Struggling to arrange playdates - is this the new normal?

[Sparklybutold]

We recently moved to Wales from England, and my DD started nursery and then school. Back when we lived in a city in England, playdates were a given—parents were generally easygoing, and arranging meetups for my DS was never a problem (prior covid). But here, it feels like I’m inviting people to a secret cult gathering whenever I suggest a playdate!

My DD regularly asks for her friends to come over, so I text other parents, but I either get ignored, cancelled on at the last minute, or told they have other plans—with no attempt to rearrange. It’s disheartening, and I’m wondering if others have noticed this change?

A friend who works with families mentioned that parents just don’t socialise at the school gates or at parties like they used to, blaming technology and the lingering effects of Covid. Another friend—who wasn’t born in the UK—said she often gets ignored and wondered if it was because she wasn’t British. She also suggested it might be because I’m English.

I've thought too many times maybe its because of me? But then why have I been so successful in the past but not here? I would get just one family, but its happening so many times now I'm wondering if there is a cultural element or a societal play date etiquette shift that I failed to get the memo!

What are other parents experiences? Especially if they've had kids either side of covid.

I have never suggested unaccompanied playdates, parent(s ) always welcome too, which I made clear.

Well there you go.
I have 3 dc. I WOTH.
As well as my dc having activities they do outside of school, so do dh and I.
Plus of course, we have to do all the humdrum shopping/cooking/clearing up/laundry/car maintaining/garden maintaining/ admin stuff/ appts at dentists and opticians and the like that everyone has to do.
I am definitely not going to prioritise time to go and sit in the house of a person I don't know to make small talk.
My dc started going to play at other people's houses (and invited their friends here) when they were old enough to go and play by themselves.

All the replies on this thread about parents working being too busy for play dates I find really sad! Kids need to play together surely. They’re only young once!

If your dc are attending Nursery, (as some of the posters on this thread are talking about) they have opportunities to play with other dc throughout the week. For many, that is all day, every day x 5 days a week.

Whats ‘woth’?

The list you've provided is not uncommon for alot of parents, yet I have found other parents willing whilst others have no interest. This of course is absolutely there choice. Although I do feel sad that I can't provide for my DD what my DS had in spades when he was her age, its the lack of follow through and just plain rudenessthat gripes me. I haven't just noted it, but my DS has too as he often picks us his sister from the bus stop and he notes how rude some of the parents can be, as in, they're just not friendly.

She's at school now.

I'm happy to read that a few posters have pointed this out as I agree! It is sad that simple playdates, simple playing, is becoming somehow too much to arrange, yet after-school activities and clubs seem to be taken on readily. I bet if you asked kids to choose between the two, they'd choose the playdate - so why is this being pushed aside with parents claiming they're too busy?

Hi OP

in not in Wales but I’ve experienced similar. One parent has stood us up and ignored our request for play date twice despite going on about how much their DC wants a play date every time we bump into them. I’ve had enough and will not be contacting them again which is a shame as our DC live each other.

I’ve found many parents at school just so unfriendly!

But they do play. At nursery, they played. At
school they play in after school club. It’s not like they’re not playing, they’re just not playing at their friends’ houses or their own house.

And as for the question about is it tech? No, it’s about working 40hr weeks and doing 10 hours of driving to get to work. It’s about fitting in structured activities that benefit and suit my children’s interests at the weekend, and giving them a chance to chill out at home. It’s the opportunity for me to see my friends and family. Where I am able, I will facilitate play dates but they’re not my main priority.

But my husband and I work for the military so move every two years or so, and sometimes the effort of it all can be overwhelming too.

It's not the same as 1:1 in a different setting, these are all different experiences that young children should have

If you book an after-school club, you don't just not turn up on the day, that's why.

After-school activities are not a chore or a punishment, the kids meet other friends there and have fun. They are not missing out on anything.

There's no lack of inset days, holidays and change of plans at work or other - still plenty of time for playdates.

Plus my kids in Primary seem to be invited to a birthday party pretty much every Saturday and Sunday afternoon! We kept clubs to the mornings only as much as possible, or it's impossible to juggle.

How do you know what children would prefer? I presume parents know their children and know what their children want to do and go with that? just becasue you have in your head you want playdates does not mean every child and parents wants them?

How do you know the parents have not asked their child ''do you want a play date with your child's name" and the child has said no?

My child did not do a lot of after school activities but we did other things, there were some play dates but not many as we went with what they wanted to do

Play dates are not a community service and just because parents have not done what you have decided toneeds to happen does not make them wrong you are coming across as a little intense on them anyway which would put me off as I would wonder what on earth you have going on

out of interest - what would you think I had going on?

Do you live in an area where kids play on the street/ green? If so, parents are used to letting kids play out with neighbourhood kids rather than organising play dates. Even at aged 5.
or
Do-you live in an area where everyone has a zillion organised clubs that they go to?
or
your child is reception age, many kids are completely whacked after a school day, parents may be more interested in a year or two (whe
you do t need to accompany them
or
do most children come from families with two wrong parents? These parents may be WFH, grab their kids from school and then continue working
or
they think you are posh and they are embattled to reciprocate
or they think that they are posh and you are not
or
You or DP work for a company or in a position that has really peeved the locals
or
Do you share the same name as a serial killer?. Seriously, maybe there is a rumour going round that your family is a risk to their children.

