So much negativity on social media about having children

[2025isavibe]

I feel like all over Instagram/Facebook/tiktok is negatively about having children

• your body looks worse and will never look the same/as good
• you are exhausted all the time
• you will never have any time to do anything
• you will do all the mental load and your partner will do nothing which you will massively resent him for

As someone in their 30s fairly sure they don't want kids, it just enforces and backs up this feeling

Having children is not a guarantee that you will not be lonely in old age. Plenty of people have children and end up lonely and isolated because their children emigrate or just don’t give a shit about them. Plenty of older people without children are less lonely than you would think because they’ve put more effort into maintaining wider social networks rather than relying on their children for company.

So don’t then? Case closed.

If you wanted to, you could use your critical thinking skills to explore whether what you see on social media is a well rounded and in depth view or not. Talk to parents you know in real life. But it’s totally fine if you’ve decided not to have kids, so probably not worth exploring, if it’s already decided.

I am 35 and have 3 kids, it’s awesome! Yes I’m very busy but to me that’s not a bad thing at all.

People always say if you don't want kids don't have them. I'm not convinced by that, the people I know who have struggled most with parenthood were those who were absolutely convinced it's what they wanted but had a Disneyfied view of parenthood. Those that considered not having children because of the hard work but did it anyway were better prepared for the utter exhaustion of early parenthood.

I was ambivalent about having children, DH was very keen (this isimportant, it meant he pulled his weight). We didn't have them until our late 30s but then had 3DC. They are now teenagers and they are fabulous. Having your first child is like being hit by a bus but they get more and more interesting and enjoyable to be around with every year. Preschool is drudgery, primary school are the golden years, secondary school is when they start becoming your best friends. My eldest is now 17 and my DC are my favourite people to spend time with and I'm already dreading the day they go off to university and we no longer see each other every day.

I agree with this. I mean I'm glad I am a mum but I work in Older adult social work and really can't see much difference in lonlieness in those adults that don't have children and those that do. In fact some of the least lonely elderly adults I've met have been ones that have been actively engaged in their communities and built up connections that way. It's the adults that have completely absorbed themselves into their nuclear families and then realise their children have their own families, jobs and have moved away or have busy lives that are the most lonely.

I remember having a wobble about having an only child and them and myself being lonely and a wise counsellor told me "it's the absence of community not family that makes people lonely" and I 100% believe that to be true and see it every day in my work.

Basing your view on whether to have kids on a social media post is daft but equally having kids because of some belief they'll prevent lonlieness or they will be there for you when you're elderly is equally ridiculous.

None of it is true for me.

Body much the same. No worse than any of the child-free people that I know.

Not exhausting for very long

They were hard work for about 1-2 years but a lot less hard work than the first 2 years of my main job and my children were a lot more enjoyable.

Maternity leave gave me time to think about my career and change it for the better.

DH pulls his weight and we both completely love our children which creates an additional bond.

We do lots of stuff. I don’t feel like I have missed out on anything. They have opened up opportunities that I wouldn’t have otherwise have explored.

They grow up very fast and most of their lives they are adults. The relationship with my mum is one of the most important relationships that I have in my life and vice versa.

I realise that it isn’t like this for everyone but the vast majority of parents, that I know, love having children.

People always say if you don't want kids don't have them. I'm not convinced by that, the people I know who have struggled most with parenthood were those who were absolutely convinced it's what they wanted but had a Disneyfied view of parenthood.

People who don't want children not having children sounds entirely sensible. Plenty of people who do want them recognise it won't be plain sailing, can see what you mean about people who don't do this and assume it's sunshine and rainbows.

Well, I dont agree that this is all true, generalisations generally arent.

• your body looks worse and will never look the same/as good

Depends on how you look after it. I go running daily, lift weights and eat fairly clean - my body actually looks better and more toned now that it did in my 20s when I lived on a student diet of Pinot Grigio and pot noodles. Equally, I know people without kids who are very out of shape - no judgement of course, but I believe our bodies are usually the result of how we treat them.

*you are exhausted all the time

Yes, this is absolutely true when they are babies - it is exhausting getting up in the night, but it doesnt last more than a year or two when they start sleeping through and become more independent.

• you will never have any time to do anything

This one is just silly isn't it? I started a business from scratch when my kids were 10 and 12 and now employ over 50 people. The idea that parents are doomed to a life of "not doing anything" is very silly. Kids dont stay kids forever- they, you know....grow up.

• you will do all the mental load and your partner will do nothing which you will massively resent him for

Depends entirely on whether you are married to a dick head or not doesnt it? I know women without kids who are in relationships with arsehole men so not having kids isnt going to protect you from the chances of this happening. Thankfully, my DH isnt like this so this isnt true for us.

I find it true but I have 2 small kids 19m apart with no family nearby. And I'm the sort of person who likes space and quiet time so it is all very overwhelming. Others will have a different experience.

