Party pooper - How to respond?

[Secondchoice2]

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

Or, she's just a little girl who has ended up being DS's emotional support animal 50% of the time, and her mum is putting a boundary in place so she can have a less intense friendship.

I absolutely wouldn’t flake on a commitment. That’s awful, and I get why you’re so cross and upset.

Having said that, please do consider that maybe the friendship isn’t working as well as you think for her DD.

I had to manage a very intense friendship at primary school for my DD which she outgrew. She wanted to play with other children sometimes, but felt responsible for the other child who didn’t want to play with anyone but her. As a pp said, she became entirely responsible for this child’s emotional needs and happiness at school - always partnering in class, always playing the games the other child liked in the playground - and DD felt too guilty to choose to work or play with other children, or to say anything to the friend.

It was really tricky, and the other child’s mum thought how lovely this close friendship was, and had no idea that my DD felt stifled by it at the end of 7 years.

That’s ridiculous. No wonder so many people on Mn struggle with friendships if they can’t communicate about a hurt, and jump straight to the nuclear option.

If you had read all OP's posts, you would have seen that OP's friend's daughter has told OP's son that she would prefer to attend his party but her mum wants her to have more female friends. She is obviously much closer to OP's son than to this girl and doesn't see this other party as a 'better offer'. This is the mum's decision, not the daughter's.

I’m usually on the people pleasing side of life so I’m struck that my instinct to this is a bit different to most.

While I do think it’s a shitty thing to do, I think that the whole situation is so intense for you because of your worries about your DS and his social limitations. Which I completely get as I have one in that situation and get very anxious about it too.

But a party that rests on having 8 guests was always going to be risky, ime people always pull out at the last minute, kids get sick, some people just never respond to the invite and you never know til you get there if they are coming.

I do appreciate that shes your friend though and to pull out when she knew all this, is shitty, I’d never do it even if my child said they preferred the other party. But I think I have a bit of an issue of not wanting to upset people, sometimes at the expense of what my family want. I see on Mn all the time, encouragement to women to do what suits them and their family, and I’m sure if the reverse of this was posted, some would say, it’s hard but you need to put your DD first. Does that make sense?

I’m sad for you OP, and your son, but I think this is part of helping him learn, people are free to do what suits them, and they will, and we need to accept that even if we don’t like it. I think you need to let your strong anger about it pass before you decide how to respond.

You're just making stuff up to show OP in a bad light. Up until now, there has been no drama in their kids' friendship and OP hasn't said anything to her friend about the current situation yet and is using this thread as a sounding board to come to a decision about the best course of action.

There are people who have told her not to say anything to the mother who have managed to show empathy and understanding to OP and her son and there are others who have put the boot in, particularly those who seem to relish pretty much telling OP that no-one would want to go to her son's party if they had another offer and she should just suck it up.

My kids have done loads of laser tag parties over the years. I’ve always gone in on one of the teams too. Mainly because I love it, but also some of the younger ones can get a bit nervous. Definitely get nephew involved & possibly a couple of other older kids or adults on standby.

Secondly, unless you have hired the whole place, they will likely be running a second party at the same time. This can actually work quite well, because it’s then your party against the other party.

Give the venue a call and check if there is another party also happening. Consider roping in a few aunts/uncles willing to bulk out DS’s team/s.

I think this is a bit harsh, but I also wouldn't be picking activities for anyone else, especially one with such critical numbers.

Where are you @Secondchoice2?

I have a ds9 who’d happily come!

That's shity behavioour of Cowbag, but she is leading by what her daughter wants, obviously (changing venue and then accepting the other invite).
TBH, when my DCs were young I rarely did a party which hinged on a certain number of children coming as you always get drop outs at the last minute for numerous reasons. I learnt that very early on.
I hope your DS gets his party in the end.

The kid probably would but doesn’t mean she should. Terrible way to raise your child. To teach them to think only of yourself and your happiness, good luck when she grows up and never visits because she has something more fun on offer, teaching children to be selfish and not honour commitments and think of others will always backfire.

This is tricky because you now have realised this woman is not your friend. That really hurts and it’s a nasty rejection.
Your son’s friend may not have had much choice in this so remember she has not rejected him and they are for now still friends.
I would still encourage this friendship for his sake but I would treat the mum now like an acquaintance, just a parent that you barely know.
You do not need to give her personal information or a right into your private life anymore, do not tell her about your sons struggles etc as unfortunately this appears to have been used against you now that she realises she wants her daughter to be popular and your son is not.
As he grows older he will find his people, maybe just a couple but that’s ok and their parents will also see what a great boy he is and be grateful that he is a nice friend for their child.

Bit rubbish of the mum. But surely the venue only need you to pay for eight, and don't have to have a minimum of eight actually doing it? Annoying to pay for someone who is not there, but it's only what you'd have been paying anyway, and no-one loses out on a party other than the child whose mother "double booked".

Yes the OP does need a mini mum of 8, she’s made that point already.

