To do expect husband to cancel plans with friends when I'm ill

[Bitesize89]

My husband and I got into a huge fight yesterday. I told him I had a sore throat and felt like it was getting progressively worse throughout the day. I had strep a few times before and it started to feel like that again. He has plans to go play squash with a friend that evening and we have a two and a half year old. I told him I was feeling so unwell just wanted to lie down and got mad when he said he was still planning to go to squash around my DD bedtime which means I'd have to put her to bed. Sometimes we struggle putting her to bed and she won't go down for an hour or two so I was a bit annoyed. He got mad at mad and said I don't respect his plans and therefore don't respect him. The week before I had a mega stressful time at work and asked him to cancel as well as I had to work late to meet deadlines. He's very angry at me and says I'm selfish and don't respect his plans, I feel like he's being really insensitive considering we have a young child and I would expect him to step up when something comes up especially for something as trivial as playing squash with a mate.

Honestly, unless it was far more of an obvious emergency, or my spouse was physically incapacitated (eg migraine, throwing up uncontrollably) I wouldn’t cancel a regular fitness thing involving an arrangement with someone else twice in a row because of a small child’s bedtime.

For a sore throat, yes, very unreasonable.

Working late? More tricky. Depends on the plans he had to cancel / was it a choice to work late or mandated.

But you seem to have a cavalier attitude to his plans.

Put your child to bed then go to bed yourself.

A sore throat? YABU.
Work, maybe less so, but if I was him, I'd be wondering what your reason next week will be!

The problem is the child going to bed. That is a huge ordeal and neither of you want to do it.

what’s going on there?

I would never ever expect him to cancel sport like that unless I was extremely unwell, I mean not able to manage at all for 5 minutes type of sick, or after having a surgery type of helplessness.

Totally unreasonable for a sore throat!

Two weeks in a row is frustrating.I would try to dose up on painkillers and manage until he got home.
Bedtime taking an hour or two needs to be addressed once you feel better.

Sore throat? Come on.

If that's the only hobby he does once a week and you keep asking him to cancel, then yes you're unreasonable. Unless there is a massive backstory you aren't telling here.

A sore throat isn't a reason to cancel plans IMO. Work either to be honest, you can still do bedtime and work after.

I agree with this, absolutely bedridden yes but if a man had 'manflue' and a women was asked to cancel it would it be different ?

😂

Yes, yabu. Unless he is out every night here there and everywhere. I know DH would probably offer in those circs, but I would say no as he doesn't go out much.

Honestly in your circumstances I would probably go to bed with the toddler.

Sore throat? I agree with him.

A sore throat hardly stops you from putting a child to bed so yes YABU.
Working late? Of course he needs to step up and parent his child if you're working. The two are completely different scenarios.
I wonder if part of the issue in the first scenario is that you see his time connecting with friends as trivial. I see it as a great way of maintaining a sense of self which can be horribly eroded in those baby and toddler years.

Work - couldn't be avoided.

Now for a sore throat ? Sounds like you are just pissed off he dare do something outside the house that doesn't include you or because you don't want to put your child to bed.

As another poster said - what excuse will you have next week?

I think if you're well enough to have a big row you're not so ill he needs to stay home. Bedtime for your daughter and then go to bed yourself. I think you both need to concentrate on making the bedtime routine easier.

A sore throat? Come on. I'd be annoyed too if I were him.

For a sore throat, yes that's unreasonable. I wouldn't expect my DH to cancel plans for that. Vomiting/diarrhea/flu I would.Working late is a bit different.

Put the baby to bed and go to bed. When you feel better go out for the night and he can deal with the baby.

Sorry OP, but I also wouldn’t expect him to have cancelled squash because I had a sore throat. I’d have to be genuinely bed-bound before I expected him to change plans, as would be the same in reverse.

2hrs to put your toddler to bed, that’s a real problem that you need to tackle soon. What a drain on your time, and it probably is putting pressure on your relationship. That’s what I’d be sorting asap.

Hope you feel better soon.

You do sound a little high maintenance. I wouldn’t expect him to cancel plans for a sore throat. He’d have to cancel plans if you were working late. Was it unavoidable or did you offer to work late, discarding his plans.

I've asked my DH to cancel gym plans before but only when I physically can not get out of bed to look after DCs. Migraines, D&V etc. I understand Strep can be really bad sometimes but you say its starting to feel like it, not that it is so I don't think asking him to stay home is reasonable.

You may see his squash time a 'trivial' but for him it might be the thing he has been looking forward to for the week, his stress relief time. My DH's gym time is very important to his mental health not just time he can see his mates. Especially since we had children, its become more important that we get down time and exercise.

A sore throat is not a reason to expect him to cancel plans.

As long as it's communicated respectfully, isn't frequent, is not caused by your own poor time management and was essential, then its reasonable to ask him to cancel plans for working late. Even then, though, I'd say only if there was no other option.

Playing squash with a friend is an important and (mentally and physically) healthy thing to do. When he cancels, he also lets down his friend. You should respect his plans and try to avoid needing him to cancel if at all possible. Equally, you should also put aside a bit of time so that you can do something for your own physical and mental health each week, which he should respect.

Sore throat? Jesus. Poor bloke

It is a sore throat, i wouldnt expect dh to cancel. And as you also asked last week sounds like it is a bit of a habit. It lets thrown his squash partner, the exercise is good for him.

Out of interest, do you often have plans and if so how does that go?

If one of us is really unwell, the other one would cancel plans to look after the children.

But that's more D&V, flu type illness not a sore throat.

I also think - if one of us had made the other cancel something last week for a work crisis, then we would set the bar a bit higher for illness the following week, I wouldn't want him to miss it twice in a row and would push myself a bit harder to avoid (same would be true vice versa)

I also slightly wonder given your attitude to this, just how time sensitive the work crisis was - we absolutely do ask the other to cancel plans for genuine crises but otherwise would try and work around them, e.g. working after bedtime at home.