My body bounced back after 1st but not 2nd but I think that's because I was very slim and now we're eating more kid-friendly bread and pasta and I don't have time to go for walks like I used to. I was chronically exhausted for a year or so with each baby. Having so much all the time does challenge a relationship.

It's worth it though. They're hard work but they're cute and funny and sweet. I feel really lucky that I'm the person they want most in the world. I feel more focused in my life because of them. Previously I floated through a lot more.

Of course it’s not a guarantee, and yes people more involved in the community and making an effort with friends will mean they hopefully won’t be lonely in old age, but having children generally does mean unconditional love and therefore family around when older, and often grandchildren (though not a given). When my grandma was very old it was family who was around to help, keep her company and take her out as although she was very social her friends were also elderly by then and unable to help and be around. It was that which kept her going and stopped her from being lonely.

So everyone should have children as an insurance policy then?

Having children looks like utter hell on earth to me - there is just nothing about it that looks even remotely appealing. However, that view has nothing to do with social media and everything to do with my own feelings and what I see in real life.

I think if you really want children, nothing you see on social media will put you off, whereas if you're a bit undecided, you're probably more likely to be swayed by what you see online.

No of course not, what a strange way to look at it. I’m just pointing out some of the positives of having children to balance the negatives in the OP. Yes there’s hard parts of having children but there’s also many, many positives, this being one of them.

I definitely think there’s a movement which is anti patenting. You don’t even need to go on social media, just talk to people 25-35, so many of them say they don’t want children (too expensive, want time to ‘adventure’, too many people on the planet already etc)

I think it’s really sad. I really do.

You don’t even need to take my word for it, look at the declining birth rates, people aren’t having kids

Why is it sad?

Having children is not a guarantee that you will not be lonely in old age

Neither is relying on neighbours or this mythical "community" to look after you. My nan was 94 when she died and all her friends had died 20 years prior to her. Thankfully she had us but if she didnt, she would have been completely alone.

My Instagram is all the joys of motherhood and large families because that is what I engage with and enjoy. You will always find affirming content online.

If you fancy reading or hearing about motherhood from a totally different perspective, give the book Hannah's Children a read/listen!

When you read some of the threads on here by younger parents you can see why though.

They’re making their own existence miserable. Totally anxious about ‘following the rules’, scared to even leave their baby in another room on its own or - heaven forbid - hear it cry for a few minutes. They’re sacrificing their own sleep, health and well-being when they don’t have to.

Then other women see this (and the terrible behaviour of children out and about) and it puts them off.

I really think so much of the negativity is caused by the way people parent these days.

Edited to add - there was even a thread by a pregnant woman who was beside herself with worry because she’d eaten a blackberry!

Quite. What is sad about people not having children they don’t want? Not half as sad as people having children through lack of choice, which was the case in the past.

I agree with this. Had one child late in life, has bee n hard but brilliant, still enjoy life, do lots. My DH does 50 percent, sometimes more sometimes less, we adjust as life changes. But I wanted a child. Would have had another but not possible.

What's mythical about a community?

My social media is the opposite - constant posts about how amazing kids are and how we should treasure every second. There’s a lot of hashtag making memories everywhere I look.

You’re not getting a representative set of opinions, you’re getting the opinions that the algorithm thinks will keep you watching.

What I would say is I was desperate for children, always knew I wanted them, had an absolutely overwhelming need for a baby. I love my kids and obviously wouldn’t change them.

But now that I know how hard it all is, if I was somehow magically reincarnated and got to have another life but keep these memories, I wouldn’t have more kids.

So it’s something I’d say you shouldn’t do unless you’re absolutely 100 percent sure you want to and have the right support in place.

Apart from Point 4, I have found the rest of the list to be quite accurate with regards to what having children is like.

I have two children and adore them…..but if I got the chance to live my life again I would go down the child-free life.

I know a few couples who chose not to have children and they certainly have a more energetic and exciting lifestyle than those of us with children do 🤣

There isn't any mythical about it. Support cones in all forms. I see this every day in my work and having worked day in day out with older people in the community who have all sorts of backgrounds, this idea that family and children will prevent you from being lonely is just ridiculous.

Have children because you want them or not but no one can predict how their elder lives will be and it should never be something that you base having children on.

You will be exhausted AND happy.

And in my experience, the more children you have the easier it gets.

I think motherhood is hard and beautiful and the whole human experience rolled in to one but you do need to lean in to it.

My body is different but I don't care, I eat well because I'm making good food for my family anyway, and it tends to be around 18mo when I start getting back to exercising.

Some days I'm bone tired, but most days I'm fine! You get used to it and those sleepless years are short.

I have time to do lots of things! But the things are different now. You can integrate your children in to your life or you can treat them as some separate entity that's 'taking you away' from things you want to be doing without them.

Choose the right man to have children with and your struggles with the division of labour will be minimal! I knew I wanted to be a SAHP for at least the first 5 years of my kids lives and I made sure to find someone who was on board. We discussed how and what we were going to be responsible for before we had kids and as life changes we discuss and update!

You will be exhausted AND happy.

There's absolutely no guarantee of that.