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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do expect husband to cancel plans with friends when I'm ill

103 replies

Bitesize89 · 21/05/2025 07:58

My husband and I got into a huge fight yesterday. I told him I had a sore throat and felt like it was getting progressively worse throughout the day. I had strep a few times before and it started to feel like that again. He has plans to go play squash with a friend that evening and we have a two and a half year old. I told him I was feeling so unwell just wanted to lie down and got mad when he said he was still planning to go to squash around my DD bedtime which means I'd have to put her to bed. Sometimes we struggle putting her to bed and she won't go down for an hour or two so I was a bit annoyed. He got mad at mad and said I don't respect his plans and therefore don't respect him. The week before I had a mega stressful time at work and asked him to cancel as well as I had to work late to meet deadlines. He's very angry at me and says I'm selfish and don't respect his plans, I feel like he's being really insensitive considering we have a young child and I would expect him to step up when something comes up especially for something as trivial as playing squash with a mate.

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 21/05/2025 08:41

OP, you had a sore throat - maybe feeling a bit grotty. That's not "ill". In those circumstances, we all just crack on. Of course your partner shouldn't cancel his commitments, because that would be ridiculous.

Drangea · 21/05/2025 08:43

In my happy, respectful and supportive marriage, DH would have seen I was ill and offered to cancel, and in turn I would have declined and urged him to go out because I love him and want him to have fun and see friends, and would probably have just gone to bed with 2 yo.
Try treating each other like you love one another.

heavenisaplaceonearth · 21/05/2025 08:43

take a paracetamol and sip some hot lemon and honey while dc goes to sleep.

Mrsttcno1 · 21/05/2025 08:47

YABU, you’ve got a sore throat, get a bloody grip

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 21/05/2025 08:48

YABU. He should go and play squash. You'll manage.

Boomer55 · 21/05/2025 08:50

A sore throat doesn’t need a drama. I wouldn’t have cancelled either. 🙄

CharityShopMensGlasses · 21/05/2025 08:50

If you want to stay married you can't keep asking him to cancel a once a week hobby.
Is it something you resent? What can you do for you ?

justkeepswimingswiming · 21/05/2025 08:50

YABU for a sore throat. Sounds like your expecting him to pander to you.

IkeaJesusChrist · 21/05/2025 08:54

It's a sore throat for god's sake, toughen up.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/05/2025 08:57

I think expecting him to cancel squash because you feel unwell is a result of you thinking he's getting off with settling your DD.
The issue is the unsettled bedtimes, not the squash.
Both of you need to work on DD's bedtime routine so time apart doesn't cause bitterness.

Koalafan · 21/05/2025 08:58

We're you pandered to as a child OP?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2025 09:20

Since he missed it last week I think you could have struggled on this time. Is he out a lot or does he just have weekly squash? What do you do in a similar vein?

Bedtime sounds like the major issue, can you both work out a plan to improve it?

Starlight1984 · 21/05/2025 09:22

CharityShopMensGlasses · 21/05/2025 08:50

If you want to stay married you can't keep asking him to cancel a once a week hobby.
Is it something you resent? What can you do for you ?

This. Sounds like the OP just doesn't want him going out and is making excuses.

Ablondiebutagoody · 21/05/2025 10:39

Can't put a child to bed if you have a sore throat? That's ridiculous OP

User37482 · 21/05/2025 10:51

I’m usually on mums side but this is ridiculous. If I had plans to be out for a hobby I wouldn’t cancel because DH has a sore throat.

MzHz · 21/05/2025 10:57

Good grief @Bitesize89 seriously you’re OTT on this.

i was on my own with a 4yo and had full blown horrendous tonsillitis and still kept going, because I had to.

you have a sore throat. Get yourself some throat sweets, some difflam and some ibuprofen and relish the thought that you can put your dc to bed and then go to bed yourself

if the bed time routine is bad, work on that now so that it’s easier in future.

bit of tough love to you today, but remember it WONT always be as hard, it will get better.

your Dh is perfectly entitled to go out, you’re being a bit unreasonable

faerietales · 21/05/2025 10:59

Ah come on OP. It’s a sore throat 🫣

randomchap · 21/05/2025 10:59

Playing squash with a mate isn't trivial thing. It's giving him some time outside the home to decompress and relax.

It sounds like you could do with something like this once a week too. Is there anything you did before having dc that you want to return to? Have your break from the house, and let him parent on his own weekly too.

With regards to the bed times, 2 hours sounds like no fun at all. What's happening when she doesn't go down? Maybe you can give more info and you might get some support or ideas

Dunnocantthinkofone · 21/05/2025 10:59

Oh dear OP, this has not gone the way you thought it would, has it?
Yabu. And a bit of a wimp if truth be told

MzHz · 21/05/2025 11:00

Our sport activities are not trivial, they help with our mental health and wellbeing

what do you do for yourself to help your health? If nothing, change that and get yourself in a better physical and mental space

Overthebow · 21/05/2025 11:01

No, I wouldn't ask my DH to cancel his plans because I had a sore throat and din't want to do bed time. I might have done for work if I really needed to work late, but not if I'm ill unless really bad.

ForAquaMember · 21/05/2025 11:09

If you were really unwell with the flu, or the strep throat was so bad that you felt like you were swallowing glass and your body aches - I would say my husband would of definitely cancelled and understood I need extra support with looking after DC.

If I had a sore throat and just didn’t want to do bed time but I COULD get by, then no I wouldn’t ask him to cancel.
My husbands been at work before when I’m at home unwell looking after 2 year old so yeah sometimes you just get by

Blackdow · 21/05/2025 11:14

You had a sore throat. Get over it. He missed the week before because of your work, which is fine if you really had to work late. It was wrong to ask him to miss again because you had a sore throat.
I’ve been a single parent for 11 years so maybe I see if differently but how on earth does a sore throat get in the way of parenting? You just do it, let him have his exercise. You’ll get your own time too and he has to parent so you can do that.

thetrumanshow · 21/05/2025 11:17

I think if you're well enough to have a big row you're not so ill he needs to stay home.

harsh, but true

thetrumanshow · 21/05/2025 11:20

He's not your on-call babysitter - and neither are you

asked him to cancel as well as I had to work late to meet deadlines.
that's just about ok, you would have managed if he was still at work, wouldn't you?

If he's out every single evening, then you can ask him.

But dismissing his plans as "trivial" is unreasonable and unpleasant. Do you respect him at all?