Party pooper - How to respond?

[Secondchoice2]

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

I don’t think you can either

Maybe the best revenge is to have a brilliant party where everyone has a tremendous time and gleefully tell her afterwards how fantastic it was and a pity her girl couldn’t make it…..have a beaming smile on your face when telling her

Yeah already been suggested. I built a bridge, got over it and carried on! Plus I can handle being called a cowbag 😉

You don’t teach your children that they can decline an invitation they have already accepted just because something else comes along.

I agree with PP suggestion that you join in the game yourself. We've had a few laser tag parties and my DP and older DC (both adults and teens) have always joined in with the smaller kids. They LOVE it, apparently it's really fun.
(Bonus as you will then be the cool mum too 😆)
The other mum has not behaved well here, but I think I understand why she did it - as another poster said, it's about friendships with girls. Notoriously tricky.
Has she apologised at all? I think if I wanted to maintain the kids' friendship I would take the line of "more in sadness than in anger" and just say how disappointed you both were, and how sad it made your son. The truth, in fact.

But it was an extremely nasty thing to do….surely you can see that ?

If you are incapable of seeing that then it truly says a lot about you

That’s really sad and she’s a shit friend.
I would tell her you and your son are very disappointed and then I’d ghost her if I’m honest! What a horrible thing to do.

Yes but I also believe calling a little girl names takes a whole special type of nasty. You agree with that right?

I don't think its fair what the ops friend did. But I don't think the op should have put so much on the attendance of one person. That's bizarre to me. Hence my reply.

Could you send a text to a load of parents, including combat "hiya folks, someone has pulled out if DS party at xxx on x date at the last minute. We really need 8 kids for the party to go ahead. Anyone free to fill the gap so my wee boys party can go ahead. Sorry it's such last minute - would really appreciate it - so stressed"

This poster is my hero:

I had a vaguely similar situation with a mum pulling the whole ‘Oh there wasn’t enough space to invite everyone’ when my daughter was one of 2 kids not invited out of a large friendship group. When I next saw her face to face she tried saying “oh no hard feelings I hope, ha ha, just one of those things”. I just shrugged and said “you could have invited the whole group, you chose not to. That’s your choice but I’m not going to pretend that’s perfectly fine. It’s a shitty thing to do.” Then just stood and looked at her. She looked horrified and it was never mentioned again. But she was noticeably much more ‘careful’ around me, very nicey nice.

I'm sorry, OP. That's really, really shit for your son. Cowbag has behaved very poorly here.

You are appealing to what I want to do.

Then all you’re going to do is cut off one of your son’s two friendships.

What an absolute bitch. Yes, her daughter might have preferred the other party. That's the perfect opportunity to explain that we don't cancel on friends when we get a 'better' offer.

I can't believe another mum would do this knowing you had struggled to find the numbers. It's horrible of her and such a bad example to her daughter.

Ask your nephew OP. Kids your son's age will likely think it's really cool that he has an older friend there. I hope he has the best party

Bullshit. She just tells the friend she’s sorry, but she’s already busy.

My mum was in your position 50 years ago when her friend pulled her daughter out of my party for the same reason. She ditched the friend. My mum taught me the lesson with that action that you always honour the first invitation you’ve had if you’ve already accepted it. A good rule for life. It’s extremely bad manners to do otherwise.

@Secondchoice2 the CF aside, I don’t think an activity that requires 8 ONLY with no back up is a good idea - such a high chance a child won’t be able to attend on the due due to sickness or family situations…. Then what?

another activity sounds like a much safer choice.

Don’t let Cowbag have any satisfaction by cancelling the party. Rope in who you have to so it goes ahead. They will have fun and your son will gain some confidence that he doesn’t need this girl there to have a good time. This will also be a valuable lesson to your son.

After that, do what you need to facilitate your son and this girl’s friendship but be cool with cowbag. She will know why. You sound like a lovely person so stay on that level, don’t be dragged down to behaviour that is beneath you.

My DD can join. She loves laser tag and is same age. ;)

Now, in seriousness ... it's a shitty situation. You definitely can't ignore this behaviour but equally you don't want to ruin the friendship between your DS and this girl.

I hope it all works out and your son has a great party!

Putting your own child first shouldn’t involve indulging them. Putting your own child first shouldn’t involve teaching them to be selfish. It should involve teaching them good manners and empathy for others. And that they should sometimes put a friend’s needs above their own. Otherwise you will raise very selfish and entitled children.

That woman is a shitbag not a cowbag. You have to tell her what she's done is under-hand and sneaky and that you're really disappointed in her.

To be completely honest here, I would be annoyed if another mother depended on me for her kid's birthday plans. I had my own kids to do the birthdays for and always just did it myself. So just a thought, but she may have resented being the one it all hinged on in the first place.

Of course, if that was the case, she should have told you that, but planning a ten- year-old's party "for months" seems excessive to me. It also may not be the best idea when your son doesn't have many friends. Especially not a party that will be cancelled if every child invited doesn't attend.

Also, I don't think your son's feelings have been mentioned. He may not even care if his friend isn't there. Sometimes simple and casual is best.

I also have a son on the spectrum. He's grown now and while he has a good job, he still has some social deficits. We'll have a birthday dinner for him or go out somewhere, and if a friend of his is around, they're welcome too. But even now, trying to shoehorn him in on a celebration with a group of his peers wouldn't likely work out very well. For one thing, most of his friends are my age lol. He dances to his own tune and that's that lol.

Best wishes to you. It's a struggle and we learn as we go. Regardless, he's very fortunate to have his mother in his corner.

I use cowbag as I don’t like to sweat but you are right she is a shitbag for what she has done. There is no excuse for her behaviour.

The thing is, not only has she let both you and your son down, she has made it clear she cannot be relied on or trusted. She is also a moron for not realizing this.

I think they’re just saying (and I agree) that this could’ve been the choice of the girl, not her mother.

You can’t force a kid to go to a party when they don’t want to go.

Exactly.

Unfortunately many selfish, entitled parents seem to revel in raising selfish, entitled offspring, as this thread clearly demonstrates.

Sometimes I feel pity for those who are so ignorant, but it’s also exasperating.

Yes I agree. it’s wrong to accept an subsequent invitation and people should be teaching their Dc to have more integrity. But in today’s “why shouldn’t I” society, I’m not surprised she did this.

I’m sorry OP. It’s disappointing and hurtful - which is why this is such bad etiquette.

I don’t really have any advice because she isn’t going to change course and even if she did it would cast a pall and be awkward.

I don’t think there’s any point challenging her on it; you only sink towards her grubby level. But you have seen her for who she is now and, even if you need to hero the contact for your DC’s sake, I’d be not investing your own energies into friendship with her particularly. Compartmentalise her in your mind to what you absolutely need her for going forward as she’s a flake,