Mum has distanced herself since I've had a baby and I'm hurt

[Armymum32]

AIBU for feeling hurt?
I've held this all in for a while now and it wasn't until I shared this with my partner today that I realised I'm sort of losing my mum.

Long story short, I've noticed over the last two months my mum's slowly distanced herself and come off as if she doesn't want me around or doesn't want to see her grandson.

Before having my baby who is 4 months old. I would always go to hers, help her out, spend my days off with her whenever my partner was away or drive her places etc. but now I'm lucky if she comes over more than once a week to see us.

When baby was born, my partner was lucky to have 4 weeks off paternity after me having an emergency C-section. And at 6 weeks my baby was discharged home. Obviously by then my partner was back at work and I was bricking it on my own. However, my mum did help me for 3 weeks which I appreciated tremendously. But in the 2nd week she made me aware she was going to limit her days helping me, which was fair, but also hard. She went from 4 days to 1 maybe 2 days a week depending on if I was having a real hard time.
Me and my partner don't currently live together as we have been waiting for a military house and are seeming to have issues. So I have my own place and live alone Mon to Fri morning. My mum lives down the road, doesn't work and hasn't since my brother was born(he's 24), she sadly doesn't have friends or hobbies. So I'd of thought she'd be over the moon more about having a grandchild.

And over the last two months I've noticed my mum just seeming to not care as much. It used to be us talking everyday, even before I was pregnant, she'd call me, even if it was just a quick call. But now I just get the odd goodnight message. She doesn't invite me over anymore either and if I ask to come over, I get told she's busy.

I feel I have to beg her to come over if I'm having a hard time as she keeps telling me "You should be used to this by now" or if I have a day where I'm really struggling(e.g week of injections), I get told I shouldn't be struggling. And it upsets me as being on your own isn't easy, especially when you have no idea what to do some days or everything is still so new at times. And I know she's not obligated to care for my baby. And I've never once thrown him at her either. But she doesn't even ask how I am anymore.
If I try coming over she tells me she's busy, has to cook my stepdads and brothers dinners or doesn't reply to me until late at night. If I don't message, I don't hear.

I've also asked her if she's ok, I've asked my brother how she is at home. He says she's fine. Mum just says nothings wrong. So I then feel I've either done something I'm not aware of. Or she just doesn't want to deal with me and my baby.

AIBU for being upset? And should I just suck it up.

Are there any baby groups near you, OP? You'd find parents in a similar situation and could offload and get support from them. For whatever reason, your mum finds once a week enough and doesn't want to be always available to you at the moment.

My DM did this. It boiled down to (1) she didn't actually like children that much (2) she didn't like the fact she wasn't the centre of my world any more. Honestly it was extremely hurtful at the time, but DH and I got used to it.

Do what you need to do to focus on your growing family. Get help for the PND. Get out to some baby groups. Try and plan to do something, even if it is just going out for a walk to a park, for a minimum of 30 mins a day. Make an effort to call your friends. 4 months from memory is the hard part, it gets easier from now on in, although you will have teething to get through. And focus on enjoying tiddler. DMs take up a lot of headspace and you need to reprioritise and leave your DM to it. She is an adult who can make her own choices. You might not like them, but they are hers to make and she is voting with her feet.

Instead of dwelling on it, try and use this time in your life to decide what sort of Mum you want to be ... and most of all try and enjoy it. You will look back at this stage and realise it goes very quickly.

Slightly different, but I've met some mums if teenage mums who act a bit like this. I've figured out that it often comes from mums who had some sort of traumatic time when they became mothers themselves. Actually, I have an aunt a bit like this about her grandkids. She's my mum's cousin and her mum was like that to her so it seems like she has adopted some of her mother's values even though it meant she struggled as a single mum. She won't ever have her grandkids, especially for her daughter to do something social.

