WIBU if I complain about this teacher?

[Throwawaymama]

I need impartial advice in an awful situation.

my son (14) has got into a fight today at school. I am not happy about this obviously. Lots of stuff going on and I’m looking at getting him help.

There has been back and forth drama between him and another boy for the past few weeks, and today this other boy was being kept in isolation at lunch with his head of year (boy is year below so it’s a different HOY). I don’t know why but he was with her all afternoon.

my son has found out where he was and gone storming into the room with 3 of his friends (again this is NOT okay) and started to punch this boy.

here’s the bit I’m not happy with.

the head of year has forcibly got in the middle and told my son to get out - he did - but as he turned round again to say something to the other boy she has pushed him away from her and again screamed at him to get out. She’s not big or tall and she didn’t hurt him.

WIBU to complain about the teacher doing this? I thought they weren’t allowed to put hands on students?

throwaway for obvious reasons.

And this is why behaviour in schools has reached an all time low. Your first concern should be the disgraceful behaviour of your violent, bullying son. The teacher should be commended for her quick, brave actions. Parents should support teachers in their attempts to keep order.

No wonder teachers are leaving the profession.

He wasn’t walking away, he’d turned back to the other boy. YOUR WORDS.

Regardless of the absolute detail of that point, I hope your son gets expelled and the teacher deserves a medal.

His behaviour is appalling and indefensible. You are trying to minimise it by fixating on an irrelevant point. Your son went looking for a younger child with a gang of fellow thugs in order to beat him up. He cares so little he wasn’t even bothered there was a teacher in the room. As I said already, I hope he is expelled and has the book thrown at him. ‘Getting him help’ sounds like meaningless platitudes at this stage.

And yes I am judging the fuck out of your parenting if this is your response to an incident as severe as that.

The teacher was very courageous, a small woman taking on a teenage boy throwing punches? She was using reasonable force to defend herself and the other boy.

You son is a violent, pack-running aggressor.

He behaved like that in a place where all children and staff deserve to feel safe.

99% of the respondents agree, I’m assuming you voted against.

This is what a jury will look like if he doesn’t sort himself out now.

I wouldn’t be apportioning blame on that brave woman, I’d be hanging my head in abject mortification.

Lots of stuff going on and I’m looking at getting him help.

Please, you will not help your son by complaining about this teacher. You will help him by making.ing it clear to him that his actions were shameful, cowardly and wholly inexcusable. If he was stupid enough to turn back having been told to leave and had to be pushed away by the teacher, that simply exacerbates already awful behaviour.

Seriously, he will be extremely lucky if he is not permanently excluded and charged with criminal assault. You trying to blame one of his victims will not help him realise what a dangerous path he is going down.

And FYI - your son didn’t get ‘into a fight today’ he committed a premeditated attack on a younger boy with a group of other whom he had recruited.
A small female member of staff bravely intervened to protect a lobe pupil from an attack by 4 older boys led by your son.
As he was leaving he turned back to ‘say something’ I’m sure we can all imagine what that might look like in a 14year old boy who is amped up and adrenaline filled?!?
And yet the bit you’re not happy with is the teacher pushed him away and screamed at him to get out.
This has got to be a wind up!!!?

He says she did this as he was walking away. You trust him? You think his judgement is spot on?

I'm a secondary teacher.

We are totally allowed to intervene in fights in whatever way is appropriate to ensure our own and other students' safety.

Criminal age of responsibility in England is 10. I'd be advising the teacher to contact the cops (yeah, I'm a union rep as well). Hopefully, the other kid's parents will also contact the cops. It's assault. He should do time.

OP will be back in five years - "my son broke his gf's jaw but he says she cheated on him". Then in ten years, "my grandchildren's mother won't let me see them because I am planning to let my son live at my house after he gets out of prison".

I hope you can see from the pages and pages of comments you have received that there is zero doubt you are being exceptionally unreasonable. Have you actually spoke to the school for the teacher's version or just taking the word of your aggressive son?

"the head of year has forcibly got in the middle and told my son to get out - he did - but as he turned round again to say something to the other boy she has pushed him away from her and again screamed at him to get out. She’s not big or tall and she didn’t hurt him"

Your language around this is all wrong op.

Your son and 2 other teenage boys forcibly barged in the the head of years office, where she was protecting a boy who they were clearly marauding around trying to find so they could beat the crap out of him.

These boys then began punching this boy....who the teacher has a duty of care to protect. So she bravely stood between them hoping desperately that your son had some miniscule sense of decency and that he wasn't going to punch a female teacher to get the boy he was actively punching.....that was incredibly brave, anything could've happened to her. She told your son to back off and he began to but then he turned again, he says so he could say something but in that split second, whilst likely quite scared and full of adrenaline the teacher thought he might be turning to have another go with her in the middle so she put up her hands and defensive pushed back as he advanced.

Even if it was the case that your son was only going to speak the second time (which ai highly doubt) I think it could very easily be midconstrued by anyone else that he intended otherwise....mainly because he's the sort of person who thinks it's fine to barge into a teachers office and attempt the beat someone up....nothing about his behaviour would have led me to feel that he had the best intentions at that moment.

