So much negativity on social media about having children

[2025isavibe]

I feel like all over Instagram/Facebook/tiktok is negatively about having children

• your body looks worse and will never look the same/as good
• you are exhausted all the time
• you will never have any time to do anything
• you will do all the mental load and your partner will do nothing which you will massively resent him for

As someone in their 30s fairly sure they don't want kids, it just enforces and backs up this feeling

They can be true but also it’s what make out if it. The body part I find not true. The rest, yes you’re exhausted for a few years and feel like crap constantly. But it’s all a phase and you move through them. I also didn’t want kids- not influenced by social media but by my babysitting experience. When I was in my late 30s for me the question was what I’ll regret more in 10,20,30 years- having a kid or not. I figured I’d like to experience parenthood. I love my kid to death and at the same time I’m glad I’ll never have to do any of it again.

No one can say because everyone's experiences are different based on various factors and what you want out of life; some people would be miserable if they had children regardless of anything else because it's just not for them. Generally if you aren't sure/have any doubts I'd say don't have them!

My personal opinion is that one of the main factors affecting a woman's experience of motherhood is how decent of a dad and how decent of a support their partner is to them. I haven't seen this sort of content on social media but going by your points my personal experience (which will differ from everyone elses):

• your body looks worse and will never look the same/as good

i always hated my body growing up- tall and gangly but I felt beautiful for the first time during pregnancy and appreciate my body now which has made me feel far more confident. That said, I have seen a lot of friends and family struggle with their changing body, some women unfortunately have birth injuries etc which affects them sometimes for life also.

• you are exhausted all the time

I was when DS was a baby, but i was on maternity leave so didnt have to juggle working as well- DH also did his share which helped. I guess it's tiring still now more so than if I didn't have a child, but I think being an adult in general is often exhausting! I certainly don't remember feeling refreshed and well rested all of the time before having him.

*you will never have any time to do anything

Logically this doesn't make much sense, you have the same amount of time still, but obviously the content of what you do changes. I have a hobby I do a few times a week and most weekends in the summer, see my friends regularly, do a job i love and we do lots of lovely things as a family or i do them with just DS; this isn't possible if you have a useless partner or necessarily if you end up single. Lots of things I did growing up like clubbing (which i could do now if I wanted to tbf) i grew out of a few years before having DS, whilst there are certainly compromises on my time there's not much really I can't ever do that I want to. I also really enjoy doing stuff with DS- but for some childrens type stuff would be a nightmare!

• you will do all the mental load and your partner will do nothing which you will massively resent him for

Again stems back to having a decent partner. I'd say I (irrationally) worry about some stuff more, but DH is more organised than me and due to working patterns does more school drop offs etc. It is true though lots of women get left to it and decent men can turn useless after having a child so not always easy to predict.

I never see anything like this. Social media use algorithm so the more you look at something the more you will see it.

You can find 4 negative bullet point on practically anything. Yes there are some challenges that come with having children but what's hard to put into words is the wonderfulness of it. I have three and my youngest is 18 months. Tough as it can be, I want to freeze time and stay in this mum to young children phase.

Priorities change and things seemed important - toned stomachs and a good night's sleep - become insignificant.

All those statements are true though!

I feel like telling people the truth is better than pretending it will be all sunshine and roses!

Having kids is mainly pretty hard, and the impact is more on the mum than the dad. It's much better to make an informed decision about whether you want them. I wanted kids despite this, and I'd never change it, but at least I wasn't surprised by the impact it had.

I think this is a good thing, I had no idea what I was in for and neither did most people I know. As an example yes I realised that babies cry and keep you up, so I assumed that was for around a year. Yet now I learn it can be many years, there was a thread yesterday where a 12 year old was still coming in their parents room at night. Yes I knew childbirth would hurt, that's obvious. I had no idea it could rip everything including your arsehole. I could go on. Best to be informed prior to getting pregnant I think! Mental load was only a term I learned after having a baby, all my new mum friends were like omg that thing we were talking about it's an actual thing. My mum group are a group of intelligent, professionals in their mid thirties. Yet we were all clueless AF!

I voted YABU, but not because people might be very negative about being pregnant. You may very well be right about that.

I think you are being unreasonable to be on social media at all. (Yes, I know I am a hypocrite, as Mumsnet is social media too, although discussion forums used to not be.) But algorithms on social media are deliberately written to keep you on it as long as possible. The indirect result is that it feeds to a lot of content to make you angry or scared, because that it what keeps eyeballs and "engagement".

Strangers on the internet can’t answer this for you. And you sound quite immature tbh.

Having my kids is the best thing I’ve ever done. And I’ve done lots of amazing things. Noting worthwhile is a walk in the park. But I always wanted my children and can’t imagine not having them.

But I have no idea if you should have kids op. It’s of course 100% your call.

Ha social media isn't known for being the most balanced and rational source of information 😂

Yes, you're tired all the time. But I'm also excited to go on trips and spend time with the two best little people in my life - of course that's tiring. So is a day out seeing museums, going to the theatre and having dinner - but it's not a bad sort of tired.

Would it help to have a bullet point list of the great things about having kids op, so you can compare?

