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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stop me from losing my shit on FB... (disability/pub/dementia)

177 replies

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/05/2025 18:13

I am really trying to sit on my hands and as I am here, clearly failing.

My Dad is currently in hospital. He is 84 and over the last few weeks has had a few short seizures (falling over, losing control, then coming round and lucid and aware very quickly) recently, two of them in his local pub.

The current situation is that the hospital suspect epilepsy related to dementia, and think he may regain some degree of awareness/lucidity/sense and come out of hospital (though not to his own home I suspect).

For the last two/three weeks, he's been taken to his local by my sister, as he no longer drives. He had a seizure at the pub a couple of weeks back - hospital - sent home, seemed ok... (hasn't driven since about a week before that though, will not drive again, car removed etc).

He was in the pub again on Wednesday, with my sister, and had another seizure. He came round and the ambulance call was cancelled and they advised her to drive him in, so she did.

He then had another seizure at the hospital and this time they've kept him in.

Today my sisters gone back to the pub to catch up with friends of hers and his - he/they have been going there forever, since he was in his 20s and since us kids were 3/4 years old... we've known the owners, and every tenant landlord for decades (to make it clear this is not some random pub).

The current landlord has taken it upon himself to tell my sister 'we're not equipped for people having medical incidents here, don't bring him again' - after overhearing her say that he's not going to be living by himself again, or driving again, or going anywhere alone.

Now I could understand banning him for being a rude, cantankerous old goat, or a bit of an arsehole, he is/was all of those things.

But surely you cannot ban someone from a pub because they might have a medical crisis, whilst supervised by another adult.

Does that mean all disabled people are banned, everyone with an underlying health condition is banned - surely that is not ok.

No one is expecting the pub to look after him, we never have, no more than they look after the people who go there and get falling down drunk, or in floods of tears because their dog/horse/wife died/left them...

I do understand that seeing someone have a fit is pretty traumatic... but if you want to work in hospitality and run a pub, you're going to see humans being humans, surely!

I really am fucking angry - the chances are he is going into a home and at BEST we may be able to take him out for an hour or two, it would be brilliant if he could go somewhere thats part of his routine, where he's familiar with the building and theres people he knows - and now that's been taken away.

I am also fucking furious that the landlord decided to tell my sister this TODAY when he knew she was straight there from the hospital feeling pretty upset about Dad and whats happened - it's pretty much removed the one thing she was clinging to that might be close to 'normal'.

AIBU? Is this actually ok?

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 18/05/2025 18:20

YANBU If it have been me I'd have told him exactly what I thought of that statement the prick. What an absolute arse.

Not a single mention "oh how's he doing, a customer of so many years collapsed in the pub, how is he" just "don't bring him again if he's going to be collapsing"

Bellend

Hope dads doing OK. Find a new pub..

WhereIsMyJumper · 18/05/2025 18:26

YANBU OP
I am completely on your side with this one.

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/05/2025 18:30

Yep, no asking how he was!

I bet it is that they have got a lot of events booked through summer, attracting the tourists to what is otherwise a very scruffy rural pub that is very easy to drive past to shinier places... and he doesn't want other customers upset at seeing it.

Utterly irrelevant as we never take him there late or for more than a couple of hours, and avoid if theres a big busy event as Dad doesn't like it too loud/busy!

But he'd earwigged his way through the conversation about the epilepsy and Dad being in until meds sorted... so it was really obvious, he'd not be going anywhere until he is stable enough to do so!

Utter prick. I hope all his beer turns to piss in the barrels.

OP posts:
GrannyJJ · 18/05/2025 18:33

Write on his business facebook page or write on yours but tag it…

AllrightNowBaby · 18/05/2025 18:33

Do not lose your shit on Fb as you could risk all of you being barred.
Next time you go in there, you could ask what your/his friends think about him being barred for basically being ill.
Quite honestly I’ve never heard anything like it …but keep calm is my advice.

fresh99 · 18/05/2025 18:37

I’m not usually one for this kind of thing but I’d be tempted to write a post explaining this on my own Facebook page and setting it to share.
Having two disabled children myself I’d like to know what kind of establishment it was and vote with my feet and take my business elsewhere.
I hope your Dad settles well in his new home if care is the best option for him.

