Page 6 | Mum has distanced herself since I've had a baby and I'm hurt

Armymum32 · 2025-05-18T21:54:52+00:00

AIBU for feeling hurt? I've held this all in for a while now and it wasn't until I shared this with my partner today that I realised I'm sort of losing my mum. Long story short, I've noticed over the last two months my mum's slowly distanced herself and come off as if she doesn't want me around or doesn't want to see her grandson. Before having my baby who is 4 months old. I would always go to hers, help her out, spend my days off with her whenever my partner was away or drive her places etc. but now I'm lucky if she comes over more than once a week to see us. When baby was born, my partner was lucky to have 4 weeks off paternity after me having an emergency C-section. And at 6 weeks my baby was discharged home. Obviously by then my partner was back at work and I was bricking it on my own. However, my mum did help me for 3 weeks which I appreciated tremendously. But in the 2nd week she made me aware she was going to limit her days helping me, which was fair, but also hard. She went from 4 days to 1 maybe 2 days a week depending on if I was having a real hard time. Me and my partner don't currently live together as we have been waiting for a military house and are seeming to have issues. So I have my own place and live alone Mon to Fri morning. My mum lives down the road, doesn't work and hasn't since my brother was born(he's 24), she sadly doesn't have friends or hobbies. So I'd of thought she'd be over the moon more about having a grandchild. And over the last two months I've noticed my mum just seeming to not care as much. It used to be us talking everyday, even before I was pregnant, she'd call me, even if it was just a quick call. But now I just get the odd goodnight message. She doesn't invite me over anymore either and if I ask to come over, I get told she's busy. I feel I have to beg her to come over if I'm having a hard time as she keeps telling me "You should be used to this by now" or if I have a day where I'm really struggling(e.g week of injections), I get told I shouldn't be struggling. And it upsets me as being on your own isn't easy, especially when you have no idea what to do some days or everything is still so new at times. And I know she's not obligated to care for my baby. And I've never once thrown him at her either. But she doesn't even ask how I am anymore. If I try coming over she tells me she's busy, has to cook my stepdads and brothers dinners or doesn't reply to me until late at night. If I don't message, I don't hear. I've also asked her if she's ok, I've asked my brother how she is at home. He says she's fine. Mum just says nothings wrong. So I then feel I've either done something I'm not aware of. Or she just doesn't want to deal with me and my baby. AIBU for being upset? And should I just suck it up.

Bepo77 · 19/05/2025 12:20

thepariscrimefiles · 19/05/2025 11:44

Where on earth have you got this from? OP has said that her brother lives at home with her parents.

'My mum lives down the road, doesn't work and hasn't since my brother was born(he's 24)'

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Okay, so OP’s mum doesn’t work, her son lives at home/doesn’t work, and now her daughter expects her to step in and help parent her new baby. Maybe OP’s mum has finally realized everyone needs to stand on their own two feet?

Snickersnack1 · 19/05/2025 12:24

I wonder if you mum had a hard time with your birth / when you were a baby? Could you having your own baby and seeing you go through this be bringing up some difficult stuff for her?

Also, how old is she? Is she struggling with feeling like a ‘grandmother’? What is/was her relationships with her own mother like, and is she alive / how long since she passed away?

ruethewhirl · 19/05/2025 12:29

LauraP32 · 19/05/2025 12:17

Funny isn't it.....

It's vitriolic to say you don't need to feel guilt not supporting a parent when they have a fall, but it isn't to impose tough love on a new Mum.

I think nerves have been hit. No one likes to hold the mirror up.

N.B I never said 'end of life' that has been inserted to fit a self-serving narrative. I said a fall/old age - a point where OPs Mum may feel vulnerable and want the help and support of her family. I said the OP was within her right to say 'I'm busy, I'm cooking dinner' and give her the bare minimum without the burden of guilt.

