Mum has distanced herself since I've had a baby and I'm hurt

[Armymum32]

AIBU for feeling hurt?
I've held this all in for a while now and it wasn't until I shared this with my partner today that I realised I'm sort of losing my mum.

Long story short, I've noticed over the last two months my mum's slowly distanced herself and come off as if she doesn't want me around or doesn't want to see her grandson.

Before having my baby who is 4 months old. I would always go to hers, help her out, spend my days off with her whenever my partner was away or drive her places etc. but now I'm lucky if she comes over more than once a week to see us.

When baby was born, my partner was lucky to have 4 weeks off paternity after me having an emergency C-section. And at 6 weeks my baby was discharged home. Obviously by then my partner was back at work and I was bricking it on my own. However, my mum did help me for 3 weeks which I appreciated tremendously. But in the 2nd week she made me aware she was going to limit her days helping me, which was fair, but also hard. She went from 4 days to 1 maybe 2 days a week depending on if I was having a real hard time.
Me and my partner don't currently live together as we have been waiting for a military house and are seeming to have issues. So I have my own place and live alone Mon to Fri morning. My mum lives down the road, doesn't work and hasn't since my brother was born(he's 24), she sadly doesn't have friends or hobbies. So I'd of thought she'd be over the moon more about having a grandchild.

And over the last two months I've noticed my mum just seeming to not care as much. It used to be us talking everyday, even before I was pregnant, she'd call me, even if it was just a quick call. But now I just get the odd goodnight message. She doesn't invite me over anymore either and if I ask to come over, I get told she's busy.

I feel I have to beg her to come over if I'm having a hard time as she keeps telling me "You should be used to this by now" or if I have a day where I'm really struggling(e.g week of injections), I get told I shouldn't be struggling. And it upsets me as being on your own isn't easy, especially when you have no idea what to do some days or everything is still so new at times. And I know she's not obligated to care for my baby. And I've never once thrown him at her either. But she doesn't even ask how I am anymore.
If I try coming over she tells me she's busy, has to cook my stepdads and brothers dinners or doesn't reply to me until late at night. If I don't message, I don't hear.

I've also asked her if she's ok, I've asked my brother how she is at home. He says she's fine. Mum just says nothings wrong. So I then feel I've either done something I'm not aware of. Or she just doesn't want to deal with me and my baby.

AIBU for being upset? And should I just suck it up.

I hadn't read the second post as there were only 19 posts on the thread and I assumed all the relevant information was in the first post. The rest of my advice still stands. And the OP and her partner chose to have a baby in these circumstances.

Perhaps she’s thinking that you’ve relied on each other too much in te past? You’ve said that neither of you have friends, which is probably why you spent so much time with her when your partner wasn’t around.

It’s not a great time for her to start to address this, but it does seem like she’s trying tough love. You’ve twice mentioned that dealing with your baby’s injections is hard: are these routine vaccinations? Usually this isn’t a two-person job?

She hasn’t cut you off, just dropped the frequency. I think PPs’ suggestions that you build your own circle of friends is the best thing to try.

It's possible that she's upset now that you aren't doing things for her and your (understandable) focus is on the baby.

It's equally possible that she may be thinking that you are a mother now and should be standing on your own two feet more (possibly basing it on her own experiences). I wonder if this is more likely based on the fact that she was very helpful at first but made it clear that this was an arrangement that would taper off over time. It does sound as if your expectation was that she would be round 3-4 times in the week, and that's a lot to commit to if it's coming to help rather than having a less structured time sitting around chatting, going out for coffee/to the shops when you felt like it. Just because your mum doesn't work doesn't mean that she needs to give up several days per week to help you.

It's even possible that she may not like small babies very much.

It's difficult to know which of these it is without asking - but you need to be prepared for any answer.

YANBU to be upset but there’s not much you can do. Relationships change and you need to accept that your mum has stepped back - for whatever reason. Maybe it’s brought back memories of you being a baby and she struggled? You could try asking her directly why.

Now, you need to focus on building a support network. Attend local playgroups, baby classes etc. Make friends for your baby’s sake. Even if your mum wasn’t stepping back I would advise meeting other parents who are going through the same as you. They may not be forever friends but it’s really important to get a little routine where you see other people.

My situation is different but I know how feel my mother was the opposite when dd was little always wanted her there at the weekend for a night always calling me. Now my daughter gives a bit of back chat etc it’s like she doesn’t want to know us. It’s so weird and so hurtful and I really feel for my dd.

