Mum has distanced herself since I've had a baby and I'm hurt

[Armymum32]

AIBU for feeling hurt?
I've held this all in for a while now and it wasn't until I shared this with my partner today that I realised I'm sort of losing my mum.

Long story short, I've noticed over the last two months my mum's slowly distanced herself and come off as if she doesn't want me around or doesn't want to see her grandson.

Before having my baby who is 4 months old. I would always go to hers, help her out, spend my days off with her whenever my partner was away or drive her places etc. but now I'm lucky if she comes over more than once a week to see us.

When baby was born, my partner was lucky to have 4 weeks off paternity after me having an emergency C-section. And at 6 weeks my baby was discharged home. Obviously by then my partner was back at work and I was bricking it on my own. However, my mum did help me for 3 weeks which I appreciated tremendously. But in the 2nd week she made me aware she was going to limit her days helping me, which was fair, but also hard. She went from 4 days to 1 maybe 2 days a week depending on if I was having a real hard time.
Me and my partner don't currently live together as we have been waiting for a military house and are seeming to have issues. So I have my own place and live alone Mon to Fri morning. My mum lives down the road, doesn't work and hasn't since my brother was born(he's 24), she sadly doesn't have friends or hobbies. So I'd of thought she'd be over the moon more about having a grandchild.

And over the last two months I've noticed my mum just seeming to not care as much. It used to be us talking everyday, even before I was pregnant, she'd call me, even if it was just a quick call. But now I just get the odd goodnight message. She doesn't invite me over anymore either and if I ask to come over, I get told she's busy.

I feel I have to beg her to come over if I'm having a hard time as she keeps telling me "You should be used to this by now" or if I have a day where I'm really struggling(e.g week of injections), I get told I shouldn't be struggling. And it upsets me as being on your own isn't easy, especially when you have no idea what to do some days or everything is still so new at times. And I know she's not obligated to care for my baby. And I've never once thrown him at her either. But she doesn't even ask how I am anymore.
If I try coming over she tells me she's busy, has to cook my stepdads and brothers dinners or doesn't reply to me until late at night. If I don't message, I don't hear.

I've also asked her if she's ok, I've asked my brother how she is at home. He says she's fine. Mum just says nothings wrong. So I then feel I've either done something I'm not aware of. Or she just doesn't want to deal with me and my baby.

AIBU for being upset? And should I just suck it up.

Do you not have to be married to get MQs any more? If not would being married bump you up the list? My DH lived off camp with me and commuted in, obviously I was still on my own when he went on exercise or was deployed but he was able to be with me most of the time. Is he very far away or local? If he is local he really needs to move in with you and support you as an equal parent.

It sounds like you have stopped being useful to your mother, it's her perogative to not be an active grandmother but once your little one has grown up a bit and your time is freed up, don't forget how she has treated you when you needed her.

I raised my first two babies without a support network other than DH, it is very hard work but you can do it. If you haven't already try and get yourself out to babygroups. Near me there is armed forces charity hub and the ladies there will try and match lonely spouses up. There is also a cafe where there was always someone to talk to. There may be something like that near you.

Firstly I would emphasize how much she has helped at the most critical point in the early days. That is wonderful.
Maybe she feels scared that she will be expected to support you for years to come and maybe she did not see that as part of her life going forward.
Maybe she did not love having young children? Maybe she didn’t get much support? Maybe she feels her initial help was taken a bit for granted and that she wants to draw a line? It’s possible that her partner is against her supporting you as much as you might like?
If there is any way you could sit down and find out the truth - that would be ideal. There has been a lot written about grandparents feeling that they are expected to carry to much of the burden of childcare these days.
Few of us realise how physically and emotionally rigorous it is to have your first baby. I had help from my mum for a few days, my partner had a week’s paternity and then I was on my own. I had no maternity pay as I had been a freelancer. I joined every mothers group I could find and went to visit my nearest mate as often as I could and I LIVED on mumsnet!
In retrospect I think I was very very lonely.
All the best OP - I hope you can find out more.