I have one other feed which isn't even related to this. Otherwise nope :)

There are potentially a lot of reasons for her behaviour. It might be about her in terms of grandmotherhood has brought up some issues from her or your childhood. It could be that as others have pointed out, you used to help her a lot and she has found helping you so much in the first few weeks to be exhausting and has decided to set some boundaries about the level of support she can offer. Once a week is quite a lot to see a parent but you are clearly used to more than that. So this is a resetting. All you can do is make the best of it. You can explain how you feel, it sounds like she may not be receptive but you can try, or explore options for time together that aren't about her helping you with the baby e.g. you go for a coffee together on weekends without the baby. But I think the most important thing is to rest your expectations and focus on what you can do to get support in other ways and from other people.

I think op, your mum might feel like when she goes to help you it means you aren't learning how to be a parent on your own.

In those three weeks how did you mum help you? If she did a lot, maybe she feels like you aren't really learning to cope alone if you keep depending on her.

Honestly op, it's best if you just accept that you are parenting on your own and just get on with it. I also had a C-section and once my husband went back to work I was alone. He worked away Monday to Friday also and my mum lived quite far away so I didn't have any local support. I found it easier just accepting it was all on me and things would get easier. Your baby is 4 months, soon they will be sleeping though the night and things will become easier.

Maybe once your mum sees that you are coping on your own she may be more willing to visit more etc.

Maybe you should ask why she's backing away? Honestly one day a week is pretty good for visits.

OP, you'll never get the sympathy here. It's always a competition of 'I had it harder'.

I think it's incredibly hurtful of your Mum and I think what you need to recognise is - when people show you who they are, believe them.

If she's trying to give you a dose of tough love - it's hugely misplaced. No one benefits from 'tough' love with a newborn.

I couldn't move for having family surrounding me during the newborn stage - I've never needed them more either. It's not just having a baby - your entire life has changed. It can be the most isolating time of your life. My Mum and I have a tricky relationship, she's domineering/a control freak and I'm hugely independent. We argue alot. She dropped everything, her entire life when I had my first DC. I've never appreciated or needed her more.

You're Mum is doing what she's doing and for that, she's shown her true colours. I can't imagine a world where I push my DD away at that stage in her life.

Pull back. Don't message. I'm telling you right now, that while she sits there basking in her moral high ground of 'my daugher has got to learn', she won't like it when you do branch out and go it alone. I'd bet she'd have a right stink on if pics appeared of you out with the baby with your partners Mum.....

Get yourself into a baby group (multiple baby groups if you can) - build a village. Put yourself out there. If possibly maybe do reach out to your partners family? Perhaps MIl would love to be involved?

And you know what - remember this time when your Mum has a fall, when old age hits, when she's vulnerable and alone and wants her family.....because you'll be able to - guilt free - put in the bare minimum and tell her you're busy and that you've dinner to cook when she needs you. You'll be able to say, 'it's too much for me Mum, you need to help yourself'.

That's so sad.

I think you need to find your own family. Yours sounds dismal sorry. Good friends can be amazing. This can take time but when you really click they're like sisters (or brothers) Do you have friends? I didn't have many when ds1 was a baby. It would have been very lonely without dps dm and sisters. Plus I was going to church then and had support there. I had friends but not as close as now. If you have no one that's really lonely.

Have you spoken to your HV? You need to be open and honest as your mh will really suffer.

Your dm is shit. Sounds like she hasn't been that great with db either as he has no motivation.

Start making a life for yourself. Any baby groups nearby?

Hopefully you get military housed asap?

And you know what - remember this time when your Mum has a fall, when old age hits, when she's vulnerable and alone and wants her family.....because you'll be able to - guilt free - put in the bare minimum and tell her you're busy and that you've dinner to cook when she needs you. You'll be able to say, 'it's too much for me Mum, you need to help yourself'.

Totally agree @LauraP32

In all honesty oP is at a stage of her life where her mum might reasonably want her to be standing on her own two feet.

I’m with you in that I had a lot of support from my mum at that time and absolutely valued it. But I don’t think old age and “ you need to help yourself” is necessarily a reasonable analogy. It is necessary to move from the newborn phase to fully functioning parent. End of life is a whole other game and that sounded a bit vitriolic.

