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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP’s Friday night ‘antics’ - was a line crossed?

351 replies

SarahStam · 17/05/2025 08:30

DP and I have been together for 4 years, lived together for 1.5, are engaged and ttc.

I am tracking and we agreed we’d dtd last night. He had plans to meet his friends at the pub ‘for a couple’ and would be home in good time. He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home.

First issue - I was expecting him home at 9 and was still out an hour later, not replying to a text I sent. He then calls me at about 10.45 making barely any sense and clearly pissed. He asks if I can give him a lift home. Fine.

Two of his friends help him in to my car, such was his state. It’s about a 15 minute journey home and half way back, he is sick, it absolutely stunk.

We get home, I tell him to go in and clean himself up and I do what I can to clean the car (he’d have been no help) - luckily most ended up on him.

Once back inside he remembered we’d agreed to dtd. I told him that he was in no state to ‘perform’ and he said he’d try to sober up so started downing water.

I was downstairs for c.20 minutes and when I returned upstairs, he was led naked on the bed. He said he was up for dtd and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind but there was that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

I went ballistic and told him to sleep on the sofa, and I slept in the spare room.

This morning, he has said sorry and that ‘we’re all allowed an off night’. I told him I don’t accept the apology as it stands and am furious with his behaviour.

He just seems so blasé about it, he hasn’t done this before but I feel so disrespected.

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/05/2025 10:59

Forget TTC. He’s nowhere near ready. Let the dust settle. Only you know if this is a one off or ongoing behaviour. If it’s ongoing just end it as you’re clearly not in the same page. If it’s a one-off you need to work together to decide what you actually want as a couple. He wanted a night out. You wanted to DTD. It all sounds very clinical and that you just want to get pregnant regardless of anything else. Why not take the pressure off? Why not focus on getting married and providing a happy home for a baby to come into first?

BruceAndNosh · 17/05/2025 11:00

Your husband officially wins the Worst at Foreplay award

Dingalingalong · 17/05/2025 11:01

Besides being incredibly gross, unattractive, immature and alcohol abusive, he clearly (consciously or not) sabotaged your ttc opportunity. That to me, would be the biggest red flag if them all. I'd highly question his commitment to you and to starting a family. Please think again and dont rush into marriage and ttc with him.

Helloworlditsmeagain · 17/05/2025 11:01

I've been pissed I have never shit myself. My partner has never done it.

CinnamonBuns67 · 17/05/2025 11:01

As it's never happened before I'd not take it to heart too much but make it clear it was awful and he needs to be more careful about his alcohol consumption as it isn't acceptable.

BashfulClam · 17/05/2025 11:01

Oh no I’d be out of there. In 18 years my husband has never got drunk enough to shit our bed (I haven’t either) I couldn’t never be turned on by him again!

Munchyseeds2 · 17/05/2025 11:03

Blimeyblighty · 17/05/2025 08:37

Surprised at some of the reactions here. It’s obviously gross but it wouldn’t be a relationship ender for me as a one off.

How many times before you say 'enough' then??
Once would be enough for me!

mickandrorty · 17/05/2025 11:03

I'm sure some will say its over the top but I honestly couldn't look at him in the same way again. If my husband did that I don't think I could bring myself to have sex with him ever again, it really is beyond revolting.

fruitbrewhaha · 17/05/2025 11:04

Nope, no thanks to that shit. For me it’s not about the timing and that you had planned to dtd. It’s just puerile and gross and not someone I’d want to tie myself to. Either he is very young and needs to grow up or he’s a loser.

You can do better OP.

WickWood · 17/05/2025 11:07

What the fuck?
Driving while drinking?
Being sick over himself and the car?
Shitting the bed?
Absolutely vile. He'd be gone.

whitewineandsun · 17/05/2025 11:07

All you've shown him is that he can literally shit your bed, and you'll fix it for him. It's so demeaning. Yuck.

Mildmanneredmum · 17/05/2025 11:07

My ex husband was exactly like this. Apparently it was "all my fault". Note, the ex husband. Although my experience was extreme, it just got worse and worse and in the end we were divorced. Good luck, OP, and I hope you find a way though this that's right for you.

