To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

[Booklover12345]

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

How loud are your notifications to keep waking you up?! A little ping wouldn’t wake anyone up in my home so hardly rude to leave them on. If my phone rang late I’d want to know as it could be an emergency so it’s never on silent.

I would think she was a little bit drunk to be sending a gushy late night email.

I think it’s a sign for him to rein it in and make sure they stay professional moving forward.

So you would leave, without discussion, if your partner received an intimate message from a woman (and you didn’t know whether there were other messages) and downplayed it?

Or you would just accept that another woman likely had feelings for your partner and trust that despite him not acknowledging it, he would never do anything, and go on with your day without another thought?

I feel like your advice is from a 15 year old teenager with her first bf. In that scenario I would agree with you. Unfortunately adult relationships are much more complex. Voicing your feelings isn’t being insecure. It’s actually very secure to call out bad behaviour and not tolerate it without running away.

No because one message wouldn't make me feel that way.

If I did feel that way, whatever made me feel that way, I'd leave.

No being controlling doesnt matter less when you're an adult. It's more understandable at 15.

Yes.

If he got a text from a sexy colleague after they've been knee deep in sewage, I'd get it.

What about from the lady at plumbase, suggesting that they get a coffee and saying how much she likes it when he comes in.

And he’s like, I’m meeting Heather from plumbase tomorrow for a coffee. She said I brighten her day, isn’t that nice.

Reply to her email from his email account as you. Let her know that you both routinely read each other’s emails and text messages. If she stops messaging, that tells you about her, if not his, intentions.

I'd be perfectly fine with it. I eat with my colleagues often. Even the big rich handsome doctors!

Aww, cute.

Seriously though?

I have a couple of good work friends who I message out of work time. But not to gush about how fab they are and how much I like them.

Edited, that was aimed at My Olive Helper saying they do message colleagues to that effect.

Omg if my partner did this, I'd never go back to work again.

You work in a hospital? All I know about doctors and nurses is that, more so than the general population, they are all at it.

OP I wouldn’t listen to the advice from the “cool and secure” crowd here. Some women take this approach thinking that it proves how confident and secure they are when in fact it is the ability and confidence to express your real feelings and not be a pushover that proves real maturity and confidence. It usually comes with age as women learn they can prioritise their needs and don’t need to adjust their behaviour to be attractive to a partner. I would say that the need to appear cool is actually a big sign of insecurity, you can see it with teenagers and young adults.

expressing your disappointment and feelings of hurt caused by a situation that he could easily rectify by establishing clear boundaries is not you being insecure. Demanding to be treated with respect is valuing yourself and not acting like a cool twenty something to appease her man.

There is a space in your husband’s life for his coworkers and that is during his working hours. Evenings and weekends at home are your personal space which she has pushed into by sending a strange (let’s call it what it is, no normal woman with professional boundaries would do that) email to him late at night.

Yeah not true..especially in my department. It could be that the torn perineums and uterine haemorrhages deter us from thinking sexy times. We often smell of meconium, liquor and latex too.

The idea that someone texting your partner is disrespectful to you plays into toxic ideas about possession and things like that. Good try though.

Yeah we have tough times at work and sometimes someone really came through for you in one way or the other.

Fair enough.

I do think you are more in need of therapy than any of us. Your approach is very strange and almost male, and probably has cost you a lot of meaningful relationships.

I've had 4 serious relationships and I'm counting the one at 15 in that. I dumped him because he was cheating. I had another long term relationship where the guy was possessive. Another where I just felt something was off. Then I've had two long term relationships since. One fizzled out/grew apart after a kid and a bereavement on his side. The other is still going.

I haven't missed out on anyone.

i think we all get your viewpoint at this point and it’s a valid one, even if some of us respectfully disagree. But you need to stop derailing the thread. I’m sure OP knows where you stand on this now.

That's fair, and understandable in healthcare settings (where I also work) but doesn't seem to be the case in the OP's situation.

More likely the messager has a crush on OP's husband, got drunk and sent a somewhat regrettable email.

No decent woman emails the husband of another woman late at night with such effusive thanks. The husband is as bad as her. They are both equally at fault.

It isnt derailing to answer posts that I'm quoted in. The OP asked for opinions, I'm giving mine. You don't get to try and silence me because you don't want me to say what I'm saying. Just stop replying to my posts.

Great advice, let's all do that 😄

We have no idea what they do for work or how he has supported her. They could work in an office with toxic office culture and he's been there for her. It's the same thing.

Of course they are - where did I say they weren't?

But if you know a person has a partner, it's not really appropriate to message them in the middle of the night, telling them how much you enjoy their company, is it?

It's pretty obvious what she's after.