Something strange about mother in law

[ThatSparklyPearlShark]

Hi everyone,

I had no idea who to voice this to so thought this would be the best option. Basically myself and my partner have been together for one year next week. I’m 27 and he’s 40 and we have a wonderful relationship. He is very close to his mother she’s 72. All of his family adore his mother and constantly say how lovely she is. I agree she is nice but a couple of things have happened that have made me feel a little uneasy and I want to know if I’m overreacting.

for example the weekend just gone she came to stay with us. We treated her all weekend to meals shopping etc and she seemed to have a great time. On Sunday she said she’d planned to leave at 4pm. On Sunday morning I suggested we go to the coffee shop for some breakfast at 10:30 am , anyway so myself and my partner were getting ready and it must’ve been about 10:25 when I got to the kitchen ( we live in a bungalow) and just before I got to the kitchen I heard her say ‘ for f sake hurry the f up all f’ing weekend of waiting around’ in a really annoyed and different voice - she usually sounds really sweet and has a light voice but this was deep and snappy. I came through to the kitchen and she instantly switched to her ‘sweet’ voice. I was just a bit startled ? Like wth ! She wasn’t waiting around at all we were so attentive to her all weekend and did everything she wanted there was no waiting around.

another thing she often does is go on and on about how thin and beautiful her daughter is in front of me when my partners not around . She’ll say things like (insert daughter’s name) ’ is so skinny anything looks good on her because she has that kind of figure. She mentions how beautiful and thin her daughter is every time without fail. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to bother me if it was mentioned once but it’s EVERY SINGLE TIME we see her it’s so strange.

I just feel a bit uneasy around her . I haven’t voiced this to my partner as I don’t want to upset him as he loves his mum so much. I don’t plan on telling him either I just wanted to voice my experience.

am I overeacting ? Or is she just a normal mother in law?

thanks

xx

Sounds just like a normal mother in law. Although I wish my MIL had shown her nasty side earlier in the relationship and I might have made different choices. I can tolerate it now I’m a bit older and don’t give a fuck about her opinions.

'I'm 27 and he's 40'

Ltb and get yourself to the club girl xx

A lot of the time people aren't how they seem. You now know she's not all sweetness and light.

The deep voice is a little bit scary

Neither of these things are great, but they're not "go no contact" territory either. Many people find their MIL annoying for one reason or another - you have to just suck it up really.

You’re too young to be saddled with this nonsense.
She sounds false and calculating.

I'm nearly forty, and the idea of being with a 27 year old gives me the creeps. The power dynamic would be so much in my favour.
But if you're determined to stick with it, then I would say it really doesn't matter what his mother is like, it's how he handles her that matters. I say bring up the comment about the waiting around as that's the worst bit and is a fact (rather than your perception) and see what he says. If he says, "wow I can see how that would make you feel. I'll have a word with her," then all good. He's prepared to take her on if she's rude. But if he says, "ah well, that's just how she is," or something like "I know, but I don't want to upset her by saying anything," then I think get out whilst you can.

Hmm I’m unsure! My mil irritates me a lot and we have had our difficulties, she also does love to judge appearance/comment on weight but I don’t think she’d purposefully say anything pointed like that.

Re the breakfast though, could she have been a bit hangry/ fed up about going out to eat? Was there food available at home? I’m an early riser and would be seriously starving and on the edge by 10.30 if I hadn’t eaten anything at all by then. My pil eat more around 10 ish, but I know I can help myself to breakfast earlier there without issue.

She’s use to being the queen bee and have everyone pander to her. Comments about her daughter are weird but have had a ex-nan say similar things. Are you skinny? She may not like fat people or think her don is too good for you. I wouldn’t put up with this, your OH will likely choose her if things came to ahead. Either dump him or reduce contact. She is toxic.

That’s your opinion. Op hasn’t ask about opinions on her age gap. I think it’s creepy that we try to infantilise grown women. What is an acceptable age gap? 30 and 43? 40 and 53? I would like to know since you find it creepy

The deep voice swearing is unsettling. Tell you do about it and see if he’s witness similar.

out of interest WHY wouldn’t you have mentioned it to him after she left?

