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Original poster

Party pooper - How to respond?

455 replies

Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 19:33

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 17/05/2025 23:17

Bechange997 · 17/05/2025 23:13

You can’t force a kid to go to a party when they don’t want to go.

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Well actually … parenting involves insisting children adopt certain behaviours . It just depends where you draw the line. Would you insist they wore a seatbelt? Yes. Would you insist on what flavour ice lolly they chose? No. It’s about where you draw the line.

Mummypie21 · 17/05/2025 23:17

I think cowbag behaved appallingly. I wouldn't bother with her anymore. I remember as a kid accepting a party invitation and then wanting to do something else. My mum told me I should honour my first commitment. That's how I learnt that you don't ditch people for a better offer.

Bechange997 · 17/05/2025 23:19

Calliopespa · 17/05/2025 23:17

Well actually … parenting involves insisting children adopt certain behaviours . It just depends where you draw the line. Would you insist they wore a seatbelt? Yes. Would you insist on what flavour ice lolly they chose? No. It’s about where you draw the line.

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Wearing a seatbelt is one thing. Going to a party is another. Don’t get me wrong, I think the child has been awful and disloyal (ten year olds know what they are doing) but the mum can hardly drag them kicking and screaming. I will say it’s disappointing the mum is happy to let her go to the other party but maybe she’s not strict/lets the kid choose her own social stuff. Similar thing happened to me when I was 11.

TheHerboriste · 17/05/2025 23:21

Bechange997 · 17/05/2025 23:13

You can’t force a kid to go to a party when they don’t want to go.

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You can force a kid to keep its commitments with a smile on its face, or be disciplined. Billions of decent parents have done so.

Bechange997 · 17/05/2025 23:24

TheHerboriste · 17/05/2025 23:21

You can force a kid to keep its commitments with a smile on its face, or be disciplined. Billions of decent parents have done so.

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As someone who was 11 when several kids backed out of going to my party, parents obviously can’t. Anyway, does OP want the girl to turn up when she’d rather be somewhere else? I am no way on the girls side, think what she’s done is awful.

Calliopespa · 17/05/2025 23:26

Mirroar · 17/05/2025 20:36

I think especially for girls it's okay to teach them it's okay to put yourself first sometimes personally.

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See this is the attitude that is generating a society of women who act like …well… cowbags. It is not helpful to women in the long run.
Of course it’s good women can stick up for themselves on the big issues; but just choosing the party you fancy instead of honouring a commitment is simply low and scummy and shouldn’t be glorified as somehow “ strong.” It’s just selfish and low rent.

Fred22ER · 17/05/2025 23:26

Bechange997 · 17/05/2025 23:13

You can’t force a kid to go to a party when they don’t want to go.

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Yes you can.

It is called "being a parent" and instilling manners and keeping to your word in your children.

Velmy · 17/05/2025 23:26

Are you sure she didn't genuinely double book? The invites may have only gone out recently, but that doesn't mean she didn't know about agree to the other party well in advance.

Ask her. No point falling out over a genuine misunderstanding.

TheHerboriste · 17/05/2025 23:27

k1233 · 17/05/2025 22:08

I'd probably be very frank in my reply.

Something along the lines of "I'd prefer you didn't lie to me. I know mini cowbag is going to missy's party. You know how much DS enjoys hanging out with mini cowbag and how important it was to have 8 people attend his party. You've really left me in the lurch by pulling out last minute "

I think this is quite reasonable.

Communitywebbing · 17/05/2025 23:30

Horrible horrible horrible behaviour. What is CB thinking of? Even if her DD wanted to go the other party, CB should have told her that's not on having accepted the first one.
I think you'll have to be sufficiently polite to CB in future to ensure the children can remain friends - you must, because your DS needs his friend. But there's no law saying that you have to trust her again, or feel warmly.

tigerlily9 · 17/05/2025 23:30

I haven’t rtf but laser tag is better than paintball as paintball can be painful and the kids are quite young. 15 year old will need to swap teams to be fair and stop him from dominating.

I think you were unreasonable to expect everyone to turn up, there is always someone dropping out in the day - sickness or something. I suspect you will get other no shows on the day sadly.

