Page 4 | Struggling to arrange playdates - is this the new normal?

Enigma53 · 20/05/2025 08:41

My kids are young adults now, but I remember the play date stuff well.

However, I was happy to wait until they were old enough to play by themselves and could organise their own activities.
There were plenty of kids to play with on the lane, with local park round the corner, fields to make dens, shop if hungry. They were out for hours on bikes.

When they are so little and parents are working and just dealing with day to day life, play dates can be hard to facilitate.

It definitely gets easier as they get older ( except when you have the biggest garden with the trampoline and paddling pool. Then it’s just kids non stop!)

All fun though.

NoBots · 20/05/2025 08:47

Sparklybutold · 19/05/2025 22:49

Weve been here for over a year, and there's this surface level politeness - all about the cwtches, everything lush and all smiles, but anything deeper, its like a brick wall - I literally feel like I have leprosy. When I first moved here and told people where I lived, I would be told - oh the posh part (news to me).

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I thought this is just Englishness in general 😂

Tbrh · 20/05/2025 08:57

Renabrook · 20/05/2025 07:49

The children I know mainly play with their friends at school then have other friends either in the neighbourhood who may go to different schools or from activities they chose to do

The playdates I know are more for the parents not the kids the kids just tag along when it works like that

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I think it depends on the age of your kids. Originally the playdates were more for me, and hopefully my baby would also have fun. Now at 3.5 DC loves having playdates with their friends, they're always asking. A few weeks ago, a little girl and DC really hit it off at a cafe that had a play area, she was keen on a playdate so we met up last week at the local playground so they could play. That was quite random and adventurous even for me, but I thought why not and it's nice to have friends outside of the usual nursery circle.

thetrumanshow · 20/05/2025 09:04

GorillaJoe · 20/05/2025 07:23

Wow. Only read page one but it’s tragic how parents think their kids playing with friends is their lowest priority.

Free play for children is really important. It’s completely different from formal, adult led activities.

Most kids can’t go out by themselves anymore and play in their neighborhood with friends as it’s ’not the done thing anymore’ . And it seems from this thread that most parents think play is valueless and can’t be bothered enabling it. Poor kids.

This is not a social change for the better.

that's your opinion. I can't see any value in just "hanging around" with random neighbours.

Kids still play a lot with their friends, and by doing clubs and sports, they make other friends and have large groups to spend time with. What do you think clubs are for? They also enjoy the sports they are doing, it's not athlete training, it's adapted to kids to keep it fun.

Mine always had playdates and sleepovers too, but rarely with kids of parents I don't know. Which makes sense, I wouldn't be comfortable letting my younger ones in the house of someone I don't know, and it's so much easier to arrange things with friends I am in contact with.

They keep the same group of friends in secondary when they are old enough to arrange their own social life, but sports and hobbies are still there, and sleepovers are just friends staying longer than they originally planned! Again, easier because parents are friends too.

footpath · 20/05/2025 09:09

Wow it's wild how people have different views on play dates 😆. I'm also in London & it's pretty chilled and normal here, maybe as a pp said we are just more open?

footpath · 20/05/2025 09:10

Kids still play a lot with their friends, and by doing clubs and sports, they make other friends and have large groups to spend time with. What do you think clubs are for? They also enjoy the sports they are doing, it's not athlete training, it's adapted to kids to keep it fun.

I did clubs & sports but I still had play dates. Different things imo.

Original poster

Sparklybutold · 20/05/2025 10:17

LoveWine123 · 20/05/2025 07:15

This explains the difficulties in logistics really well.

I think what OP is also experiencing is what many people experience when they move to a new place - the loss of friends, family and social circle around them. The “starting from scratch” part where play dates are not just play dates but an attempt to make adult friends or build a new social circle with people who don’t need to do the same. This is what many of us expats and immigrants are experiencing. Trying to break through existing social circles and build a new life when you have the challenges of working and busy parents but also parents who are not looking for additional socialising because they prioritise their current friends. Trying to fit in with people who have known each other for years and whose kids are friends outside of school/nursery.

