So much negativity on social media about having children

[2025isavibe]

I feel like all over Instagram/Facebook/tiktok is negatively about having children

• your body looks worse and will never look the same/as good
• you are exhausted all the time
• you will never have any time to do anything
• you will do all the mental load and your partner will do nothing which you will massively resent him for

As someone in their 30s fairly sure they don't want kids, it just enforces and backs up this feeling

Out of curiosity, if your kids had grown up, moved away and only communicated with you on special occasions, would you still view it so positively?

What I am trying to say that there is more to life, for me, than hedonistic pleasure. If I just spent my life trying to see the world and purchase my way to happiness it would lack meaning. I derive much greater meaning and pleasure from raising my child, even if it's tiring.

But we are each individual and if someone does find deep fulfilment in these things then each to their own. It wouldn't be for me though.

But why the judgement? Can you not just say "it's wouldn't be for me" without insulting those who do prefer that way of life?

Travel can be very fulfilling if you are doing it right. I have some wonderful memories which will be very sustaining in my old age, of travel all over the world, which we have the freedom and money to do due to not being able to have children.

There’s more to life than children too. You are coming across as incredibly judgemental.

To answer your questions:

• my body genuinely looks the same, I'm the same size as pre-pregnancy. Didn't get any stretch marks.
• I wasn't particularly tired when I had my first baby as he slept well since 4 months old. I was exhausted for the first year after having my youngest because she slept badly!
• We still do a lot of things we used to, it just takes a bit more planning!
• When I was a SAHM I carried most of the mental load and childcare obviously, but when I worked my husband and I shared everything quite evenly. Honestly I wouldn't have had children with him if I didn't think he was going to be a good dad.

Not sure why you're thinking about these things if you're pretty sure you don't want children!

You can still travel if you have children, Children are only young for a short period of time. I have two DCs and have travelled a lot, they are young now but we still take them in holidays and will travel a lot more with them when they are older and when they are adults. Having children doesn’t stop you traveling. It’s actually a great experience to be able to show them the world and watch them get all excited and have their own experiences.

Travel with children is absolutely nothing like travelling without them.

I’m very happy for you. Never said people can’t travel with children. Just saying that having the money and freedom to travel has for us been a welcome positive of not being able to have children.

You’re right It’s not, and depending on the type of holiday it can actually be better with them. But also, having children doesn’t mean you can’t ever go without them again. We’ve been away without our DCs, but actually we enjoy our DCs company so enjoy going away with them. When they grow up we will do a mix of holidays with and without them but whilst they’re young we love watching them experience the world and being able to give them that.

• your body looks worse and will never look the same/as good

Accept and love your new normal - certainly a thing. Also complete bullshit. You do not have to accept that. Not sure if it’s people who don’t know it’s possible or they are trying to make themselves feel better. Either way it’s sad.

• you are exhausted all the time

It is hard work. It is exhausting at times. But then when is anything hard in life worth doing not exhausting?

• you will never have any time to do anything

That’s not true. I have done more things post kids than before. You get very time efficient and cherish your free time more than before.

• you will do all the mental load and your partner will do nothing which you will massively resent him for

If you have a shit partner then yes. The modern man is quite incredible actually. I swear he’s better at half this stuff than me.

I’ll bet the woman I saw in a Hindu temple in Kuala Lumpur, which was at the top of a flight of 250 stairs, limping around in thirty degrees plus temperatures, with a bawling toddler clamped to her lower leg and sitting on her foot, was having the time of her life.

Probably not! You choose the right type of holiday for who’s going and I would not take my toddler to that. But I’ve been to places like that before children, I will do again when they are old enough to enjoy it or to go by ourselves, but when we take them away now we go to places they will love and we all enjoy it, I haven’t enjoyed these holidays any less at all.

Almost all isolated old people have children.

How is a holiday better with the restrictions of children?

No idea - depends on you - your health, your support network/economics - and baby you get and even country you have them in (USA has most unhappy parents and is often where research showing uphapy parnets is done)

Best thing I ever did - but it is hard work - and I had a fully on board partner and it wasn't what I was expecting - been worse and better and so unexpected.