1. the little girl sounds sweet and it was poor behaviour on Cowbag’s part. We have to teach our kids how to be decent people and cancelling your attendance at an event because you had a ‘better’ offer is poor form.
2. in terms of how to behave with Cowbag and not wanting to jeopardise your DS’s friendship with the daughter, I can understand the dilemma between saying something and not. However it sounds as if Cowbag is already wanting to cool the friendship with your DS. If you say something that may be all the justification she needs to cool off the friendship completely. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling people when they’ve been shit (though I am a dreadful people pleaser myself and will often accept shit behaviour to keep the peace!). Is there a way of saying something brief “thanks for letting me know. That’s really disappointing”???
3. as someone else pointed out I’m not sure this party was such a great idea. Your DS struggles for friends but you picked something that required 8 people. Also, there’s usually at least one person who drops out of a party last minute. I’m sorry your DS isn’t that popular. The whole thing around popularity and parties is absolutely awful and I hated it when my DC were young. It’s very hard. Next year maybe choose something more relaxed and easy to facilitate. My friend did games in the local park and it was great! Didn’t matter how many people came.
4. If your nephew joins in I am sure the kids will love it. He sounds ace. Good luck with it all!

Glad you have a back-up guest. Cousins are always good at stepping up! (Actually always first choice guests in our family - no matter the age!)

It's disappointing, but I would just tell her how you feel (Literally, 'oh, that's so disappointing!' is all that's needed in response.)

The lasertag place will make the party really fun.

You can tell her afterwards: 'Yes, we had such a lovely time. How was othergirl's party?'

She knows she is a cowbag. No need to call her out on it.

Your attitude is disgusting Mirroar.

We have a lot of female autism in our family - its quite common for autistic girls to want to play with boys as NT girls have quite complicated social codes.
What this woman did was horrible and she's been a terrible role model for her daughter ... but I suspect she is worried about her own daughter's social skills especially since they will be going to high school in a few years. She's probably desperate to see if her daughter can make female friends.

I have been the parent that has sucked up poor behaviour from other parents because I was worried about my children's lack of friends. It eats away at you and you lose faith in the human race! I think there is a middle ground - one say nothing over the phone or text - better to only talk in person so feedback can be given and body language and voice tone can be taken into account.

But I would say we are OK now, X's cousin stepped in and the kids loved having a teen muck around with them ...but I was incredibly hurt as you know we planned this party around ensuring both X's friends could be there. You know how he struggles socially. The most important thing to me is X and I hope X and Y will still be good friends but its hard for me not to feel hurt because I considered you a friend too.

I’m sure this will be unpopular, but I don’t think it’s really fair to put the weight of responsibility of the party on one child’s shoulder, or to expect another parent to put your child ahead of their own.
These things happen, I don’t think your son will benefit from it being treated like a big deal to be cross and upset about. You need to focus on a solution and having a good party. No one was beholden to come however much you wish they would.

well I guess we all know what people do when they want to indulge in shitty behaviour : DARVO.

I think some people want to defend the cowbag because they know it’s exactly how they would act.

There is some truth - some - in the fact that op has perhaps not chosen the “ safest” party option. But she has wanted to give him a wonderful day. It must be hard when your child struggles socially. I don’t believe you just shrug your shoulders and say “‘oh well, I’m not going to be there to help when he’s older so he might as well just face rejection and disappointment now.” You try to give them experiences that build their confidence socially and inspire them to enjoy them. That’s a natural parent response - and if it was really “ all too much” for the other woman, well, it was no secret what op was organising. She could have fore-warned op then that she felt somehow vaguely overwhelmed that her daughter was invited and that people might not come good and turn up - including herself.

But I think it has nothing to do with that: she fully intended for her daughter to come until the daughter got a better offer. Pure and simple. Then, because she’s a person who puts herself first, she’s texted to say so because she lacks integrity or manners and felt too awkward to actually put on her big girl pants and explain to op.

People are just increasingly self-centred. They don’t like to “ have” to bother with extended family, they don’t like the constraints of manners or etiquette then they wonder why, when things go wrong, life seems an empty, difficult place and MH issues are sky-rocketing ( some of those because of the impact of other people’s selfishness not their own).

Oh that is horrible-how mean of the mum. Have you replied to her?

I would be quite cautious of booking a birthday event though that needs an exact number to run as there's often a dropout on the day due to totally unforeseen occasions-illness, accident, family emergency etc. What will you do if one of two more drop out on the day-can the party still happen?

So?! Crap lesson to teach your kids that they can just ditch people/friends and prior engagements if a "better" offer comes along.
OP, YANBU. Very shitty of cowbag.

I don't know why so many people are questioning the friendship between the little girl and OP's son. I think it's extremely likely that the choice of party was down to her mum: an unexpected invite from a crowd that her daughter isn't really 'in with' and the mum got excited about it. I remember being a shy little girl and an invite like that would seem too socially advantageous not to accept. It would also be absolutely terrifying to go to a big party full of girls I wasn't close with! So I feel for her as well as OP's son.
Hopefully both kids manage to have nice days in spite of CB's choices, and their friendship survives. I do think it's very possible to give CB a measured 'calling-out' without damaging the kids' friendship.
Keep a party bag for the girl and upon giving it to the mum explain how lucky it was that your nephew was able to save the day, because otherwise you'd have had to cancel. Mention what a shame it was that her daughter missed out on her preferred activity. Say that you're sure they'll want to do something fun together soon to make up for it (maybe in her guilt she'll offer to arrange this?)

I’m really sorry. Nothing to add except she’s a grade A cow bag for sure!!

A d that’s a valid concern; but you don’t manage it by pulling out of the party you know you represented your dd would come to . You look for a gentler withdrawal.