Whaleandsnail6 · 18/05/2025 18:39

Thats awful . Made even more hurtful after going for so many years and considering these people friends.

I wouldn't normally do this but I would be so tempted to name and shame the pub... despicable behaviour and discrimination.

Like you said, your dad would not be alone so you are not expecting the staff to care for him in the event of an emergency...just to have some empathy and compassion for another human.

Any one of their customers or staff could fall ill at any time, there by the grace of god and all that...

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/05/2025 18:47

It's probably best if I keep quiet and hopefully some of the regulars, plus the owner, will have a word with him over the next few days and point out what an utter dick he is being.

The actual owner of the pub loves my dad to bits - but she wasn't there when this all went down.

The landlord is fairly new, and he's quite a young lad (early 20s) ... lacks life experience shall we say. Done a course in 'how to manage a pub' but clueless as to 'how to actually interact with people'!

I hope all his pork scratchings are hairy ones with nipples on.

OP posts:
Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 18/05/2025 18:48

I'm going to say this honestly - having worked in care for many years, it's really upsetting to witness someone having a fit. To keep taking someone back to an environment that's busy and noisy when you don't know what's triggering those fits - doesn't seem that sensible tbh. Could be the noise/lights, anything. And it's incredibly disruptive to other customers who may very well have complained.

It could have been requested differently however, and there's no excuse for the lack of tact. But please don't put this on FB. It's not worth the pile on.

SweeneyToddIer · 18/05/2025 18:51

I’m not from the UK so don’t know the name of the the correct agency, but I would be informed the authority responsible for equality that your father has been barred from an establishment solely because he’s disabled and see what they have to say.

JohnTheRevelator · 18/05/2025 18:59

I'm gob smacked at the 38% who think YABU!

BetterWithPockets · 18/05/2025 19:02

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 18/05/2025 18:48

I'm going to say this honestly - having worked in care for many years, it's really upsetting to witness someone having a fit. To keep taking someone back to an environment that's busy and noisy when you don't know what's triggering those fits - doesn't seem that sensible tbh. Could be the noise/lights, anything. And it's incredibly disruptive to other customers who may very well have complained.

It could have been requested differently however, and there's no excuse for the lack of tact. But please don't put this on FB. It's not worth the pile on.

You find it really upsetting to witness someone having a fit — therefore what? No one who might have a fit should ever leave their own home? Because that’s the logical extension of your statement. I remember witnessing someone having a fit on the street as a child — and yes, I found it frightening — but so what? I got over it because it wasn’t about me.

OP, I’m sorry about your dad. But also your phrase ‘hope all his pork scratchings are hairy ones with nipples on’ really made me laugh. I hope so too!

MrsMoastyToasty · 18/05/2025 19:05

Disability discrimination springs to mind.
You could also say "we'll take our family's custom elsewhere and line another landlord's pocket."

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/05/2025 19:06

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 18/05/2025 18:48

I'm going to say this honestly - having worked in care for many years, it's really upsetting to witness someone having a fit. To keep taking someone back to an environment that's busy and noisy when you don't know what's triggering those fits - doesn't seem that sensible tbh. Could be the noise/lights, anything. And it's incredibly disruptive to other customers who may very well have complained.

It could have been requested differently however, and there's no excuse for the lack of tact. But please don't put this on FB. It's not worth the pile on.

6pm in the evening in a quiet rural pub (sat outside both times) is not an environment that is triggering his fits. As I say, we don't take him to the louder events (live music that starts at 9pm, busy steam rally/car show type things on Sundays some weekends) as he doesn't like them.

The first time round, hospital kicked him out saying he's fine... no 'don't take him anywhere it may happen again' - so its hardly as if we're repeatedly taking him to some heaving rave club knowing he has epilepsy!

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 18/05/2025 19:09

I would speak to the actual owner.

PlutoCat · 18/05/2025 19:11

What an absolute bastard. I would ask your local councillor for help, this is disability discrimination and might possibly be in contravention to the landlord's licence?

