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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter won’t come on holiday

525 replies

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:14

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

OP posts:
Bloodylovecheese · 19/05/2025 16:02

My daughter would be the same. YABU. She's not 16, she's and adult and wants to holiday with her partner too

Gymnopedie · 19/05/2025 16:03

I thought you were going to say they'd been together for three weeks.

YABVVU. She is closer to him than to you now. As it should be. Learn to accept it and your new relationship with her.

Wishboneswishes · 19/05/2025 16:05

I agree YABU.

Especially considering they live together of course he is her number one, which is as it should be.

We’ve taken our DCs away with partners and had a brilliant time - embrace the change and growth in your family numbers!

You could do a weekend away with DD but if you take DH and siblings then you’re excluding her partner again I think. Can you just take your DDs away? Could DH take DS - as a girls and guys bonding?

AlorsTimeForWine · 19/05/2025 16:06

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

Personally I'd do girls only OR 1:1 woth your DD.
Like a weekend in York/ bath / Edinburgh or eurostar somewhere maybe?
something like that... pick somewhere she'd like

saltinesandcoffeecups · 19/05/2025 16:10

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 15:35

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to think about these comments. I’ll think about how to talk to her about the holiday and apologise.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

my other children don’t mind going away without partners which is why I assumed she wouldn’t, but obviously that’s on me.

How is this different than the family trip you are complaining about?

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 19/05/2025 16:10

Kindly OP, that version of your family has evolved and it will never just be the 5 of you again. I’d catch up to that fact or risk your relationship with your daughter.

Indigopetal · 19/05/2025 16:11

I find it strange as well her older siblings are quite happy to leave their partners at home too. Surely the benefit of adult children is that your family gets bigger to include partners and even maybe grandchildren too at some point. I don't understand why you're still trying to hold onto this nuclear family idea when your children are well into their twenties. It seems so controlling.

Your DD could easily get married to her partner or have kids with them and she won't forget how unwelcome you've made her partner feel or how you don't consider him part of the family. Will you still be demanding she spends time on her own with just her siblings and parents if she does get married and have kids? Instead of living in the past and holding onto this idea of just "your family" maybe think about how you want your relationship with your daughter to be going forward if she does get married and have kids.

Uricon2 · 19/05/2025 16:12

I think your older children are unusual here in being happy to go away with Mum and Dad without their partners, not your daughter.

Do a girl's weekend with just your daughters as well but please don't try to recreate a mini version of the holiday you really want. It won't go down well.

aylis · 19/05/2025 16:14

This is your family growing, she considers him family. I think that's really all that matters.

Notimeforaname · 19/05/2025 16:14

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

Christ almighty. She's 25!!!!! You didn't grow apart!! She grew up! This is all normal!

Fallenoutthewardrobe · 19/05/2025 16:14

Indigopetal · 19/05/2025 16:11

I find it strange as well her older siblings are quite happy to leave their partners at home too. Surely the benefit of adult children is that your family gets bigger to include partners and even maybe grandchildren too at some point. I don't understand why you're still trying to hold onto this nuclear family idea when your children are well into their twenties. It seems so controlling.

Your DD could easily get married to her partner or have kids with them and she won't forget how unwelcome you've made her partner feel or how you don't consider him part of the family. Will you still be demanding she spends time on her own with just her siblings and parents if she does get married and have kids? Instead of living in the past and holding onto this idea of just "your family" maybe think about how you want your relationship with your daughter to be going forward if she does get married and have kids.

I’d guess the other siblings would rather bring their partners but don’t want to rock the boat or upset a highly-strung mother.

MrsMitford3 · 19/05/2025 16:14

I think you are being very unreasonable.
And missing a chance to include your DD's partner in your family holiday-and risking your DD staying away-setting a precedent for future events.

We always included partners and have a lovely relationship with them and our DC.

Families evolve and you need to be flexible and open to embracing that change!

Notimeforaname · 19/05/2025 16:14

God forbid a grown adult do what they want. You're doing what you want right? So she will too.

andweallloveclover · 19/05/2025 16:15

YABU

Family holidays 'just you' are a thing of the past now. Your DC's have grown up into adults and have lives and partnerships of their own, they are not kids anymore.

When they find partners, especially long term ones, its only natural for them to want to bring them to family days out or holidays.

While you may want to just have 'your family' on your own its unreasonable to expect it and you need to get used to the change in dynamic. Most likely, he is more her family to her now than you are. That's just the way it goes.

My eldest DD is the same age and has been with her boyfriend for the same amount of time. They live together and as far as we are concerned he is part of the family. No way would I expect her to come on a holiday without him.