It is astonishing to me that you are interpreting this as your thug of a son having been wronged. If this was my son (which it never would be) I would be absolutely livid with him and telling him that's what you get for behaving like a thug.

I'm a teacher and can assure you - they are!

It might not always be at this end of the spectrum with regards to violence, but there really are parents complaining about every telling-off, detention, and comment that I make towards their child that is not 100% positive. Parents who will want a full scale investigation over a comment or incident that the child and I had forgotten about a week ago.

It makes the job ten times harder when you have to justify everything you do.There are many more parents than you'd think whose child can do no wrong. It really is no wonder we're leaving in droves (I can't work for a few months and questioning going back!)

I don’t think they is genuine as I dont believe anybody could be as unreasonable as you.Your Son has behaved appallingly and you want to complain about the teacher who had no choice but to manage this dreadful situation.Can you not possibly understand that she needed to protect herself and her pupil.Your lad sounds like a thug and your attitude disgusts me.In future years you will be in a Police Station blaming the Police.

Sorry! The teachers remarks.

YABVU

Flip the situation so it’s your child being attacked and the teacher pushing the attacker out of the room. You’d be alright with that wouldn’t you?

You, your weak and inexcusable parenting, and your resulting thug of a son are the scourge of society. I cannot fathom my son doing this and my concern being the teacher. Punish your son. Leave the poor teacher alone. I really want good teachers for my children and I am fed up with awful awful parents like you driving them out of the profession.

If I was the parent of the child who was being attacked I would be reporting these vile boys to the police.

You OP are an idiot.Fancy thinking of complaining about the female teacher who was in that frightening situation!

Do not complain about this. Imagine the message it will send your son.

Absolutely blown away by this! Are you out of your mind OP? Of course you are being unreasonable, and I sincerely hope that your son hasn’t picked up on your views on this. Bloody hell.

You don’t have to read far into this document to see that what the teacher did is completely reasonable: https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5a819959ed915d74e6233224/Use_of_reasonable_force_advice_Reviewed_July_2015.pdf

Place your energy somewhere else. Your son, maybe?

Idiot. Both your son and you.

Honestly, I despair. Teacher of 30 + years here & I've stopped 3 fights in total. Those have been very extreme cases. I work in an inner-city school with lots of social issues, so no leafy, private school here. A fight like you describe is extreme & worrying. Focus on that, not someone trying to protect herself & another child.

Totally totally agree @Throwawaymama - I hope you’re reading all these comments and thinking how to parent better and apologise to this teacher who I’m sure will be upset this evening.

She’s not big or tall

I wonder if this boy would have done the same if the supervising teacher had been a 6ft 3in man built like a brick shithouse, rather than a small woman?

(And if the 6ft 3in man had laid hands on the boy to remove him from the situation, and then stood over him and given him the bollocking he deserved, it still wouldn't be cause for complaint.)

no wonder this generation is growing up entytled with these sort of arsehole parents

sometimes wish it was like tghe old days when kids had respect and someone could give them a slap

To be honest, even if she do it as he was walking away (probably in a confused panic) I still wouldn’t be complaining if it were my son. I’d be so ashamed and devastated that my child could behave that way.

I’m glad you are getting help for your son, it sounds like he desperately needs it. I also hope the other child and teacher get justice and your son is expelled. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but I have 3 boys with SEN and my oldest in particular has anger issues (so we’ve had some issues in the past) but what I’d just read is on another level.i would be very frightened that my son was capable of this.

Classic case of deflection. You are entirely correct when you say “I know what my DS did was far from ok” and that should be all you say. Adding in “…but, the teacher’s behaviour was worthy of complaint” is ridiculous.

I will say this:

1. i have worked in education for more than 20 years, specifically with children where challenging behaviour is present. I am trained in how to diffuse situations and positively handle children if the need arises and I can assure you although pushing a child away when they are about to attack another child isn’t one of the technical manoeuvres we learn, it would be considered as reasonable and proportionate. In other words you don’t have a leg to stand on and will make yourself look very silly.
2. by complaining about this teacher you are drawing attention away from your DS’s behaviour. This is a terrible lesson to teach your DS! (“Son, if you’ve behaved really badly try and find a way to deflect attention rather than facing the true consequences of what you’ve done!”) It reminds me of someone who’s been caught red handed cheating when a partner reads an incriminating message on their phone and the cheating partner flies into a rage about their privacy being invaded. It’s all deflection away from the real issue. This is what you’re teaching him to do.
3. he may be incensed about what the teacher has done. This is a normal teenage reaction to knowing they have done something bad. It’s an emotionally immature response. It’s what they do. It’s your job to guide him to the appropriate response. In other words “you were about to attack that child. The teacher was preventing this from happening and you should be grateful they stepped in because you could have caused lasting damage to that child if you had continued with your attack. Be thankful you were stopped! You put that teacher in an awful position. Don’t you dare blame them. You were entirely in the wrong and you will certainly not be complaining about anyone else’s conduct!!” This is the only appropriate response.