Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party pooper - How to respond?

455 replies

Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 19:33

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

OP posts:
EdithBond · 18/05/2025 00:35

@Secondchoice2 That’s appalling.

Even if her daughter really wanted to go, her mum should explain she’s already busy at your DS’s party that day.

I’d give the mother a wide berth. My only reply would be: ‘That’s disappointing.’

If your DS and her daughter continue to be friends, don’t discourage it. But the mother isn’t your friend.

I hope the party goes ahead.

Itseatingmeup · 18/05/2025 00:40

How rude. I'd never let dd do that. You've already accepted an invitation, you're not free to go to something else. Basic manners.

stichguru · 18/05/2025 00:40

"Your friends daughter was happy to attend when she had nothing better to do but when one of her real friends came up with a better offer, of course she was going to go to that instead."

This may be true if a child is selfish, rude and had no manners. If not, then they will know that you don't abandon a commitment, that someone is looking forward to doing with you, because you have a better offer. My kid learnt this about 5 - come on!

MrsSunshine2b · 18/05/2025 00:53

That's incredibly rude and hurtful of her and I'd absolutely call her out and end the friendship.

MrsSunshine2b · 18/05/2025 01:00

Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 21:09

I hate your comment because I think you are right and that sucks. He has two friends, so do I want to destroy one of his two friendships? No. Do I want cowbag to understand what a cowbag she is? Yes.

I don’t think I can have both.

Show quote history

I think you can. They are 10- soon to be 11- and she isn't going to be able to control who her daughter talks to for long. She needs to face consequences.

Original poster
Secondchoice2 · 18/05/2025 01:03

MrsSunshine2b · 18/05/2025 00:53

That's incredibly rude and hurtful of her and I'd absolutely call her out and end the friendship.

you are right, it is so selfish and hurtful. How do I respond when I next see her?

OP posts:
TheHerboriste · 18/05/2025 01:03

BigHeadBertha · 18/05/2025 00:15

I totally agree. This is a small party for a ten-year-old's birthday, not a wedding.

As far as invitations and etiquette, if my kid had already accepted a party invitation, under normal circumstances, that's the party my kid would attend. It's important to teach manners.

However, the OP doesn't know that the other invitation actually is the reason the other mother withdrew her child's acceptance, she only assumes it.

After reading this thread, I think it's quite possible that other mother actually decided to withdraw from this party because the OP had just gotten to be too much.

The other invitation could have been her way of relieving her daughter's disappointment or it could even have just been a coincidence.

This thread is seeming increasingly off-kilter to me because the other mother and her child seem to have been made solely responsible for the success or failure of the OP's kid's party.

The other mother says her kid can't make it after all and suddenly she is a "cow bag" and a "shit bag?"

Wow. If that's how dependent and intense the OP had become with the other mother, I don't blame her for getting out of this deal.

If I hadn't agreed to throw or co-host a party, I wouldn't want all that on my shoulders.

Edited
Show quote history

Wow. This is just beyond the pale. Talk about speculation and fabrication.

And fyi, etiquette and manners don’t only apply to weddings. It’s not too much to expect decent conduct by children.

Original poster
Secondchoice2 · 18/05/2025 01:04

TheHerboriste · 18/05/2025 01:03

Wow. This is just beyond the pale. Talk about speculation and fabrication.

And fyi, etiquette and manners don’t only apply to weddings. It’s not too much to expect decent conduct by children.

Show quote history

This

OP posts:
AthWat · 18/05/2025 01:04

MrsSunshine2b · 18/05/2025 01:00

I think you can. They are 10- soon to be 11- and she isn't going to be able to control who her daughter talks to for long. She needs to face consequences.

Show quote history

Bear in mind that the daughter might seem like a good friend at the moment because her mother can control who she talks to. It's very unlikely that the mother has forced the daughter to choose the other party. People are basically suggesting her mother should have forced her to go to the one she doesn't want to go to.

TheHerboriste · 18/05/2025 01:05

Calliopespa · 17/05/2025 23:37

Totally agree. And the worst of it is they are so self-congratulatory for behaving that way.