Of course she is going to decline.

So either accept that she doesn't want to come, and don't create any drama over it or invite him along. Whether you like it or not they come as a pair now.

minnienono · 19/05/2025 16:18

I think it’s weird you even think grown adults want to holiday with parents and without their partners. Past education age you holiday as a group of adults and absolutely they come on their own terms. I have gone away with my DD’s just us but one night not anything that requires annual leave

Fargo79 · 19/05/2025 16:19

Your daughter sounds like she's done incredibly well to try and break away from the enmeshed, infantilising relationship you've attempted to craft (and apparently have succeeded in developing with her older siblings). Her brothers are either approaching 30 or older and they are happy to come on "family holidays" that don't involve their partners? That's not healthy.

I am entirely unsurprised that your daughter lives 7 hours away and rarely visits. Instead of trying to pressure her into doing what you want, stop treating her like a kid, accept that she's now a grown woman with her own life and adapt. You aren't supposed to be her nuclear family forever. Otherwise you will likely lose your relationship with her altogether.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/05/2025 16:21

Wow, OP, you're really not getting it, are you?

To be clear, it really isn't usual at all for nuclear families with adult children to all go on holiday together without the partners of the adult children. What will you do when grandchildren come along? Exclude them too? Or take them and leave the partners behind?

Your thinking on this seems really disordered. I mean, I suppose it's fine if all of the adult children and their respective partners are happy with the arrangement, but unsurprisingly, your youngest dc is not. For all we know, the older ones might not be that keen either, but they're reluctant to have it out with their controlling mother who hasn't quite grasped yet that they have all grown up.

Obviously, mum/daughter bonding time wouldn't involve your DH or your other kids. Do you actually want to spend time with her or have you just got some sort of hang up about reassembling your nuclear family as if the kids were all still small? What part of "your daughter doesn't want to go on a family holiday without her partner" do you not understand?

You're really at risk of damaging relationships here. It might be worth looking at getting some counselling to help you work through what is actually going on. It's almost like you're in denial of the fact that your kids have grown up and built their own lives now.

Hollietree · 19/05/2025 16:27

Reading this post makes me so thankful that my lovely In-laws treated me as family from the moment I got together with my Husband when we were 18. Twenty years later and we are still really close, despite us living further away now.

If you feel distant from your daughter now, then including her long-term partner in your family plans will bring her closer, mean you get to spend more time with her. If you exclude her partner from future invitations you will push her further away….. which I presume is the opposite of what you want!

PLHJ84 · 19/05/2025 16:27

YABU she is 25 not 15

Enko · 19/05/2025 16:27

Yabu. She is an adult in a relationship. Go without her or take partner too thats your options.

Handbagcuriosity · 19/05/2025 16:30

I thought when I started reading you were going to say she’s 15 or 16.

Have only read your updates not the full thread. I do get why you would prefer your daughter to come alone and have time just as a family. But given her age, things have changed for her and she’s probably got very different thoughts on what she would like to do on her holidays.

Neither of you are wrong as such. If he is nice and gets in with everyone. Could you have a chat with your DD, maybe agree he could come if he pays his way but tell her your feelings about why you wanted just the family there. See if she might agree to some family time or mother daughter time for bits of the holiday if her partner were to come?

That would be a good compromise. He’s a grown up so am sure he’d be fine to sit by the pool or something for an afternoon if you wanted some quality family time

Florally · 19/05/2025 16:31

My partner was always invited on family holidays, after we married and had kids we continued to include grandparents on holidays and also go with them.

Cutting him out now is really ruining the possibilities of what could be.

MarioLink · 19/05/2025 16:31

She's an adult and this is a long-term relationship. I had been with my husband (not married at that point) for that long at that age and having busy professional and social lives (well we thought we were busy pre kids!) we wanted our precious annual leave to be mostly the two of us. I did go on the odd girls weekend or very occasional week but I preferred (and still do prefer) holidays with him.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 19/05/2025 16:33

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 15:35

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to think about these comments. I’ll think about how to talk to her about the holiday and apologise.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

my other children don’t mind going away without partners which is why I assumed she wouldn’t, but obviously that’s on me.

The entire family holiday is not "mother/daughter bonding time".

As others being ok leaving partners, it depends on life stages. I wouldn't mind for example, as I do not have limited holiday days, funds etc. At 25 I did, so I would prioritise using those with my partner.

Leaving the husband and kids would be pretty ok!

You speak as though it is unusual not to have had a family holiday for a few years...with your youngest child at 25 I think it is far from unusual!

Tubs11 · 19/05/2025 16:34

YABVU, use the opportunity to get to know him better