To think that this rude comments/ remarks are very racist ?

[Olaolaolalola]

DS is in year 7 and goes to an independent school. He is new to school and has made many good friends. So DS was invited for a birthday party and was 3 hours late as he had a fixture at school.

While he was going to the party DS was sent number of audio records by a boy who was also invited to the party and was already at birthday boy’s home. In that audio I can hear boys laughing and 2 boys especially mocking and making rude and offensive remarks to my son.

I will phrase it to give you a better understanding of it. (We are of Asian descent and DS was born and brought up in London) I can hear 2 boys saying - “don’t come to the party, play cricket and go home and eat curry”,
”go to your mother and sit with her”. These 2 boys made entire 5 minutes audio mimicking Indian accent, calling my son from his nickname and shaming him for being called that and asking him not to come to party repeatedly and making fun of his haircut. Please note, none of the comments was made by birthday boy so other classmates asking him not to come doesn’t bother DS.

He is very bothered by the comments made by 2 friends about his ethnicity and parents. DS is emotionally and psychologically down. I can see he is broken and this incident had torn him down. As a mother I am furious to see my child sad and what trauma it had caused him. He has never faced this kind of racism/ situation in his entire life.

One of the 2 boys realised his mistake and is really sorry. I am happy that he realised his mistake and promised to be a better friend in future. I appreciate that. However I want to take this matter forward to school and let them handle this situation.

I think that the entire situation was highly racist and needs to be handled properly. What you all think ?

thanks

Well, you can still raise it with the school and mention that one of the boys who was involved has apologised - so the school will know that there has been some action taken, and what that action was. However it is important to note that the apology can from the other boy's parent - not from the child himself. We don't know enough about the child involved to know whether they will say one thing to get out of being in trouble at home, but behave a different way at school - my experience from teaching is that children can often have rather different ways of behaving when they are in different places, and some can be rather more easily peer pressured to say nasty things than others. The point is that the school needs to know for safeguarding reasons: if they don't know your child has been abused by racist kids then it's difficult for them to know they need to keep an eye to make sure he's okay/isn't being picked on by that group of kids.

Why would the school give him sanctions?
i'd kick up merry hell if the school tried to sanction my child for something that didn't happen at school.

It's a racist incident so report it to the police

I'm amazed that so many people think this is a police matter. It really isn't.

A lot of the time incidents outside school aren't something that parents should expect the school to address (I'm a teacher). But this one very much is. I do agree that the repentent friend shouldn't have to face the music all over again though. So I get why you might find it awkward, OP.

It didn't happen in school though. Teachers cannot police everything.

I haven't read the FF, OP, only your posts.

I think if it were me in this case, I would probably leave it for now. But keep the video.

In general I have found with children in the teen years, there can be quite a lot of drama. My eldest two are girls, so far more interpersonal drama than you can possibly imagine. I think it's very limited what parents or schools can do to help with this, especially with girls who can be so sophisticated.

Boys are a little differernt, more crude in their stupid behaviour. But they will do it, and what you describe sounds very much like the kinds of stupid things boys seem to do.

I think the racism element is probably a red herring. I would guess it's a combination of these boys saying what they knew would push your sons buttons, and wanting to say the kinds of "bad" things they know not to say. Racist comments now are the thing all kids are told are most horrible, so just like in the old days when kids would say irreligious things on purpose, a lot of boys seem to default to racist comments. I don't think in a lot of these cases it actually has much if anything to do with their real views.

The one boy who apologised obviously knows it was wrong and feels badly. I think that's typical with boys of that age, they get caught up in being stupid in the moment and make bad decisions. I imagine the other boy also knows. Perhaps he doesn't care, or is too scared to apologise.

Would a lot be gained by going to the school rather than leaving it be? It's not clear to me that it would, and it would certainly put the boy who did apologise in a difficult spot. As long as it doesn't continue, I would leave it. If this other boy does continue then I would take action and bring the problem to the school, and just let them know your son worked things out on his own with the one boy who apologised after the fact. (Which is a really good thing btw, it's really the ideal outcome for kids making bad decisions that they manage the problem and move on.)

I agree, whilst the racist comments were wrong, why turn up to a party three hours late? If he couldn't attend within a reasonable time, then he may as well have just said he couldn't make it.

Because that, of course, is the main thing here. The deflection from the racism here is breathtaking.

Speak to the school Op and demand something is done. That’s really heartbreaking to read.

Nobody is using that to deflect.

I’ve explained it already why he was late in above comments. The reason I allow him to go late is because firstly it’s his friend’s birthday party and DS really wanted to go. It lasted for 7 hours, so even if he’s late for 2-3 hours, he still has 4-5 hours to enjoy with them.

I agree with this. Boys really can do Stupid behaviours at the heat of the moment sometimes. The fact that the boy realised his mistake and apologise is a good thing and should be given a second chance to prove himself.

They most certainly are. Not to mention a side helping of “boys will be boys”

I would still take it to the school. You can let them know that the one boy has genuinely apologised. They will deal with him differently than they will the one who has not apologised. They most definitely need to be aware because they need to keep an eye on things in school so it doesn't escalate there.

What are you expecting a school to 'do' about an incident that didn't take place in school?

If there's bullying going on they should be made aware, but it's not for them to deal with. If a school tried to punish my child for something that happened at a birthday party, the punishment simply wouldn't happen.

So if your child was behaving like a racist you would prefer that the police dealt with him and not the school?….interesting

I've seen comments mentioning it, none using it to deflect.

I mean, the comments you're quoting there in the history bit literally deflects from it, and a poster explains why so why pretend it doesn't? 🙄
Yes 3 hours late is rude - it has absolutely nothing to do with the subject though which is the racist abuse the OP was subject to by these kids and what they should do about it.

They're all acknowledging the racism too.

What, and the police have loads of time on their hands?

i personally wouldn’t involve the police for a first offence, as I wouldn’t want to criminalise a 12 year old if he could be responsive to being educated. And that’s what school is for. But no second chances admittedly

For those saying this has nothing to do either schools, this is a Government document on bullying in schools

www.gov.uk/bullying-at-school/bullying-outside-school

It's not just boys that bully.
There are a few stereotypes coming out in this thread.

I am baffled by people focussing on the lateness-the kid had a fixture and a broken down coach and presumably his mother was in touch with the host mother about it-what was he supposed to do-fly?

But in this case it was. More deflection.

I am not sure you know what deflection means.

People are always going to be racist, I'd focus on teaching your son to be proud of his heritage. It'll probably be hard when he's young, but hopefully he will feel better about it as he gets older and more confident. Teach him some good comebacks