To be uneasy about Dh and his very friendly coworker

[Booklover12345]

Late last night my DH got an email ping from a coworker which woke me up. We were in bed. I asked what it was at that time, he clearly didn’t want to tell me but said it was E and she was just saying thanks for a laugh during their coffee break that day. I asked to look and it said what a really great friend he is and how he makes her day and the job such fun and she loves being in his team and working on this new project together. I knew they got on well but I was uneasy that she sent this email. It sparked a big row, he got cross, said it’s all above board and platonic and it was a nice thing for her to send him. If it hadn’t woken me then I would never have known which worries me too.
AIBU to think it is not on for her to send this and for him to be ok with it. Or am I being unfair to her and jealous, as he says?

Why because I'm not a proper woman who is ruled by her insecurity and possessiveness? Is that what you think womanhood is about? Fighting for your man and cutting him off from all those women who want him?

Yup

Mentally stable and secure. You could get there too.

Me? Help? I think all I’ve said is that it’s easy for cheating to creep in. I haven’t even mentioned my relationship status I don’t think.

My dad, my step-dad, my grandfather, my nan and other grandfather with each other. But yes you are right, it’s rare and clearly anyone who is suspicious of a young woman messaging her husband on a personal email is clearly in need of some sort of mental health assistance.

I’ll make an appointment with the GP tomorrow.

Blimey.

I’m going to water my plants, that’s enough internet for me today.

Sorry for derailing your thread, OP. I hope you feel better today.

Why is he reading his emails that late at night? Why does he not do what most sensible people do and turn off the notification until morning? I quite often send late emails but I wouldn't expect the recipient to be reading them at the time I send them, I would expect them to get picked up in the morning/next working day.

Presumably he gave her his personal email address, so what difference does it make that she’s sending from her personal one? It’s just an email address. I don’t have access to my work email from home so I would send from personal one if it’s out of work hours

My mum told me when I was about 15 that if you don't trust a man, the relationship is over. I've stuck to that and I've ended relationships where something didn't feel right as soon as I questioned myself or them.

It's about security and self worth. It doesnt matter if I'm right or wrong, the trust is gone, so leave. What i don't do is humiliate myself trying to get someone to do what I want them to do so I can feel safer. You don't make me feel safe? I'm gone. All this trying to make a man do for you is an embarrassment.

Because the OP demanded to know who it was so he had to

I feel exactly the same. He needs to cool things off as he’s actively playing with fire.

If that was his colleague Ken sending the message would he think,or at least try to convince you,it was perfectly normal?
Would his colleague Ken send that message in the first place? No is the answer.
Inappropriate and needs shutting down.

My emails 'ping'. I set up an alert.

So all these relationships close to you involved infidelity? If so, its no wonder you have the views you do. Therapy really might help.

Or wait until you have access to your work email, since it's not exactly an emergency.

I'm sticking to my theory that she was pissed and will regret it in the morning.

But she only knew about it because he had his notifications turned on. I don't have email notifications turned on during the night, so it doesn't ping. Because I don't NEED to know who is emailing me until I need to reply (ie, during the day, working hours). If co worker had emailed and it had come in silently, then a) OP wouldn't have known anything about it because it wouldn't have woken her and b) OPs husband wouldn't have looked at it either, because HE wouldn't have known it had come in.
So either he was expecting it, or he's an arse who leaves his notifications turned on when he doesn't need to.

"You don't agree with me, get therapy?" Wow, that's original.

Agree with other posters that this is concerning for two reasons:

1. A late night mail from her indicates that she is thinking about how she feels about him at a private-life time and she feels comfortable in coming into his private-life space. She may or may not be concious that she is stepping over boundaries but she is comfortable that she won’t be rejected i.e. by him saying he wants to keep work and personal life separate. This indicates a degree of intimacy and trust has already been established between them - I think she is taking the next step into the confessing / sharing of feelings
2. His reaction - as other posters have said, if this was not mutual then he would not want late night “feeling” mails from a work colleague. He would be protecting his late night private-life time because he would want to spend that time thinking & being with you & not another woman. Also that he got defensive / angry indicates that he knows this and is as of now feeling guilty about it, hence the deflection on to you.

So yes I think it is the start of an EA, and I suggest you recognise this OP and take it seriously. There is some great advice being given here - and bear in mind the “cool wife/girlfriend” posters on this thread have probably never experienced their OH having a EA (and hopefully never will).

@MyOliveHelper It wasn’t a text! From the sounds of things it was a fairly lengthy email. My ExH had loads of female friends (colleagues or ex colleagues). They’d go out for lunch, text in the evening, they’d call him outside of work. I’d smile and say “That’s nice, have a lovely time” and wave him off. Even though I’d have that feeling in the pit of my stomach, I never said a word because I didn’t want to look like a crank.

Until the day I discovered that he’d been unfaithful over 100 times. Only then did I realise that every single occasion when I’d had that gnawing knot inside me, it had actually been a warning to me to wake up and see what was happening. I’d been right every time.

How do you know he doesnt need to? Why is turning them off the right thing to do rather than just the way you do things?

I have my phone on silent 24/7, is that the right way? Or my way?

Trust your instincts OP. She most definitely is having inappropriate thoughts about your DH and this most definitely does need to be ripped in the bud. He needs to be doing the nipoing though.

Cool girl sounds like a dick (or a man).

Yes, quite.

I hold the views I hold due to my real life experiences. I’m sure most people form their views on their own. Why do I need help? I’m faithful and loyal, I hate cheaters and especially women who go after married men in whatever capacity. I’m certainly not ashamed of my views.

You must be the only 15 year old girl in the history of time who listened to what their mother said and based their entire life’s views upon it. I have to say I am glad you are not my friend if I ever need advice about real relationships, as your incredibly black and white views are unhelpful at best and downright appalling at worst.

Because if it's waking someone else it's not right. If he's desperately on edge expecting a very important business email then I would have thought he'd have mentioned it. If your phone is pinging all night to the detriment of someone else's sleep then you are in the wrong.

That doesn’t mean she has a right to know who it is, if he silenced notifications & she’d never have known so maybe he’ll make sure they’re silent in future to spare himself all this unnecessary drama

So you should have left. That feeling, is a relationship ender. The truth is irrelevant. It doesnt mean that your feeling is always correct, but it does mean that you're not on the same page as your partner.

This doesnt mean it would now be right for you to dictate how other partners interact with people and try to make rules around how and when theyre allowed to do that. Maybe seek someone out who already makes a habit of keeping colleagues distant so the chances of a personal text from a colleague are small. Look for people who share your values. Dont try and bully people into meeting doing it your way.

What a sad marriage if you throw the towel in rather than talk about things. You've been saying it's normal to get messages like this from colleagues and that OP is insecure, surely her talking to him about this is healthier than throwing in the towel.