Relationships are absolutely tit-for-tac. A person would have to be incredibly entitled to the point of narcissism not to agree with that and just believe that a relationship is only there to serve the elderly parent, that a child must forever be in service to their parents no matter the relational exchange. That an adult child is only there to serve us in our old age but should otherwise stand on their own two feet when they hit a challenging part of life.

The newborn stage doesn't last. It comes and it goes. It's a stage. The OP needs support during a temporary period of time. We don't live in the newborn stage long term. We experience it for circa 6months. Tough love is ridiculous. Its just abandoning someone when they're in the thick of it, when this stage ends what will the OP have learnt that warrants a tough love approach, other than she can't seek support from her Mum.

Sure, times may change - one person needs something more at one stage of life than another. But if one person simply takes and isn't there for you when you are having a rough time - then it's a toxic relationship. Plain and simple.

We don't get to define what someone else should experience as tough. For some people it's motherhood, for others it's a divorce, for someone else it's a job loss. We don't get to say - what people should or should not feel. The OP is struggling with motherhood. She's openly admitted that to her Mum and this is the time her Mum has chosen to back away. So ok, fine, she gets to back away but that will absolutely have long term consequences for the future of their relationship. Anything else the OP would just be a doormat to her mother.

No nerves hit here. I simply disagree with you.

Snickersnack1 · 19/05/2025 12:29

Also, could your mum be worried / preoccupied by something else going on at home and doesn’t want to burden you by telling you what it is?

Time for a mother / daughter heart to heart I think.
But! Don’t make the conversation all about you and what you feel and what you want and need.
Ask how she is, how she’s finding grandparenting, what other things are happening in her life right now apart from you and the baby. How is her health? How are her friendships and family relationships? Is there anything on her mind?

FrankyGoesToBollywood · 19/05/2025 12:29

I couldn’t stand by and watch a loved one suffer and struggle and decide that’s the point I’d distance myself. Your mum should be ashamed of herself. She doesn’t even check in on you? If I knew a friend were alone and struggling I’d be worried and want to help, never mind my own daughter.

FrankyGoesToBollywood · 19/05/2025 12:31

@Snickersnack1The OP is struggling with a newborn and PND. I doubt she has the headspace to do a deep dive into how her own mother is finding grandparenting. When a woman has her first baby it’s probably the most vulnerable time in their life, they need support from others.

LauraP32 · 19/05/2025 12:39

ruethewhirl · 19/05/2025 11:17

Mothers are not obliged to sacrifice everything in their lives for their children, especially not adult children. And I strongly suspect you will feel differently about what you said in your vindictive final paragraph when you're older yourself. It's reasonable for people to expect some help from family, but it's also reasonable for people to have boundaries and say no from time to time.

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Of course they aren't. But what is her Mum sacrificing here exactly? Do you understand the word sacrifice? What is she 'sacrificing' by showing up to a doctors appointment to give a new nervous Mum a bit of a hug during a baby's first injection, or even dropping a text, 'how did it go today love?'.

What is she sacrificing by going round for a cuppa? Or calling her daughter to ask how she's getting on?

Please tell me what she is SACRIFICING?

I won't feel differently. I don't need to. My Mum shows up for me. She always has, she always will. She will always be my safe port in the storm and in turn I will be there for her until the bitter end. I was raised that way and that's how I will be with my own DC. For sure, I'm not going to e.g 'sacrifice' my career so that I can be their personal nanny (nor do I have any desire for my Mum to do that for me. I always just want my Mum to be happy. I love that she loves her job and that she has a thriving social life during her retirement years).

I'm not going to put my entire life on hold so I can perpetually be on speed dial to my adult children. But I will be there when they're going through something. I will make the phone calls, I will turn up with the lasagne. I will say - you go and have a bath dear, have a little sleep, I'll watch the baby. I will make decisions based on the people I prioritise and those decisions will be based on who really matters to me in the end.

That's how a healthy loving relationship works.

It's reasonable for both parties in a relationship to expect a level of love and support during difficult times. Not for one party to start spouting boundaries and tough love and then be appalled when it comes back at them when they face something difficult.

