Stop me from losing my shit on FB... (disability/pub/dementia)

[WiddlinDiddlin]

I am really trying to sit on my hands and as I am here, clearly failing.

My Dad is currently in hospital. He is 84 and over the last few weeks has had a few short seizures (falling over, losing control, then coming round and lucid and aware very quickly) recently, two of them in his local pub.

The current situation is that the hospital suspect epilepsy related to dementia, and think he may regain some degree of awareness/lucidity/sense and come out of hospital (though not to his own home I suspect).

For the last two/three weeks, he's been taken to his local by my sister, as he no longer drives. He had a seizure at the pub a couple of weeks back - hospital - sent home, seemed ok... (hasn't driven since about a week before that though, will not drive again, car removed etc).

He was in the pub again on Wednesday, with my sister, and had another seizure. He came round and the ambulance call was cancelled and they advised her to drive him in, so she did.

He then had another seizure at the hospital and this time they've kept him in.

Today my sisters gone back to the pub to catch up with friends of hers and his - he/they have been going there forever, since he was in his 20s and since us kids were 3/4 years old... we've known the owners, and every tenant landlord for decades (to make it clear this is not some random pub).

The current landlord has taken it upon himself to tell my sister 'we're not equipped for people having medical incidents here, don't bring him again' - after overhearing her say that he's not going to be living by himself again, or driving again, or going anywhere alone.

Now I could understand banning him for being a rude, cantankerous old goat, or a bit of an arsehole, he is/was all of those things.

But surely you cannot ban someone from a pub because they might have a medical crisis, whilst supervised by another adult.

Does that mean all disabled people are banned, everyone with an underlying health condition is banned - surely that is not ok.

No one is expecting the pub to look after him, we never have, no more than they look after the people who go there and get falling down drunk, or in floods of tears because their dog/horse/wife died/left them...

I do understand that seeing someone have a fit is pretty traumatic... but if you want to work in hospitality and run a pub, you're going to see humans being humans, surely!

I really am fucking angry - the chances are he is going into a home and at BEST we may be able to take him out for an hour or two, it would be brilliant if he could go somewhere thats part of his routine, where he's familiar with the building and theres people he knows - and now that's been taken away.

I am also fucking furious that the landlord decided to tell my sister this TODAY when he knew she was straight there from the hospital feeling pretty upset about Dad and whats happened - it's pretty much removed the one thing she was clinging to that might be close to 'normal'.

AIBU? Is this actually ok?

Firstly, you just did respond.

Second, ‘as a mother’ you are wielding your relationship like a weapon, as if somehow this status affords you carte blanche insight into how all disabled people think, exist, or the issues they deal with (including as adults).

I’ve hesitated to say ‘as a disabled person myself’ because I don’t think my status as disabled gives me some sort of divine overarching rightness that you seem to think your borrowed status does, however, it does mean that I have adult experiences of discrimination, have had to deal with other people speaking for me and trying to make decisions on my behalf. So I have some direct applicable experience, particularly as my disability is also epilepsy.

It was abundantly clear that the conversation you were engaged with on this thread was, well, about the actual situation on this thread, and it was completely ridiculous for you to state the other poster was twisting things around when you very clearly utilised a legal case that had nothing to do with this to try and make a point. When the other poster rightfully called you out on it, you then double downed and started slinging insults, just like you have in response to my comment.

The one thing you are right about is that it is abundantly clear on this thread for all to see.

I think it's disability discrimination. They have no right to ban him.for having a disability which is what they are doing.. No one is asking them to treat him if he has a seizure. Are they banning everyone who has epilepsy just in case they have a seizure, or all people who have had a heart attack in case it happens again? What about people with mobility issues are they banning them in case they fall over and break a bone.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Sadly some people just can't cope with seeing people who are different from them. But the answer is not to shield them from them it's to expose them more.

Let's just leave it and agree to differ. When you're at the point of getting your posts deleted then clearly you're going beyond what is considered acceptable and it serves no purpose to engage further.

Again, the self-righteousness is off the charts. Pretty sure that if I reported your comment calling me stupid Mumsnet would delete that too.

I know this may be difficult to grasp but you can simply stop responding to me when you say you want to.

Based on the fact that he has had a seizure in there twice recently and both times had to be retrieved by ambulance, and is currently hospitalised.

I wasn’t remotely kicking you when you were down. I was trying to warn you that anti-seizure medications can cause deterioration in dementia patients so it’s worth preparing yourself. Actually.

And if you’d bothered to read my replies, you’d have seen that I agreed that legally the pub are in the wrong.

My daughter has epilepsy and yes it is disturbing to witness a seizure but also it is absolutely illegal to bar someone due to a disability.

@TaggieO I read your replies, several times, wondering how you thought any of those points needed to be raised since I had addressed all of them previously.

And then you had to come back to add:

"I really do think that in your father’s condition though, the pub is not the ideal environment for him at the moment."