Things I thought I'd love hated - things never thought I'd like are some of the fondest memories of my life.

Do some women regret it - yes - do most I do don't think so but hard to tell really but still suspect not. It's a gamble - not all babies are the same and grow up to be unique people and every stage is different with different challenges.

A lot of the joyful stuff sounds mundane to none parents - small and not really worth getting excited about. It's not for everyone - best you can do is be sure as you can be about trying it and adapt to child you get and your changed circustances.

Believe it or not lots of us actually enjoy our children. One of the best things is watching your child experience something new and them loving it. You get to experience everything as a child again, their wonder and excitement over everything.

it is so much more nuanced than this. no one can really answer your question as everyone has differing experiences based on many many variables. You might not have children but still be exhausted all the time and married to someone that carries none of the mental load required with running a house etc.
I never imagined having children, and my body changing during pregnancy, reducing the time I can do my hobbies, weekend do ‘child’ activities… it’s a complete change but I have found having children so life enriching and couldn’t imagine being without

Maybe they enjoy family hoildays - it's often a different type of holiday.

We bemused IL who never did them they want to to drink and eat and sit by pool and do lots of walks. Then they invited themsleves on our hoildays - and then moan we weren't putting kids in childcare - now they look back on those days as some of the best hoildays ever - going to family shows and fair ground rides and making sandcastle, paddling in sea and flying kites with the kids.

Now there teens often fun to do things with them - even go round new cities - they are fun and we do a wider range of things with them than we would perhaps otherwise.

It does require you to like spending time with your offspring though -- and that's sadly not always the case for many reasons.

They're not better, they're different. But that's the expectation when you have kids

@Alltheoldpaintings a d @LondonLady1980

What do you find so difficult about it? And could they be things you could change/influence?

I do feel that parenting is what you make it.

What do I feel is difficult about what? Being a parent?

I don’t find it difficult, I love being a mum, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t exhausting and time consuming though 🤣

I would kill for a day where I don’t hear the word, “Mom……” at least 50 times a day.

When I hear them calling for me from another room my heart drops a little as I know they want me for something whereas all I want to do is sit down with an undisturbed cup of tea 🤣

Er nope. One of my friends was 100% she didnt want kids- now regrets it deeply in her 50s but it's too late. She actually went through a stage of being really depressed about it.

PP specifically said better.

Some parents are very negative and seem to take glee putting that out there. It's always been like this though, it's not a social media thing - back when I grew up, it was a way a lot of mothers socialised together, going on about how horrible parenting was and warning the kids to never do it (while also cursing them "I hope you have one just like you").

Part of me is glad people can be open about what they're struggling with and get support and compassion. Part of me finds it uncomfortable at times. I don't like it being done around the kids - it led to a lot of horrible feelings growing up, I can only imagine how kids who are being filmed while their parents discuss how horrible parenting them, knowing it's going to be shared with the world are feeling.

Sometimes it does feel both online and in-person that people are trying one up who is having the worst time parenting. I saw it a lot growing up, still see it now, it seems popular when someone is discussing considering having kids for them to get piled by parents on all the horrible things, and how they need to 'enjoy X while they can.', I find it very draining. I imagine the opposite is equally so, but I haven't seen it so don't have that experience.

I don't think I ever had the biological urge, having kids was a decision my husband and I came to after a lot of conversations we had about it before we got engaged and decided to live together permanently. Other people's chat about it wasn't really part of our decision making, it was more do we agree to have kids and what are our values and priorities around them and other parts of life. I fully think I would be equally if very differently happy without kids, and I'm open that it was something I chose because of those conversations and our agreements on it that ended up working (I told him at the time that if he didn't keep up with that, I'd stop at one. We have four).

Of those concerns, first varies a lot, but there are plenty of women who get into the best shape of their lives later in life after kids; being tired all the time from kids I'd say was only really when they were tiny and I was breastfeeding at night, if we didn't have time to do anything - websites like this wouldn't work; this is down to the couple - it can happen with or without kids, though I agree with others it's hard to tell before having kids how much will actually end up on your plate.

As others said, what you interact with is what you get on many social media platforms. If you try looking up more positive content or block that content, you'll get better.