Monday (or whatever day - husband is home on time and her takes over and you go out to do whatever it is for yourself!

a regular week in the year he books off or takes parental leave and you get a week to yourself to pursue what you want / need

This is absolutely no life and its unfair!

If you didn't have a child with additional needs and you both worked - he'd have to be more flexible to facilitate nursery drop offs / pick ups so that it was fair between you both like in most other families! I get that he is the only one brining in an income - but somethings got to give here!!

Indeed. Respite isn't necessarily linked to social services. I really was trying to help. OP realised this. Let's stop dragging it out.

do you think your dh understand how important this one day is to you?

He has freedom and you don't, you don't have the freedom to come and go as you please but he can partake in hobbies and work without a second thought and takes for granted what you don't have

Sorry if someone has suggested this, I haven't read every post, but your DH should take the time off citing this:
https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

His children need care and on this occasion he, as a parent, needs to be the one to provide it as his partner is unable.
End of story.
You can't be expected to shoulder the sole responsibility for all your children all the time. The children have two parents.

OP I think you need to put your foot down about this because everything you say is true re: power imbalance and your career. You need time too and he must start working to facilitate that. Otherwise the consequences are much much worse- your marriage could break down, or your mental health. This is really important and he needs to make it work.

I once went for a job interview and got the job. I agreed to start in 6-8 weeks, or earlier if I found childcare more quickly. As usual, DH was not available to do a day’s childcare for the one single meeting I was asked to attend before I found a nanny. Absolutely impossible etc. So after arguing myself silly about it, I said: “oh well, I see your job is extra busy and you can’t possibly be expected to take time off. That won’t change if the nanny we hire gets sick, in the future. I accept that it can’t be helped. Therefore I’ll turn down the job in the morning.

Well, guess what? He cleared his diary pronto. 😂

From what you're saying I wonder if he's medical? I am and I could never guarantee the same day off every year, especially if it was near a bank holiday. This is very much our lifestyle and as a family we're used to it
However it is terrible you only have one day a year for yourself. This needs to change because you won't be able to pour from an empty cup.

OP has already said he cant.

He cares too much about his career and he would choose it over us, that has been made clear in the past.

A good decent man does not choose work over his family

Op, I'm really sorry for your situation, it sounds incredibly difficult.

I'm going to stick my neck out here and guess he's a farmer. Working on the family farm, and his father calls the shots. Which would explain practically no time off and working Christmas too. So he can't just phone in sick or take Emergency Parental Leave. I'm from that background too.

I usually never suggest this but can he call in sick just for one day?

Op, he's not a decent man.

You've said he loves his career and would - does! - put that love before his family.

He's only decent when he gets what he wants. If there's a whisper that he won't, he's happy for you to be crushed to a nothing as long as he doesn't have to pick up his half share of the very difficult circumstances you are both in as parents.

How could a decent man 'refuse' to do his 50% of the responsibility by sharing part time hours? What if you'd refused to do his 50% as well as yours? He's got you trapped, because he was prepared to take it to the brink. As a PP has said, the longer it goes on, the less able you are to leave.

So, not a decent man. An abusive prick in fact, masquerading as a decent man, which makes it worse.

Also - he didn't try to get the time off. He's lying, and he doesn't really mind if you believe him or not, because this is actually his reminder to you who's boss.

i’d like to be he hasn’t even tried