DemelzaandRoss · 17/05/2025 11:08

Just too revolting for significant words.
So sorry, but you need to put off TTC.
Your DP isn’t ready to be a father & likely doesn’t want to be one at the moment.
You must be feeling extremely sad today.
Go out, treat yourself to anything you fancy. Sadly not the ghastly one today.

Twiglets1 · 17/05/2025 11:09

PeapodMcgee · 17/05/2025 09:18

Definitely marriage before children.

Lol - like that’s the biggest issue here.

sausagedogpookie · 17/05/2025 11:11

How old is this guy? Only an 18yr old (and,yes,I know he’s not 18) could get away with this,(once, mind),face the wrath of his parents, be forced to do ALL the clean-up and be mercilessly ribbed forevermore by his mates for the irresponsibly pathetic state he’d got himself into.
Also,y’know when you scroll down and there’s the ‘similar threads’ bit suggested below? Well OP,if you stay with this man and have kids with him (for god’s sake,please don't,you deserve better and so does any child), you should have a look at those similar threads because without a doubt, there’s your future,right there.😳

GoneGirl12345 · 17/05/2025 11:11

I could have looked past the vomiting. But if he had got on your bed naked, after a day out and night in the pub, then vomiting on himself without having a shower, and expecting sex, that would have given me the biggest ick even before he shat himself.

I can forgive one off drunkeness, but not poor hygiene and that would be the deal breaker for me.

AngelicKaty · 17/05/2025 11:11

@SarahStam Going against the grain here OP, but I've voted YABU - for one reason: you say this is the first time he's ever done this (and you've been together for four years) but you're not trying to find out what prompted his behaviour. Don't get me wrong, getting so incapably drunk that he couldn't even control his own bodily functions is beyond disgusting (and as someone who is emetophobic I would be furious at having to clean up his vomit!) but why aren't you discussing this with him to get to the bottom of why he stayed out and got drunk in the first place (particularly when you're TTC and were planning on DTD Friday night)? Are you sure he wants a child OP? Are you refusing to discuss it with him because you're worried you may discover a far more fundamental reason for not staying with him than his chucking up in your car and shitting the bed?

Muffinmam · 17/05/2025 11:12

So he knew you two had plans and he went out with his friends. He drove his car to the venue where he proceeded to binge drink so much that he couldn’t even call a taxi — he called you to pick him up and his two friends had to help him to your car.

So he vomited on himself in the car and then shit the bed.

That is foul. I have been drunk before but never got to the state where I shat the bed.

Mildmanneredmum · 17/05/2025 11:13

To add - this was all in a heavy industry, heavy drinking culture, and I loved him beyond idolatry. We were indeed soulmates. But - to misquote, there were 3 of us in the marriage, me, him and alcohol. Alcohol won out.

Orangemintcream · 17/05/2025 11:13

He would be cleaning the car and replacing - not cleaning - all of the bedding. All while apologising profusely.

I would NOT be ttc for some time - and certainly not before getting married.

summerstormy · 17/05/2025 11:14

blubbyblub · 17/05/2025 08:32

Do adult men actually behave like this?
vomiting in the car?
shitting on the bed?

I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. This is just not a person I would want to be involved with.

No it would be a deal breaker for me

thats just cross and you want to have sex with him never mind have a baby

raise your ambition

Orangemintcream · 17/05/2025 11:15

In fact since he is unbothered by it this morning I would just having him move out.

No one would behave like that in my home and be allowed to stay.

Branleuse · 17/05/2025 11:17

There would have been a time in my life when i would have probably put up and tried to get past it, but omg , that is fucking vile. I would absolutely implore you to see this as as bad as it is and walk away.

Delphiniumandlupins · 17/05/2025 11:19

Unless you are 42 and ttc is urgent I would postpone that for now. You shouldn't have to ask him, but the minimum he needs to do today is launder and change the bed and thoroughly clean your car. Don't help him. If the bedding doesn't look like new he needs to buy more.
I live in Scotland so responsible people don't plan to drive 'after a couple of drinks'. Long before he was this inebriated, he knew he wasn't driving himself home. If this is totally out of character for him I think you need a discussion as to whether you want the same things from life. Or maybe things are just moving too fast for him? Tracking and planning when you will dtd doesn't sound like much fun.

Snippit · 17/05/2025 11:20

The vomiting in the car, fair do’s, had too much to drink, I’ve been there. Following through with a fart, that is gross 🤢, I’m not sure how I’d get past that?