When you do see your mum do you spend a lot of your time saying how hard it is when you have a baby?
when my SIL had her first baby, it used to annoy my MIL that SIL would spend of her time saying how difficult it all was, my MIL found it wearing to listen to, and she has 5 kids herself so found it too “whingy”.
I think that you’ve raised it with your mum and she’s said everything is fine means there’s not a lot more you can do at the moment. Don’t stop reaching out and asking to meet up etc - maybe take some of the conversation away from the baby.

I think it sounds like she has already helped out an awful lot, and whilst you want and would like more support, unfortunately it’s not owed.

I don’t really understand the comment about it being difficult around injections. I think this is the kind of thing you should be able to deal with on your own as a mum?

Give her a taste of her own medicine and don’t contact her. Just wait til she contacts you. If she asks why you didn’t contact her, again, taste of own medicine - “I’ve been busy”. You don’t need to worry about her - she has your brother and stepfather to look out for her. Focus on yourself and your baby.

I think you’re expecting your mum to behave like a partner tbh. And saying she doesn’t care? She’s given you an enormous amount of help. Telling you you need to get used to it isn’t mean-it is telling you that this is what parenthood is. I think you had an unusual level of contact before and maybe the fact that she’s telling you and your partner to stand on your own two feet a bit more is a bit of a shock. Some new mothers would love to have the help that she does give you. It is your baby and your decision to have a baby, please don’t think that your mother should be at your beck and call constantly.

It sounds like you are only inviting her round when you need help. Maybe she wants to see you, have a chat over a coffee, but every time you invite her round you are wanting a hand with something or help out.

Sometimes with people you need to offer the good times as well as just needing work. It maybe why she isn’t instigating phone calls, because it’s always a request for help.

Not read the full thread - apologies

Your mom has said she is okay but is she perhaps hiding that she has a health issue so as not to worry you? Your brother may also cover this up so as not to worry you.

She may also find it overwhelming/tiring helping you out. I will tell you from my own experience that it is really scary looking after someone else's baby. I got very scared at times when DGC was first born, I worried about every little thing and was often worried I'd done the wrong thing - I managed to get two DC to adulthood so you'd think it would be easy peasy but with my own daughter's child I found it really hard

Hope things get better soon

Guess that means she didn't like me as a baby then 🤣 probably why she's decided to cut me out

Your mum is probably afraid to ask you how you are in case you launch into your "how difficult my life is" narrative which just by reading your OP is draining to me. Probably comes across as emotional blackmail. Surely, you would have had a plan with your DH on how you're going to manage, just the two of you and the baby? Or did you always count your mum in your parenting plans and its now not quite working as you thought it would? Your mum is right, you should be used this new set up by now. You sound very dependant on your mother. God help your child!

You’re not a baby now.

Its not about not liking the baby itself, more just the routines and the precautions etc.

Butbthud must be a very recent development op. Just give her a breather. And I agree don’t complain too much to her how hard it is; she probably feels the weight of the fact she can’t really help enough. I know it feels like as your mum she should be there as a sounding board but even with my much younger Dc I sometimes want earplugs.

Are you always this dramatic?

You can also speak to your gp who can put you in touch with support in terms of dealing with the sense of isolation lots of new mums have.

What does she do all day when she doesn't have work, no friends, no hobbies? Presume she doesn't volunteer anywhere, doesn't garden or have similar home hobbies either? Because that sounds like she might have some mental health issues, possibly triggered by the birth of your brother? She might have found the birth/presence of your baby difficult because it reminded her of it all. I think you need to sit down with her and try to talk about it.

This is so sad, and I can completely understand why you’re upset by this.

She’s being a really shit Mum. Who tells their Daughter that they should be used to being a Mum and doing everything now?!

Did your Mum have help from your Dad when you were a baby? I wonder if she’s bitter about it, and is taking it out on you? She feels like she never had the help, so you should also suffer and see how hard it is? (Obviously I might be barking up the wrong tree).

Personally, I would message her explaining exactly how you feel (obviously in a nice way), and say how sad it’s made you etc.

