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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter won’t come on holiday

525 replies

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:14

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

OP posts:
Fluffypotatoe123987 · 19/05/2025 17:04

Me and my 15 year old dd are of to lake garda for 2 nights 3 days next week. Booked via wowcher. I'm even hiring a car and petrified but good quality time. If my mum demanded me go on holiday with her and her husband and my brothers i would well and truly decline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Handbagcuriosity · 19/05/2025 17:04

Indigopetal · 19/05/2025 16:38

Would he? I'd be highly offended to be invited by my in-laws on a holiday and then made to sit by the pool myself because they all wanted "quality family time together". When your children are adults, their partners become family too.

I'm lucky though in that my parents and in-laws would never be so unbelievably rude to invite partners on holiday and then leave them out!

Show quote history

Not for the whole bloody holiday I’m talking an afternoon or a morning or something. OP’s DD might say no way. But if he/she are both reasonable and they all get along they might understand why OP wants a little bit of 1:1 time with her two children. Agree it would be rude to invite him and completely leave him out.

My in laws have sometimes invited my DH over to theirs for drinks and a catch up. Most of the time I am invited but I recognise it is nice for them to spend a bit 1:1 time with their son now and again.

Mumwithbaggage · 19/05/2025 17:05

I'm aware our adult kids get a set amount of annual leave and wouldn't dream of getting them to use it with us while leaving their partner behind!!

Three times now we've rented a big place in France. All are welcome with partners. It's lovely. We spend quality time together with the family as it is now - 4 kids and partners - taking turns at cooking/planning evenings with no requirement for enforced fun. It works for us.

You may push your daughter further away if you insist a 25yo comes on holiday without her long term partner! She's an adult.

CP2392 · 19/05/2025 17:07

This thread is pure insanity. Had to create an account just to ask if this real or a troll?

housethatbuiltme · 19/05/2025 17:09

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 15:35

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to think about these comments. I’ll think about how to talk to her about the holiday and apologise.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

my other children don’t mind going away without partners which is why I assumed she wouldn’t, but obviously that’s on me.

That would still be cutting her partner out and being disrespectful, its literally no different than the holiday... how are you not getting this?

Its entirely different a mother and daughter hanging out for a day together (maybe even a mam and her 2 daughters having a girly spa day etc...) and an entire traveling circus excluding just the 1 person.

You keep saying your DH and partner at no point have you said 'her dad' so is he not even her dad?

If not why do you think hes more important than her partner?

SockFluffInTheBath · 19/05/2025 17:14

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 15:35

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to think about these comments. I’ll think about how to talk to her about the holiday and apologise.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

my other children don’t mind going away without partners which is why I assumed she wouldn’t, but obviously that’s on me.

Gently, you need to let go of the obsession of having your little ducklings all together. A mother-daughter bonding trip does not involve dad and brothers for goodness sake.

SometimesUnsure · 19/05/2025 17:22

Depends on the family dynamics really. My family have had family trips where partners absolutely were welcome, some came and some didn't. There were also trips e.g. significant anniversaries for my parents where myself and siblings decided ourselves we didn't want to bring along partners. Sometimes my parents might check in with me about DH availability then if he wasnt fussed say no partners because they didn't want a particular partner attending and causing drama. Family dynamics and situation matters. Do what's right for you - especially if you are paying! Personally I love spending a bit of time with just my family. Despite being around the family for 15 years there's plenty of in-jokes etc that he doesn't get nor really wants to be involved in as he wasn't there etc. Yes it's nice to spend time with your SO but it can be nice to be with others for a change too!

HiRen · 19/05/2025 17:23

Gosh. I am going to go as far as saying I don't think it's healthy for parents of DC in their 20s and older to require partners to be ditched for a holiday together. What message is that sending the partners?

You need to let go, OP. This is really inappropriate. They'll always be your children, but they're adults now, free and able to make their own way in the world. The healthiest outcome, at 25 years old, would be for that to be without you and (if they're lucky) without having to think about you and your needs. Leave them be. They'll come back when they have children of their own.

midlifeattheoasis · 19/05/2025 17:23

YABVU

FloofyKat · 19/05/2025 17:25

I think it’s unkind and unrealistic to expect your adult daughter to come away with you without her partner of six years. I’m not at all surprised she declined.

Spirallingdownwards · 19/05/2025 17:27

Totally unreasonable

GinnyCat · 19/05/2025 17:37

Mumwithbaggage · 19/05/2025 17:05

I'm aware our adult kids get a set amount of annual leave and wouldn't dream of getting them to use it with us while leaving their partner behind!!