I'd say it's possibly normal 72 year old behaviour. I'm nearly 60 and do the muttering under my breath, I have to check myself. I love a good moan to myself. You are within your rights to ask her why she keeps going on about how thin her DD is, just start replying, "yes you said". However some people go into cognitive decline younger and that's what could be happening.

You don’t like her. You don’t have to like her. DH and I both find each other’s mothers insufferable in different styles. Perfectly upfront about it too.

If you don’t like her and that’s fine, it seems like she’s two faced and you’ve had the luxury of peaking behind the MIL curtain early so to speak. Basically your intuition was right and she’s not all sweetness but if the family are all defensive of her then you can’t expect anything to change BUT if you aren't able to be somewhat transparent about that with your partner then it’s going to be an issue in future.

I’m not suggesting you slag off his mother to him btw, but if you can’t even raise her odd behaviour then I’d be asking why. You can’t really work through issues if you can’t even raise them.

I would have gone to the kitchen and said: I’m so f’ing sorry you have been waiting a long f’ing time. We better f’ing hurry as I know you are very f’ing hungry.

And I would have walked out.

Next time she mentions how thin her DD is just smile sweetly and say, “Thankfully your DS loves my fat ass.” Or perhaps a comment on how you think there would be a real problem if he found you less appealing in outfits than his sister. Or say how much you yourself love your figure. “I love how soft I am and I think I look cute as buttons in everything I wear.”

There’s a whole world of joy and beauty beyond simply “is thin.” Feel free to express this openly.

If your 40 year old boyfriend who picked you up in your 20’s doesn’t like it - leave. Or just do that first idk.

She sounds a bit odd but I suppose she was just having a moan (in her real voice) and didn’t know anyone was listening. Going on about her dds weight is weird but some people are really obsessed with appearance.

not sure why people are commenting on the age gap. OP is in her late twenties, she’s not a teenager. And it’s 13 years, not 30.

She's not your mother in law. She's your boyfriends mum. You have no reason to spend time with her if you don't want to.

Well I am a heterosexual woman so if I got with a 27 year old that would be a man. It's nothing to do with infantilising women; age gaps very often lead to a dodgy power dynamic regardless of whether it's the man or woman who is older. There are exceptions to everything under the sun of course.

OP came asking for relationship advice. If someone said my husband cheated on me but I'm here to ask whether he's unreasonable to not groom his beard every morning, I think it's pretty fair to mention the cheating in your reply.

So you would find it also creepy if a 40 year old woman got with a 27 year old man? Where is all this evidence that age gaps can lead to a dodgy power dynamic? Surely it depends on the person? Plenty of older people are immature and do not have their life together.

The main thread is about her mother in law, Op was giving her age due to context. Not relevant at all to mention her age.

I think you must be dating my brother as this is my mother through and through. Everyone outside of immediate family think she is lovely, sweet and kind. But behind closed doors she's a nasty, vicious gossip. I'm no contact with her and nobody understands why. They would if they heard the way she talks about them behind their backs.

Please don't patronise the op about the age gap. They are nearly 30 and old enough to decide who to be with.

What's it with mumsnet and age gaps? Not everyone has the same tastes. And it's okay to have one. It's okay to not like them but for yourself.

Did your bf hear too? I would have gone in and said “are you okay mil? I heard you swearing about being late? Remember we said 10.30?”
Call her out )nicely) but make sure other people are there.
The skinny dd I’d lean in to it, “it’s lovely to hear how much you love your dd, she’s fab isn’t she”
She will soon get bored if she realises you don’t care.

But yes she has a side, I bet there’s plenty of people who don’t love her. Unfortunately this sort of stuff tends to increase the more enmeshed you become . Unless u can nip it in the bud now

Omg a 40 year old woman with a 27 year old man is stomach turningly creepy!

Of course she's not all sweetness, but what has she done that's so terrible? She had what she thought was a private moan to herself - who hasn't done that? And the talking about her daughter, while irritating, isn't anything I would get too worked up over. I don't see how any of this means she's not a nice person or a fake. She's just human.

Why though? What are your reasons? Both adults. Both consenting. What’s the big deal. Just because you might not like it doesn’t mean other people don’t.