It’s not an easy place to be, it’s lonely and you often feel excluded and as if you are doing something wrong. I also have the additional challenge of coming from a completely different culture and having to learn the local social norms and school system. I would advise you to persevere…keep inviting kids and try organising class meet ups. It takes a lot of work and putting yourself out there. It’s taken me years but I have found some friendly mums and I have managed to build a social circle for my kids. I have found English people very guarded but once you get to know them, they are kind, welcoming and interested in other cultures, also very tolerant. I know you are in Wales, not England but I think the principle is the same. Best wishes to you, it takes time but it’s part of building a new life.

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You hit the nail on the head. I am trying to socialise too, especially as one of the mums of my DD friends lives a few houses down. It is lonely, especially as I have no family.

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Original poster

Sparklybutold · 20/05/2025 10:19

moderationincludingmoderation · 20/05/2025 07:54

Playdates were and are always easy and aplenty but I live in a London neighbourhood and we all live within walking distance of each other and so it feels really easy to squeezs them in, if not actually very convenient.
i can imagine if one lived more remotely then its a bit more of a faff logistics wise. Have you gone from urban to rural?

Its suburbs on a big housing estate.

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pinkelephantseverywhere · 20/05/2025 10:23

Like others, unless it’s during the school holidays I just find it really difficult to squeeze in playdates. DH works full time and I work part time so the kids are in childcare two nights a week and have activities on several other days. Then there’s homework and seeing family and we’re not left with much free time!

I don’t think it’s personal, I think it’s just that everyone is so busy.

BeGreatSheep · 20/05/2025 10:37

I’m going to be honest, this is the reason people are miserable and raising kids that can’t do simple tasks like buy an item from a person in a shop. No one socialises because we have created a society where everyone works 40+ hours a week for a distinctly average lifestyle.

Few people especially in the south east, want to mingle as it’s ‘too much effort’ then wonder why they are so lonely age 40. Our children are house bound with anxiety by 17. There are exceptions of course but the statistics are there.

its really sad just how fucked we are as a country. But hey, as long as the property prices are going up and we can pretend we are wealthy 🙂

OmnishambleMum · 20/05/2025 10:40

I think it’s a mix of busy lives and tbh you’re English living in Wales. Having spent quite a lot of time in various parts of Wales I can confirm that in many places we are less welcome than pretty much anyone else. Don’t know why that is but it’s how it is sadly.

Totallytoti · 20/05/2025 10:41

Funnyduck60 · 19/05/2025 12:24

May be because you are English but people are busy and most mums work. I also think kids behaviour has deteriorated in recent years which puts people off. Also don't call them play dates as it is a modern term that might not be used everywhere. Have you tried asking if they want to go somewhere instead? Soft play areas for example.

This. People work and barely getting home to make dinner homework and other kids, and last thing to fart around with other children in the house. Are you assuming people don’t work, or are sahp? Im actually amazed you can’t wrap your head around the idea that people work and can’t fit it in.

Tbrh · 20/05/2025 10:44

BeGreatSheep · 20/05/2025 10:37

I’m going to be honest, this is the reason people are miserable and raising kids that can’t do simple tasks like buy an item from a person in a shop. No one socialises because we have created a society where everyone works 40+ hours a week for a distinctly average lifestyle.

Few people especially in the south east, want to mingle as it’s ‘too much effort’ then wonder why they are so lonely age 40. Our children are house bound with anxiety by 17. There are exceptions of course but the statistics are there.

its really sad just how fucked we are as a country. But hey, as long as the property prices are going up and we can pretend we are wealthy 🙂

💯

RedSkyDelights · 20/05/2025 10:45

Sparklybutold · 19/05/2025 23:24

Of course they don't exist just to placate my daughter - what an inflated thing to suggest. I'm talking about basic politeness. Regarding playdate, all smiley faces but nothing came of it - why? She's now at school so wont see this friend again. She misses her and I was told by the other mum that there daughter missed our daughter. I have never suggested unaccompanied playdates, parent(s ) always welcome too, which I made clear.

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Realistically nursery friendships never continue once the children go to different schools unless their parents are friends too.