It sounds like you and your mum were quite co dependent before you had the baby. Maybe she wants to give you time to bond with baby or maybe it's jealousy you're not available to do things with her like before.
I would focus on building your own life get out to mum and baby groups and build some friendships with other young mums

Apologies if this has already been said, but I think there can be a strange time after a baby is born when family relationships are shifting and changing.

For decades your mother was in the role of ‘wife and mother’, the female centre of the family. Now, suddenly, there is a brand new baby, her own daughter is in the mother role and she has moved up a generation. It might also bring up thoughts of her own life passing and moving, inevitably, closer to death. Perhaps she is trying to give you space but perhaps there is also something going on for her.

I say give it time, but perhaps also start a deeper conversation about what it is to become a mother or grandmother.

YANBU. You poor woman. Having a new baby is hard enough, lonely and isolating without this going on.

I can’t imagine what the problem is, but on what you’ve described its down to her, not you.

You need friends and a support network. Some local libraries and children’s centres run free baby groups, story and rhyme time sessions or new parents courses, churches run baby groups where often you pay no more than a voluntary £1 or so to attend - often they’re free.

The Happity app lists baby classes going on in your area too. If you can do it, leave the house with the baby each day for a walk and some sort of group to go to - it’ll give you routine and structure and something to look forward to.

I’n sorry about your DM, but don’t let it eat away at you.

I had a similar situation with my dd. Before baby came along she was very dependent on me. Wanted to see me nearly everyday. Spent lots of time at our house. When baby came I supported her through the first month but then I felt that she really needed to stand on her own two feet and to be doing things with her baby, going to groups, classes, walks etc. she was only either at home or with me. So I took a slow step back. It was gradual. I was there if she definitely needed me but it just wasn’t healthy to have her relying on me constantly.

im wondering if this is where your mum is coming from? she might want you to become less dependant on her especially if you might be moving away?

She's your mum! Have you asked her... mum, I feel like you're a bit distant from me lately, is everything ok? That'd be a lot better than asking us randoms.

My random point of view is that you're expecting more from her than she's willing to give, and that's up to her. Disappointing yes, but ultimately her choice. You need to find a way to cope that doesn't involve relying on your mum.

This is very disappointing for you. And it is very isolating being at home all day with a small baby.
However, time moves on and babies change soooo quickly, before long they will be crawling, and you can take them to the swings at the play park - go to mum and baby groups. I think your relative's attitude could totally change when baby has it's own personality etc starts walking. DB, DGF could suddenly want to see more of him.
Just saying this as being stuck in with a tiny baby can feel suffocating but this time will pass soon. I would say get out, eg park where you might chat and meet up wiht other Mums. Don't stay home.

That sounds like a rough time, I am sorry.

It sounds like you kind of expect(ed) an open-ended amount of support based on your needs, which is not typical. What your mum has given you is typical, I think - she have more support than most women need from their own mother in those first weeks but it also sounded like you needed them for god reasons. It seems to be expected that she'd expect that to taper off.

However, you need to reach out to a family officer in the military, or a midwife, or a local charity, because you clearly need a better network. (It also sounds like you needed a better plan with your DP on how this was going to work but it's a bit late for that now.)

I think it's reasonable from your mum to not enter an open-ended care relationship based on needs resulting from an (planned) absent partner.

Good luck!

Yanbu, it is hurtful.
Congratulations on your baby.
You are going to have many posters ripping your thread apart. I think you're DM is selfish Personally, you'll get more comfortable with the baby.

I feel abit sorry for your mum, you sound quite needy/intense op, give your mum some space, 1-2 times a week is plenty of contact for most people. You need to focus on building a life for yourself and baby and to stop relying on your mum so much.

She also might just not like babies very much

“Before having my baby who is 4 months old. I would always go to hers, help her out, spend my days off with her whenever my partner was away or drive her places etc. ”

So from your DM’s point of view, pre-baby, you would help her out, drive places, and go and see her - but only when your partner was away. Perhaps she feels that she can’t come and see you because she has her DH and your DB to take care of - perhaps your stepdad has said something? Perhaps she doesn’t want you to become too dependent on her, both because you’re the parent, and because she is probably aware as the generations shift that she won’t always be there for you. I would ask her straight out - “Mum, I don’t seem to see nearly as much if you now I have my DC - is there some reason for this?” and see what she says.

Will you be moving away with your dp when housing becomes available? It sounds like she is trying not to get attached to me. Also I would get your dp to chase military housing because I’ve never known them be that slow, are you sure he doesn’t prefer living on base mon-fri?

Firstly I see youre awaiting a military home but youre not married. Were you cohabiting for a year prior as that’s the rule about being eligible for accommodation apparently? If not perhaps that’s the issue. Are you thinking of getting married? If so that may speed things along? MN always recommends women with children are married for financial security. And if it helps you get the military house you want that’s another reason.

