To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

[Booklover12345]

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

You could have started right there.

That sounds healthy.

It doesn’t explain why you have such harsh views of other people having normal boundaries though. Clearly you are in a strong position and live independently. Most people in marriages and long term relationships cannot just walk away from something they may have poured all their best years into, at least without a fight.

The OP turning a blind eye to this and seeing if this guy passes the test is madness to me. It’s something you would do if you were not that invested and had lots of other options.

Why isnt it appropriate? Partners don't own each other. I'd go flipping crazy if my partner told someone when its appropriate to message me. What the very fuck?

That doesnt give you the excuse to control someone else. It might be a reason to be very careful about making such a commitment.

Do you have children?

There is nothing wrong with protecting your family. Some women love to get one over on other women and a married man is easy prey.

I am more suspicious of other women than most men. Good men can be tempted by bad women.

I don’t care about the bad men, they are something else, I’m walking about women who see someone they like and don’t care if they are already married.

If you'd be happy with your partner being messaged by other women in the middle of the night telling him how much they enjoy his company, you crack on.

Well not necessarily, she may not know he is married or have such a jealous partner or she doesn’t see the email as anything but innocent or she doesn’t see an issue with befriending male colleagues… assumptions but not facts. I message male colleagues at the weekend sometimes & vice versa, not once does it occur to me that their wife/partner may not like it because he engages with me nor is it an attempt to start an affair even though it’s sometimes about personal things we’ve discussed

So I wonder why she chose to email him? Like someone else said, maybe so you're less likely to see it?

The question here is whether the OP is being unreasonable. So far it’s a fat no, lots of the posters would feel the same although 2 or 3 thinks he and all of our partners need to be set free from such awful, distrusting, women.

What to do is different. In the cold light of day you need to sit down and tell him it seems in inappropriate and ask what prompted them to exchange personal emails.

If this is something he routinely does, then you both need to lay down where you sit with such things.

Me too 😀

Exactly this. She’s emailed so his phone doesn’t ping in the middle of night. Little did she know he has sound alerts on for emails.

And come across as a complete psycho? Ok then.

I’d rather my husband fucked off with another woman than lower myself to sending “back off” emails to his colleagues 😂.

If you have to do that it’s NOT a relationship worth saving.

You didn't answer my question.
Would you message that out of the blue on a weekend evening to a personal email. You said yes, and I asked why. Why the personal email if not for him to see it before Monday?

Yes. There isnt any excuse for being abusive and controlling. Kids, the house, whatever.

FGS you have absolutely no idea why, maybe she thought an email was more formal… again speculation

There's a lot of focus on one poster who said they'd email her themselves. I don't think everyone who says they would be wary is advocating that.

Yes personal email, it’s too long to text & because I wanted to as it’s a perfectly fine email to send & I’m not crazy so couldn’t relate to why his wife would be demanding to see email, that thought wouldn’t cross my mind. This is so trivial it’s getting ridiculous

I'm not asking whether it's right to demand to see an email. My question was about the motivation for sending it. You seem very flustered.

Actually I have a cautionary tale. Many years ago I was new in a job and a (married) male colleague asked me to have lunch with him and I did. I didn't think anything of it, we only talked about work and nothing inappropriate was said or happened.

His wife phoned our boss to complain 😭

I don't know exactly what she said, but it was all incredibly awkward.

Don't do that, OP.

I have read part of this and skimmed through the rest and I can honestly say I have never read such a load of rubbish in my life! Everyone seems to be replying just so they can ridicule everyone else. What started as a reasonable post turned into farce.
Some posters really need to get a life!

I don’t owe you any explanation & you’re trying to rile me that won’t work as I don’t care enough. I’ve told you all I’m going to no need to elaborate further

I would be highly suspicious quite honestly.

Is your husband a doctor OP?

Agree. It’s OTT.

The fact the note was sent "late last night" would concern me. As would the fact that your husband clearly didn't want you to see it. There are many reasons why he may not have wanted you to see it - the spectrum ranges from the "he's just as annoyed about it as you are because he can't stand the woman and can't believe he'd disrespect his marriage/cause bother" to "they are having a full on affair and he told her not to send messages after work hours because he doesn't want to get caught".

As with many things it's probably somewhere in the middle...he might have been embarrassed that the co-worker - who he thought was chill and a mate - is sending full-on texts and he doesn't want you to get upset...but you got upset and that's upset him because he doesn't like the fact that you think he's cheating etc etc etc. It's a really difficult situation to handle in a way that both people emerge feeling super happy about. Bummer...

Hopefully you and he can have a chat at a time when you aren't both trying to sleep/are exhausted...you can explain why you were concerned: the late night nature of the text, the worry that maybe this woman is not really respecting boundaries etc. And he can explain why he got annoyed etc. If he finds it tricky to understand then calmly ask him what he would think if you'd gotten that late night message from a man at work and then you had not immediately understood that it was a bit of a full on text at a time of day that only lovers tend to share such sweet notes...Try not to shout, try to put it in objective terms and keep the conversation to that note and issue only - and not to escalate it to other issues.