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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP’s Friday night ‘antics’ - was a line crossed?

351 replies

SarahStam · 17/05/2025 08:30

DP and I have been together for 4 years, lived together for 1.5, are engaged and ttc.

I am tracking and we agreed we’d dtd last night. He had plans to meet his friends at the pub ‘for a couple’ and would be home in good time. He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home.

First issue - I was expecting him home at 9 and was still out an hour later, not replying to a text I sent. He then calls me at about 10.45 making barely any sense and clearly pissed. He asks if I can give him a lift home. Fine.

Two of his friends help him in to my car, such was his state. It’s about a 15 minute journey home and half way back, he is sick, it absolutely stunk.

We get home, I tell him to go in and clean himself up and I do what I can to clean the car (he’d have been no help) - luckily most ended up on him.

Once back inside he remembered we’d agreed to dtd. I told him that he was in no state to ‘perform’ and he said he’d try to sober up so started downing water.

I was downstairs for c.20 minutes and when I returned upstairs, he was led naked on the bed. He said he was up for dtd and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind but there was that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

I went ballistic and told him to sleep on the sofa, and I slept in the spare room.

This morning, he has said sorry and that ‘we’re all allowed an off night’. I told him I don’t accept the apology as it stands and am furious with his behaviour.

He just seems so blasé about it, he hasn’t done this before but I feel so disrespected.

OP posts:
echt · 17/05/2025 10:08

Unbelievable.

Literally.

Motnight · 17/05/2025 10:11

MrsMurphyIWish · 17/05/2025 08:36

I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years and he has never been so drunk he has vomited on himself or soiled himself. I would be angry that he’s not even taking any responsibility.

This. It's not normal behaviour.

Meggie2008 · 17/05/2025 10:12

This is grim.
Sick is one of my biggest phobias, but I would get over the vomiting as a one off, although he'd definitely be getting the car valeted.
On the other hand, I would never get over the shitting the bed, ever. Id never sleep with him again

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 17/05/2025 10:13

Pottedpalm · 17/05/2025 08:34

This is just grim. Why do you feel the need to share details of vomiting, farting and shitting? Have some self respect!

What?? Who is lacking the self respect here, it’s not @SarahStam unless she cleans up after him and doesn’t make him do it, hungover or not.

Imisscoffee2021 · 17/05/2025 10:14

That's gross and annoying on its own let alone the frustration and disappointment involved when ttc by tracking cycles and missing an opportunity. Literally shitting yourself completely in the nude in front of your fiancee is something that csnt be unseen. The least he could be was grovelling and embarrassed in the morning!

PeapodMcgee · 17/05/2025 10:15

Realistically though, a sober person isn't going to wait until a mattress is ruined before just quickly sorting it out themselves. Though perhaps the drunk person should be buying a new mattress altogether...

ForHeartyPeachOtter · 17/05/2025 10:18

Oh no shame he couldn’t perform. You could have conceived last night, then in the future you could look back to that magical night together when you made your first child out of love. Imagine remembering him vomming and chugging down water so he’d sober up enough to impregnate you. Romantic.

Tavimama · 17/05/2025 10:20

Absolute ick. I don't think my legs would ever open for him again! He didn't just cross the line, he pole vaulted it.

Sassybooklover · 17/05/2025 10:21

In all the years I have known my husband he's never thrown up on himself in the car, wet or crapped the bed. If someone is ill, then it can't be helped but this was self-inflicted by alcohol. I would be furious. He clearly doesn't know his limits with alcohol. When we're young, it's all new, but as we get older, we know roughly how much we can drink before we start getting tipsy, let alone blind drunk. I'd have been pissed off having to pick him up to be honest. I hope this morning, he's cleaning up and apologising. He needs to learn some self-control, especially as he specifically took the car, so he wouldn't drink much!! If his mates egged him on, then he needs to grow a backbone, and not be a sheep.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 17/05/2025 10:23

Hes showing you what your life will be like if you have a baby with him. Dont do it.

LoveSandbanks · 17/05/2025 10:23

MrsMurphyIWish · 17/05/2025 08:36

I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years and he has never been so drunk he has vomited on himself or soiled himself. I would be angry that he’s not even taking any responsibility.

