Struggling to arrange playdates - is this the new normal?

[Sparklybutold]

We recently moved to Wales from England, and my DD started nursery and then school. Back when we lived in a city in England, playdates were a given—parents were generally easygoing, and arranging meetups for my DS was never a problem (prior covid). But here, it feels like I’m inviting people to a secret cult gathering whenever I suggest a playdate!

My DD regularly asks for her friends to come over, so I text other parents, but I either get ignored, cancelled on at the last minute, or told they have other plans—with no attempt to rearrange. It’s disheartening, and I’m wondering if others have noticed this change?

A friend who works with families mentioned that parents just don’t socialise at the school gates or at parties like they used to, blaming technology and the lingering effects of Covid. Another friend—who wasn’t born in the UK—said she often gets ignored and wondered if it was because she wasn’t British. She also suggested it might be because I’m English.

I've thought too many times maybe its because of me? But then why have I been so successful in the past but not here? I would get just one family, but its happening so many times now I'm wondering if there is a cultural element or a societal play date etiquette shift that I failed to get the memo!

What are other parents experiences? Especially if they've had kids either side of covid.

We were already set up at the water park, although its a splash pad. Its attached to a bigger play area. My daughter was riding her bike and noticed her friend.

This 💯

Really interesting insight. So maybe there is a cultural difference. I hadn't thought of schooling starting earlier and I definitely notice many families have extended family nearby. The one closest to me lives on the same street as the grandparents.

Oh ok. Sorry I was picturing them being at the park and then they were taking their child to waterworld or something.

How long have you been here OP now?. It’s been five years for us and I actually love South Wales now but it is a culture shock
and it’s under acknowledged, especially because the Newport/Cardiff area isn’t considered very Welsh so I think everyone expects it will be just like London/Bristol etc.

People are lovely here, honest, generous and there is a real sense of community once you get integrated (we’re in Newport) but in London we had long chats on the street with our neighbours and that doesn’t happen here, we’re all friendly but crossing that friendly barrier to actual friends is harder and I think that’s because people are more family focused but if like us you’ve got no family within 200 miles that can mean you feel quite left out.

Also depends on where you are even in South Wales. There’s a big new estate in Newport where most people are recent to the area and therefore out to make friends, ditto in the wealthier parts Rogerstone, Chepstow, parts of Cardiff, could think about changing schools to such an area if you’re close enough. There are also areas where everyone knows each other and you don’t have a hope of becoming part of the community for years.

I know the park you mean. I wonder if your daughter’s friend also thought you wouldn’t want their daughter invading your space while you were out. If you want a friendly play there, we’ll be happy to join you sometime,

Mine play in the street, I don't have the energy for play dates! Got 4 DC who have different stuff on through the week.

Where do you fit it in if you work, esp full time? After dinner? 🤔

I'm a SAHM and think some of the criticism here of two-working-parent households is pretty harsh. What are these parents supposed to do other than feel even more guilty? This is the way the world is. Most families need both parents out, working, to make ends meet. It's always been this way, women at home being economically unproductive is a blip.

OP I am an expat and had a similar experience to @LoveWine123 . I'm out of it now but at the time with my DD it was fine as we were all first time parents at the same time, and where I live women who work seem to see it as a badge of honour to tear themselves in two being amazing mums AND having amazing careers. I don't know how they do it! Personally, I don't think the children benefit from having a mum who is everything to everyone but herself - the opposite, in fact. I did easily 3/4 of the hosting and facilitating for the children my DD wanted to play with, because I could see how logistically nightmarish it was for those women and if I didn't do it my DD wouldn't have the playdates. (Of course, the menfolk had too important Big Jobs to concern themselves with such things 🙄).

My DS was less sociable, and with boys everything revolves around sports where we are. My DS loves all sports but was reluctant ever to try anything new as a young boy. So he didn't join the teams when all the sons of 2-working-parent-households were building social lives with afterschool team sports. By the time he was old enough to emerge from his shell, all those friendships were already solid and he felt shunned all over again. There was a time when he definitely felt left out, but with hindsight I think that was when he was finding his feet as a person. He's turned out to be a not-a-jock type, and has his own crowd. But I did have a phase of having to explain that the parents of those boys had outsourced everything to do with their child during their work hours to their nannies/babysitters, and the boys had no freedom to choose what they wanted to do. Rain or shine, tired or not, whatever the circumstances those nannies were paid to ferry those boys around to whichever activities their parents had signed them up for.

So, I guess I'm saying that if you're going to stay where you are (I'm quite familiar with where you are geographically: insular is the first word that springs to mind) you're going to have to build a world for your DC yourself. You will have to make the life you want for them. It gets easier as they get older. Do structured activities, do the bulk of the hosting without an expectation of a quid pro quo. Just make it work.

Why not - will message you 😊

In my experience as an outsider moving into an established community, we attended every class party we were invited to in Reception and hosted a full class birthday party too. We also hung out at the park nearest the school and got chatting to people there. Only 3 years later have we moved onto play dates, and quite often these will be a meet up at the park at a set time!

I think people are so busy and as they get older the children have lots of activities going on.

Wow. Only read page one but it’s tragic how parents think their kids playing with friends is their lowest priority.

