Daughter won’t come on holiday

[OneLilacPanda]

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

On the plus side, your dd has already asked if her partner can come too. So it's clear that neither of them are horrified by the idea of a week in your company. So I would take that as a win, personally!😂

Would you feel differently if they had kids? I’m guessing you would. Therefore yabu to not treat him like part of the family. A six year relationship and living together is not some flash in the pan. They probably like spending most of their holiday periods together. They probably only get a limited amount a year, a a particular budget set aside for holidays.
I wouldn’t be paying for them (or any of the kids for that matter) though.

I'm glad OP and I know you'll find that a "new normal" can be even better than what you're used to.

It may not be too late Op, tell your DD you've thought long and hard and seen that you're been trying to hold on to the past, you didn't mean any harm and it's not that you dislike her DP it's just hard to see your DC grow up. Hopefully she'll change her mind

I had a five year old son and my own house and a full time career at this age 🫣

I don’t think she’s unreasonable to expect to bring her partner. They aren’t kids who just met. These are two adults with a long established relationship who live together.

Perhaps think toward the future here. At some point they could have children and/or get married and your stance here is going to ensure you’re excluded.

I suspect that OP has some Asian roots or connections. I'm much older than OP's daughter, and though single, it's completely imaginable that my mum still values her nuclear family above all else.
Were you over protective when your daughter was younger? Or are you enmeshed with her life but not aware of it? I think words like toxic or narcissistic may be too harsh or vague--enmeshed and therefore not accepting her to be her own person seems likely.

I'd have defo included him when they have been together that long.

Just you and her!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to invite just your daughter. It’s your family holiday. He isn’t family yet- they aren’t married and don’t have kids.

Id worry if my child was that co-dependent they needed their partner to be with them or they wouldn’t go away. What does she do on things like hen-dos? Refuse unless her partner comes?

lol, there’s always one

Are you a bit drunk ? Of course just mother and daughter ‘ on a mother and daughter weekend. Otherwise it’s exactly as the original scenario.

It’s meant to be a holiday, not a school outing!!

This a family holiday, and she considers him family (which he is), that's the difference.

And the relevance of that is ………?

The relevance being that she’s treating her 25 year old like a child when most adults of this age have started a family and living the adult life , the relevance of your need to comment on my post being relevant is. ??? Never quite understood why anyone comes on here to reply to others comments other than to quite honestly just be a bit of a bully.

What's the difference between a spouse and partner? Surely both is "co dependancy" as you put it.

Well OP's daughter clearly disagrees.

It's not co dependent to want to spend time with your boyfriend, and you won't build good relationships with your children's partners if you don't bother with them until they're married and have children.

Well - you have a choice, @OneLilacPanda - either you invite the boyfriend along, and accept that they won’t spend all the holiday with you, or your dd stays at home, and spends none of it with you.

I thought you were going to say the daughter is 14 and the 'partner' is a boyfirend of three weeks.
At 25, YABU

I've been with my partner since I was 17, although we had our first child at 24 so I know that's slightly different to your daughter but had my mum and dad done the same I wouldn't be going without him either. He's family now, you're being a bit of a muppet tbh.

Clearly an unpopular opinion but I think YANBU. I went away with my parents a few times at that around that age before I had kids. I had a partner at the time who is now my dh. Just because someone is your partner doesn’t mean you have to be glued to each other constantly and I don’t really get people who are like “I wouldn’t leave my partner for a family holiday”. The way I saw it I won’t have my parents forever and I wanted to spend time with them not DH on those holidays. It’s nice to have some alone time with other people in my opinion. I wouldn’t push it though just let her not go if that’s how she feels.

They aren't married and don't have kids. But they may never get married or have kids. Does that mean that her chosen life partner will never be part of the family?

Some people have very odd ideas!

And that's fine if everyone is happy with that approach, but if they aren't fine with it, then that's their prerogative. Choosing to spend time with your parents without your partner is very different to your parents demanding that you go on holiday with them and leave your partner behind.

Anyway, to her credit, the OP has reflected now and accepted that she was BU, so hopefully the matter can be resolved without further ado.

Exactly. Hence my reply saying I wouldn’t push it. Up to her at the end of the day.