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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter won’t come on holiday

525 replies

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:14

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

OP posts:
Maybebaybee · 19/05/2025 16:34

If they've been together for 7 years, you've been wildly unreasonable not inviting him!

It's better to have time with your daughter and her partner, than neither of them at all.

I'd imagine this attitude towards him will only drive a further wedge into your relationship. My in laws would never ever have excluded me

DisforDarkChocolate · 19/05/2025 16:35

She's 25 and lives 7 hours away. Why on earth did you think she'd want to holiday without him?

It's time to accept your family is different.

Cynic17 · 19/05/2025 16:36

Most adults don't go on holiday with their parents.
Most adults who have a partner want to actually holiday with their partner.

Don't you remember being 25, OP?

Of course, if you want your daughter to go with you, it's only right that her partner goes too.

givemushypeasachance · 19/05/2025 16:37

How long have your other children had partners for, do they have kids etc? If people have fairly new partners I think it's pretty common for a family holiday with grown up children to not include a new boyfriend/girlfriend of say 6 months. But once someone has been with a partner for 6 years, are they not considered part of the family?

At Christmas if your children come to spend the festive season with you do they come alone or bring partners?

Indigopetal · 19/05/2025 16:38

Handbagcuriosity · 19/05/2025 16:30

I thought when I started reading you were going to say she’s 15 or 16.

Have only read your updates not the full thread. I do get why you would prefer your daughter to come alone and have time just as a family. But given her age, things have changed for her and she’s probably got very different thoughts on what she would like to do on her holidays.

Neither of you are wrong as such. If he is nice and gets in with everyone. Could you have a chat with your DD, maybe agree he could come if he pays his way but tell her your feelings about why you wanted just the family there. See if she might agree to some family time or mother daughter time for bits of the holiday if her partner were to come?

That would be a good compromise. He’s a grown up so am sure he’d be fine to sit by the pool or something for an afternoon if you wanted some quality family time

Would he? I'd be highly offended to be invited by my in-laws on a holiday and then made to sit by the pool myself because they all wanted "quality family time together". When your children are adults, their partners become family too.

I'm lucky though in that my parents and in-laws would never be so unbelievably rude to invite partners on holiday and then leave them out!

Cynic17 · 19/05/2025 16:39

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

It is completely normal to "grow apart" from an adult child - that's how it works as they develop their own life.
And when they have a partner, then the partner takes priority over the parents.
Your daughter is 25, not 12, so please stop treating her like a child.

Lollypop701 · 19/05/2025 16:41

Is your dh not family? He’s not blood related op, so really it should be just you and the kids. Dh could have a similar trip with his relatives?

If you want a relationship with your dd then it includes her partner, as you can see from the responses this is normal.

i think You should be looking at why you don’t feel your children’s partners are your family and how to change this. If it’s because you are not sure if they are long term, if you wait too long the ship to build a relationship has sailed… and you have lost out on time with Dd, her partner and any dc they may choose to have - she will not visit if she feels he is unwelcome. If marriage is the key, can’t you see that if he’s not welcome now he won’t want to join your family later, especially as distance is an issue. How often do you travel to see them?

maybe time to look at you op? the time for a holiday with just you n the kids is past, and work out how to enjoy the company of your new bigger family

Miyagi99 · 19/05/2025 16:41

Surely he is part of the family, I would have invited him anyway ( although not necessarily paid, depending on financial circumstances).

TomatoSandwiches · 19/05/2025 16:42

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 15:35

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to think about these comments. I’ll think about how to talk to her about the holiday and apologise.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

my other children don’t mind going away without partners which is why I assumed she wouldn’t, but obviously that’s on me.

Over It Maid GIF

Ffs

SunsetCocktails · 19/05/2025 16:42

Fargo79 · 19/05/2025 16:19

Your daughter sounds like she's done incredibly well to try and break away from the enmeshed, infantilising relationship you've attempted to craft (and apparently have succeeded in developing with her older siblings). Her brothers are either approaching 30 or older and they are happy to come on "family holidays" that don't involve their partners? That's not healthy.

I am entirely unsurprised that your daughter lives 7 hours away and rarely visits. Instead of trying to pressure her into doing what you want, stop treating her like a kid, accept that she's now a grown woman with her own life and adapt. You aren't supposed to be her nuclear family forever. Otherwise you will likely lose your relationship with her altogether.

Maybe the brothers partners are happy to stay home because they don’t feel like part of the family, same as the daughters partner.

phoenixrosehere · 19/05/2025 16:43

Some posters are being a bit over the top about this.

It may not be normal to some on here but for others, some of us do travel with just our parents without our spouses.

OP did say that her other children have no issue with travelling without their spouses and she thought her daughter would be the same.