Is it a mixed group or mainly boys? I suspect girl preferred other party and didn’t really want to go to this one but mum made her, so now she wants to go to the other and mum has agreed to let her go.

TheHerboriste · 17/05/2025 23:32

Ottersmith · 17/05/2025 21:36

I'm surprised at how vitriolic the responses are on here. They aren't 5. At 10 its up to the kids whose party they go to. The girl obviously preferred to go to the other party. I'm sure Cowbag tried to persuade her to go to your son's, but what can she do? At 10, girls like to be included with the other girls. It's a shame for your son, but you placed way to much importance on this party and too much pressure on your friend. Ultimately, she is not responsible for your son's ASD and his struggles at making friends. This is just a decision her kid has made.

All these other Mums telling stories about looking their friends in the face and telling them they did a shitty thing. Wow. This party thing sounds like a minefield. I remember being responsible for my own guest list when I was a child, parents just facilitate.

This is emblematic of the fucked-up me-first attitudes so many kids are being raised with, and why we are ending up with so many immature, interpersonally incompetent adults unable to consider anyone but themselves.

Summerloveunderthetrees · 17/05/2025 23:33

could you get one of your adult family members to dress up as your son's favourite character with a last minute amazon order, and join in the laser tag? it might really distract from what's happened :)

TheHerboriste · 17/05/2025 23:35

Calliopespa · 17/05/2025 23:26

See this is the attitude that is generating a society of women who act like …well… cowbags. It is not helpful to women in the long run.
Of course it’s good women can stick up for themselves on the big issues; but just choosing the party you fancy instead of honouring a commitment is simply low and scummy and shouldn’t be glorified as somehow “ strong.” It’s just selfish and low rent.

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Scummy is spot on.

Tbrh · 17/05/2025 23:36

Blueberry911 · 17/05/2025 20:16

I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like

Well, that's on you

No need for that, OP was just trying to arrange a nice party for her son. Obviously the mother is a cow (bag), great name! I'd do what PP suggested and ask if her daughter enjoyed the other girls party. It will be nice having your nephew there, he can help and kids always like having older children around so it's a great solution.

Calliopespa · 17/05/2025 23:37

TheHerboriste · 17/05/2025 23:32

This is emblematic of the fucked-up me-first attitudes so many kids are being raised with, and why we are ending up with so many immature, interpersonally incompetent adults unable to consider anyone but themselves.

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Totally agree. And the worst of it is they are so self-congratulatory for behaving that way.

Original poster
Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 23:46

Velmy · 17/05/2025 23:26

Are you sure she didn't genuinely double book? The invites may have only gone out recently, but that doesn't mean she didn't know about agree to the other party well in advance.

Ask her. No point falling out over a genuine misunderstanding.

100% no miss understanding.

OP posts:
fiveIsNewOne · 17/05/2025 23:52

Not that it would be the point here, but planning an activity so dependent on everyone coming sounds a bit risky - someone can be ill or have some emergency.

Shellybeans · 17/05/2025 23:59

I’m really sorry for your son, I agree it’s an awful situation and you have every right to be upset with your friend.

I would say, though, her daughter might be a lovely girl who likes to play with your son - but maybe only when (in their view), she has no other option. I don’t think staying quiet to try and maintain the friendship between you and her mother/your son and her daughter is particularly helpful here. Your friend and her daughter don’t sound like they value the friendship (with either of you) as strongly as you and your son do and I would be worried about the potential future opportunities for your son to be hurt like this, especially if you seemingly accept this as reasonable or understandable behaviour (ie., not calling it out).

I think inviting your nephew is a great idea (why wasn’t he already invited?), as well as offering for one of his friends to attend, too - they could be “team leaders” and help the younger kids, they will probably have a lot of fun and it would ensure the skill level is even on the teams.

I would take some of the suggestions already given on how to respond to Cowbag, choose what you are comfortable with and what best gets your feelings across, but I definitely would respond and let her know how hurtful this has been for you and your son. She should know and she should feel bad for doing a shitty thing or allowing a shitty thing to be done. You can decide what happens after that in terms of your/their friendship, maybe it would be worth trying to move past it or maybe not, depending on what follows.