I think the first year of school is an awkward stage, where some parents are nervous about leaving their children on their own, but don't want to (or can't) accompany them to a play date. I would think you will find this easier in the next year or so when friendships are a bit more clear cut, parents know each other a bit better and the children can do more under their own steam.

Some people are just friendlier and more accommodating. I found huge difference in friendliness/number of playdates between my 2 children who were 2 school years apart and going to the same schools, so I don't think there was other factors at play other than the individual parents' circumstances.

I would suggest finding friends for yourself via interests in common, and not via your daughter's classmates parents. I know some people have met long lasting friends through their children, but it's much more likely that you won't.

Pandasandelephants · 20/05/2025 10:46

Sparklybutold · 18/05/2025 16:28

We recently moved to Wales from England, and my DD started nursery and then school. Back when we lived in a city in England, playdates were a given—parents were generally easygoing, and arranging meetups for my DS was never a problem (prior covid). But here, it feels like I’m inviting people to a secret cult gathering whenever I suggest a playdate!

My DD regularly asks for her friends to come over, so I text other parents, but I either get ignored, cancelled on at the last minute, or told they have other plans—with no attempt to rearrange. It’s disheartening, and I’m wondering if others have noticed this change?

A friend who works with families mentioned that parents just don’t socialise at the school gates or at parties like they used to, blaming technology and the lingering effects of Covid. Another friend—who wasn’t born in the UK—said she often gets ignored and wondered if it was because she wasn’t British. She also suggested it might be because I’m English.

I've thought too many times maybe its because of me? But then why have I been so successful in the past but not here? I would get just one family, but its happening so many times now I'm wondering if there is a cultural element or a societal play date etiquette shift that I failed to get the memo!

What are other parents experiences? Especially if they've had kids either side of covid.

I never did many play dates nor did my friends. But we all worked and this seem to be the standard these days. When would you have play dates? After 6 pm?

fisherlong · 20/05/2025 10:50

SlugsWon · 19/05/2025 12:54

It's sad that people can't facilitate playdates any more, and that it becomes one more chore and logistical burden. All of our children lose out when we don't - somehow! - enable a culture where children play together, in a less structured way than clubs etc provide. Kids treasure time to play, and they need it. It's what they are designed to do, imo, and we need to keep it as a normal part of childhood.

I do get it, my husband and I both work full time so I know how hard it is. But, if someone offers a play date, just say yes. Even if you can't repay the 'favour' until half term or whatever. Kids need to play with other kids, out of school and out of structured activities. We need to prioritise this, and not let it become a chore

Totally agree .Also my children would often come out of school and ask if a friend could come home and play. Rarely a problem,just involved an extra portion of supper and my child happy.

Anxioustealady · 20/05/2025 11:07

Sparklybutold · 19/05/2025 22:45

She was waiting as her parents told her that was where they were heading. Of course I spoke with DD that they may just want a family day out - no problem with this. But frankly it was just plain mean to say one thing and then clearly be encouraging her friend to not look and walk away. If I was the other family I would have come over to explain if I wasn't staying because I know how much this can mean to a young person. I also wouldn't agree to a play date, pull out last minute and then have no follow up. I'm talking about basic polite communication skills that are lacking.

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Sorry, I don't get this. Were you or your daughter expecting an invite to the water park with them?

I wouldn't want to be responsible for a little child in a water park. I wouldn't even know if she can swim, and she'd have to go get her swimming costume, delaying us. If I could tell that was what was expected I probably would just leave without feeling the need to explain myself to anyone.

footpath · 20/05/2025 11:14

Im actually amazed you can’t wrap your head around the idea that people work and can’t fit it in.

I work, all my friends work. My dd had a play date last week, the mum is a surgeon. 🤷🏻‍♀️

whataboutyou · 20/05/2025 11:38

Sparklybutold · 19/05/2025 22:46

South wales - bang in the middle of Cardiff and Newport.

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I moved to South Wales (I'm not Welsh) and honestly have never been so depressed nor have I ever felt so lonely. People in general there are just different (not a criticism just an observation) and I didn't fit in. I found it was a 'tea at 4pm, doors shut, not going anywhere' sort of place. I detested it and moving away was the best decision I ever made.

