Daughter won’t come on holiday

[OneLilacPanda]

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

At her age I would expect my partner to be invited as well

How would you feel about going on holiday with your mum, dad, siblings but without your husband?

Now try and apply that feeling to create some empathy.

Is she the only one of your children with a long-term partner? Is it a financial consideration, i.e., you'd want him to pay his way if he comes too, but you'll pay for your DD?

I'd accept that your DD isn't coming without him and if it's finances, just be honest and say that he'll need to pay for himself.

@TENSsion My DH takes his parents on holiday without me, and I love the peace. 😄If he, his parents and siblings all wanted to go away together, I'd happily wave them off, I love being on my own for a while!

But I'm 50 so at a different life stage to the OP's DD.

They are a couple. He comes too or she doesn't.

My MIL is like you sound - she just wants ti see her sons not their wives. When kids arrived that all became too tricky to humour (logistically) and so guess what? We don’t see much of her and she rarely sees her sons because it is so difficult to do away from their own families except rarely. Her loss. Don’t make thd same mistake - welcome him in (don’t pay for him, though - you’re under no obligation to do that)

You’re being completely unreasonable here. Why do you think your daughter is the one being unreasonable?

If I were him I’d feel pretty offended. At 25 if my long term partner had said they were going to go on holiday with their parents and without me I’d be looking for a new partner!

They would probably prefer to go and do their own thing anyway. A holiday with parents when you’re 25 doesn’t sound very exciting to me.

Wouldn’t bother me in the least, nor would it bother me if dh went on hols with his parents and siblings without me.

In honesty, it is probably partly the way you've gone about it. Just arranging a holiday as if she's still 10 years old and lives with you quite probably rankles. She's an independent adult who gets to choose.

I think it’s great you’ve taken it on board., @OneLilacPanda !

It’s easily fixed by inviting him along. And telling your daughter you’re sorry, you hadn’t realised you were clinging to the idea of her as a child but you realise she’s become an adult and you need to adapt to that.

It's part of the passage of time with families. The kids grow, acquire partners, sometimes children and the definition of family expands. Whilst I love having a quick getaway with just my kids for us to reconnect, the main family holiday, if we do it all together includes partner too. I always have a great time. They're family after all this time with all the rows and laughs family brings.

The daughter wants her partner there and the partner wants to be there.

It’s not the same situation.

But the daughter IS bothered. It sounds like OP wouldn’t want to do anything without her husband so it would be easy to reflect on her feelings to use that knowledge to inform her on how her daughter might feel.

You not giving a shit is neither here nor there. These people do give a shit.

I don’t understand the feedback on this thread.

If the daughter was going away with a group of girlfriends, should the boyfriend get an invite as well? Obviously not.

So why is it so beyond the realms that this girl could take a week and go away with her family by herself? Particularly before children come along if that’s on the cards for them, it’s much easier to spend that time together?

Him being there would totally change the dynamic of the group and I can understand OP just wanting to spend time with her family. Whatever PPs are saying, this man is not family. Wouldn’t surprise me if his presence also pissed off the other siblings.

This is really good advice.

OP you need to make an effort to see and include him as family because when/ if they have children, he may not view you as family and may choose to exclude you in return.

Yes but you are saying “create some empathy” emplying the op is lacking in it. Not everyone feels the same as this daughter, clearly her siblings don’t and the op might not either. So your “empathy” comment may not be either here nor there either.

One day they might have a family of their own, what will you do then?

couldn’t agree more.

She wanted to take her husband on a mother/ daughter weekend….

Did you go on holiday with your parents at 25? I bet you didn’t.

Our kids are in their 20s, we’ll have one holiday a year that we invite them on. We now include partners if they want to come. We pay for them too as we’re softies. We find that the flasher the holiday, the more likely they are to want to join us. Funny that…

well I don’t agree with that either. It’s clearly not a mother/daughter weekend if he is there !

But it exemplifies that the mother would not want to do anything without her husband.

It really doesn’t… I took that to mean would it be acceptable for the PPs on here if she were to invite her family only on a long weekend away instead of a full holiday. As in, where do you draw the line. Is 2 days with family okay to not invite him, or do they now have to invite him to every single thing they do as a family.

There's a world of difference between hen dos, girls weekends away and family holidays. I go on girls weekends and hen dos without my husband but I consider my husband my family and did even long before we got married therefore would expect him to be included in family occasions, trips and holidays. This isn't co-dependent at all, it's just a normal healthy relationship. If people are going down this logic, then they could ask why the OP needs her husband to go on a family trip.

The OPs daughter clearly says she considers her partner of 7 years family and wants him included on a holiday. It's irrelevant if other posters don't think he should be included, she wants him included as she feels he is part of her damilt family. A sentiment most long term couples share.

The OP has graciously reflected on the situation which I think is a great thing to do. There's still nothing stopping them having weekends away mother and daughter as well.