It’s quite disturbing to see so many posts about English people being unwelcomed by Welsh people.

I think your example of the cancelled playdate maybe you needed to reinvite? The other mum could have invited your DD over but it might have felt rude for her to say "Sorry Gwendoline was unwell last week but she can come to play with Popsy next Sunday at 10 o'clock".
Sometimes playdates are difficult to organise if your child's classmates have lots of siblings because parents need to arrange childcare for the others while accompanying playdater.

If I was the other family I would have come over to explain if I wasn't staying because I know how much this can mean to a young person

to be fair, I would not do such a thing. I am not justifying or explaining my moves, to a child or an adult, that's silly.

I leave the park or whatever place, I wave goodbye or nod. That's more than enough.

We're in London and play dates tend to happen most between families with only children, parents who need childcare swaps, or those with ft working parents with nannies (who I've seen facilitating parallel play dates with 3 dds).

We don't do many as I'm not keen on hosting and my dds are happy enough playing with each other.
I have 2 dds, at least one of whom is doing an after-school activity every day, we spend weekends as a family with paid-for events booked months ahead (usually sold out so no chance of another family joining at the last minute), and school holidays are spent going on holiday, visiting family, activity camps or family day trips out of London. They'd say they enjoy their clubs, holidays and family time more than just hanging around someone else's house.

This explains the difficulties in logistics really well.

I think what OP is also experiencing is what many people experience when they move to a new place - the loss of friends, family and social circle around them. The “starting from scratch” part where play dates are not just play dates but an attempt to make adult friends or build a new social circle with people who don’t need to do the same. This is what many of us expats and immigrants are experiencing. Trying to break through existing social circles and build a new life when you have the challenges of working and busy parents but also parents who are not looking for additional socialising because they prioritise their current friends. Trying to fit in with people who have known each other for years and whose kids are friends outside of school/nursery.

It’s not an easy place to be, it’s lonely and you often feel excluded and as if you are doing something wrong. I also have the additional challenge of coming from a completely different culture and having to learn the local social norms and school system. I would advise you to persevere…keep inviting kids and try organising class meet ups. It takes a lot of work and putting yourself out there. It’s taken me years but I have found some friendly mums and I have managed to build a social circle for my kids. I have found English people very guarded but once you get to know them, they are kind, welcoming and interested in other cultures, also very tolerant. I know you are in Wales, not England but I think the principle is the same. Best wishes to you, it takes time but it’s part of building a new life.

Wow. Only read page one but it’s tragic how parents think their kids playing with friends is their lowest priority.

Free play for children is really important. It’s completely different from formal, adult led activities.

Most kids can’t go out by themselves anymore and play in their neighborhood with friends as it’s ’not the done thing anymore’ . And it seems from this thread that most parents think play is valueless and can’t be bothered enabling it. Poor kids.

This is not a social change for the better.

My child has loads of playdates but not with kids from school. Majority of my friends have kids so we spend our evenings and weekends with them because they are our friends too. Kids play with their school friends 5 days a week.

The children I know mainly play with their friends at school then have other friends either in the neighbourhood who may go to different schools or from activities they chose to do

The playdates I know are more for the parents not the kids the kids just tag along when it works like that

Playdates were and are always easy and aplenty but I live in a London neighbourhood and we all live within walking distance of each other and so it feels really easy to squeezs them in, if not actually very convenient.
i can imagine if one lived more remotely then its a bit more of a faff logistics wise. Have you gone from urban to rural?

Maybe the areas you’ve lived before have been more affluent, with more parents being SAHM or working part time, or having flexibility in their work patterns.

I think in London we are also benefiting from having a variety of different people and cultures which makes people more open and willing to venture out of their comfort zone to make friends with “outsiders”. It’s one of the things I love about this city. Raising a family here has been great.

I get the impression parents today prefer to schedule paid activities rather than deal with the cooperation and human interaction that is required for reciprocal play dates. Yes work is an issue but it’s more about not wanting others in their houses. I do think it’s partly a post Covid thing

One play date consisted of it turned out a very bossy girl touching all my daughter's things without asking, constantly asking for snacks, and smelling to high heaven of some floral dryer sheets or fabric softener. A very unpleasant time was had by everyone other than overly-floral girl. My daughter declined going to her house in return. I got a headache from the scent.

Then there was the time my nursery-school age daughter was invited to go play at a friend's house and I completely didn't realize I was expected to stay, was too embarrassed to let on I'd had no idea, and had a baby with me as well but had no diapers or anything with me. I felt like an idiot for not knowing the rules and we stayed like an hour and bailed.

I've always felt like I must have missed the day they explained the rules. This is generally how things go for me in life in general.

So, I guess I'm saying nobody actually knows "the rules" and everybody assumes everybody else has the same expectations while the two parties may have vastly different ideas on what is supposed to happen, especially if two different cultures are involved.