Three times now we've rented a big place in France. All are welcome with partners. It's lovely. We spend quality time together with the family as it is now - 4 kids and partners - taking turns at cooking/planning evenings with no requirement for enforced fun. It works for us.

You may push your daughter further away if you insist a 25yo comes on holiday without her long term partner! She's an adult.

Do you share the cost for the accommodation or is this. treat from you and your dh?

Cherrysoup · 19/05/2025 17:38

How many years before he becomes ’family’?

Daleksatemyshed · 19/05/2025 17:40

Your DD is your youngest at 25 but you planned a family holiday and expected her to go with it? Sorry Op,they will always be your DC but your DC are adults, they have their own lives, you cant just plan a holiday and expect she'll want to go especially without her long term DP. I mean this kindly Op but you're trying to turn back time to when they were biddable DC and that doesn't happen

GinnyCat · 19/05/2025 17:40

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

What do you mean by grow apart?

Notellinganyone · 19/05/2025 17:42

She’s 25 - at that age given she’s been with her partner for 6 years that seems pretty reasonable. I wouldn’t have wanted to go on holiday with my parents at that age.

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 17:45

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 15:35

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to think about these comments. I’ll think about how to talk to her about the holiday and apologise.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

my other children don’t mind going away without partners which is why I assumed she wouldn’t, but obviously that’s on me.

But how old are they, how long have they been with their partners? She has a long term partner you are excluding. And the person suggesting a mother/daughter trip was suggesting just that! No not your sons and husband too. Why can’t you go away just with her if you’re so bothered about her partner always being with her? If she has children one day will you invite them and still not her partner?! Where does it end?

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 19/05/2025 17:46

I think you're living in the past - the time for mum/dad/children holidays are over. Your children are grown up now, with their own families (yes, a long term partner is her family). I've had holidays with my parents but with my partner and kids too - I couldn't imagine my mum or dad insisting I go away just with them, like I'm still 13 or something!

Original poster
OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 17:49

Thanks everyone. I do see now I’ve been unreasonable and I agree I’ve been trying to hold on to something I should have already let go.

I know it might be too late to repair the damage but I’m glad for the reality check this thread has been. Hopefully I can do better going forward and mend this if possible.

OP posts:
MyLittleNest · 19/05/2025 17:50

"A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?"

A long weekend for mother/daughter bonding is just that. Mother and daughter or girls weekend type of thing.

OP, this entire thread is about the fact that your 25yo daughter (understandably) wants to include her live-in partner on a family trip. You really need to accept that your children are adults, not children, and that your days of having your husband and kids all to yourself are over.

mnahmnah · 19/05/2025 17:51

It would never have occurred to me ongoing holiday with my parents at that age, as much as I loved them and got on with them. Going without my partner even more so as it would be like treating me as a child still

Elphamouche · 19/05/2025 17:51

I wouldn’t go either!!

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 17:54

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 17:49

Thanks everyone. I do see now I’ve been unreasonable and I agree I’ve been trying to hold on to something I should have already let go.

I know it might be too late to repair the damage but I’m glad for the reality check this thread has been. Hopefully I can do better going forward and mend this if possible.

Invite any long term partners and damage will be repaired. I’d ask to do a mix of things all together and let them have some time too and I think you will have a fab time!

Hollietree · 19/05/2025 18:03

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 17:49

Thanks everyone. I do see now I’ve been unreasonable and I agree I’ve been trying to hold on to something I should have already let go.

I know it might be too late to repair the damage but I’m glad for the reality check this thread has been. Hopefully I can do better going forward and mend this if possible.

Really pleased to see you are starting to see your daughter’s point of view. I’m sure it’s not too late to repair things. Give your daughter a call and say that you’ve had a rethink and since she’s been with her partner a long time now, you would really love to invite him on the family holiday too, as you would really like to spend quality time with them as a couple and get to know him better. I bet she will be really pleased. I hope it will bring you back closer going forwards.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/05/2025 18:07

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 17:49

Thanks everyone. I do see now I’ve been unreasonable and I agree I’ve been trying to hold on to something I should have already let go.

I know it might be too late to repair the damage but I’m glad for the reality check this thread has been. Hopefully I can do better going forward and mend this if possible.

Good for you, OP. It isn't easy to respond graciously when you've had your arse handed to you on a plate, but kudos to you for taking on board the feedback.

I don't think it will be too late to fix this at all. Just have an honest and sincere conversation with your dd about what you've said here... that you were trying to hold on to something that you should have let go of, that you realise now that you were being unreasonable ,and that you want to repair the damage.