Personally, I wouldn’t be able to and my other advice would be to do what you can to expand your son’s social circle and your connection with other parents, if that is possible, through maybe joining community groups or local events. Your son will find his people but it might not be as easy as simply connecting with those already in close proximity (eg., school) but maybe through shared interests or connecting in different environments.

Tbrh · 18/05/2025 00:02

TheHerboriste · 17/05/2025 23:32

This is emblematic of the fucked-up me-first attitudes so many kids are being raised with, and why we are ending up with so many immature, interpersonally incompetent adults unable to consider anyone but themselves.

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👏👏👏👏

Ottersmith · 18/05/2025 00:07

Secondchoice2 · 17/05/2025 21:41

Aren’t you a peach.

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What does that mean?

Actually I find a lot of people with ASD children are on the spectrum themselves but don't realise and they find navigating the friendship thing just as hard as the kids. Soon he'll be in secondary school and non of this will be up to you so you won't be able to blame the parents then. This whole thing is way overblown.

NewShoesForSpring · 18/05/2025 00:09

So judging by a lot of the responses here none of you book birthday parties that have a guest number requirement?

That seems strange to me

OP you're not overreacting imo & I'd be very pissed off too

BigHeadBertha · 18/05/2025 00:15

Ottersmith · 18/05/2025 00:07

What does that mean?

Actually I find a lot of people with ASD children are on the spectrum themselves but don't realise and they find navigating the friendship thing just as hard as the kids. Soon he'll be in secondary school and non of this will be up to you so you won't be able to blame the parents then. This whole thing is way overblown.

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I totally agree. This is a small party for a ten-year-old's birthday, not a wedding.

As far as invitations and etiquette, if my kid had already accepted a party invitation, under normal circumstances, that's the party my kid would attend. It's important to teach manners.

However, the OP doesn't know that the other invitation actually is the reason the other mother withdrew her child's acceptance, she only assumes it.

After reading this thread, I think it's quite possible that other mother actually decided to withdraw from this party because the OP had just gotten to be too much.

The other invitation could have been her way of relieving her daughter's disappointment or it could even have just been a coincidence.

This thread is seeming increasingly off-kilter to me because the other mother and her child seem to have been made solely responsible for the success or failure of the OP's kid's party.

The other mother says her kid can't make it after all and suddenly she is a "cow bag" and a "shit bag?"

Wow. If that's how dependent and intense the OP had become with the other mother, I don't blame her for getting out of this deal.

If I hadn't agreed to throw or co-host a party, I wouldn't want all that on my shoulders.

Bechange997 · 18/05/2025 00:18

BigHeadBertha · 18/05/2025 00:15

I totally agree. This is a small party for a ten-year-old's birthday, not a wedding.

As far as invitations and etiquette, if my kid had already accepted a party invitation, under normal circumstances, that's the party my kid would attend. It's important to teach manners.

However, the OP doesn't know that the other invitation actually is the reason the other mother withdrew her child's acceptance, she only assumes it.

After reading this thread, I think it's quite possible that other mother actually decided to withdraw from this party because the OP had just gotten to be too much.

The other invitation could have been her way of relieving her daughter's disappointment or it could even have just been a coincidence.

This thread is seeming increasingly off-kilter to me because the other mother and her child seem to have been made solely responsible for the success or failure of the OP's kid's party.

The other mother says her kid can't make it after all and suddenly she is a "cow bag" and a "shit bag?"

Wow. If that's how dependent and intense the OP had become with the other mother, I don't blame her for getting out of this deal.

If I hadn't agreed to throw or co-host a party, I wouldn't want all that on my shoulders.

Edited
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I wonder if the mother is on the spectrum too. I say that as a woman with autism. I know I often check if people can still make events and it could potentially annoy them and make them stressed.

Pineapplewaves · 18/05/2025 00:33

Your son does not have enough friends for him to have the birthday party that you wanted him to have. You have admitted that he struggles to make friends and that he only has two good friends. So why would you arrange a party that requires 8 participants? You should have arranged something for your son and his two good friends plus the nephew that would be happy to attend.

Your friends daughter was happy to attend when she had nothing better to do but when one of her real friends came up with a better offer of course she was going to go to that instead.

You need to wake up and face reality not blame your friends daughter for choosing her real friends over your son. Your son could have had a lovely time doing something else with his two real friends.