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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL teasing daughter - don’t want to chaperone this anymore!

125 replies

MamaW05 · 20/05/2025 12:03

I have known my FIL over twenty years. He’s a socially awkward man and in the time I’ve known him has barely managed more than a hi and bye to me. I thought it might be me but since having kids friends have met him at parties etc and independently made the same comments. All fine, we’ve rubbed along fine as needed and in his own way welcomed me into the family.

I have a 4 year old child and in the last year or so I (or we, my partner feels the same!) have found it increasingly hard to deal with his behaviour around her. Whilst he can play nicely with her, brings her stickers etc, he will tease her to the point that she is upset or angry, carry on a bit more, then tell her off (he’s told her to shut up before) or tease her for being upset. She can be sobbing saying ‘stop it’at this point. My husband and I now watch like hawks and are having to step in each time - husband will not have an overall chat with FIL about his behaviour as he says he won’t get it, it’s just who he is, he’ll say it’s just a joke etc.

We had agreed my husband would be around for all visits my FIL is there to nip it in the bud. I have a baby and cannot be there all the time and I’m not willing to leave my elder daughter to be teased by herself. However recently when I thought it was only MIL free she asked to bring FIL as plans had changed so I said yes trying to be gracious. On this visit FIL told my daughter to tease him for his grey hairs, encouraging her to find more and keep going. He then suddenly turned round and retorted ‘well you’ve got ginger in YOUR hair’. She is 4. Luckily she has no idea this was intended as an insult but I’m fuming that this man is so thoughtless and could have set her up with an insecurity when she is currently so confident.

I’m now doubling down on my husband needing to be there for visits, I’m simply not prepared to be the chaperone for his bad behaviour anymore and I am unable to be there all the time whilst caring for the youngest too. I also have very precious little time with my daughters before going back to work, why should we all cop it because a grown man can’t check himself. However as I’m on maternity leave it’s going to very obvious their visits have become minimal and I feel sorry for his mum who looked after our daughter a lot before she went to school and I feel is owed an explanation.

So…
YABU - you and your daughter just need to put up with this behaviour and call him out. You should host them even without DH around. No family is perfect. Use any inappropriate comments as life lessons for your daughter.

YANBU - it’s unacceptable behaviour towards a 4 year old and you shouldn’t have to be the one to manage it or risk your daughter being hurt if you are not able to be in the room the whole time. Have the FIL visit only when husband is also available.

and if YANBU do we just say something? I feel like his mum is owed an explanation for the scarce visits. But I don’t believe this man has the capacity to understand or change so is there no point rocking the boat and we just manage visits accordingly??? I’d have a chat with his mum but I actually think she’d be quite offended and defensive about it all because there is no harm intended…but regardless of intent, I have a sobbing daughter almost every time.

OP posts:

Whiteflowerscreed · 20/05/2025 12:04

Low contact with FIL. Fuck that.

Original poster

MamaW05 · 20/05/2025 12:05

Adding my daughter is a pretty fiery little lady and not just getting upset at nothing or the first tease.

OP posts:

dogcatkitten · 20/05/2025 12:07

Can't MIL keep him in order? Or does she condone it? Tell her what he does, although she must have seen it, and get her to stop him before it gets too much. Did he do this to your DH when he was young?

Daisyvodka · 20/05/2025 12:12

This is a very short conversation, with FIL, in the moment.
'Hey, I've don't know if you realise, but she's getting upset and angry when you tease her and doesn't like it. I'm worried that she isn't going to want to spend any time with you if you continue.'
If he does 'it's just a joke'
'And that would be fine if she found it funny and was enjoying it, but she's not, it's upsetting her, so you can just make jokes that don't involve teasing! She loves silly jokes about (insert interest of choice here) and i know she'd love to see that from you'

And then if he keeps doing it:
'FIL, you are upsetting her, maybe change to playing with xx'
If he keeps at it:
'She doesn't like it! I find it really weird that you want to keep doing something to your grandchildren that you know upsets her, so just stop? I don't understand why you are finding this so hard, you are making a small child cry because you think she should find something funny'

TopographicalTime · 20/05/2025 12:13

I'd just have a firm word with him myself - 'it's unacceptable to tease my daughter and if you continue to talk to her like that you won't see the gc regularly'

My FiL will take the mickey out of my DH -took me a while to realise DH found this quite unpleasant and now I just change the subject or say something positive about DH if FiL is being negative. Your scenario seems more extreme and your daughter needs protecting - both to stop her getting upset and to stop her mimicking his behaviour.

WhingeInTheWillows · 20/05/2025 12:13

Surely you or your DH can say to both of them that any teasing stops at the first sign of upset? Then if he doesn’t change you go low contact.

AnnaMagnani · 20/05/2025 12:17

If you get on well with MIL can you explain it to her?

It would depend what motivates her the most, seeing her GCs or placating FIL.

MummyDummyNow · 20/05/2025 12:19

Why on earth haven’t you just told him to stop upsetting her? Not only is your daughter’s grandfather upsetting her, her Mother and Father are letting it happen! How do you think that makes her feel?

