Mum has distanced herself since I've had a baby and I'm hurt

[Armymum32]

AIBU for feeling hurt?
I've held this all in for a while now and it wasn't until I shared this with my partner today that I realised I'm sort of losing my mum.

Long story short, I've noticed over the last two months my mum's slowly distanced herself and come off as if she doesn't want me around or doesn't want to see her grandson.

Before having my baby who is 4 months old. I would always go to hers, help her out, spend my days off with her whenever my partner was away or drive her places etc. but now I'm lucky if she comes over more than once a week to see us.

When baby was born, my partner was lucky to have 4 weeks off paternity after me having an emergency C-section. And at 6 weeks my baby was discharged home. Obviously by then my partner was back at work and I was bricking it on my own. However, my mum did help me for 3 weeks which I appreciated tremendously. But in the 2nd week she made me aware she was going to limit her days helping me, which was fair, but also hard. She went from 4 days to 1 maybe 2 days a week depending on if I was having a real hard time.
Me and my partner don't currently live together as we have been waiting for a military house and are seeming to have issues. So I have my own place and live alone Mon to Fri morning. My mum lives down the road, doesn't work and hasn't since my brother was born(he's 24), she sadly doesn't have friends or hobbies. So I'd of thought she'd be over the moon more about having a grandchild.

And over the last two months I've noticed my mum just seeming to not care as much. It used to be us talking everyday, even before I was pregnant, she'd call me, even if it was just a quick call. But now I just get the odd goodnight message. She doesn't invite me over anymore either and if I ask to come over, I get told she's busy.

I feel I have to beg her to come over if I'm having a hard time as she keeps telling me "You should be used to this by now" or if I have a day where I'm really struggling(e.g week of injections), I get told I shouldn't be struggling. And it upsets me as being on your own isn't easy, especially when you have no idea what to do some days or everything is still so new at times. And I know she's not obligated to care for my baby. And I've never once thrown him at her either. But she doesn't even ask how I am anymore.
If I try coming over she tells me she's busy, has to cook my stepdads and brothers dinners or doesn't reply to me until late at night. If I don't message, I don't hear.

I've also asked her if she's ok, I've asked my brother how she is at home. He says she's fine. Mum just says nothings wrong. So I then feel I've either done something I'm not aware of. Or she just doesn't want to deal with me and my baby.

AIBU for being upset? And should I just suck it up.

This relationship sounds like it always been a bit one sided maybe? Did you always instigate things in the past but never realise?

Once I had children my relationship with my mum went down hill too and it really hurts. The lack of emotional support I was most affected by.

For me you have two options:

1. call her out and ask what’s going on (do this is a nice way to begin with)
2. ignore it all and focus on your child and hope it sorts itself etc it could be a period of adjustment so you could wait 6 months

It sounds like you have had a very tricky time.

if I read correctly, your baby was kept in hospital for a while? And if you have had to have injections etc then it sounds like it wasn’t the easiest birth and you could do with support.

on your own Monday to Friday isn’t ideal for obvious reasons. Looking after a small baby can be very tiring and very isolating at the best of times.

do you have any idea when you and partner are likely to be able to live together? Ideally it would be him offering support, both emotional and helping with baby.

it sounds like she may have got overwhelmed with the whole situation. If she was with you for four days a week and has deliberately cut down then it sounds like it has been too much for her.

are you able to get out to mum and baby groups? Do you have friends in the area that you can meet up with?

If you really think about it, were you doing all the running before now and it’s always been you making more effort with her but it’s only now that you realise?

And where’s your partner in all of this? It’s his baby too, why don’t you see him Monday to Friday? It sounds like she’s being harsh not helping you more but she did loads to start with, loads, 4 days a week is a huge commitment! And she’s right that it’s your baby and you need to find ways to cope. Preferably with your partner’s involvement and support.

So it could be a mix of factors. Her life didn’t stop because you decided to have a baby. But she may always have been a bit selfish. Both can be true at once.

Before the baby, she probably liked that your focus was on her. With the baby, the focus can’t be fully on your mum so she’s getting less out of time spent with you.

Could she be being pressured by your DF or DB wanting her at home catering to them?

Hard to say because no one knows her side of the story . I’d back off and give her some space and time .

To me it sounds like it could be a mix of things op.

It sounds like you put a lot of effort in with your mum which obviously will naturally change when you have a baby so I agree with others it might be worth reflecting on that a bit.

Equally it sounds like you've had a tough run of it the last few months and it does sound like you're isolated support-wise outside of your mum. It may be possible that she felt she was supporting you too much and might have felt that taking a step back would be better for you in the long run so you'd learn to manage or maybe its triggered something in her. I know my mum wants to have the type of granny role where she rocks up once a month and showers presents but has zero interest in anything involving nappies or baby sitting. She's done her time raising us and that's just where she's at. That can be hard to accept but I think more grandparents feel that way than is really talked about.