Snickersnack1 · 19/05/2025 12:40

FrankyGoesToBollywood · 19/05/2025 12:31

@Snickersnack1The OP is struggling with a newborn and PND. I doubt she has the headspace to do a deep dive into how her own mother is finding grandparenting. When a woman has her first baby it’s probably the most vulnerable time in their life, they need support from others.

Well that’s fine, if she doesn’t feel able to then she doesn’t have to do it.

I’m just saying there could be more to the story and OP may need to give her mother some space to share that, as even though parenting the new baby is all-consuming for her, there is other stuff going on.
Not to scare the OP, but my friend’s mum found out she had cancer a few weeks before my friend gave birth, and didn’t tell her because she didn’t want to spoil her happy time. Friend also developed PND and so then her mum didn’t want to add to her troubles.
She only told my friend after she had already started radiotherapy and it had started working. My friend was cross that she hadn’t told her sooner, but I can understand why she didn’t.
I’m not suggesting OPs mum is ill, but my point is that you never know what somebody else going through.

IberianBlackout · 19/05/2025 12:42

Armymum32 · 19/05/2025 10:44

Where did you get this from? My brother's alive 😅

My brother lives at home with my mum, doesn't work. Doesn't have any plans to work.
I used to in fact try and get my brother jobs so he could do stuff himself. I even helped mum out with everything on days off like shopping, cleaning, taking her to appointments, picking stuff up for her. My brother wouldn't, he wouldn't even make her a tea.

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I used to even go clean my brother’s flat when he was at uni and it did nothing to make my mum’s relationship better with me, if anything it just made her treat me a bit like a on call Cinderella to scrub every floor for her and her favourite child.

Babyboomtastic · 19/05/2025 12:53

Snickersnack1 · 19/05/2025 12:40

Well that’s fine, if she doesn’t feel able to then she doesn’t have to do it.

I’m just saying there could be more to the story and OP may need to give her mother some space to share that, as even though parenting the new baby is all-consuming for her, there is other stuff going on.
Not to scare the OP, but my friend’s mum found out she had cancer a few weeks before my friend gave birth, and didn’t tell her because she didn’t want to spoil her happy time. Friend also developed PND and so then her mum didn’t want to add to her troubles.
She only told my friend after she had already started radiotherapy and it had started working. My friend was cross that she hadn’t told her sooner, but I can understand why she didn’t.
I’m not suggesting OPs mum is ill, but my point is that you never know what somebody else going through.

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I had wondered something similar tbh. Not in terms of specifics, but maybe there's a health issue or other stress that her mum is going through and she doesn't want to burden the OP with it.

Ultimately the OP needs to talk to her mum. Not in a 'why aren't you supporting me more ' way but finding out why she seems to be backing away from their relationship. As much as possible leave the baby out of it.

She may get like she's maxed out for now on being everyone's support human with your brother being as he is as well. Or maybe there are things that make her anxious about looking after your baby. Maybe she found it very hard with her babies and it's brought back bad memories. Or to the contrary, she didn't need any support and isn't thinking of it from your perspective.

IberianBlackout · 19/05/2025 12:55

I have skimmed through the comments and the idea that anyone would feel it necessary (especially their own mother!) to exert “tough love” on a new mother is absolutely mind boggling. It’s arguably the hardest, most fragile and vulnerable time in a woman’s life, tough love can wait a few months.

Original poster

Armymum32 · 19/05/2025 13:21

A lot of you have jumped the gun a bit.

I can agree that maybe I expected my mum to be more present, not in the way of looking after my baby. But to be in my life and be someone I could reach out to freely. I've grown up helping her, not once complained, paying for things she buys, e.g she sometimes buys me milk, bread or things like that when I haven't asked for it and even if it's things I didn't ask for, I pay her back. This is because she doesn't work and I don't want her missing out. I've also watched my brother not help, not chip in etc.
I try my best to not say to her I'm having a hard time. I do invite her out for walks, to the beach or town. But sadly she says no.