MissDoubleU · 20/05/2025 12:20

I’d be telling FIL that if he upsets my DD again he won’t be accepted into my home until he gives her a very serious and genuine apology. Your child’s first bully should not be her own grandparent. His presence is not worth more than her peace.

As a young woman as well it is going to be vital she is not brought up with the understanding men be cruel because they care/love her. I absolutely would not stand for another second of this and would be giving my daughter the right tools to tell her FIL to f off, quite frankly.

Mintyt · 20/05/2025 12:20

@Daisyvodkaperfect.

uglysexy · 20/05/2025 12:21

Please stop it

I was "teased" by my father, grandfather and uncle and my mother did nothing

They loved to get me hysterical by throwing me up and down and chasing me with insects and throwing them on me

I hate them all now and never speak, I was terrified and hysterical and they thought it was funny

nutbrownhare15 · 20/05/2025 12:26

You have to say something so they both understand it needs to stop. What daisy vodka said. If that leads to ruptures in the relationship then that is actually ok as he will carry on doing it otherwise.

fairygardenpath · 20/05/2025 12:30

I have someone like this in my life and I’ve just had to limit contact. It’s a shame as there’s no malice there but I do have to put my child first and conversations just don’t work.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 20/05/2025 12:34

This man needs stopped, don't allow him to brush off his bullying of a child as a 'joke', advocate for your children.

Your husband should have shut down the bullying immediately, he's allowed it to drag on for years, that's awful.

The bully's wife can be told why you don't want her husband around your kids. It's a simple natural consequence of the man's poor behaviour choices.

Meadowfinch · 20/05/2025 12:35

I'd explain it to MIL. Let her deal with it, or at least understand the problem.

Wednesdayisme · 20/05/2025 12:36

I get he's your FIL and you want to keep the peace but this is bordering abusive. Joking around is one thing but this is awful behaviour and more concerning that he's silent around adults yet plenty to say to a child. This has to be nipped in the bud this isn't how a grandparent should be acting.

Toootss · 20/05/2025 12:39

Does DH have a sister? He’s being horrid -she’s only 4!

outerspacepotato · 20/05/2025 12:41

Your FiL purposefully works her up to see her get angry and upset. He is deliberately tormenting her.

Your partner is a spineless coward if he won't tell his hateful father to stop bullying his daughter. If he won't, tell him you will and you won't be nice about it.

She is learning her parents don't stand up for her. Do you want her to feel like that?

I had a grandmother who did that to me when I was the same age as your daughter and for a few years after. It's horrible for a little kid.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/05/2025 12:42

This is clearly unacceptable behaviour from your FIL, @MamaW05, but I think that, if your dh isn't going to say anything to his dad, you need to.

"FIL - I appreciate that you are trying to play with dd, but when you tease her, it upsets her, and both dh and I find that completely unacceptable. If you carry on doing this, all she will remember is Grandad being mean and nasty to her, then telling her off when he's upset her - that is very quickly going to sour the relationship between you and her, and I am sure you don't want that. Do you want her to think of you as mean Grandad who shouts at me? Going forward, please stop teasing dd - full stop."

Hopefully he will listen and will do as you ask, but if he doesn't, I'd stop letting him see your dd altogether, for a while, then reiterate that he must promise to stop teasing your dd if he wants to see her.

2024onwardsandup · 20/05/2025 12:45

He’s rocking the boat

call him out every single time and if he doesn’t stop tell him no more visits

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 20/05/2025 12:46

I have spoken to MIL as has DH about FIL occaional attitude towards DS - not the girls just him - it's almost competative.

We played champorone/interference and DS learnt to keep away when older and his older sister got protective - but occasioanlly more was needed - TBF MIL stepped in and stopped it for a while.

We can't do short trips but it's easier onneutral territory or at ours - and busy trips when there's lost of other things going on and their own room to get away from it. I'ev also been blunt and stepped in many times.

However if MIL isn't on board and your DH thinks it's a waste of time trying to talk to him - then I'd do as few as meets ups as possible going forward - at least until she a lot older and can do a cold hard stare.

If MIL ask why tell her - her husband behavior upsets your DD and you and her Dad think it's bad for her social development and it's distrubing not a joke and you worried she'd just minimise it rather than deal with it.

Dreichweather · 20/05/2025 12:46

Why are you allowing this to happen to your child? It isn’t acceptable for her to have to put up with this.

thetrumanshow · 20/05/2025 12:47

I would just not see him more than once a year, twice at most.
No time and energy for such idiocy.

BellissimoGecko · 20/05/2025 12:48

dogcatkitten · 20/05/2025 12:07

Edited

Why should it be up to a woman to police an adult man’s behaviour??

Calmdownpeople · 20/05/2025 12:49

Here’s the thing I struggle with. If this was a child acting like this there would be every excuse under the sun including allowing for tolerance because he sounds possibly ND.

If this was an ND child it would be ‘fine’. If FIL is ND shouldn’t that logic also apply?

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