I’ve been with my husband 30 years, since he was 19, not once has he been so drunk he’s been sick (even through university years) or shit the bed.

There is no way I could bring myself to have sex with someone who’d shat the bed IN FRONT OF ME no less.

Its one thing caring for your partner if there seriously ill (and I’m not talking flu or a stomach upset) but through drink. Imagine looking after a child and you’ve got to clear up his father’s shit as well as the child’s.

this can not end well 🙄

Queenofkittens · 17/05/2025 10:24

I'm so sorry but when u got to the breaking wind part I started howling with laughter, but it's only funny when it's not your bed sheets!

Sounds like he got very carried away with drinking and as furious as I would be too I do believe we are all allowed to have a night where we have completely effed up as long as no one gets hurt or is cheated on!

Make sure he cleans the bed/sheets and also make him pay to have the car valeted if it still stinks. Then by tonight I would ease up on him a bit but make it clear last night was taking the piss.

Spinachpastapicker · 17/05/2025 10:27

Pottedpalm · 17/05/2025 08:34

This is just grim. Why do you feel the need to share details of vomiting, farting and shitting? Have some self respect!

She’s not the one who needs self respect!! She’s told us what happened, quite factually, to get opinions.

If you can’t handle that, maybe stay off the internet and go polish your pearls.

Iceandfire92 · 17/05/2025 10:28

Congratulations on your plans to conceive with this wonderful man, he sounds like a fantastic role model for any future children you may have.... How low is your bar OP? Do you seriously want to have a child with this actual oaf who shits himself after a night at the pub. If you don't throw him out, in a couple of short years you can look forward to cleaning up two lots of poo, one belonging to a fully grown and supposedly continent adult. Throw in the lack of marriage certificate and the legal protections that would afford you into the mix! Get out and run while you can, please see this as a sign to run, run run!

TheWonderhorse · 17/05/2025 10:29

He definitely fucked up. No question. I would be going nowhere near him for a few days.

I think I would forgive it though, if he cleaned up, and I would never let him live it down either. That sort of quality joke material doesn't come around often. I'd be doing impressions of him.

Peanutlicious · 17/05/2025 10:30

I would run for the hills and not look back. Sorry OP

Heronwatcher · 17/05/2025 10:30

This man is not father material. Red/ brown/ puke coloured flags all over the place.

Heronwatcher · 17/05/2025 10:33

Honestly for me (and I would suggest most people over 25) a night off is a night out with friends and drinks but it has genuinely been about 20 years since I was sick through booze and I have never pooed in the bed. My partner hasn’t either.

godmum56 · 17/05/2025 10:34

I am gonna say dump and be grateful you dodged a bullet

TossieFleacake · 17/05/2025 10:34

You are me 20 years ago.

Trust me when I say this to you ... it will just get worse.
I left him last year after he had come home one night and pissed over all my belongings.
He will not change.
You probably think it's a one off, it's ok, it won't happen again .... maybe you're at the point where you think this is what everyone's life is like, or that you don't deserve anyone better.

No one has to live with a man who gets so drunk he shits the bed.

Ellephanting · 17/05/2025 10:35

So he can’t be trusted to clean up his own vomit? This is the tip of the iceberg, unfortunately @SarahStam . Run for the hills, you do not want a baby with this man child.

whitewineandsun · 17/05/2025 10:35

Disgusting.

First he got so drunk that he threw up in the car, and then he shit the bed? Just absolutely not. I would have the permanent ick.

I really hope you didn't clean up after him.

Oh, you did clean the car. Honestly, OP. He's a grown man. You're making a rod for your own back.

SilviaSnuffleBum · 17/05/2025 10:35

He's probably feeling the pressure of having to schedule a performance in order to conceive a baby.
Is he as invested in the process of TTC as you?

FigTreeInEurope · 17/05/2025 10:36

A bloke who was really wanting to start out on family life, would be prying you with red wine and Marvin Gaye, whilst rustling up dinner, not getting wankered with his mates in town.

It's okay for him to not be ready for kids yet, but you can't deny where his focus lies.

Iceandfire92 · 17/05/2025 10:36

To add, I can't believe any of the posters who would actually contemplate forgiving and staying with a man who SHITS the bed! I have been in some states in the past but have NEVER been close to soiling or urinating anywhere outside of the loo!

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