If you do get the house will you be further away from your mum? How will that impact the number of times you see her?

Your mum told you she’d distance herself. She is. It could be because she wants you to stand on your own two feet and get on with it as that’s what she had to do. It could be that her husband thinks that and she listens to him as he rules the roost. It could be that she suffered trauma when she was a mum and cant face it with you because she’s never had counselling etc as that wasn’t around then. You won’t know until you ask her.

I would defo ask. Along the lines of we used to see each other a lot but we hardly seem to see each other now. I know you said you’d distance yourself but I miss you. Not to do stuff for me but just to talk to. Why did you decide to distance now? What’s the reason behind that so I can understand as I feel like you are still there for my stepbrother and my stepfather it’s just me whose being held at arms length and I’d like to understand what I’ve done wrong to deserve this now.

It did seem like you had an exceptionally close relationship prior. Do you work? Why didn’t she? Most people are too busy with work, socialising and gym etc to see or speak to their mum quite that much even before having children. Just wondering why you were so close. Did one of you need a lot of support? Have mental health or physical difficulties etc? Some families are close and that’s ok. But if you were very dependent on her say, maybe she just feels youve made your bed now so get on with it. Especially if a short relationship and an accidental pregnancy she or her husband dont approve of.

You’re “lucky” if you see her more than once a week? That’s still a loooot of time together.

Once a week is still a lot. She presumably does have her own life and interests.

It's a tricky one op, I can see where you're coming from.

However I think it's time you got on with it yourself (I don't mean that harshly)

Seeing your mum once a week is probably standard for most? I see mine about once a fortnight and that's enough for me.

Try getting yourself to baby groups and making some mum friends, it can be hard at first (I've been there) but you need a life away from your mum a bit.

It sounds a bit co dependent on both sides which isn't healthy as you both need your own hobbies/friends.

Congrats on your baby 👶

What about your partners family? Can they come for a week to help? (My husbands family live abroad but his mum came for 10 days when our second was born and they come any time he is away with work. My mum does the same - she visits for a week at a time as she isn’t local).

Your brother can also help? Pop over to hold the baby or make you a tea etc.

you need to let them all know you need a village - if your mum hasn’t stepped up you need to ask others (hard as that sounds!).

I totally understand that it is hard and lonely, make sure to go out to baby classes when you can.

it gets easier. I’m sorry your mam hasn’t stepped up!

My mum came with me for all my oldest child’s vaccinations as I found it really emotionally hard (obviously I womaned up over time, can’t even remember the youngest’s! But it’s hard as a first time mum) and I had a loving supportive husband living with me. I don’t think it’s odd or needy you’d want her there. I’d have an honest chat with her - being clear it’s not that you want her for childcare but you miss her and want her to be involved and yes you need her support too. It might be that she is trying not to overly interfere because she’s worried about being overbearing, as others have said?
but I also agree with pp that when your living situation is resolved and the first few months are over this will feel better even if she doesn’t step up.

Sorry you are having a tough time op.

It is, however, very early days, and I don’t think you need to be imagining a life for your child without her close etc just yet. Your baby is tiny, your mum hadn’t been distant for all of it so it can only be a very short time in the scheme of things, which means it may well be a blip and things will settle.

If truth be told , a lot of people your mum’s age find babies hard work - as, in fact, do you. They are. She may have just got worn out for a bit. She may not be calling as she feels pricked by guilt that she is worn out by it. Or she may be struggling to adjust to the shift in dynamic where she is helping you instead of you helping her; or she may in fact feel you need to develop the independence ( not saying I think so, but I did just send a Dc off to school having not helped with something I thought they needed to take responsibility for and I bet they are feeling about me right now like you do about your mum!)

I think there are lots of reasons this could be happening and none of them do I think are things that are set in stone or spell the end of your relationship, I really don’t. You have a good foundational relationship with your mum. She may just need a little space right now. I realise that does leave you casting about for support and I’m sending you as much support as anyone can send via a keyboard! Those newborn months are tough and you’re a hero doing it with your dp not about.

As a Granny with lots of Granny friends , I think your Mum may be concerned that she is expected to help with childcare more than she feels able to.
Over the years I have given my DD a LOT of support and provided childcare but there have been times I have had to say no , that doesn’t suit . Most of my friends feel the same with their grandchildren . We love them dearly but we have had our time raising children.
That might sound harsh and I am sorry that you have had a tough time .
As others have said , try to meet other Mums and babies and support each other rather than depend on your Mum who sounds like she has done a lot but for whatever reason ( and you need to ask her) she is stepping back .