If that isn't you implying that his welfare isn't my priority, that I haven't considered what may or may not be appropriate for him both physically and mentally, I really dunno what it's meant to be. A wee bit of patronising someone to feel good about yourself?

Also if you cannot work out that I am ranting about the landlords crass, insensitive and stupid comments as a distraction from the horrible situation my Dad is in right now, you seriously lack any understanding of human behaviour.

Does it not occur that we'd really like to cling to some faint hope that we might be able to take the old git out for a pint in the sunshine, that there is a future with some small joy in it for him?

So now you want to focus your anger on me rather than the landlord. Do you feel better now?

If you post about being angry you aren’t allowed to take your elderly and infirm parent to the pub then you can’t be surprised by people saying that it might be for the best. I’m sorry you’ve taken against what I said so drastically. I was not trying in any way to be unpleasant. If you feel better ranting at my posts, by all means feel free, but I wasn’t being rude to you.

I'm sure OP expected most people to not think they know more than she does about her father's health.

This reminds me of those incidents that used to happen when someone in a wheelchair gets told they're a 'fire hazard' and asked to leave the establishment. I thought we'd moved on from those types of discrimination.

Although, I did read the other day about recent incidents where people with facial disfigurements have been turned away from cafés and restaurants for putting other customers off their food. 😡 honestly it makes you mad, people can be utter shits.

I hope you sort it out and find a way of taking your dad out somewhere nice. When my Dad was in a similar situation we'd drive him around all the old villages he grew up in, he'd tell us stories, then we'd pitch up somewhere for lunch, good memories x

But you were spectacularly missing the point. The landlord was breaking the law. And your whole post reads as though you support this.

And you were wrong. As l pointed out upthread. Actually.

And OP says he has had multiple other seizures elsewhere - including in his sleep. There is no reason he can’t be supported to visit his local when he’s discharged if that’s what he wants.

Referring to the top paragraph, that has actually happened to me although I use crutches rather than a wheelchair usually. Despite the fact that I had obviously managed to get up the stairs and said I could get down they said that "they sometimes have emergencies and people need to leave quickly". I refused to leave.

Unbelievable, I just don't know how someone can look another person in the eyes and say that, like your existence is an inconvenience for others. I'm glad you didn't leave, but I've got to wonder how many people got turned away feeling like they were not wanted. Ugh.

Yes, I was really shocked.

Oh, I've been a fire hazard on a number of occasions in my chair, I've been asked (after a fairly lengthy small talk type chat that should have established I was vaguely competent) if I have a 'responsible adult' to collect me from somewhere...

Was asked to leave a shop as the aisles were too narrow 'and anyway you can't possibly want something from here?' (Shop did not sell anything my size, irrelevant as I was buying a gift for someone else).

They suggested I sit outside and send someone else in to shop for me... I was on my own! I left when it looked horribly like they might try to recruit a random passer by!

I literally SAID that the landlord is breaking the law

😮

Oh ffs some of these replies. He’s elderly, he’s unwell. He isn’t going clubbing in Zante, he is sitting outside of a quiet, rural pub socialising with his family. Should all elderly/disabled people be reigned to sitting in their home or in a care environment on the off chance they have a medical episode?

The landlord was a total arse. It’s clear discrimination. Even worse that it’s your local that you’ve been going to for years not some faceless chain pub. He’s a complete disgrace and while posting on Facebook might not be the best idea right now, I would make him aware in a civil way that his comment was unprofessional and very disappointing to a long term customer. I’d be making sure other people know about it too.

Sending my best wishes to you, your sister and your dad. I hope he is still able to enjoy a few of the simple pleasures in life.

Although, I did read the other day about recent incidents where people with facial disfigurements have been turned away from cafés and restaurants for putting other customers off their food. 😡 honestly it makes you mad, people can be utter shits

I can believe that.
I am barred from a pub in Bristol for not covering up my arms. I am heavily scarred due to self harm.
I was getting friendly with a bloke that worked at this pub. It was family run. I went a few times, then he told me that some of the regulars were upset at the sight of my arms and had complained. I was asked to cover them up. It was the middle of summer, and I refused. Was told I was not to go there again.

Dad update from yesterday: He's had a sit in the 'beer garden' (not a beer garden, just a grassy area with benches near his ward) with his pipe and some alcohol free beer, had a chat with a few people he doesn't actually know and then wanted a sleep.

All the staff on his ward are now aware he's very routine oriented (almost certainly ND, DS and I both are) and distressed by being out of routine and thats what the 'take me to the pub' behaviour is really about, so they're handling this much better.

Hard to pin down a Dr at the moment to find out what the plan actually is and unfortunately I suspect the longer he stays there, the more mobility he will lose, the less likely he will regain any independence at all. I think a lot of what he was doing was habit/muscle memory rather than real ability and the longer he's not practicing it the more it'll go.

Not unexpected (for me at least, it is shocking and upsetting my sister dreadfully) though, but still sad.

@XenoBitch that is awful, I'd say it's shocking but sadly it isn't :(