I would see how she responds. If she’s a dick, I would be tempted to make no more effort with her and let her come to you. Don’t chase, and just always remember how shit she has been to you during one of the hardest times of your life.

OP I disagree with PPs who say that this is due to you expecting too much, she's just providing tough love etc. Your mum's behaviour is indeed baffling and hurtful.

I'd suggest it's a mixture of things - bit of jealousy as your focus is off her, fear of reliving the baby years, maybe overwhelm if there are worries about your brother (and where is her husband?). But that is just guessing wildly.

It sounds like you have tried to talk to her about it and been stonewalled. This being the case, I think you need to take the advice to build your own network, via baby groups etc.

Try to think long term. Things may change over years. But for now, focus on coping without her. Sorry, it's a bit shit - but it will get better.

You come across as quite needy and reliant on others, a little woe is me. May be wrong. Your mum may be jealous, as sad/crazy as it is, that your focus is understandably on your dd. Step back and focus on you and your dd.

Does jokes always go over your head?

Guess so!

I think you are reasonable to feel upset and its understandable.

Maybe your mum has a reason for acting the way she does- like some have suggested but we don't know her so can't say. Maybe give it a bit of time and then try and speak to her?

I would work on trying to get out of the house and meeting new people so you aren't so dependent on her - baby groups and baby classes can be really good for this. There will be lots of new mothers in similar situation.

Not at all, you come across as very needy and co dependant - did you not work before you had your child, why are not making your own life now without relying on your mum?

I suspect your mother is being cruel to be kind. She wants you to stand on your own two feet. It seems that your life revolved around your Mom when your partner is away but now that you have your own child you need to focus on that. Sadly you chose to have a child with someone who is going to be away a lot.This is why you are having to manage alone. I think your Mom is making it clear that she wants her own life and you need to learn how to cope on your own.

You and your partner need to start managing together. Why did he take leave when the baby was still in hospital? Exactly what is the status with the housing. Has he informed them of his change in circumstance. Surely families get some bit of priority when it comes to housing over single people who could stay in barracks.

You've clearly had a rough time OP, but as pps have mentioned upthread, I'm wondering if it's led to you relating to your mum primarily as a source of help recently? If so, she may be feeling a bit put upon right now and that she's more valued as a source of childcare than for herself. One thing that jumped out at me from your post was that you expressed your feelings about her distancing herself in terms of missing the help, not missing her as a person

Her distancing herself must be very hurtful, but I wouldn't go at this in a confrontational way or you could push her further away. Just give her space for now and try to ease up on the childcare requests as much as possible. Hope things improve.

She’s clearly in need of support and her mum is the obvious person for her to turn to.

I don’t think people should be shamed for recognising when they need support. Plenty of new mothers find the early parenting phase very tough. The whole “ did you not work“ is a bit condescending. I’ve known lots of very competent women who struggled as a new mum - actually it’s the high flyers who are often worse.

I clicked YABU by mistake, I don’t think YABU at all but I think there may be more to this.

Do you know if she’s had any traumatic experiences on her own childbirth? I’ve had a horrendous time with mine and for many years I didn’t really want to be involved or anywhere around either pregnant women or babies. It was absolutely nothing against them as I love children, but it just brought back those horrible memories to the surface and frankly I don’t want to relive them.

I have thought a lot about how I’ll react when and if my own DD has children and I’ll try to be as supportive as I can, but I’ll probably need some counselling as I really don’t feel comfortable around pregnancies. My DP has the cutest niece on earth though and I love visiting her, so I’m hoping that will help me sort of move on from my own past traumas.

There’s also the chance your mum is just a bit of a dick though, in which case I’m sorry.

Where did you get this from? My brother's alive 😅

My brother lives at home with my mum, doesn't work. Doesn't have any plans to work.
I used to in fact try and get my brother jobs so he could do stuff himself. I even helped mum out with everything on days off like shopping, cleaning, taking her to appointments, picking stuff up for her. My brother wouldn't, he wouldn't even make her a tea.

Have you had another thread on here recently? There seem to be loads of brothers living at home who won’t make tea..,