Struggling to arrange playdates - is this the new normal?

[Sparklybutold]

We recently moved to Wales from England, and my DD started nursery and then school. Back when we lived in a city in England, playdates were a given—parents were generally easygoing, and arranging meetups for my DS was never a problem (prior covid). But here, it feels like I’m inviting people to a secret cult gathering whenever I suggest a playdate!

My DD regularly asks for her friends to come over, so I text other parents, but I either get ignored, cancelled on at the last minute, or told they have other plans—with no attempt to rearrange. It’s disheartening, and I’m wondering if others have noticed this change?

A friend who works with families mentioned that parents just don’t socialise at the school gates or at parties like they used to, blaming technology and the lingering effects of Covid. Another friend—who wasn’t born in the UK—said she often gets ignored and wondered if it was because she wasn’t British. She also suggested it might be because I’m English.

I've thought too many times maybe its because of me? But then why have I been so successful in the past but not here? I would get just one family, but its happening so many times now I'm wondering if there is a cultural element or a societal play date etiquette shift that I failed to get the memo!

What are other parents experiences? Especially if they've had kids either side of covid.

You a blow in ???

Play dates are definitely a thing here, it can take a lot of back and forth to find a convenient time because most families have two working parents. We often have big park or beach meet ups during the holidays too

It's sad that people can't facilitate playdates any more, and that it becomes one more chore and logistical burden. All of our children lose out when we don't - somehow! - enable a culture where children play together, in a less structured way than clubs etc provide. Kids treasure time to play, and they need it. It's what they are designed to do, imo, and we need to keep it as a normal part of childhood.

I do get it, my husband and I both work full time so I know how hard it is. But, if someone offers a play date, just say yes. Even if you can't repay the 'favour' until half term or whatever. Kids need to play with other kids, out of school and out of structured activities. We need to prioritise this, and not let it become a chore

Whereabouts are you in Wales OP? I think that in the vast, vast majority of Wales, being English really isn't going to be any kind of issue. (In fact, I could tell you stories of children in Wales being excluded socially because they speak Welsh as well as English...)

It’s just another thing to add to the list of things to think about and navigate plans for when people are already busy.

Juggling work, other children’s pick ups, clubs and so on it’s just easier to avoid it.

Having to find a day and time that fits perfectly and works around all of the above can be a logistical nightmare and on top of that you then feel the need to return the offer.

Could it be your DD? Sorry it's not nice to think of but if kids don't want to hang out with a particular child their parents are not going to be truthful and just say sorry that doesn't work.

I was SAHM with younger kids when DS was young and invited literally every child in the class at one point or another, either in 2s or alone. Many parents explained they couldn't reciprocate and that was fine with me but the majority didn't invite him back, some were at home or PT and easily could have done. There was never explanations given. The fact is he was a handful and they didn't want him or possibly their kids didn't. A few years later with DD i had a totally different experience, obviously not the same people but same area with same norms. She was invited to everything and everyone always complimented how good she was.

How recently have you moved and have you had a chance to get to know the parents? I imagine if nobody has had a chance to get to know you they may be a bit cautious about their child playing around a stranger's house.

Weekends are so short and there’s so many other time-priorities. Time just us, time with my own friends, time alone and time with extended family. Spending time with people I only know briefly would be at the bottom of the pile - not that I dislike them just other priorities with my precious 2 days! I wouldnt take it personally. Also nursery parties are in a steady rotation so they socialise there anyway.

OP I think you might have just gotten unlucky with the dynamic of that class. I have three DC and I find it varies massively with each class. My youngest (age 6) has the most friendly group of parents that I've encountered so far. Lots of whole class parties and generally just all nice people who will say hello or goodbye. Even if people are rushing off to work or whatever they will smile and acknowledge you. Parents originally from several different countries but everyone friendly and welcoming. With DC2 (age 9) I found that parents in his class were head down and avoided eye contact or conversation.I'd go as far as to say rude. With DC1 (age 12) there was a bit of a mix . A lot of Eastern Europe parents who spoke no English so it's only as the DC got older and started arranging their own play dates that everyone started mixing. So I think you can get lucky and unlucky with the groups you get.

@Sparklybutold are you coming back to engage with people who have taken time to reply ?

Hi everyone - thank-you to everyone who have taken the time to reply. My DD is reception age. We have lived in a lot of places but it feels I'm just not gelling like I would usually. The area is adjacent to a city. As I know I've arranged playdates/socialised successfully before with my DS when he was young, it must be something else? But it was the comment said by a friend that got me thinking whether there has been a social shift as she had noted a dramatic reduction in children going to playdates? From this thread - working patterns has been suggested. But then, with my son, playdates were still arranged with parents who worked, so there is a difference. So there's 4 main options - area, societal/attitude shift, different child? And me - I'm different?

We had a recent unfortunate incident where my DD and I were at our local park and DD saw a friend from nursery. They were very close. DD quickly cycles over and her friend does acknowledge her, parents say hi and they tell my DD they will be heading over to the water park. DD excitedly waits. We then see them walk past with her friend turning around to look for DD, and what looks like her parents pulling her away. I felt extreme sad for DD and just angry at the parents behaviour. I had arranged a playdate with the mum a month ago, she seemed happy about it, she then cancelled last minute as her daughter unwell, but then no follow up to rearrange. In the meantime my daughter had planned for a picnic.