The thing is, you might never really find out for sure unless she tells you and right now she's saying all is grand. So I think you need to focus on what's in front of you and ways you can make things a bit easier for you. You need to involve your partner in this because even though they might not be there 5 days a week, you can't be expected to do everything alone either while they get down time after work.

Are there any mums and tots groups near you that you could join to make some more friends? Are you including your partner in a position financially to outsource some help with cleaning given that your partner is gone the majority of the week? Then could you agree set days for babysitting with your mum so that you can have an actual break to do something for yourself like go to the gym/ go meet friends etc. If your birth was traumatic or if you're experiencing post natal depression or anxiety then I would speak to your gp or better yet if there is a peri natal mental health service operating in your area. I would start by having an honest chat with your health visitor, they should be able to tell you what's available in your area and may even run some groups for mums themselves that you could join.

It's not easy op, some people find it a breeze but honestly I think the vast majority of people will have their bad days so your feelings are valid.

It sounds to me as if you had a very enmeshed level of closeness and contact before your baby was born, and that it’s in fact a much more usual amount of contact now. It also sounds as if you made a lot of the running previously, whereas now your focus is elsewhere, and you want help from her rather than vice versa.

I think your annoyance with your mom is a misplaced annoyance with your "partner". Where on earth is he??? And what was the plan when you were married - in the absence of military housing?

Fathers help is not only limited to paternity leave - and it seems that most of his leave was used up while baby was in the hospital. Why did you two used the leave this way - when you could have saved if for the time when the baby was out of the hospital?

I think your Mom is trying to get you to stand on your own feet and quickly grow up. It is a bit of "tough love", as I think she appropriately thinks that the father of the child needs to step up. And he will not, if there is an excuse of a grandmother picking up his slack.

Is she only interested in you when you make her life more interesting?
Babies come with drudgery and crying, she may wish to avoid the baby stage.
If it were me I'd want to help my DD but she doesn't sound that maternal.

Hmm it all sounds a bit codependent when you should be depending on your partner. I’m not across military family rules so maybe I’m missing something but it seems like he should be stepping up more, rather than wanting your mum to coparent with you 4 days a week, which isn’t really reasonable.

that said, it sounds like you’ve had a really rough time of it and she’s not handling it great. I do wonder why she’s not had friends, hobbies or a job for 24 years, that seems unusual and perhaps indicative of either some unhealthy dynamics or your mum’s ability to maintain relationships.

you need to have a look in your local area (and maybe military base). See what’s on and make a list, then each morning you can get up and just pick something off the list to do. Sign up to a weekly class too so you are pushed to get out the house and have a bit of a schedule and be around other mums. Your mum is being hurtful but you can’t force her to be a better mum, you can fill your time though and change things with dp so that you’re getting more of the support you need.

That's awful. Truly. I don't care what anyone says, any good mother would come help out. To blank you like that at what we know is THE most vulnerable time in a woman's life is awful and unforgivable. I don't even care what her issues are. She's your mother, this is her grandchild. I'm sorry.

I think some of you may have misread bits of this. Which is fair enough as it's long.

Not once did I mention my mum should come help me more/ come here more or co parents on behalf of my partner. I mentioned she dropped her days and that was fair. It is hard, and anyone who has dealt with a child on their own should know this. But this is more about the fact my mother is acting like she doesn't want us around and is being distant, if I contact, she acts busy. If I don't contact her, we wouldn't speak. It's also the fact her attitude is as if I'm not allowed to struggle or I'm not allowed to find having a baby hard. It's as if I'm somehow meant to master this at 2 months and after that can't reach out. No one will ever master being a parent and it doesn't matter if the baby is 2 months,4 months or 1 years old. There will be times of difficulty.

Someone has mentioned in here, that maybe she relied on me too much for things in the past and now that I have a baby, where my focus is now on them, she's not liking it.

In terms of my partner, he has a role in the military where he's away 3-6 months. Sadly we aren't living close to one another to where he's here every evening. It is rubbish, but he does his best and is amazing when home.
This all I was already aware of and was prepared for. But I should be able to reach out to my mum, even if it's just to call her or have a visit. The PND is fricking hard to navigate around at times and all you want is company or someone to turn to. My mum should be someone I should be able to turn to, especially as I don't have a lot of friends to reach out to.

Dealing with a baby during their injections is tough! And doing it on your own is challenging.
Having a parent be present and available, to then not be available, is hard. It's upsetting.
And I'd of thought she'd want me coming over every now and then for her to see her grandson, not to look after him, but to be a grandparent, to be in his life.

The last thing I want is my child growing up wondering why mummies family doesn't care or why they don't see us. It's going to be hard enough trying to explain daddy's job, let alone explain why his grandparent down the road who we could easily see doesn't want us round.

Make your own routine to suit you and baby. Make friends with other young mothers.
Try once or twice a week pushing the pram past DM's enroute to buy milk etc and pop in. Bring some biscuits and have a cup of tea.