So yes, maybe I had an expectation that something was going to be returned. But I was wrong to think this way.

A couple of you asked why I mentioned injections. This is an example of when I've really struggled with my baby. I've not exactly been taught how to deal with certain things. (No one does as it's a learning curve). The injection times have been the most tricky for me because your baby changes briefly, they don't sleep, don't take their feeds, come off a bit detached on the first day to the point its as if you were the one giving them the injection. So yes, I had wished for my mum to help me during those times. Not 24/7, not a lot. Maybe just a couple of hours one day?.
Even when I have reached out to her asking if "Is this normal" during that period, she'd reply back so bluntly that it'll make me feel as if I'm worrying too much, or that it's weak to be finding it hard.

As I've said in other posts, no one ever masters having a child. I know I put myself in this situation, I'm not asking for people to say boo hoo you. I'm generally expressing how hurt I'm feeling...
And just to say AGAIN, I've never expected someone to look after my baby. But surely I should be able to reach out to my mum , even if it's just asking to be joined on a walk or go for lunch.

But hey, I know what to do now. Some of you have given me amazing advice and I'm very grateful, so thank you.
First step is sorting out my PND, then trying some baby groups. Thanks again

OP posts:

ruethewhirl · 19/05/2025 13:34

LauraP32 · 19/05/2025 12:39

Of course they aren't. But what is her Mum sacrificing here exactly? Do you understand the word sacrifice? What is she 'sacrificing' by showing up to a doctors appointment to give a new nervous Mum a bit of a hug during a baby's first injection, or even dropping a text, 'how did it go today love?'.

What is she sacrificing by going round for a cuppa? Or calling her daughter to ask how she's getting on?

Please tell me what she is SACRIFICING?

I won't feel differently. I don't need to. My Mum shows up for me. She always has, she always will. She will always be my safe port in the storm and in turn I will be there for her until the bitter end. I was raised that way and that's how I will be with my own DC. For sure, I'm not going to e.g 'sacrifice' my career so that I can be their personal nanny (nor do I have any desire for my Mum to do that for me. I always just want my Mum to be happy. I love that she loves her job and that she has a thriving social life during her retirement years).

I'm not going to put my entire life on hold so I can perpetually be on speed dial to my adult children. But I will be there when they're going through something. I will make the phone calls, I will turn up with the lasagne. I will say - you go and have a bath dear, have a little sleep, I'll watch the baby. I will make decisions based on the people I prioritise and those decisions will be based on who really matters to me in the end.

That's how a healthy loving relationship works.

It's reasonable for both parties in a relationship to expect a level of love and support during difficult times. Not for one party to start spouting boundaries and tough love and then be appalled when it comes back at them when they face something difficult.

Show quote history

What if, when they’re going through something, you’re going through something too and are literally not able to help them?

LushLemonTart · 19/05/2025 13:40

Armymum32 · 19/05/2025 13:21

A lot of you have jumped the gun a bit.

I can agree that maybe I expected my mum to be more present, not in the way of looking after my baby. But to be in my life and be someone I could reach out to freely. I've grown up helping her, not once complained, paying for things she buys, e.g she sometimes buys me milk, bread or things like that when I haven't asked for it and even if it's things I didn't ask for, I pay her back. This is because she doesn't work and I don't want her missing out. I've also watched my brother not help, not chip in etc.
I try my best to not say to her I'm having a hard time. I do invite her out for walks, to the beach or town. But sadly she says no.

So yes, maybe I had an expectation that something was going to be returned. But I was wrong to think this way.

A couple of you asked why I mentioned injections. This is an example of when I've really struggled with my baby. I've not exactly been taught how to deal with certain things. (No one does as it's a learning curve). The injection times have been the most tricky for me because your baby changes briefly, they don't sleep, don't take their feeds, come off a bit detached on the first day to the point its as if you were the one giving them the injection. So yes, I had wished for my mum to help me during those times. Not 24/7, not a lot. Maybe just a couple of hours one day?.
Even when I have reached out to her asking if "Is this normal" during that period, she'd reply back so bluntly that it'll make me feel as if I'm worrying too much, or that it's weak to be finding it hard.

