Party pooper - How to respond?

[Secondchoice2]

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

Agree. Weird.

And also OP, a bit risky to assume all 8 could come to the party. What would you fo if one or two kids were sick last minute, then you’d also have to cancel?

It wasn’t a nice thing to do, but OP your overreaction is not normal.

If one kid woke up sick you’d still have to cancel, so it’s on you having organised a party that is dependant on everyone turning up.

I see where you are coming from but I do think the whole party bag thing is a bit passive aggressive ( and I don’t often endorse the use of that term).

I actually think, op, in this instance, and given cowbag only sent a text, silence is your most eloquent friend. You don’t need to get angry or lecture her or try to guilt trip by saying it’s so sad OR to shame her by showering her with a party bag; just don’t say it’s fine. She’s helped you in that by texting not facing up to you to explain.

But they didn’t wake up sick.

OP might have worn and accepted the risk she had taken on that score, and not started this thread.

She’s upset because that’s NOT what happened. If this was the moon not the UK, you’d be a Martian. But it isn’t and you’re not.

I think it’s the cowbag who’d prefer dd to “ feature” at the other party anyway…

ETA even though it’s likely the dd is only a fill-in for someone else who has pulled out at this point.

Indeed. I was taught from a very early age that acceptance of an invitation/offer was binding and couldn't be overridden by a subsequent invitation/offer. As an adult, I feel very strongly about it.

It doesn’t apply in this situation, but judging by experiences of other party givers you could add point E:
‘I may or not bring all my other children along even though they have not been invited’.

Op honestly reading all your.posts I do understand why you feel hurt but I also understand why she may have pulled out.. that doesn't mean it was right of her. I think to some degree you changed the type.of activity to ensure she attends, because I don't understand why you would have made the activity suitable for her otherwise. I think you were planning this to ensure the party went ahead and your child had guests, which is perfectly OK. He's your son and you want a nice bday for him, in turn cowbag had her own worries about her daughter and felt conflicted when she was invited to the other party and ultimately opted to attend to the other party so her daughter would be in this friendship group. Don't underestimate the significance of these parties at that age and yes it's shitty but I think you should not take it personally, she's not dissing your son she's just putting what she thinks is her daughters best interests first. Which I think is what you were both doing. I think you should talk to her next time you see her and tell her how you feel , if she's a good friend she will understand why you feel this way and I'm sure she will explain!

Yes, but in putting ourselves (or our children) first, there are parameters - in this case manners and kindness.

Op didn’t breach either.

Taken to its extreme, an unfettered right to put ourselves first could justify murder. That’s why the parameters are important.

The scary thing is I bet some of those later options would get ticked …

I agree it's a bit passive aggressive 😂But I also think it's a nice gesture of friendship between the children for the little girl to still receive a party bag. They will be oblivious to the mum drama.

Not acknowledging it at all might just be a massive relief to cowbag and that doesn't seem fair!

I do understand, but you've got abit over the top with your reply. I've posted about a children's party and you're coming at me about murder, and if I haven't explained my point , let me explain now. I didn't mean it was OK to let someone down in this way.. I mean I can maybe understand the reasons so put your murder charge away 🤣

I haven’t charged you with murder: I’ve argued in extremis to make the point a clear one.

Sometines it helps people to see why line crossing is off to consider where the rationale can lead.

I’m certainly not thinking of you in that light!

I haven’t charged you with murder:

🤣🤣👏👏👏🥰🥰🥰

That is really shitty of Cowbag 😠 Especially shitty that she knows your son’s difficulties and that you changed the party to suit her daughter.

I can’t imagine not going to a party you’d accepted the invite for, especially as a mum who’s organised parties.

As others have said, it’s really just basic manners…always tidy up after yourself in a restaurant, don’t barge past people, be respectful, say thank you, offer sweets etc to other people, offer your seat to someone that needs it…all the stuff we do that ensures children think about the needs of others.

Really difficult that she put you in the position of potentially damaging the kids’ friendship. I would say something but tell her that you aren’t going to let it affect the friendship between the children as the relationship is important for your son.

I think I would reply “Oh. Can I ask - if you have double booked, why is it my son’s party that you are missing, rather than the other invitation given that Bella’s invitations only went out 2 days ago? Especially when you have been helping me organise it for several months and we changed it from paint balling to laser tag specifically to suit your daughter? This is extremely disappointing given that we will now have to cancel the party.”

Could nephew bring a friend or two, and you have your son and his friends against the 15 year olds? We've done this in the past where we've taken groups of kids and had adults v kids games, or when we went on a work do and ended up pitted against a 9 year olds birthday party (we lost by a huge margin). Much more fun to unite the younger ones as one team!

Hard as it is, I would not risk imploding my son’s friendship by saying anything to the Mother. You won’t convince her she’s in the wrong. In her mind, she’s decided to prioritize her daughter over your son. You won’t convince her she’s wrong about this. She knew this would cause a rupture, she knows you know she’s lying. And she decided all that was worth it. If you take a stand you will just set off defensive thinking in her head and you’ll just push her further into cooling the friendship between your son and her daughter. And remember, it sounds like she wants that friendship to cool, anyway.

If you want your son to keep this friendship, you need to not further rupture things with the Mother. It’ll be tricky enough for the friendship to survive the move to secondary school without adding hostility between you two into the mix.

I think it's difficult to take it anything other than personally or a slight on your child...

I've got a kid with additional needs and friendships are very hard to support!

I think that what I would probably do is take whatever action is needed so that you aren't the reason the friendship fails. So, leave DS to decide if he still wants to be friends with her but don't send any rude messages to the mum or stop doing playdates with the children etc.

But hell would freeze over before I did a favour for her after she has backfired this so spectacularly!

I also agree with a PP that in future a very cool activity for 2/3 kids - zoo, theme park, acquarium etc - has a lot more kudos in school, than a party for 8 where you're scrabbling to find invitees. And that you would be better steering DS towards this sort of party in future.

That's just life. While it is frustrating and upsetting, we can't control people or make them stick to their word.

Try to stop feeling so "vengeful" and just move on.
Life is difficult and disappointing and people let us down all thr time, it's how we deal with it that matters.

Make a decision on whether it's more important you 'call her out' or keeping your child's friendship with this girl.
If it's the latter, just keep telling yourself we can't control anyone or make them live how we would.
If you can't accept it and it makes you too upset, cut contact as much as you can because you will just be irritated by, and questioning everything this woman says and does in future.

I agree with all this op.

Don’t let your ( justifiable) hurt ruin the relationship for DS.

But I would add to this that I’d be actively pursuing other friendships to support. Is there a club or hobby he might click with?

Can you put a message out in social media or school WhatsApp asking for a child to fill the gap at last minute

you never know another parent who has a similar child who would love to be invited ?

bit of a long shot and bit embarrassed but swallow your pride for the sake of his party 🎈

id also not message cowbag , take the graceful high road on that

I wouldn't say or do anything that will make the situation worse for your son. He is top priority in this. I'd be seething with this woman, but shes shown you who she is now so in future you can manage your expectations of her.

This is a genius idea. It would be super-cool to have teens there as well. I bet there would be quite a buzz about it on Monday back at school!!