It’s obvious that some posters would be comfortable with it and some wouldn’t so no idea why some are being unnecessarily rude to OP.

scotstars · 19/05/2025 16:44

Would you have gone on holiday at that age with your parents and without your long term partner? You say you have drifted since she moved in with him perhaps you should try to include him a bit more and it might improve your closeness to your daughter. She is absolutely right to decide wether she goes on holiday with him or you it's not a battle you will win I don't see what's wrong with going on holiday and not spending every second together as a family

ItGhoul · 19/05/2025 16:45

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 15:35

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to think about these comments. I’ll think about how to talk to her about the holiday and apologise.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

my other children don’t mind going away without partners which is why I assumed she wouldn’t, but obviously that’s on me.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

So basically you're saying you can only bond with her if she leaves her partner at home, but you won't ever go away without your own partner?

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/05/2025 16:45

Ask her if she would like a long weekend away with just you. Perhaps somewhere equidistant for both of you. Do you see your other DC more often, do they live closer?

Stravaig · 19/05/2025 16:48

Your daughter is a fully-grown adult. She's not a dependent child accessory revolving around you.

You want to holiday with your partner; she wants to holiday with hers.

You expect her to holiday with your partner; but you won't holiday with hers.

Wtaf? Sort yourself out before you see even less of her!

user2848502016 · 19/05/2025 16:49

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 15:35

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to think about these comments. I’ll think about how to talk to her about the holiday and apologise.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

my other children don’t mind going away without partners which is why I assumed she wouldn’t, but obviously that’s on me.

I would do it just you and her - “girls weekend” type thing. I do that with my mum and with my daughters.
Part of growing older is spending less time alone with your kids without their partners. I live close to my parents so do see them without my husband but my brothers live further away so I can’t remember when I last saw them alone because they come for the weekend with their partners or we go to visit them.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/05/2025 16:52

phoenixrosehere · 19/05/2025 16:43

Some posters are being a bit over the top about this.

It may not be normal to some on here but for others, some of us do travel with just our parents without our spouses.

OP did say that her other children have no issue with travelling without their spouses and she thought her daughter would be the same.

It’s obvious that some posters would be comfortable with it and some wouldn’t so no idea why some are being unnecessarily rude to OP.

It would have been completely fine if the OP had simply suggested a nuclear family holiday, and everyone had been happy to go along with that suggestion. However, she seems to have "planned" the holiday without any consultation and the dd has since told her very clearly that she doesn't want to go without her partner being invited too.

Instead of just respecting her daughter's feelings on the matter, and either extending the invite to all partners or accepting that the daughter wouldn't come, the OP has said that she thinks that the adult daughter should set aside her own preferences, toss aside her partner and do as her mother says.

That is a really unhealthy approach to interacting with an adult child.

Naivekoala · 19/05/2025 16:54

I'm not surprised. A. She wants to spend annual leave with her partner.
B. You don't regard her partner as family.

RedToothBrush · 19/05/2025 16:55

Oh dear well, you've just screwed up your relationship with your daughter and potential son in law there haven't you. Well done.

Octoberdreaming · 19/05/2025 16:56

Of course YABU!! For goodness sake.

titchy · 19/05/2025 16:56

A mother/ daughter bonding time obviously doesn’t include siblings or her father? Seriously?! You’re trying to exclude him from another potential event based on a technicality?

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 19/05/2025 16:57

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 15:35

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to think about these comments. I’ll think about how to talk to her about the holiday and apologise.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

my other children don’t mind going away without partners which is why I assumed she wouldn’t, but obviously that’s on me.

The clue is in the term mother daughter.

You want to repair your strained relationship then stop trying to make it about everyone else and focus on you and her!

housethatbuiltme · 19/05/2025 17:01

My mam always talked about planning 'family' holidays with just me and the kids (not DH) as that would be weird and uncomfortable for her apparently... but me, DH and the kids ARE the family and so the holidays never happened.

I wouldn't go off on a family holiday without him just as he wouldn't go off on one without me.

It's deeply disrespectful to expect someone to just ditch their partner just because you haven't taken the time to get to know them.

Someone2025 · 19/05/2025 17:03

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 15:35

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to think about these comments. I’ll think about how to talk to her about the holiday and apologise.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

my other children don’t mind going away without partners which is why I assumed she wouldn’t, but obviously that’s on me.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

So are you going to try and sell the trip with the whole family as a mother daughter trip?!?

MiddleAgedDread · 19/05/2025 17:04

a "mother & daughter" trip is what it says on the tin.....if you take the entire family that's back to your family holiday concept!!
At most I'd want to go away with my immediate family or mother for a weekend. I don't have enough annual leave or sanity to do a full week with them. We're all grown adults with different likes, dislikes and needs, and someone always looses out on these things if you try and do everything together.