Double barrelling surnames?

[LilPatronum]

DP and I are to get married very soon.
I really do not want to change my surname. Neither does DP. I have a long history with mine including already having been changed once by deed-poll due to having my deadbeat Fathers name.

We have no children yet but planning to hopefully have some in the very near future. I really want the same surname as my children, especially having grown up with a different one to my Mum. DP wants the same surname too. We’re not too fussed about having the same name as each other and if we weren’t planning on children we wouldn’t bother with name changes at all.

Has anyone ever double barrelled their surname legally so say to Smith-Jones but then socially referred to themselves by their maiden name? So my name is Jane Smith and I will still refer to myself as that including on social media etc but legally I will be Mrs Jane Smith-Jones and so will DH. Then when we have children they will be called Smith-Jones and we will all be the Smith-Jones’ on paper. At school we will
introduce ourselves as Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones and for anything important related to that.

My Mum thinks this is stupid and we might as well not bother with the double barrelling if we are still going to refer to ourselves as our original names? AIBU to think this is the best compromise? Or has anyone else done it?

As someone who has a (non hyphenated) double-barelled name to try and get around this issue, my advice (20+ years later) is go for the simplest solution. I basically now have three last names (maiden, married, non-hyphenated double-barelled) and it's confusing. I wish I'd just kept my maiden name. Or, I wish I'd persuaded DH to change both our names to Smith-Jones (which is what several friends did), but our names look odd double-barelled like that.

But really, I'd just keep your maiden name. I don't think I'd feel any less connected to my kids if we had a different last name (and as it is, I do have a different last name to them - they're just 'Jones', as is DH. I'm 'Smith Jones' (legally and professionally, although informally I use just Jones, e.g. when booking a taxi). Some people still call me 'Smith'. Others (professionally) don't realise 'Smith' is part of my last name, so call me just 'Jones'. It's a mess!

So my maiden name is (for example) Hilton. My DH is (for example) Parks. My married name is Hilton-Parks and my children are Hilton-Parks. DH is still Parks. There was no way in hell I'd have a different surname to my children, and I felt it was regressive for me to lose my maiden name completely. The double barrel is only 3 syllables anyway so it sounds absolutely fine.

What do you mean by "socially"?
Basically just not changing your name on social media?
In which case most people I know don't have their full/correct name on social media anyway.
Otherwise your friends will already know you as Jane Smith so what does "not changing your name socially" actually involve? How often do your friends ever refer to you by your surname?

What about work, does that count as "socially" or not?

I’m Me, he’s Him, children are Him-Me.
It works perfectly well.

No I would still be Jane Smith at work. If I met someone new I would introduce myself as Jane Smith. DH would still be Tom Jones. We would just be Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones legally and also when needed for the children.

Asking as I’m curious and for no other reason - why do people feel so strongly about having the same name as their children??

Because I grew up with a different name to my Mum and it really upset me.

I don’t see why you or your DH need to change your names. If you want the DC to have both of your names just hyphenate in the order in which the names flow best or consider the two names without a hyphen although there is a risk of the ‘middle’ name getting dropped.

And yes, I know someone who took their husband’s name officially and for school purposes bit carried on using maiden name for work. Had two names really.

in this day and age there are so many variations in families that I don’t see it really makes a difference.

How? Did you get teased or something? My children have different name to me (young and stupid I was) but none of us have ever honestly noticed any difference.

I also have different name to my Mum and again, don’t affect me.

Good for you!

It upset me and I want to have the same name as my children.

Personally I hate double barrelled names. If your son Smith-Jones marries my daughter Hilton- Rooney then their child ill be Smith-Jones-Hilton-Rooney. Where does it end?

I agree with your mum. I can't see the legal benefit of the hassle of changing both your names for the sake of presenting as a single surname to the school. Nobody ever introduces themselves like that. Do you have any other examples where you think you might need to be Smith-Jones?

Your kids won't have a different name to you just because they have dad's too. It's akin to thinking your children are only half yours because you only provided half the dna.

This is exactly what a friend of mine did and works well for them.

Although as their children have got older one of them just goes by the first barrelled name instead of the full one.

I also knew a couple of both had double barrelled names and when they got married they just decided on a completely new family name as it was too complicated 😂

I know a couple who came up with a 3rd new name they both liked so they'd both have the same name as each other and their children and each other with out either "taking" the others name. So for example their names were Smith and Jones, but after the wedding the both changed to Bloggs

I'm not sure that will work for you, as it seems like your situations a bit different but I thought it couldn't hurt for me to throw it out there as an option!

We did discuss this but can’t seem to think of anything that works. I did suggest to creating a whole new name but DP wasn’t keen on that.

This ^ except the kids are "me-him" because it sounded better. Kids know they can change their names at a later date if they want to.

It is absolutely fine in this day and age to do what you want to. Many kids grow up with different surnames to one or other parent. For some it is cultural, others through choice. None are deeply scarred by it and all seem to muddle along nicely.

As someone who’s partner is a double barrell name since birth, don’t do it. He hates it. It causes so much confusion and at age 29 isn’t sure if he’s a hyphen or not.

We are not married yet but when our son was born the first part of his surname only as it’s such a pain.

At work he only goes by the first part of his surname and when we are out it’s only the first part.

I have double-barelled my surname after getting married but my husband hasn't changed his name. Unsure what surname we'd give any future children. But day to day, I still use my maiden name. At work I do have the double-barelled name but I always introduce myself as my maiden name. Sometimes I do mix it up and use my married name which causes much amusement to my husband when we turn up to bookings and I have no idea what name I used! My dad died just before my wedding and our family name would have died with me so I'm very attached to it!

I’m with your mum, I think it’s a bit stupid (sorry). I don’t see anything wrong with taking DH’s name, I think probably at least 95% of the married couples I know have done it the ‘traditional’ way and it’s not remotely regressive. Keep your surname as an extra middle name if it has meaning to you?

If your kids have a double barrelled name, their future school teachers will just assume the parents are unmarried - every other child has a double barrelled surname these days around here for this reason. The fact that you and DH have the same name will be buried in documentation no one ever looks at!

I think your proposal of both keeping your surnames and using both for the children works fine. That’s what we did. I kept my surname , DH kept his and the children have both (no hyphen).

It mystifies me why so many women change their names today, unless they’ve a negative association with their given surname.

In Spain and other Spanish-speaking countries doesn’t traditionally everyone keep both parents surnames? In the past the father's surname was traditionally listed first but now parents can now choose the order. The children inherit their father's first surname and their mother's first surname.

As someone with three adult children with double barrelled names, they have no problems whatsoever and are rather proud of being the only people with their specific surname.

Just asked the 26 year old and he said no, never caused any inconvenience, is perfectly aware of the hyphen, and none of his mates have had problems either.

I think it’s your DH who is out of step - lots of families here are double barrelled with the parents keeping their own surnames and no one bats an eye.

All prefer their full names to just using one part.

Oh I see your proposal is not to keep your name but add DHs on and vice versa. I think that’s fine too. I do know someone who has done it that way.

Sorry the question I was asking is about double barrelling our names! I don’t know if that’s clear in the OP.

Any future children’s names will be double barrelled and I definitely won’t be taking DPs surname upon marriage. These are things that have been agreed upon.

It’s more if we should double barrel our own or not bother which I’m unsure about.

Keep your name, give any children your name, job done. If your DH really wants the same name then change both to something completely different (but not double-barrelled).

Otherwise what do your children with double -barrelled names do when they get married? It could go on and on ...