I have known my FIL over twenty years. He’s a socially awkward man and in the time I’ve known him has barely managed more than a hi and bye to me. I thought it might be me but since having kids friends have met him at parties etc and independently made the same comments. All fine, we’ve rubbed along fine as needed and in his own way welcomed me into the family.
I have a 4 year old child and in the last year or so I (or we, my partner feels the same!) have found it increasingly hard to deal with his behaviour around her. Whilst he can play nicely with her, brings her stickers etc, he will tease her to the point that she is upset or angry, carry on a bit more, then tell her off (he’s told her to shut up before) or tease her for being upset. She can be sobbing saying ‘stop it’at this point. My husband and I now watch like hawks and are having to step in each time - husband will not have an overall chat with FIL about his behaviour as he says he won’t get it, it’s just who he is, he’ll say it’s just a joke etc.
We had agreed my husband would be around for all visits my FIL is there to nip it in the bud. I have a baby and cannot be there all the time and I’m not willing to leave my elder daughter to be teased by herself. However recently when I thought it was only MIL free she asked to bring FIL as plans had changed so I said yes trying to be gracious. On this visit FIL told my daughter to tease him for his grey hairs, encouraging her to find more and keep going. He then suddenly turned round and retorted ‘well you’ve got ginger in YOUR hair’. She is 4. Luckily she has no idea this was intended as an insult but I’m fuming that this man is so thoughtless and could have set her up with an insecurity when she is currently so confident.
I’m now doubling down on my husband needing to be there for visits, I’m simply not prepared to be the chaperone for his bad behaviour anymore and I am unable to be there all the time whilst caring for the youngest too. I also have very precious little time with my daughters before going back to work, why should we all cop it because a grown man can’t check himself. However as I’m on maternity leave it’s going to very obvious their visits have become minimal and I feel sorry for his mum who looked after our daughter a lot before she went to school and I feel is owed an explanation.
So…
YABU - you and your daughter just need to put up with this behaviour and call him out. You should host them even without DH around. No family is perfect. Use any inappropriate comments as life lessons for your daughter.
YANBU - it’s unacceptable behaviour towards a 4 year old and you shouldn’t have to be the one to manage it or risk your daughter being hurt if you are not able to be in the room the whole time. Have the FIL visit only when husband is also available.
and if YANBU do we just say something? I feel like his mum is owed an explanation for the scarce visits. But I don’t believe this man has the capacity to understand or change so is there no point rocking the boat and we just manage visits accordingly??? I’d have a chat with his mum but I actually think she’d be quite offended and defensive about it all because there is no harm intended…but regardless of intent, I have a sobbing daughter almost every time.