Mothers are not obliged to sacrifice everything in their lives for their children, especially not adult children. And I strongly suspect you will feel differently about what you said in your vindictive final paragraph when you're older yourself. It's reasonable for people to expect some help from family, but it's also reasonable for people to have boundaries and say no from time to time.

I presume if mothers want to leave their inheritance to the local cats home there will be no AiBU on here about it

My parents don't need to help me for me to help them but nothing surprises on here these days

Completely agree. Some people on MN do seem to view caring for one's elderly parents (or not doing so) in a very transactional and tit-for-tat way.

@Renabrook my dm is dead. She left enough to pay for her funeral but that was accidental rather than planned. She wasn't a babysitter etc. But she did visit and was there if needed her.
I always encouraged dpils to spend their money. Dmil is in a home the best available. Most of her money will go on that. Worth every penny.

I was a 'military mum' with a newborn and no help whatsoever, and had PND and it was tough so I get it (I think my Mum came to visit for one weekend when my firstborn was a month old, that was it).
But, you DO have to rely on your own skills, and whatever her reasons for withdrawing, whether it's because she feels 'tough love' is necessary, or she's just not into helping, or is too knackered, seeking out your own support system that doesn't depend on nearby family is essential .
In all likelihood you will move around, and finding mum friends, baby groups, social networks that take the edge off in the day, makes it far easier to cope with the long evenings and weeks when you partner is away..it really does.
Speak to your health visitor.. or just google what's on in your area, there will be baby groups. baby sensory and the like and it's a great way to get involved.

But also...talk to your Mum; I'm a mum to my adult children and if they were upset with me I'd want them to talk to me about it. Have a grown up, non accusatory conversation :)

( I can't imagine doing that myself, I look after my grandkids and was at the birth for my latest, but that kind of makes me think she must have a reason for withdrawing if you were close before)

PS ..it does get easier :)

Where on earth have you got this from? OP has said that her brother lives at home with her parents.

'My mum lives down the road, doesn't work and hasn't since my brother was born(he's 24)'

OP's mum seems to have no problem supporting OP's 24 year old brother and not expecting anything from him:

'My brother lives at home with my mum, doesn't work. Doesn't have any plans to work.
I used to in fact try and get my brother jobs so he could do stuff himself. I even helped mum out with everything on days off like shopping, cleaning, taking her to appointments, picking stuff up for her. My brother wouldn't, he wouldn't even make her a tea.'

OP hasn't threatened to refuse to help her mum as she gets older as payback for her mum pulling back quite significantly when OP needs her. However, her mum does seem to have a double standard regarding what she expects from OP and her brother.

Oh bless you. It's hard when you have a little one and your family just doesn't react in the way you expected to. Especially when you see others with apparently close intergenerational relationships.

It sounds as if you are quite different from your family. You used to visit to help your mum, so you expected she would do the same for you. But she's different. She doesn't work (and neither does your brother) whereas you are moving on with your life. They may find that hard to accept. They liked having you to rely on, and now they are struggling to adjust, so prefer to stick to what they know.

My mum also didn't respond in the ways I'd hoped when I had little ones. She loved the idea of them, but then couldn't seem to wait to escape once we met up. It took several years to realize she had developed dementia and was struggling to cope with change. And my dh worked away a lot, but I'd only just moved to this area and hadn't made friends yet.

It was a lonely time. Mums net saved my sanity. I 'met up' with other mums here, laughed, gossipped, got advice and really relied on it till I'd built up a new network of friends and activities. It took longer than I hoped and wasn't easy, but it got easier as time went by.

So hang on in there. My advice would be to expect nothing from your mum. Anything she does then is a bonus, but not to be relied on. Bre your own best friend, when your partner is not there. Love your little one. Become a team together. Go to baby groups, go for long walks,v explore new places and you will find new friends, new people, new interests, which build you up and help you. And keep Mumsnetting!

Best of luck

Reading this an outsider it sounds like you have traditional gender roles in your parents family. Your mum is probably wanting to avoid a situation where she is providing lots of care for current and subsequent grandchildren. I'm not sure of the motivations- maybe it's just not what she had and she thinks you need to. Regardless its your path to forge- I think you need a network of mum friends in the mix.