TheDisillusionedAnarchist · 20/05/2025 11:40

We live quite close to you and I think it is a difference in Welsh culture to say Southern England. Lots of people have extended family close and friends they know already. Nursery starts younger, people have fewer play dates and more time with family.
Theres also just not a culture of play dates, we home Ed and still people don’t want to come to our house to play! Lots of groups and activities but going to houses for play dates is not really a thing and when I suggest it everyone acts a little off.

might be more interest in a meet up in the park or soft play.

Absolutenonsense · 20/05/2025 11:45

SlugsWon · 19/05/2025 12:54

It's sad that people can't facilitate playdates any more, and that it becomes one more chore and logistical burden. All of our children lose out when we don't - somehow! - enable a culture where children play together, in a less structured way than clubs etc provide. Kids treasure time to play, and they need it. It's what they are designed to do, imo, and we need to keep it as a normal part of childhood.

I do get it, my husband and I both work full time so I know how hard it is. But, if someone offers a play date, just say yes. Even if you can't repay the 'favour' until half term or whatever. Kids need to play with other kids, out of school and out of structured activities. We need to prioritise this, and not let it become a chore

I agree. It’s so sad. Children need play. It is the ‘work’ of childhood and children don’t develop fully without it. Structured clubs, which are almost never child-directed aren’t the same

Original poster

Sparklybutold · 20/05/2025 12:14

Totallytoti · 20/05/2025 10:41

This. People work and barely getting home to make dinner homework and other kids, and last thing to fart around with other children in the house. Are you assuming people don’t work, or are sahp? Im actually amazed you can’t wrap your head around the idea that people work and can’t fit it in.

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Yet many parents who do work do fit it in. But it seems where I am less people are inclined.

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Sparklybutold · 20/05/2025 12:15

RedSkyDelights · 20/05/2025 10:45

Realistically nursery friendships never continue once the children go to different schools unless their parents are friends too.

I think the first year of school is an awkward stage, where some parents are nervous about leaving their children on their own, but don't want to (or can't) accompany them to a play date. I would think you will find this easier in the next year or so when friendships are a bit more clear cut, parents know each other a bit better and the children can do more under their own steam.

Some people are just friendlier and more accommodating. I found huge difference in friendliness/number of playdates between my 2 children who were 2 school years apart and going to the same schools, so I don't think there was other factors at play other than the individual parents' circumstances.

I would suggest finding friends for yourself via interests in common, and not via your daughter's classmates parents. I know some people have met long lasting friends through their children, but it's much more likely that you won't.

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To be clear I don't expect to meet friends through my daughters friends.

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Sparklybutold · 20/05/2025 12:17

RedSkyDelights · 20/05/2025 10:45

Realistically nursery friendships never continue once the children go to different schools unless their parents are friends too.

I think the first year of school is an awkward stage, where some parents are nervous about leaving their children on their own, but don't want to (or can't) accompany them to a play date. I would think you will find this easier in the next year or so when friendships are a bit more clear cut, parents know each other a bit better and the children can do more under their own steam.

Some people are just friendlier and more accommodating. I found huge difference in friendliness/number of playdates between my 2 children who were 2 school years apart and going to the same schools, so I don't think there was other factors at play other than the individual parents' circumstances.

I would suggest finding friends for yourself via interests in common, and not via your daughter's classmates parents. I know some people have met long lasting friends through their children, but it's much more likely that you won't.

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My son has 3 friends who has known since nursery. They are still close and meet up regularly, despite living in different places, going to different schools. However, I do remember a case study being done with my sons friendship group (4 in total) as they were incredibly close which was considered unusual at such a young age.

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Sparklybutold · 20/05/2025 12:18

Pandasandelephants · 20/05/2025 10:46

I never did many play dates nor did my friends. But we all worked and this seem to be the standard these days. When would you have play dates? After 6 pm?

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Whenever. The last one was planned week d, but was cancelled owing to her child being poorly, which is fair enough.

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