Party pooper - How to respond?

[Secondchoice2]

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

You don't know my position because you're arguing with me without reading it first.

As I said, yes, I do think that in general, a child should have to stick with the invitation they already accepted. I'm surprised at the number of people who don't agree with that, in fact.

However, no, we don't know that the other mother "tried to change the activity to suit her daughter."

We don't know why the other mother decided to back off from the OP and her son's party in favor of the other invitation.

But, as you say, yes, the other mother did know the whole deal. Therefore, she must know this is gonna be a giant issue with the OP.

Therefore, rather than it just being sloppy manners about accepting invitations, I'd wager the other mother means to cut ties with the OP. I mean, all things considered, isn't this pretty much like a slap in the face?

However, we can't know for sure what's going on at the other mother's house so there are a lot of gaps here.

Cowbags daughter has told my son that she would prefer to go to his party but her mum wants her to have more female friends. The daughter is really sweet and shy.

In thinking how to react, I’d bear in mind that the objective has to be not to do anything which will jeopardise or damage this natural friendship for your son.
Not only does your son value the friendship but it seems the little girl does too and it seems clear that the awful decision was made by the mum not by the child.

Let your son know that he can still invite his friend over after school and at the weekends/holidays as usual but that if her mum is trying to encourage more girly friendships then she may not always be allowed to accept.
I’m sure you are trying not to let him see how upset you are.

As for when you next meet Cowbag in person, I would be polite and try not to make it awkward but I’d definitely not be relying on her friendship anymore as she isn’t to be trusted.
If she asks about your son or his party, I would feel free to say how glad you are that they talked it out between themselves in a really mature way, - but otherwise, be deliberately vague eg ‘yes I hope the weather lasts’ or ‘we are all looking forward to it’ and then change the subject or move away to talk to somebody else. The party is no longer her business and will be successful in spite of her ill-mannered decision so there’s really nothing else to be said on the subject so it needn’t be a topic of conversation with her any more at all.

It’s so difficult not to dwell on the hurt on behalf of your son, but put it down to an important life lesson for him and know that he will get over it quickly and begin to find his own way with friendships in time anyway.

I like the idea previously mentioned, of saving a party bag or some kind of momento from the party for him to give to her so that she knows there are no hard feelings.

You're choosing to only take bits of the OP that suit you. Did you read the first post? The other mother might just be a bitch and used to doing what she wants so she might just assume OP will be fine with it? If we're going to add extra assumptions that would be mine. In fact she's probably the sort of person who will then make OP is the unreasonable one, and have sudden amnesia about all of the other details.

Or the other mother decided the OP brings way too much drama and just wanted to back off from her?

No, you actually have an angry, argumentative tone rather than a thoughtful one that's suitable for discussion. I see you want to be right, so you just go on and do that.

This would be the best option if you want your son to remain friends with this girl and if the girl is a nice person (even if the mother isn't).

Why is this not “normal circumstances”, because the DD got a “better” invite? Changed her mind?

The exact reason for the change had been explained, you’ve written a whole new narrative, which includes the child being called a cowboy, which they weren't.

It’s the mother that is the cowbag, allowing her child to act badly.

*cowbag

Pot, Kettle, Black? 🤣🫣🤔

What are you even talking about?

No, the "exact reason" for the change is not known because we haven't heard from the other mother at all.

I didn't say anything about the child being called a cowboy (I guess you mean cowbag) and etc.

You are apparently replying to the wrong post. Please read before arguing.

There are a lot of nonsensical posts on here tonight. Read. Before. Responding. SMH

Well we have to hear everyother part of the argument on MN, then we can’t comment on anything can we? I mean we’re given the situation and comment on that surely?

And I amended cowbag quite swiftly, before this post. Please read before you spout off about that.

Why are you accusing everyone of “misunderstanding” you? It’s very clear, you’d allow your child to not have the morals to stick to the original arrangement, because …… why?

Shhh. I think it's past your bedtime.

Excellent response, one you’ve taught your child to shut down everyone else if the don’t like what they’re saying? It won’t help them in life though.

A bit like, I don’t want to come to your party, I don’t value our friendship and I’ve had a better offer.

Luckily, most on this thread have confirmed they’re decent parents and wouldn’t do that.

Even for “exceptional circumstances”, which you don’t clarify.

Ad hominem remarks are the refuge of those with the losing argument.

True that!

It's a shame when people are too stupid to see where an argument started and who kept it going, but feel the need to jump in and run their mouth anyway.

Derp

Please learn to read and be quiet when you don't have anything intelligent to say. Like right now, for example.

It’s a bigger shame when your put down is “shhh, it’s past your bedtime”, do you speak to your DH and DC like that?

Because it’s not acceptable, at all.

Says a lot about you, TBH.

Not at all but it's not intelligent to carry on as if we know things that we clearly do not or to claim that stating that we don't know the whole story is the same as not being able to comment on anything.

Oh my god. Just stop.

Well then don’t comment then….. 🤣

@Mirroar Absolutely, adults usually do, and should, put their own children first - with anything that is important. Please continue reading as even though I agreed with that part of your post, I think that we probably fundamentally disagree on what we consider is putting our own children first.

All my children are adults now, and I am lucky enough to be a grandmother as well. In my opinion, the most important feelings and knowledge (age appropriate of course) for any children to have, are the feelings - and therefore knowledge - of being totally loved, totally safe, in fact for younger children, not even knowing that they feel safe, as the lack of safety and security are feelings they have no knowledge of.

Therefore, I feel that all children should be brought up by carers who only use positivity, and gentle explanations, to explain how pleased/impressed we are with anything they do, say, or produce. If it is not possible to praise them for something, maybe because it might hurt another child's feelings, or potentially it could physically harm another child or adult, or even themself, then it is imperative that we as parents/grandparents/guardians/teachers/aunts and uncles etc, explain in appropriate and gentle language, for our/their child's age, why on any particular occassion, it was not the best thing that said child could say or do.

To me, teaching my child that on certain, important, occassions, it is not always right to put himself first, but rather to take into account whether something that he wants to do for himself is likely to cause mental or physical pain to another child, due to my child breaking an earlier promise, or assurance, to that other child, to do something different, is teaching my child to not only be kind and considerate, but to keep - whenever possible - promises that he has made. I would also tell my DC that he should expect the same considerations from others as he grows up, unless the other person has some vulnerabilities that make it very hard/impossible for the other person to understand and reciprocate.

As I mentioned earlier, my children are all adults now, and although - like the rest of us - they are not perfect, they are all kind and caring people, and they are not 'doormats' or 'yes' people. So, I believe that teaching my children to not always be selfish - and doing so from a young age - is, actually, me putting them first.

Well said, raising your child to be a decent human being is putting them first.

I sympathise but I don't think you should have planned an activity that required 8 people to go ahead if you were struggling for numbers in the first place. If someone was sick and needed to drop out last minute, what would have happened?