As I've said in other posts, no one ever masters having a child. I know I put myself in this situation, I'm not asking for people to say boo hoo you. I'm generally expressing how hurt I'm feeling...
And just to say AGAIN, I've never expected someone to look after my baby. But surely I should be able to reach out to my mum , even if it's just asking to be joined on a walk or go for lunch.

But hey, I know what to do now. Some of you have given me amazing advice and I'm very grateful, so thank you.
First step is sorting out my PND, then trying some baby groups. Thanks again

I pmed you pet.

Fallenoutthewardrobe · 19/05/2025 14:59

LauraP32 · 19/05/2025 12:17

Funny isn't it.....

It's vitriolic to say you don't need to feel guilt not supporting a parent when they have a fall, but it isn't to impose tough love on a new Mum.

I think nerves have been hit. No one likes to hold the mirror up.

N.B I never said 'end of life' that has been inserted to fit a self-serving narrative. I said a fall/old age - a point where OPs Mum may feel vulnerable and want the help and support of her family. I said the OP was within her right to say 'I'm busy, I'm cooking dinner' and give her the bare minimum without the burden of guilt.

Relationships are absolutely tit-for-tac. A person would have to be incredibly entitled to the point of narcissism not to agree with that and just believe that a relationship is only there to serve the elderly parent, that a child must forever be in service to their parents no matter the relational exchange. That an adult child is only there to serve us in our old age but should otherwise stand on their own two feet when they hit a challenging part of life.

The newborn stage doesn't last. It comes and it goes. It's a stage. The OP needs support during a temporary period of time. We don't live in the newborn stage long term. We experience it for circa 6months. Tough love is ridiculous. Its just abandoning someone when they're in the thick of it, when this stage ends what will the OP have learnt that warrants a tough love approach, other than she can't seek support from her Mum.

Sure, times may change - one person needs something more at one stage of life than another. But if one person simply takes and isn't there for you when you are having a rough time - then it's a toxic relationship. Plain and simple.

We don't get to define what someone else should experience as tough. For some people it's motherhood, for others it's a divorce, for someone else it's a job loss. We don't get to say - what people should or should not feel. The OP is struggling with motherhood. She's openly admitted that to her Mum and this is the time her Mum has chosen to back away. So ok, fine, she gets to back away but that will absolutely have long term consequences for the future of their relationship. Anything else the OP would just be a doormat to her mother.

The newborn stage might be temporary, but it entirely depends on the family how long the require or take help for. My brother has been taking a huge amount of family support for 3 years. Similar to OP my parents don’t get invited round for a fun day out, or Sunday dinner, but they are there week in week out providing dinners, baby sitting and nursery pick ups. Maybe the OP mum wants a relationship based on the fun stuff not work.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 19/05/2025 18:38

If you are still here OP, I enjoy mumsnet but I wouldn't reccomend it to a depressed new mum. You'll find when you go to playgroups that many grandmothers do regular childcare and wouldn't dream of saying what your DM has said. Most people in the real world believe that if you recieve help from someone you pay it forward. She was happy to take from you, morally she should help you out, especially if she recieved help from family when you were little. She doesn't have to, but if she doesn't you are under no obligation to help her when your little one is older and she wants you to make up for her lack of social life or take her shopping etc.

Lifeofryan · 19/05/2025 22:20

The injection times have been the most tricky for me because your baby changes briefly, they don't sleep, don't take their feeds, come off a bit detached on the first day to the point its as if you were the one giving them the injection. So yes, I had wished for my mum to help me during those times. Not 24/7, not a lot. Maybe just a couple of hours one day?.
Even when I have reached out to her asking if "Is this normal" during that period, she'd reply back so bluntly that it'll make me feel as if I'm worrying too much, or that it's weak to be finding it hard.

You can ask these sort of questions from your HV.