What an utterly odd thing to have taken from this.
My dc have always had plenty of opportunities to play with other dc.
They have managed that without ever having "a playdate".
Pre-school they played with the other dc at the childminders, and also at the groups she took them too. They also played with our friends dcs when we got together. They played with their siblings. They played with other children at Church.
As they started school, all the above continued, and you can add in the other dc at breakfast club.
Then they started Beavers / Cubs / Scouts and had plenty more times to play.
Over the years, they would say 'Can Daniel / Phoebe / Nick / Sophie come round?' and we'd try and arrange it. Or they got invited to other friends' houses.

Really odd that you think parents who aren't having "playdates" on a weekly basis, have dc who don't get the chance to play.

Whats ‘woth’?

'Working outside the home' @Sparklybutold

All this 'so sad' stuff is nonsense. My own childhood was all about playing out so I do value free play but the reasons I don't have many school playdates at the weekend are because:

• we have tons of family friends. My children play with the children of my friends for hours and hours.
• my children get on really well with each other. I appreciate why only children might need more playdates but actually mine are happy in each others' company a lot of the time.
• we do interesting things like bike rides and picnics at the weekends. Not big expensive things but valuable family time.
• we visit family.

They're certainly not on any tech at all as a pp suggested. We do have the odd playdate but I don't think it's any more of an experience than what I'm providing my children already. Added to that, there are certain children who whinge or are poorly behaved - if you want to play at my house, you need to be polite and able to play without constant adult input! I'm therefore selective in who I invite.

But I did have a phase of having to explain that the parents of those boys had outsourced everything to do with their child during their work hours to their nannies/babysitters, and the boys had no freedom to choose what they wanted to do. Rain or shine, tired or not, whatever the circumstances those nannies were paid to ferry those boys around to whichever activities their parents had signed them up for.

Christ. What a bitchy comment.

Bitchy? What's bitchy about it? It's totally factual. These are my observations over almost 12 years (between them) of doing stuff for my DC after school and too young to do things independently, hours spent hanging around with said nannies and babysitters while DC did sports/dance/art/music etc.

Absolutely this!

My DC play all the time and are v low tech/low screen, even the older ones. But they mostly play with each other or the children of my friends or their cousins. We are lucky to live somewhere they play out a lot with neighbours too.

After school playdates are practically impossible due to work, after school clubs and evening sports on all fronts, plus the faff of school needing to know and remember who is going with who when. And then the other child is scared of the family chinchilla, won't eat any of your food and is mean to the toddler. And then you have to chat to a random school mum over a cup of tea whilst thinking of the 900 other things you should/could be doing....

No one needs to feel sad or sorry for my kids. They have friends, they play and have a lot of fun.

I am sorry that other parents would like more of the playdate action and I don't like to think that people feel left out or lonely. But im not sure any great friendships would be formed by the adults in these situations anyway?

bitchy because you have decided the kids had no say over their choice of activities. You don't know.

Bitchy because you pretend it's a negative and the children were suffering from doing so many activities instead of being at home.

No need to look down at people who are busy.

I can't comprehend people who have young kids and spend weekends in their pjs watching tv and doing nothing. Having no freedom to have fun activities, go outside, practice sport and clubs.

I haven't decided anything, and I literally do know - I am still friends, many years on, with some of the parents of these children. They got to choose between (say) football and tennis at the beginning of each semester, but they didn't get to choose between football/tennis and going straight home. I've heard with my own ears (not your "pretend" ones) nannies and babysitter telling whining children, complaining they're tired and their legs hurt (like all kids occasionally do when they want to get out of a physical activity!) that they're cold and they just want to go home only to be told that they can't because Daddy's got calls all afternoon. Kids would sit by the baseline all session, and the nannies (older women who work FT) and babysitters (young college students working a few hours a day) wouldn't force them to participate - because they're exhausted kids and all they have to do really is stay out of the house. I couldn't begin to count the number of times I encountered this over the years. And I don't think it's unusual for the community we're in (I don't live in the UK). There is still a whole network of nannies and babysitters who know which apartment buildings have playrooms, which have gyms, which have pools etc and make strategic friendships to deal with exactly this sort of thing.

I'm not looking down at anyone. The opposite, in fact. No lasting damage has been done to any of these children (in fact they were far more resilient at that age than mine were): it was the parents I felt bad for. Not a single one of them enjoyed not being able to give their kids the kind of freedom from scheduling that they (thought they) needed.

I don't know what your comment about pjs and tv is about.

Bitchy because you used this to "explain" to your DC why your parenting approach was soooo superior to those working parents trying their best to make sure their kids are looked after and can attend after school clubs. No amount of bemused smilies backtracks that one.

"Outsourcing" like it's an admin task they don't have the bandwidth for. Your medal is in the post.

Oh give over. I didn’t say I told my DC my parenting approach was “superior” because it wasn’t. I told my son this because he needed to understand that everyone has crap to deal with in their lives, not just him. It WAS crap for those kids some of the time. Just as it was crap for my kids some of the time. And of course the ferrying to/from activities and feeding of snacks and general looking after after school was outsourced: both parents were working! They couldn’t be in two/three places at the same time. Hardly a question of bandwidth.

FFs, why does everything have to descend into deliberate goady garbage like this. OP was talking about struggling to make play dates happen. My reply was to empathize as a mum in her shoes (sort of) some time ago, reassure her it won’t always be this way, and describe what I saw around me in a bid to make her feel - maybe - that it’s not her and shoes not doing anything wrong. Some families just can’t manage it. How has this become “you’re bitchy with your superior parenting superiority”? Sheesh.