Struggling to arrange playdates - is this the new normal?

[Sparklybutold]

We recently moved to Wales from England, and my DD started nursery and then school. Back when we lived in a city in England, playdates were a given—parents were generally easygoing, and arranging meetups for my DS was never a problem (prior covid). But here, it feels like I’m inviting people to a secret cult gathering whenever I suggest a playdate!

My DD regularly asks for her friends to come over, so I text other parents, but I either get ignored, cancelled on at the last minute, or told they have other plans—with no attempt to rearrange. It’s disheartening, and I’m wondering if others have noticed this change?

A friend who works with families mentioned that parents just don’t socialise at the school gates or at parties like they used to, blaming technology and the lingering effects of Covid. Another friend—who wasn’t born in the UK—said she often gets ignored and wondered if it was because she wasn’t British. She also suggested it might be because I’m English.

I've thought too many times maybe its because of me? But then why have I been so successful in the past but not here? I would get just one family, but its happening so many times now I'm wondering if there is a cultural element or a societal play date etiquette shift that I failed to get the memo!

What are other parents experiences? Especially if they've had kids either side of covid.

Do the kids you’re asking over have siblings?
When are you asking to meet - after school or at weekends?
How old is DD?

Nothing to do with Covid in my experience. I’m in England and play dates are very much a thing here. The challenge is that you often have both parents working and trying to fit in play dates is difficult. It’s more to do with not having time and having a busy life rather than anything to do with not wanting to socialise. When I suggest play dates I try and make it as easy for the other parent as possible I.e. I’ll pick up both kids from school, bring home or to the park, feed and bring child back. This seems to work well for us.

If you text me and asked me I would probably say yes but the truth is it would be massively inconvenient most days.

The children are booked in advance into after school childcare most nights or have after school activities, so whilst they could miss it for a play date I would most likely still have to pay for it and would also have to juggle pickups for the not invited sibling.

I also feel guilty as for the same reasons as above I can't really offer a return playdate.

It definitely wouldn't be because I'm unfriendly or don't want to associate with you.

This is exactly the challenge I have and most parents around us too.

School mummy mafia is a complete nightmare, parents thinking u wanted to be friends and that yr child should go to their house, lucky that seems to be disappearing, All that pretending to friends is exhausting, and it doesn’t make the children any better friends, if they like each other they don’t need parental input to be friends.

I’m exactly like @Iudncuewbccgrcb . Unless it’s a weekend or the school holidays the logistics of play dates are more than I’m prepared to commit to. I would also probably say yes, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to make it happen.

One of DDs friends mum is often texting me asking for play dates but I just can’t facilitate as I work until 17:30 each day so can’t really return the play date favour. Then at the weekends we generally have plans.

I'm another that finds playdates a logistical nightmare. We have weekdays fully scheduled between breakfast club, after school club and evening activities (We both work 5 days a week)

and if I'm honest I don't really want to spend the weekends facilitating the social lives of the children (outside of birthday parties)

Playdates are very much still a thing amongst the SAHM's/ more sociable Mums at our school

Exactly! Playdates are impossible because of work. On the odd occasion when my kid pleaded for a playdate at a friend's house, I had tonnes of admin cancelling after school club, contacting school to approve collection by the mum...too much hassle. And I can't reciprocate a playdate so feel like a jerk. So now I just politely decline. It's a shame though that kids can't play outside anymore without people calling social services.

Exactly! Cannot fathom how people with jobs do playdates. Unless their job finishes at 3:00. Mine does not.

It's cos you're English

Have you moved to a tiny town where everyone knows everyone?

How old is your child? Beyond age 9ish I really try not to get involved and just let them organise it themselves. Obviously I provide lifts if needed, snacks etc but the logistics I leave to them.
They only proviso is not to put me on the spot in front of their friend when asking for something like 'can Dave come round?'

If youtfinding they are are elusive or cancelling a lot, do the other children actually like your child? The other kid might be saying to parent 'dont make me go to his house we're not good friends.'

I think people could comment more helpfully, if you say how old the dc are and what it is you are offering.

Not sure if this is the same child who was already having lots of 'playdates' before covid, or if this is a younger sibling.

My eldest was born in 2020 so no pre-covid experience, but we've had no problems that you described arranging play dates for child1 or child2. Playdates at house, playdates at friends houses, playdates at the park, playdates because we were playing out front and friends happened to walk past....

We're about to embark on navigating the school playground come September so we'll see!

My grandchildren are always going on playdates or birthday parties but I expect it depends on how friendly it is where you live and how welcoming they are to people they might see as newcomers.

If you text me and asked me I would probably say yes but the truth is it would be massively inconvenient most days.
The children are booked in advance into after school childcare most nights or have after school activities, so whilst they could miss it for a play date I would most likely still have to pay for it and would also have to juggle pickups for the not invited sibling.

This. Dh and are both working, we use what little flexibility we have with a couple of pick ups a week to fit in swimming & music lessons.

On a saturday the kids have sports in the morning & the afternoon we want to actually spend time as a family, plus there are the inevitable kids parties. On sundays we often have family plans.

I do fit an occasional play date in on a Saturday afternoon but it really is a logistical battle.

I asked the parents of one of DS’ friends if she would like to come for a play date the other day and they said that ‘they weren’t really a play date family’ which I loved and fully respected.

Same as others - we work and then we have extra curricular to fit in on the non-work days. We do the odd playdate at the weekend or in the hols but don't think we have ever done one in the week.

I had the same problem. I am a SAHP but was surrounded by working parents. I only have one child so it became quite hard for him to get chances to socialise outside school. I didn't send him to after school club because I was around when it was on and knew how awful it was.

May be because you are English but people are busy and most mums work. I also think kids behaviour has deteriorated in recent years which puts people off. Also don't call them play dates as it is a modern term that might not be used everywhere. Have you tried asking if they want to go somewhere instead? Soft play areas for example.

Life is just busy for some, a play date whilst nice idea can sometimes feel like an extra chore to fit in. If I’m at work til 5 then heading home but then have to go back out at 6/6:30 to collect DC from friends house it is a lot of effort after a busy day and I’d just rather not. When are you suggesting play dates for, after school, weekends, holiday?

Are you in a nice rural part of Wales, where your English money is pricing locals out of homes....? That would be my guess.

Are other children having play dates or is it just not a thing where you are?

If you've not long moved in the area, and your child is quite young, maybe parents are just wary of sending them on a playdate to a comparative stranger?

It could also just be the specific parents involved. My children went to the same schools and in one child's year there loads of playdates; in the other's there was virtually none until they got to upper primary and it was much closer friends.

The other possibility is that formalised play dates aren't a thing because children there still just go and knock and ask their friends out to play, like we did when we were young