I wouldn't take it FB though. Keep calm and see what you can do via official channels.

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/05/2025 19:14

Yep, I think being grown up and sensible (I feel neither, honestly, the least grown up I've felt in a bloody long time)...

We'll see how Dad gets on and if we come to a point where he could be taken out for an afternoon (secretly alcohol free) pint of mild, we'll have a chat with the actual owner and see how things are.

We can't take him anywhere now and won't be able to until he is totally stable and able to travel and that is currently looking a fair way off (if ever but I am trying not to think about that!)

Theres a good chance that by then the current tenant landlord will have run off with the takings and half the stock and we're on landlord number 3593487 anyway (it does have a high turn over of tenants!).

May his crisps get weevils and his tables all permanently wobbly.

OP posts:
myplace · 18/05/2025 19:15

When you are ready to take him next, nip in first and tell the bloke that ‘Dad’s on his way and of course you won’t be refusing a man service because of his disability, because that would be illegal!’

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/05/2025 19:16

I can see both sides tbh.

The environment may actually be triggering the fits but also from their insurance perspective if he was to fall and hurt himself....

Have you considered a wheelchair?

RockyRogue1001 · 18/05/2025 19:19

londongirl12 · 18/05/2025 19:09

I would speak to the actual owner.

Was just coming on to say this.

Just in a "just letting you know why we won't be around" kind of a way

RockyRogue1001 · 18/05/2025 19:20

I also love your curses @WiddlinDiddlin

Tagyoureit · 18/05/2025 19:25

Kindly, what is triggering these seizures? Is it alcohol?

When I worked in a pub before we had an epileptic customer, in his 20s, who would come in every Friday night, have a fit and we had to call an ambulance for something like 5 weeks on the trot because of this. The ambulance crew told me the alcohol probably wasn't helping.

As a pub, it didn't look great on us in terms of licensing etc because we've had so many 999 incidents regardless of who was at fault.

We told our customer that we couldn't keep this up, he was welcome in our pub but we would no longer be serving him alcohol.

We did this with as much consideration as we could.

So whilst I understand your upset, I really do as my mum died of dementia, I also understand the pubs point of view although the landlords delivery was very poor!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/05/2025 19:31

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 18/05/2025 18:48

I'm going to say this honestly - having worked in care for many years, it's really upsetting to witness someone having a fit. To keep taking someone back to an environment that's busy and noisy when you don't know what's triggering those fits - doesn't seem that sensible tbh. Could be the noise/lights, anything. And it's incredibly disruptive to other customers who may very well have complained.

It could have been requested differently however, and there's no excuse for the lack of tact. But please don't put this on FB. It's not worth the pile on.

No, it isn't, it's a seizure. They're something that happens to some disabled people and as long as somebody is there that knows what to do - which there would be on his visits from now on - there's no need for anybody to get upset about it, even when it's necessary to call an ambulance.

Ex-SIL had epilepsy, dealt with her having one when out shopping when I was 20 and she was 13, I'd seen her have one before and knew when she needed an ambulance, have dealt with plenty since as a first aider and a couple where strangers have had one when out in public.

DragonBalls · 18/05/2025 19:34

I imagine the 40% are those wondering whether the boozing has contributed to the dementia and/or the seizures.

RumAndDietCoke · 18/05/2025 19:38

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 18/05/2025 18:48

I'm going to say this honestly - having worked in care for many years, it's really upsetting to witness someone having a fit. To keep taking someone back to an environment that's busy and noisy when you don't know what's triggering those fits - doesn't seem that sensible tbh. Could be the noise/lights, anything. And it's incredibly disruptive to other customers who may very well have complained.

It could have been requested differently however, and there's no excuse for the lack of tact. But please don't put this on FB. It's not worth the pile on.

Perhaps you shouldn’t work in care then as you don’t sound very caring. I’ve got epilepsy and spend my life feeling anxious when I go out hoping that I won’t have a seizure in public. It’s so embarrassing to me and comments like yours just hit it home that there definitely are arseholes out there who think all the things I think they do.

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