Party pooper - How to respond?

[Secondchoice2]

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

OP, I'd write a message calling her out. Explaining you're incredibly hurt her dd is going to another party, to which she was invited more recently.
That you've made lots of accommodations for her requirements and are now left in a very difficult position.

Obviously she's broken your trust.

I would take what the dd is saying with a pinch of salt. She may feel guilty and making up a story to save face. Or maybe that is what happened and cb is just a massive b**ch. It's awful playing kids off each other but you should make sure you're unavailable should she have an upcoming party, if invited.

This has to hurt and I’m really sorry you and yr Son has been hurt like this.
Callous and unfeeling, her choice, hope her conscience troubles her. I hope you have the best celebration without your two-faced ‘friend’.

I am going to design an invitation that has a tear off slip:
A) I am a functioning adult and my child would love to come
B) I am a functioning adult and I am afraid that my child cannot attend
C) I am a cow bag and my child will come unless they get a better offer
D) Default. I am a flake, I won't reply and you'll have no idea if my child will turn up or not.

This is just unacceptable though, and is teaching the young girl such a bad way of dealing with life! My daughter knew, from around 4 years of age, that if you accept an invitation you don't then ditch it if something better comes along!

I hope slept well, OP. Just popping on to say that a 15 year old at a 9 year olds party is not weird, it's exceptionally cool. Or it would be in our family - my kids are ecstatic when the teenage cousins show up at a family party. Just make sure he's on the same team as your son and tell him he's got to win 😅

Yeah, it’s really poor behaviour by Cowbag. She doesn’t want her shy daughter hanging around with your son as much because it tweaks her own insecurities- she wants her in with the girly girls. And she probably wants to be in with the girly girls mum crowd, too, so she’s thrown you and your son under the proverbial bus to get there.

I think keep your distance until the heat of the emotion has worn off, it doesn’t stop you speaking frankly to her at a later stage still but I’d also be worried about torpedoing one of your son’s two friendships. If your husband can’t keep doing drop offs, just vary your timings slightly- be early or late, park elsewhere, stand on the other side of the playground, find an excuse to go into the office, talk to any random parent standing on their own etc. One more week till half term.

Is there any danger of anyone else pulling out? I reckon a load of MNers would willingly come on down and pad out the party (and pay for our kids too) if you were near them, I certainly would and my lot all love lazertag.

I am so glad we’re past the big party phase, my are teens now. It does get so much easier when you can just fund a shopping day or cinema trip for 2/3 of them. You sound lovely, your son sounds lovely. Hang in there x

I’m in a similar life situation with my DS and I 💯 understand - Cowbag sucks!!!! What a total flake. I think it will be cool with you nephew.

I'm sorry ,but that's where you went wrong
Why would you give someone so much power
It was your son's birthday, what he wanted to do was most important,not some random child .
Can you cancel the whole party and rebook exactly what your son wants ,
Definitely invite the nephew and any other nice relatives children.
The woman has treated you very badly,she is not your friend.

I'm sorry to say this but could Cow bag be using you and your son to pick her daughter up from school and do her a favour?

I think she has acted terribly here. I am generally in the camp of you stick with your first commitment and I teach this to my kids as well but in your situation, I'd be even more firm on that

Knowing your son struggles socially and that the party needs a minimum of guests, even if cowbags daughter begged to go to the other party, I'd be pointing out she had committed to your son and tell her she can invite party girl 2 over the next day to spend time with her

I think loyalty and integrity are important qualities to teach kids and that friends are not superficial and disposable when the perceived "something better comes along" and everyone could do with taking that stance

Agree with this, most parties DS has been to have had older siblings/family members there and if appropriate taking part in the games and activities (which would be the case here), and lots of the children think its cool!

Thats a really mean comment. Its not op's sons fault that he struggles socially either.

He deserves to have a lovely party and he and the op deserve to have one day where he feels accepted and enjoy the company of his friends who have committed to coming.

It's awful what cowbag has done, but it sounds like your kids are great friends. I would cool it with cowbag, but facilitate the kids friendship as best you can. It will probably be difficult for you and if she asks why just be truthful but civil with her. Hope you can rope your nephew in and your son has a great birthday party.

I totally understand your disappointment and frustration, OP.
If you've heard of the Let Them theory by Mel Robbins, I'd try and follow that to help you overcome this. Basically that you can't control what other people do so try and relieve yourself of that anger and upset at them. (Not that I think you were controlling, you just expected your friend not to let you down!)
As a mum, who has been in a similar situation, I'd say that you need to do whatever is best for your child. So if that means saying nothing and letting your child continue with the friendship, do that. You're doing it for your child and just mentally let go of your friendship with the other mum.