Show quote history

Exactly.

They are proud of being ignorant, backward and antisocial!

No aspiration whatsoever to better themselves or their children.

TheHerboriste · 18/05/2025 01:08

Secondchoice2 · 18/05/2025 01:03

you are right, it is so selfish and hurtful. How do I respond when I next see her?

Show quote history

How often must you see her, and under what circumstances?

It’s a dilemma for you.

What’s that expression: “when people show you who they are, believe them.”

💐💐💐

Original poster
Secondchoice2 · 18/05/2025 01:10

BigHeadBertha · 18/05/2025 00:15

I totally agree. This is a small party for a ten-year-old's birthday, not a wedding.

As far as invitations and etiquette, if my kid had already accepted a party invitation, under normal circumstances, that's the party my kid would attend. It's important to teach manners.

However, the OP doesn't know that the other invitation actually is the reason the other mother withdrew her child's acceptance, she only assumes it.

After reading this thread, I think it's quite possible that other mother actually decided to withdraw from this party because the OP had just gotten to be too much.

The other invitation could have been her way of relieving her daughter's disappointment or it could even have just been a coincidence.

This thread is seeming increasingly off-kilter to me because the other mother and her child seem to have been made solely responsible for the success or failure of the OP's kid's party.

The other mother says her kid can't make it after all and suddenly she is a "cow bag" and a "shit bag?"

Wow. If that's how dependent and intense the OP had become with the other mother, I don't blame her for getting out of this deal.

If I hadn't agreed to throw or co-host a party, I wouldn't want all that on my shoulders.

Edited
Show quote history

You are obviously blessed. My child has a good relationship with Cowbag’s daughter. This was a terrible breach of etiquette. And very hurtful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondchoice2 · 18/05/2025 01:13

About three times a week. I do pick up from school and then the kids are on the playground for 1-2 hours. I was so upset this week that my DH did all pick ups.

OP posts:
Tbrh · 18/05/2025 01:16

I'd suggest:
Thanks for letting me know. As you realise, this will now mean I will probably need to cancel the party. I really wish you had been clear that you were only a tentative, as I wouldn't have changed the activity to suit your DD or committed to an activity that required a minimum number. I hope DD enjoys x's party.
Definitely call her out, but don't expect anything from her as people like this don't usually feel any guilt. I hope your son has a wonderful day!

TatteredAndTorn · 18/05/2025 01:31

McCartneyOnTheHeath · 17/05/2025 19:37

It's not a nice thing to do, but maybe her daughter is better friends with the other girl? Maybe she'd just prefer to go to that party? Try not to take it personally.

Tough shit. She’d already committed to someone else. You just don’t do that. What a terrible example to set her daughter.

And of course it’s personal. If my friend cancelled on me because they had a better offer, I’d take that fucking personally. It’s incredibly rude and bad mannered and definitely personal!

TatteredAndTorn · 18/05/2025 01:35

TheHerboriste · 17/05/2025 23:32

This is emblematic of the fucked-up me-first attitudes so many kids are being raised with, and why we are ending up with so many immature, interpersonally incompetent adults unable to consider anyone but themselves.

Show quote history

This.

What can you do? You tell your daughter that she has already committed to someone else and it would be incredibly rude and hurtful to now take back that commitment because you had a better offer. Teach your child some manners and how not to be completely selfish.

MrsSunshine2b · 18/05/2025 01:37

Secondchoice2 · 18/05/2025 01:03

you are right, it is so selfish and hurtful. How do I respond when I next see her?

Show quote history

I'm probably not the best person to advise as I tend to just say it as it is.

So I'd just say, "We both know that you blew off DS's party for another party despite having RSVP'd, and that I'd planned the party around having 8 children. It's really rude and hurtful of you and it's shit parenting to teach your daughter she doesn't have to honour commitments she's made to her friends."

TheInternetNeverForgets · 18/05/2025 01:39

Aw I’m sorry OP. That’s crap and I would want to ghost fuck out of her too. But I probably wouldn’t because of the impact on my child. It would be an incredibly hard pill to swallow.