My body, life … everything is broken since having children, but they are my world, they make me happy, smile, laugh, they’re my right and left arm. If you don’t want children, fine, if you do, watching people on sm, known for being negative and not-real-life anyway, might not be a great idea!!

When I had dc there wasn't much negative press about it, it wouldn't have stopped me having them, but perhaps the negatives wouldn't have been such a shock if I'd known about them.

The body thing is rubbish though. I used to have hangups about my body that disappeared after having dc. I started to appreciate it much more, it had grown and fed two humans!

Totally agree with all of this.

I think part of the problem is that we’ve developed a culture of what I call ‘mum martyrs’ who seem to think they have to give up their whole lives to their children.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

My body wasn’t ruined by having kids — far from it. I look after myself and am the same weight as before kids (8 stone), toned. I look better than a lot of people 20 years younger who haven’t had kids to be honest.

We shared the childcare and domestic duties. Non-negotiable. The kids all have jobs around the house and always have done to share the load.

I had a sleep routine which meant they slept through the night at 11, 9 and 12 weeks respectively.

I arranged my career around my kids, stayed at home looking after them for about 7 years (working a tiny amount freelance to keep my hand in) then went back into a senior role 3 days a week. I’m now earning 70k.

I have a wide and lovely friendship group who I’ve practically raised my children with. Friends for life.

Most importantly, I’ve had the joy of seeing my children grow as people, guiding through some very tough times, connecting with them more than with anyone else on the planet and seeing them succeed and excel.

I won’t be alone in old age because they are there for me, and hopefully one day I will have the joy of grandchildren!

I chose how I raised my kids and I didn’t lose myself in it. The narrative these days is very different — perhaps that’s what you’re hearing and why the birth rate is falling.

I think some of it is to do with women having too many kids/kids with different men/are martyrs. I have to admit that when I used to do school run some women looked horrendous but I suspect they just didn’t bother looking after themselves in general, lots were overweight, scruffy, aged badly..I don’t know any childless women who looked as awful

I love my life.

Ps op nobody can tell you whether you want kids and there are posts after posts of people on mn who have huge regrets having them, in some cases people whose whole life was actually about having them.

My eldest is doing his leaving cert here in Ireland, he doesn’t study and I don’t know what to say to all the people who ask is he so stressed. I’m at my wits end over that BUT he is a chatty, hilarious, friendly guy who makes most people he meets smile. He’ll do fine for himself. Societal expectations are bullshit. People need to figure out what makes them happy, as do you x

I have 2 small kids (one of whom has additional needs - may alter things). In my experience the first 3 points are completely true. But it’s just something you have to accept for a while for the benefits DC bring.

I think the first is untrue. My body was at it's absolute best between DC1 & DC2 aged 29. It's age not having DCs.

Some of it is true yes, you’ll be tired and not have as much time for yourself, but some relies on how good a partner you have. I get some time to myself and don’t me on all the mental load as my DH does a lot and is a great father and husband.

It also only shows one side of it, the negative side of having kids, it doesn’t show the positives which for me outweigh the negatives. The love you feel for you child is completely different from anything else, and I’m so grateful I get to experience it. Having a busy happy household surrounded by people you love and who love you, always there to do things with, getting to see them grow and learn is so amazing, the love they have for you unconditionally, and hopefully having a loving family when you’re old. I wouldn’t change what I have with my DCs, having them was the best thing I’ve done and has changed my life for the better.

Don't take advice from Social Media.

All true points
but I would still do it again rather than be childfree by choice

I think the experience entirely depends on:

1. How easy your baby/child is
2. How much your partner does
3. How much support you get (eg 'hands on' grandparents)
4. How much of a natural mother you are (some people are just naturally great and born to be mothers and love every minute)

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being childfree, it's a completely valid choice but I wouldn't be basing it on a social media post.

I have a 3 year old. My body pretty much went back to normal after birth and I was in my pre maternity clothes about a month afterwards.

The first few months can be tiring but I work full time now and generally don't feel any more tired than I did pre child. I am not keeling over with exhaustion. I tend to get 8-9 hours sleep a night. I have time to see friends, go on weekends away, clean my house etc. My husband shares the mental load and I really don't feel overwhelmed by things.

In fact I don't recognise anything from your post that relates to my situation and most of my friends with kids feel the same as I do. As I said there is nothing wrong with not having children but if the only reason you're not doing it is based on the posts on social media, then that is something else. There will be plenty of other posts that balance those ones out.

If you don't want children, then yes, you probably would have a more miserable life if you had children.

For those of us who were absolutely sure we wanted children (and were realistic about what that would look like) and who are in happy marriages/relationships, then no, it's not true.

Specifically:

• My body looks the same as it did before, except for a Caesarean scar.
• I was exhausted all the time for the first 18 months or so, but it has slowly got better over the last year.
• I really enjoy spending the majority of the time with my child, but if I want to do something without her, I can go and do that because she has another parent. (Obviously this is much harder for single parents).
• I DO carry the mental load, but I don't resent my wife for it, because her brain just doesn't work that way. What she DOES do (which it sounds like many men utterly fail at) is do anything I tell her to do, chores-wise, without question. (I still do the bulk of housework and life admin because I'm a SAHM and she works).

Then you are very very immature. So you see posts on SM and that influences you about a life changing decision and you take that as confirmation?