Thinking back to school days my two DC have autism,and parties were a nightmare of not being invited and people not turning up ,and playground politics all the way .
I had to learn very fast to not care and thankfully I had DC who didn't care either .
Dc1 we will about 3 parties for at home and people came from his class ,but he never got a single invitation back ,not one ..
Dc2 made it very clear early on he hated parties and didn't want his own or to go to anyone else's .
But definitely the years 5 to 8 I needed very thick skin to not care about lack of invites and lack of acceptance.
I can understand you tailored the party to the little girl , probably painball wouldn't be good for a shy type ..
But all parents have their worries about their child ,and cowbag clearly feels worried her daughter is not in with the girls ,and so she had to accept the party on the same day as your son's .
We are all just trying to do the best for our own children
But definitely definitely don't give anyone so much power in future

The mum is indeed a cowbag. If you've accepted an invite you honour it.

Without meaning to be unkind op, is this girl as good a friend as you think?

God, that's bitchy, rubbing it in that OP's son doesn't have many friends.

Honestly, OP, after reading all of your posts, I get the impression you've been leaning heavily on Cowbag and her DD and it's quite likely Cowbag has deliberately pulled out because she's realised that. Does she really want her DD to have more female friends? Or is it more that she wants her DD to not have any friends who are so reliant on her?

Children cancel on birthday parties at the last minute all the time. They get sick, their parents forget, they misbehave and get pulled from the party as a punishment... any number of things can happen. So, bearing in mind the standard drop out rate and how few close friends your DS has, I think it was always pretty risky to book an activity requiring such a large number of children for it to definitely go ahead.

Given ASD is genetic and just how upset you are about this... have you been assessed yourself? RSD is really difficult to cope with if you don't know that's what you're experiencing, and haven't had any ND-coaching for it.

I'm truly sorry the party is at risk and that you feel so upset about it. But I don't think having a go at the mother of one of only two children your DS gets on with is a smart idea. Cowbag will only distance herself and her DD from you and your DS even further.

I'd accept that Cowbag is unhappy with her DD taking responsibility for your DS's emotional wellbeing, and downgrade her in your head to a classmate rather than a bestie. So, someone who DS enjoys spending time with when he gets a chance, but not someone reliable.

I'd also be careful not to start leaning too heavily on the remaining good friend.

Making friends is hard for most people, let alone those of us who are ND, but why is it so important that DS has loads of friends? Is he unhappy that he doesn't have loads of friends (hence organising a party for 2 x 8 kids) or are you the one who is upset that he isn't fitting into the mould of the popular child, with so many bubbly friends he regularly plays with?

Not all ASD people actually care if they have a big social circle, and are quite content to just have the time and space to pursue their special interests, with or without people. I'd put more energy into facilitating DS's special interests (or finding out what those are). If he makes some more friends along the way as part of that, great. If he doesn't, but he's happy enough as he is, also great.

You say that he's a cheerful lad, but cheerful can mean happy with his own company. And that's not a bad thing.

Put on a brave face, and make the most of what you can salvage. This whole thing has been a tough lesson, but ultimately, it might help you manage better going forward.

I'd set that bridge on fire and then blow it up!

Cowbag and mini Cowbag can do what they want. It's shitty but they've chosen to let OP's kid down.

I would probably block her on all social media and then tell her to her face if she raised it. I'd make a point of ignoring her in public...just say I'd no wish to speak to her and move on.

OP, I hope your little boy ends up having a lovely day.

What will happen if another child falls sick
on the day and can’t attend? I know you want the best for your son but in the future please try not to plan events when you have difficulty meeting the minimum number requirements as it’s so strefor you to plan and you havs fo hold your breath on the day that all will turn up

How will that benefit the OP’s son, who struggles with fruendships and values his friendship with this little girl?

But the children miss out in that case which is a shame. One of DS' friends parents I'm not a fan of for various reasons and although I won't let him over their house I'm civil for the sake of the child.

She's clearly not really a friend if she's chosen to go to another party at such short notice.

OP has said that her friend's daughter has told OP's son that she would prefer to go to his party but her mum wants her to have more female friends, so it sounds as though it is the mum's preference rather than her DD's.

Extend a late invitation to more members the family of one of the other guests who are still coming, Op.
Can't be helped; you can't change a thing about the other rude girl.
Learn for future to perhaps book parties in venues without minimum numbers.