To be honest though, she’s maybe starting to worry about her daughter not fitting in with the girls, wanting at 10 to encourage some female friendships, wanting to make sure her daughter isn’t on the outside of the girls in her class. Whilst I think she has gone about it in a horrible way (and I certainly wouldn’t have done that myself), I can sympathise with that a bit.

TheHerboriste · 18/05/2025 01:50

Secondchoice2 · 18/05/2025 01:13

About three times a week. I do pick up from school and then the kids are on the playground for 1-2 hours. I was so upset this week that my DH did all pick ups.

Ugh.

Can your husband continue for a while?

Get some dark glasses and be busy/on the phone if you must be there.

TheShadowOfTheWizard · 18/05/2025 01:52

Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 20:49

They are friends, they play together most days. She was just scared of paintball.

Show quote history

Paintball hurts like a bitch. I hope your boy has a wonderful time 🙏 😻❤️

TheHerboriste · 18/05/2025 01:52

AthWat · 18/05/2025 01:04

Bear in mind that the daughter might seem like a good friend at the moment because her mother can control who she talks to. It's very unlikely that the mother has forced the daughter to choose the other party. People are basically suggesting her mother should have forced her to go to the one she doesn't want to go to.

Show quote history

She should have.

Teaching and enforcing decent behaviour takes precedence over a couple hours enjoyment on a Saturday afternoon. It’s called parenting v pandering.

BigHeadBertha · 18/05/2025 01:54

TheHerboriste · 18/05/2025 01:03

Wow. This is just beyond the pale. Talk about speculation and fabrication.

And fyi, etiquette and manners don’t only apply to weddings. It’s not too much to expect decent conduct by children.

Show quote history

Wow. Your response has absolutely nothing to do with what I actually posted. Please read before arguing.

And fyi, show courtesy yourself before preaching about it to others.

BigHeadBertha · 18/05/2025 02:15

Secondchoice2 · 18/05/2025 01:10

You are obviously blessed. My child has a good relationship with Cowbag’s daughter. This was a terrible breach of etiquette. And very hurtful.

Show quote history

I am blessed with a grown son who is on the autism spectrum, thanks.

And if you are going to ask people to take their time to help you with your issue, etiquette requires considering them rather than lashing out when not told what you want to hear.

As I said, I think the other mother likely backed off because you're too much work, not just because her daughter got another invitation.

Setting up a party that requires eight kids minimum when you have a hard time filling those spaces, then putting the whole weight of the party happening on a friend's shoulders is a good way to lose a friend. That is not good etiquette.

As I said, I had enough to do to handle my own kid's parties. I would not want that much responsibility for someone else's too. You should expect some cancellations. Period.

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/05/2025 02:30

TatteredAndTorn · 18/05/2025 01:31

Tough shit. She’d already committed to someone else. You just don’t do that. What a terrible example to set her daughter.

And of course it’s personal. If my friend cancelled on me because they had a better offer, I’d take that fucking personally. It’s incredibly rude and bad mannered and definitely personal!

Show quote history

This

I'd go nuclear OP. Shitty behaviour absolutely must be called out.

Tbrh · 18/05/2025 02:45

BigHeadBertha · 18/05/2025 02:15

I am blessed with a grown son who is on the autism spectrum, thanks.

And if you are going to ask people to take their time to help you with your issue, etiquette requires considering them rather than lashing out when not told what you want to hear.

As I said, I think the other mother likely backed off because you're too much work, not just because her daughter got another invitation.

Setting up a party that requires eight kids minimum when you have a hard time filling those spaces, then putting the whole weight of the party happening on a friend's shoulders is a good way to lose a friend. That is not good etiquette.

As I said, I had enough to do to handle my own kid's parties. I would not want that much responsibility for someone else's too. You should expect some cancellations. Period.

Edited
Show quote history

OPs friend knew the situation and actively planned this party with the OP, and went so far to change the activity to suit her daughter. That's poor form. I don't see any way you can try and justify that