Page 6 | So much negativity on social media about having children

2025isavibe · 2025-05-17T21:35:50+00:00

I feel like all over Instagram/Facebook/tiktok is negatively about having children - your body looks worse and will never look the same/as good - you are exhausted all the time - you will never have any time to do anything - you will do all the mental load and your partner will do nothing which you will massively resent him for As someone in their 30s fairly sure they don't want kids, it just enforces and backs up this feeling

ShiftySquirrel · 18/05/2025 13:06

It's just the algorithms making sure you see more content of what you've already engaged with.

My FB feed is full of babies doing funny things, hair hacks, weird ways to wear shirts and how to do make up so your face doesn't look old!

None of that means I want a baby (teens here), nor can I do a decent updo, nor rock an unusually buttoned shirt, and my face looks old whatever I do.

Don't sweat it. Make life choices based on what you want, not the content SM sends your way.

NJLX2021 · 18/05/2025 15:18

KimberleyClark · 18/05/2025 07:50

Having children is not a guarantee that you will not be lonely in old age. Plenty of people have children and end up lonely and isolated because their children emigrate or just don’t give a shit about them. Plenty of older people without children are less lonely than you would think because they’ve put more effort into maintaining wider social networks rather than relying on their children for company.

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You are right.

In the same way that having children isn't a guarantee of the bad things that the op mentioned.

NJLX2021 · 18/05/2025 15:48

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 18/05/2025 11:42

Almost all isolated old people have children.

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No?

Plenty of research shows that financial, emotional and social care given by family correlates strongly with deceased isolation in the elderly e.g.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11036867/

Maybe you are just making an absolute numeric point that there are more isolated elderly people with family than without? Which is likely true, but not because having a family isn't good...

But rather because back when the elderly people today were having children, the childless rate was around 12%, so the vast majority 88% of today's elderly population have or had children.

Not to mention that those without children die younger on average. Which will also leave a higher % of the isolated elderly being those with children..
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28292784/

Even taking all of that into account "almost all" is an unjustifiable exageration, and a highly misleading claim.

The effect of intergenerational support from children on loneliness among older adults-the moderating effect of internet usage and intergenerational distance - PMC

Loneliness is a key social and public health issue, mainly affecting the mental health of older adults. The article aimed to explore the influence of intergenerational support from children on loneliness among older adults. Meanwhile, the article ...

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11036867/

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 18/05/2025 15:54

NJLX2021 · 18/05/2025 15:48

No?

Plenty of research shows that financial, emotional and social care given by family correlates strongly with deceased isolation in the elderly e.g.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11036867/

Maybe you are just making an absolute numeric point that there are more isolated elderly people with family than without? Which is likely true, but not because having a family isn't good...

But rather because back when the elderly people today were having children, the childless rate was around 12%, so the vast majority 88% of today's elderly population have or had children.

Not to mention that those without children die younger on average. Which will also leave a higher % of the isolated elderly being those with children..
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28292784/

Even taking all of that into account "almost all" is an unjustifiable exageration, and a highly misleading claim.

Edited

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What are you on about? The vast majority of isolated elderly people have children, as your rambling demonstrates. That's neither exaggerated or misleading.

Monqwi · 18/05/2025 16:24

@NJLX2021 how do you think all this makes infertile people feel? You’re basically telling me that i will be too tired to do any travelling, all my friends will have lovely lives and will pretty much ignore me, I’ll be isolated from everyone, I’ll have no social life, I’ll die younger….

I have had people tell me that it’s “different” for people who wanted kids but couldn’t have them. But let’s face it that’s just bollocks. I actually think pretty regularly about leaving my husband so he can meet someone else while he’s still able to have kids. I don’t want him to be lonely and miserable and die young. I think about how much better his life would be in the long run if I wasn’t here anymore. So thanks for reminding me how much worse his life will be for making the error in marrying an infertile woman.

NJLX2021 · 18/05/2025 16:36

Monqwi · 18/05/2025 16:24

@NJLX2021 how do you think all this makes infertile people feel? You’re basically telling me that i will be too tired to do any travelling, all my friends will have lovely lives and will pretty much ignore me, I’ll be isolated from everyone, I’ll have no social life, I’ll die younger….

I have had people tell me that it’s “different” for people who wanted kids but couldn’t have them. But let’s face it that’s just bollocks. I actually think pretty regularly about leaving my husband so he can meet someone else while he’s still able to have kids. I don’t want him to be lonely and miserable and die young. I think about how much better his life would be in the long run if I wasn’t here anymore. So thanks for reminding me how much worse his life will be for making the error in marrying an infertile woman.

Adopt?

Honest answer though is it sucks? I'm sorry, but most of us have something in our life that is just unfair. Someone close, or us, with a disability, disadvantage etc. That makes life not fair. I'm sure most of the mum's on here have something that they wish was fixable in their life, but just isn't.

Hiding from reality won't solve anything, as painful as reality is for many of us.

Going to a thread that is about the disadvantages of having children (nothing to do with infertility...) and expecting people to not state facts about the benefits of children in case it upsets someone who cannot have children, isn't reasonable.. as sorry as I feel for your situation.

Ginghamsheep · 20/05/2025 10:26

NJLX2021 · 18/05/2025 06:10

Not to mention that you should be very thankful for those who do have children.

Accepting that it is as horrible as you think it might be...then all of those mum's are doing you a huge favor.

