To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

[Booklover12345]

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

It pinged once. If she wants the phone on silent so any notifications he does get doesnt wake her up, that's a separate discussion. It doesnt start "you shouldn't be getting notifications", though.

No it's the fact that you think that its okay to control your partner's actions due to your experiences and paranoia that indicates the need for psychological help.

The point I was making is that everyone is piling onto the colleague for sending the email but presumably he gave her his personal email address to receive personal (as in not work related) emails

Good luck having any relationship longer than six months if you leg it at the first sign of another woman coming on to your man. I’m sure there’s a middle ground, that would involve talking to your DH, and explaining your boundaries.

Your real life experiences aren't typical and you'd likely lead a healthier life if you didn't project them onto all situations.

Yes I listened to my mother when I was 15 and trying to control my cheating boyfriend and she told me to have more self respect.

I think your experience with your ex has coloured your view. And respectfully your situation seems very different from this scenario. I am sorry you were in a controlling relationship.

BUT questioning the intention of a female colleague who sent a very intimate message late at night it not controlling. Laying out your boundaries on what you feel is appropriate and what you can live with is not controlling. It’s called communication and giving your partner the chance to understand how you are feeling and your expectations in a relationship. He can ignore those but if so he risks the end of his relationship. That’s called consequence.

Having been through this with my husband and my at the time close friend, it rarely turns out to be as innocent as the husband or friend makes out. Both married friend and husband said it was innocent, but to me they had started an emotional affair. I pointed out to my husband that he was responding more to her messages than mine and she was sending more messages to him than me. My ex friend it turns out was pissed that her husband was doing this with his female friend so was getting back at him and her husband insisted it was all innocent also! I asked my husband if the tables were turned and I was getting those messages from a male coworker, then would he be happy for it to carry on? Apparently not.

Yes, your husband likes the attention and thinks it’s innocent because the messages don’t explicitly say anything flirtatious yet but it’s actually flirtatious and make him feel good so he craves it.
I told my husband that under no circumstances was he to reply or speak to her again, I was at the point of leaving him because I have a zero tolerance for cheating, potential cheating etc. I contacted her and told her to stop and cut her out of my life.

Turns out a fair few of my friend’s husbands had also had this happen to them with female work colleagues and they were not happy with it either and told their husbands to stop.

This leads me to believe that you are just trolling for fun.

I’ve said quite clearly that I lead a healthy happy life, but I agree with the 95% of other posters that this is suspicious, and sitting back and waiting for an affair is probably not the way to go.

What are the stats on affairs? 2/3rds of people have cheated or something ridiculous? You are the one who is sadly ill informed.

My man works in an industry part of the time where women are often very "friendly" towards him. The other part of the time he works in an industry where he's often extremely helpful to women in a time of dire need he's an emergency plumber). I certainly don't leg it when someone is nice to my man or even if they want him, because I trust that he doesnt want that kind of trouble in his life. Yeah he wouldn't want to hurt me and all that, but also he really likes peace. Partly why I picked him.

This is what I mean about compatibility. But no, id never reduce myself to policing his actions. I'd be so embarrassed if anyone knew I was doing that.

This. All day long. And your husband is defending her. You need to put a stop to it.

I don't disagree with this. At all. Your mum was right and I feel the same.

I have male friends and my partner has female friends. There is no jealousy on either side but that is because there are clear and unspoken boundaries. Neither has detailed what we will/won't accept and, so far, we both seem to be on the same page.

But that is not the same as refusing to recognise when boundaries are beginning to become blurred. Or recognising that a line has been overstepped for one person whereas it might feel fine to the other - we all have our own boundaries after all.

It is also up to each person whether their partner's boundaries are acceptable to them.

It's everyone's responsibility to 'affair proof' their relationship (if thats what they wish to do) and part of that is recognising, acknowledging, discussing and responding when something doesn't 'feel right'.

And it doesn't make someone insecure or controlling to do so. And that isn't the same as insisting on 'no friends of the opposite sex' or whatever it might be either. Its about being proactive.

Denial isn't stability and neither is trolling people on a parenting forum lol

What am I proposing? Genuinely?

I'd much prefer to be confident, secure and non-abusive and leave when I feel I can't trust someone. I don't pretend my controlling rules are boundaries. I exert my boundaries by leaving when it no longer works for me and I cant be my best self.

Why is everyone bashing this colleague as if she’s some vixen luring the poor unsuspecting simpleton of a man & he can’t help himself, he has no control over his actions poor man…at the end of the day she can email who she likes it’s his response that is important & my first question (if I was suspicious) would be how did she get your email address?

Control to alleviate your fear of abandonment or replacement.

Me? 😂

Paranoia isnt reality.

Can you point to where I’ve said that? I’m clearly having blackouts.

Everyone wants control over their life. If your plumber boyfriend got a text from a sexy client at midnight and he smiled and replied a few times you’d just sit back and watch, or ask him to leave? You wouldn’t ask any questions?

Your self assurance could be mistaken for coldness.

As she has his number, is it likely she sent the email at a time that was convenient for her, but wouldn't necessarily disturb him at that hour?

What made you demand to see his email? I wouldn't be happy about that at all.

I'm guessing you know your relationship best though, so can assess what may be a threat 😕.

If a male co-worker told me smth alo g these lines during Workday, at a coffee station,etc. I would thing that's sweet. But if the same co-worker sent me a full-blown email at night I would be 🤨

I never said she did have a right. I'm just pointing out how rude he was to leave notifications enabled, disturbing OPs sleep. I can just about get leaving texts enabled, if you have kids or elderly relations who might call or text at night. But nobody needs to know if emails are coming in late at night.

Yes I listened to my mother when I was 15 and trying to control my cheating boyfriend and she told me to have more self respect.

Well that's very good advice and would he appropriate for a 15 year old who has a cheating boyfriend.

But adult lives are more complicated and nuanced and it's probably better to work together to avoid lines being crossed proactively in the first place.

I certainly wouldn't be trying to control someone or telling them what they could do or who they could talk to. And, if I had genuine suspicions that someone was cheating, I'd leave. But, again, that's a pretty big undertaking if all you've done is identify that something just doesn't feel right. Or a single incident of a line being blurred.

At that stage, it's better to have the conversation than either ignore it or leave.

That's not controlling. That's sensible.

Do you tell coworkers how amazing they are and what a fun day you had with them?