I completely agree it's a bit cold - best advise I can give is that it's easier to accept things and people as they are than wish them to be different, and that relationships with parents change as you get older as you just see them more as the flawed people that they are.

I think if you step back with your mum you will see what she is willing to offer- you will probably find that she does want you to need her but she also wants to be able to say no sometimes - that's going to be very confusing so perhaps agree things on a time limited basis so you aren't left hanging and neither does she sign up to things she then finds she can't keep up and has to drop.

Maybe your Mum is struggling/ depressed?

I think once a week is fine. I understand it’s less than before, but a whole lot of things have changed since you used to see her more.

I’d focus on getting support, building networks and friendships with other mums

huge hugs. I had pnd with my first and it was the hardest thing I have gone through. It will get easier and we are here X

Fair comment.

Am I reading correctly that you do see your mum once a week?

If that is correct then I think you’re maybe being slightly unreasonable in thinking that isn’t enough, and in expecting more than that it does come across that you want your mum to act as a co-parent rather than a grandparent and maybe that is the issue she has?

Weekday I agree with much of your sentiment, please NEVER tell a woman with a tiny baby that her baby will 'soon' begin sleeping through the night. The vast majority won't for a long time, it gives unrealistic expectations, it's means women don't say up support for themselves because they think it's v temporary, and then many start to doubt themselves when it doesn't happen. For most, sleeping through somewhere between 9m-3 years is more realistic. Not 4m, when sleep often gets worse, not better.

YANBU. For some people seeing their mum once a week is loads but when OP’s mum lives nearby and they have been used to seeing each other much more than that there’s a clear change, and at a time when OP needs her mum more than ever that seems cruel and intentional. I don’t think it’s even about getting practical help, it sounds as if she just doesn’t care. That’s the issue, no emotional support or investment from her.

FWIW I had similar with my own mum. She was amazing when DD was first born and about six months in stepped back completely. It was a complete 180. That was years ago and I have accepted she doesn’t want to be actively involved but it’s changed our relationship. She said to me not so long ago that at her age she doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to and that she thinks it’s ok to be selfish now. I thought well yes it is but it has consequences and the consequences are I feel differently now and relationships with me and her DGC will be different. She is ok with that, so I have to accept it, although it’s sad - mainly for her really.

Funny isn't it.....

It's vitriolic to say you don't need to feel guilt not supporting a parent when they have a fall, but it isn't to impose tough love on a new Mum.

I think nerves have been hit. No one likes to hold the mirror up.

N.B I never said 'end of life' that has been inserted to fit a self-serving narrative. I said a fall/old age - a point where OPs Mum may feel vulnerable and want the help and support of her family. I said the OP was within her right to say 'I'm busy, I'm cooking dinner' and give her the bare minimum without the burden of guilt.

Relationships are absolutely tit-for-tac. A person would have to be incredibly entitled to the point of narcissism not to agree with that and just believe that a relationship is only there to serve the elderly parent, that a child must forever be in service to their parents no matter the relational exchange. That an adult child is only there to serve us in our old age but should otherwise stand on their own two feet when they hit a challenging part of life.

The newborn stage doesn't last. It comes and it goes. It's a stage. The OP needs support during a temporary period of time. We don't live in the newborn stage long term. We experience it for circa 6months. Tough love is ridiculous. Its just abandoning someone when they're in the thick of it, when this stage ends what will the OP have learnt that warrants a tough love approach, other than she can't seek support from her Mum.

Sure, times may change - one person needs something more at one stage of life than another. But if one person simply takes and isn't there for you when you are having a rough time - then it's a toxic relationship. Plain and simple.

We don't get to define what someone else should experience as tough. For some people it's motherhood, for others it's a divorce, for someone else it's a job loss. We don't get to say - what people should or should not feel. The OP is struggling with motherhood. She's openly admitted that to her Mum and this is the time her Mum has chosen to back away. So ok, fine, she gets to back away but that will absolutely have long term consequences for the future of their relationship. Anything else the OP would just be a doormat to her mother.