You want to grow old in a functional society right? With transportation, power, medical care, etc?

Who do you think is going to give you that?

It's all those other mum's children. It's their upaid and unappreciated labour that will keep society functioning for "child free" people to live in. Their kids will care for you, when you are old, and will create the world you will live in.

It is in a broader societal way, a quite selfish decision to not have children, because it means that you are happy to rely on others sacrifices. And not put in the contribution yourself to create the next generation that we all need.

Your posts are really awful and hurtful to those of us who, for no fault of our own, are unable to have children.

KimberleyClark · 20/05/2025 10:36

Ginghamsheep · 20/05/2025 10:26

Your posts are really awful and hurtful to those of us who, for no fault of our own, are unable to have children.

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It’s what I’ve come to expect from Mumsnet sadly.

Ginghamsheep · 20/05/2025 10:39

Laoise542 · 18/05/2025 07:59

I agree with this. I mean I'm glad I am a mum but I work in Older adult social work and really can't see much difference in lonlieness in those adults that don't have children and those that do. In fact some of the least lonely elderly adults I've met have been ones that have been actively engaged in their communities and built up connections that way. It's the adults that have completely absorbed themselves into their nuclear families and then realise their children have their own families, jobs and have moved away or have busy lives that are the most lonely.

I remember having a wobble about having an only child and them and myself being lonely and a wise counsellor told me "it's the absence of community not family that makes people lonely" and I 100% believe that to be true and see it every day in my work.

Basing your view on whether to have kids on a social media post is daft but equally having kids because of some belief they'll prevent lonlieness or they will be there for you when you're elderly is equally ridiculous.

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Thank you for posting this. It's quite reassuring for me as someone who isn't able to have children and is an only child herself.

ginasevern · 20/05/2025 11:06

@Laoise542

"I work in Older adult social work and really can't see much difference in lonlieness in those adults that don't have children and those that do. In fact some of the least lonely elderly adults I've met have been ones that have been actively engaged in their communities and built up connections that way. It's the adults that have completely absorbed themselves into their nuclear families and then realise their children have their own families, jobs and have moved away or have busy lives that are the most lonely."

I absolutely agree with this. I work with the elderly too and actually the least lonely and more content people are those without children. They've generally enjoyed an interesting life with greater social connections, travel and hobbies and their marriages (if both are surviving) seem closer and stronger because of it. I've seen no difference in the mortality rate for those with or without children either.

Ginghamsheep · 20/05/2025 11:20

ginasevern · 20/05/2025 11:06

@Laoise542

"I work in Older adult social work and really can't see much difference in lonlieness in those adults that don't have children and those that do. In fact some of the least lonely elderly adults I've met have been ones that have been actively engaged in their communities and built up connections that way. It's the adults that have completely absorbed themselves into their nuclear families and then realise their children have their own families, jobs and have moved away or have busy lives that are the most lonely."

I absolutely agree with this. I work with the elderly too and actually the least lonely and more content people are those without children. They've generally enjoyed an interesting life with greater social connections, travel and hobbies and their marriages (if both are surviving) seem closer and stronger because of it. I've seen no difference in the mortality rate for those with or without children either.

This is good to hear too, thank you. I'd like to hope that if I try to live intentionally and be a nice person, that I won't be entirely isolated in my old age. I'm also hoping to move to a retirement village, starting in their independent living section and then moving through different levels of care as / if needed. I do worry a lot though, and threads like these don't help at all. It's almost like I can feel some posters willing for those without children to be sad / lonely / die early.

Laoise542 · 20/05/2025 12:21

Ginghamsheep · 20/05/2025 11:20

This is good to hear too, thank you. I'd like to hope that if I try to live intentionally and be a nice person, that I won't be entirely isolated in my old age. I'm also hoping to move to a retirement village, starting in their independent living section and then moving through different levels of care as / if needed. I do worry a lot though, and threads like these don't help at all. It's almost like I can feel some posters willing for those without children to be sad / lonely / die early.

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None of us can predict what old age will look like for any of us. Some of us won't need care, some of us won't even make it to old age anyway! All we can do is just try and live the best life we can now and build connections and make friends as we can go along. And it's never too late to make new friends. My mum retired at 65, started volunteering and met a whole new group of friends that she has been on holiday with and regularly has boozy lunches with!

It's very easy to go google and find studies that will support your view point. I've just had a quick Google myself and found links to studies that show not having children doesn't mean you will be less isolated and lonely as you get older.

I've met plenty of clients who have children and families that are isolated or have families living in different countries. It isn't a guarantee that having children is going to make you less lonely as you get older, everyone's individual circumstances are different.

Ginghamsheep · 20/05/2025 13:41

Laoise542 · 20/05/2025 12:21

None of us can predict what old age will look like for any of us. Some of us won't need care, some of us won't even make it to old age anyway! All we can do is just try and live the best life we can now and build connections and make friends as we can go along. And it's never too late to make new friends. My mum retired at 65, started volunteering and met a whole new group of friends that she has been on holiday with and regularly has boozy lunches with!

It's very easy to go google and find studies that will support your view point. I've just had a quick Google myself and found links to studies that show not having children doesn't mean you will be less isolated and lonely as you get older.

I've met plenty of clients who have children and families that are isolated or have families living in different countries. It isn't a guarantee that having children is going to make you less lonely as you get older, everyone's individual circumstances are different.

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Thank you, that's very reassuring to hear.