We have play dates most weekends, obviously like most people we are working /neee childcare during the week.
What’s not to love about play dates, the children entertain themselves mostly, have some stimulation and company.
We do booked sports activities and family stuff too but you can still fit in a play date 2-6pm on a Saturday.

OP I don’t think this is a new thing across society, I think it’s bad luck where you are. Your DC is still young though so hopefully as friendships develop it might improve?

What was your DD waiting on in this scenario? An invite? Maybe the family didn't want another kid tagging along that day.

We used to live in Wales OP, and while we did our absolute best to fit in, there were still Welsh people who would be outright rude, and genuinely don't like the English. Can I ask whereabouts in Wales you are, as some areas are more known for this attitude to the English than others?

She was waiting as her parents told her that was where they were heading. Of course I spoke with DD that they may just want a family day out - no problem with this. But frankly it was just plain mean to say one thing and then clearly be encouraging her friend to not look and walk away. If I was the other family I would have come over to explain if I wasn't staying because I know how much this can mean to a young person. I also wouldn't agree to a play date, pull out last minute and then have no follow up. I'm talking about basic polite communication skills that are lacking.

South wales - bang in the middle of Cardiff and Newport.

Weve been here for over a year, and there's this surface level politeness - all about the cwtches, everything lush and all smiles, but anything deeper, its like a brick wall - I literally feel like I have leprosy. When I first moved here and told people where I lived, I would be told - oh the posh part (news to me).

See I don't understand how you've managed to organise play dates up until now with nursery aged children. My children, when at nursery, were in full time, and there was no way I could have facilitated them during the working week and I don't think I would have seen the point at the weekend - why does a 3/4 year old need to play with a friend they see 5 times a week, when they can spend some time with their parents who have to work 40 hours + commuting time.

Now my children are of primary school age, I do organise play dates every now and again; I am very conscious of some parents able to host more than I am however, due to our weekends getting filled up with activities quite frequently so potentially only available one or two weekends in eight, for example.

And again, I still have this feeling that I don't get to see my children very often in the week and they get to see their friends all day every day monday to friday.

A lot of households have one or both parent WFH now so can't easily reciprocate. We do - playdates after school are a nightmare because DH is working upstairs. We do them with one particular child on a weekend but honestly I can tell both I and the other family would rather not. We get on well though so just suck it up!

I don't see anything wrong with what they did, they said a polite hello and continued with their plans? How is that mean? You're perhaps expecting too much from this interaction, they don't exist just to placate or interact with your DD.

On the missed playdate, their child was unwell so the playdate didn't happen, no biggie, it's not on them to follow up. Perhaps they're not actually as good friends as you've presumed and their dd doesn't want a playdate. If she's only nursery age she'll see them plenty at nursery anyway.

Perhaps parents are uncomfortable leaving their child with someone they don't know. We didn't do unaccompanied playdates at nursery age, and I didn't have the time or inclination to make small talk with another mum that I didn't know when my time was very limited.

I find it amazing that anyone can avoid play dates? I work full time and we have play dates at least once a week at the weekend. This weekend we had 3 as well as the normal clubs etc. I sometimes get a flexi day and have one on Friday after school.

What do you people do with the kids all weekend? We do family stuff sometimes but kids need friends! We live in London which is not known as the friendliest place but we have made so many new connections through school etc.

The only thing i would say is that it has been more difficult with my daughter. Some of the girls mums only seem to do play dates amongst themselves but she still has them.

Op, I'd keep pushing. I very much doubt everyone is just racist. When is her birthday? Could you throw her a party and invite the parents to stay for a drink? Could you join the pTa and get to know some of them through that? Id also join as many activities in the local area we've made more friends through football and other clubs than from school

Remember settling in to a new area takes time. It will take time for you find your feet. Good luck! I'm sure you will get there

In my own experience, playdates are very much a thing.

Kids ARE busy and have clubs and hobbies, but there's alway space to squeeze a meet-up.

In my local schools, children are not allowed to go home until Y6, so parents still meet up at the gate for most of the school years. It's true that playdates are arranged a lot more between parents who are friends themselves, than with adults the parents don't know.

You could start by throwing a class party, where you will meet the parents and it will get easier. Around here, you don't drop and run at parties, it's very rude, so parents do chat.

I think this too, it's very sad to read. Yet another thing this new generation misses out on.

Of course they don't exist just to placate my daughter - what an inflated thing to suggest. I'm talking about basic politeness. Regarding playdate, all smiley faces but nothing came of it - why? She's now at school so wont see this friend again. She misses her and I was told by the other mum that there daughter missed our daughter. I have never suggested unaccompanied playdates, parent(s ) always welcome too, which I made clear.

I actually find it sad to read that some parents have posted on here that they are too busy - work, after-school clubs… what happened? To good old fashioned playdates? Just simple having tea around a friends house? I do think it's an opportunity lost and even if you can't reciprocate just be honest about this and provide cake or whatever! I don't know how friends I made with DS managed to do this and work, and yet many on here and perhaps many where I live are a different type of busy? Whats actually going on? Is it tech like someone who works with children noted, that parents who say they are busy are actually spending a lot of time on tech? Kids too? Is it a post covid thing? Or is it that I've just been unlucky and frankly some people are just not that nice?