Start a new relationship with Mum, as equals.
Include Mum sometimes inviting her for a coffee out at a local cafe with one of your new friends. Baby will be excited to see his Gran and start to recognise her. It will be sweet. Some shorter sweet visits.

I think your Mum is leaving you to become confident in mothering and confident to rely on your child's father. She knows you don't have time to drive her about now; she won't ask so every now and again invite her to one of her old favourite spots. Also make better friends with your brother and encourage him to be an active Uncle..

You can’t make someone care. Your mother has pulled back. She isn’t going to share with you why.

It is best now to focus on your baby, living together would help so much. Sign up to baby groups and classes, and start building a life without her.

She doesn’t want a close relationship, and you can’t make one happen op. You med to let go of what you thought she would be like or resentment will really kick in.

It might be that she has had enough of the care giving role, and needs to step back for herself. After decades of looking after you and your brother she might be burnt out. Accept the days she can meet, make the most of the times she can do. See how it works out. I’d focus on changing your living arrangements asap, so you have much more help and company..

I understand where you are coming from but for whatever reason she isn't into the grandparent role at the minute. In my experience you absolutely cannot change her so stop trying. Use this as the opportunity to get out there and make friends and become independent. Focus on the baby and in a few months you will be really proud of yourself and she might have changed her position or either way you will know where you stand. Stop doing the running.

I think her way of parenting currently, is “tough love”, ie you’ve got a baby, get on with it.

Not the way I would be, but she clearly doesn’t like your dependency on her. Have you ever otherwise “needed” her?

I would have a frank discussion and tell her, she may not realise that she’s actually upsetting you?

I think we underestimate the trauma a lot of women carry from the baby years. Quite a lot of mothers had an hard time with their own babies and are done by the time their children have them. They may not even realise it until the reality hits, and they suddenly feel the remnants of the deep unhappiness they felt during those years, and they just don’t want to face that again. It’s not something they chose and so they just slide away a bit (much like fathers of new mums do, but they tend not to be noticed so much as they aren’t so close before the baby).

I don’t know if this is the case for your mum, OP. But I do think we tend to have expectations about our mums when we have children of our own that aren’t necessarily fair on them and fail to consider that they may have some very complex emotions about a new baby in the family.

It does sound as though your mum has handled this poorly and is being cold and distant with you. I wonder though if she is struggling with how much support she’s had to provide and how long you’ve been struggling for. That’s not to say you shouldn’t expect support from your mum, or that you’ve asked for an unreasonable amount of support, but that doesn’t mean it’s not an amount of support she doesn’t have the capacity to provide. I also wonder if she’s feeling frustrated that she’s likely had to provide a great deal of support that a partner typically would because you’ve chosen to have a baby who can provide such limited support.

Sounds to me like your mum has already done loads to help - three weeks solidly is loads, and she wants to take a step back now and for you to be the adult and let you get on with it. And for your partner to step up and do his bit. Also she knows you have a baby and would be too busy to pop round in the way that you used to. Also perhaps she realises she doesn't have a life of her own and would actually like the chance to have friends and hobbies.

My parents lived a few hours away when we had DDs, and I certainly didn't see them once a week. My DM stayed for a week after DH went back to work but after that it was up to us - and that meant largely me when I was on maternity leave. Inlaws lived closer and we saw them maybe once a week or less.

Find some nice groups to go to so you don't feel so alone, and don't be afraid to ask your GP for help if you are struggling, and your partner should also be stepping up considerably. See your mum and just spend time together without either of you expecting help from the other.

Once a week is quite a lot of contact!

It's obvious.

The focus was on her before. Now your focus is on the baby and the baby is your primary relationship (as it should be). So now you are of no use to her.

If she sees you, the focus will of course be on the baby and not her.

I think with talking therapy you'll probably notice a pattern in your interactions. That actually you were very useful to her before in ways you hadn't noticed due to your dynamic. A sounding board, doing jobs, driving her around etc.
So she did put in the effort because she was getting something out of it. Now she isn't she's discarded you.

It's very hurtful. Everyone needs support at times. Whether that's having a baby for the first time, going through grief, divorce etc. We don't just say to our loved ones 'get on with it'. Especially your own daughter (who also has done a lot for you).

I'm so sorry OP. You don't deserve this. Get therapy and look after yourself. You're doing great xx

Have you read the thread? The father is away with the military!

It sounds like quite a lot of contact tbh! She came to help for 3 weeks now and comes over once a week?

I'm also an "army wife" but we're stationed overseas and my husband is gone for months at a time too. It's hard but you just get on with it really. I don't have my mum (or any family) close to help so I do sympathise. I do have mum friends from baby groups though.

You need to find a community and build a support network. Do you go to baby groups?

It sounds like your mum is (rightly so) giving you a bit of tough love. Kindly, you need to take charge and not rely solely on your mum. She loves you, and the baby, that’s obvious, she’s just giving you space to learn how to be a mother.