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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP’s Friday night ‘antics’ - was a line crossed?

351 replies

SarahStam · 17/05/2025 08:30

DP and I have been together for 4 years, lived together for 1.5, are engaged and ttc.

I am tracking and we agreed we’d dtd last night. He had plans to meet his friends at the pub ‘for a couple’ and would be home in good time. He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home.

First issue - I was expecting him home at 9 and was still out an hour later, not replying to a text I sent. He then calls me at about 10.45 making barely any sense and clearly pissed. He asks if I can give him a lift home. Fine.

Two of his friends help him in to my car, such was his state. It’s about a 15 minute journey home and half way back, he is sick, it absolutely stunk.

We get home, I tell him to go in and clean himself up and I do what I can to clean the car (he’d have been no help) - luckily most ended up on him.

Once back inside he remembered we’d agreed to dtd. I told him that he was in no state to ‘perform’ and he said he’d try to sober up so started downing water.

I was downstairs for c.20 minutes and when I returned upstairs, he was led naked on the bed. He said he was up for dtd and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind but there was that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

I went ballistic and told him to sleep on the sofa, and I slept in the spare room.

This morning, he has said sorry and that ‘we’re all allowed an off night’. I told him I don’t accept the apology as it stands and am furious with his behaviour.

He just seems so blasé about it, he hasn’t done this before but I feel so disrespected.

OP posts:
WildflowerConstellations · 17/05/2025 09:48

Pricelessadvice · 17/05/2025 09:42

Am I the only person laughing that he followed through on the bed, whilst stark naked in an attempt to seduce his partner?
I’d struggle to have sex with him again tbh, that vision would be all that would go through my head 🤣

I did find it amusing yes, but put a kid in that picture and it quickly becomes horrifying!

ETA it's all shits and giggles til it's very quickly not

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/05/2025 09:48

and you truly think and believe that this specimen of a man would be a good father ?

what a wonderful role model for your child
how old is this prize ?

Renabrook · 17/05/2025 09:49

He sounds revolting but he is not a performing seal, so you are ttc does he really want sex on demand?

ComeAsYouAreAsAFriend · 17/05/2025 09:50

How did he get into this state in a few hours? Did he drink loads or has he a low tolerance. My dh likes to go out for a night with friends and have a drink I have never in the 26 years I've known him see him in this state

Todayisaday · 17/05/2025 09:50

I think we need more context.
If OP is tracking and being neurotic about TTC, making him come home early every night, putting strict timelines on his every move, basically keeping him prisoner to her body clock, then I think his behaviour is a release from that. They should talk it through and step back from being so uptight about it all.
However, if they have medical or age related considerations then this is also something they need to talk more deeply about his commitment to the process.
Shitting in the bed is disgusting, but once in a lifetime an accident, you can get over it. Repeat offences of being a gross drunken bum are a red flag.

JadedVeryJaded · 17/05/2025 09:51

Outside MN I have never heard of anyone shitting the bed while drunk.

I could never be with a man who did this, certainly never have a baby with him.

2JFDIYOLO · 17/05/2025 09:51

Frankly, why are you trying to conceive with a 14 year old boy?

We need grown men as our partners and fathers of our children.

Adults who take responsibility and think beyond their immediate urge-satisfaction to consequences of our actions.

Not kids who shart themselves and the bed.

Was he like this when you got together?

Also - can't imagine what it must be like to be called home to perform, like a kind of sperm Deliveroo. Is this a reaction? As in - does he actually want a child, is he feeling a bit thoughtful about his role in this?

He isn't ready.

JadedVeryJaded · 17/05/2025 09:52

Where is OP anyway?

DorothyStorm · 17/05/2025 09:55

The point in your story when I thought absolutely not was this:
He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home
He has no self-control when it comes to alcohol. And that was before he shit the bed. Do not have a child with this man.

when are you getting married? As i wouldnt be doing that either.

SpunkySquid · 17/05/2025 09:55

I’d honestly never want to have sex with him ever again. Gross.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 17/05/2025 09:56

I'd get the ick so strongly from his behaviour that it would be the end for me.

ExtraOnions · 17/05/2025 09:56

Has nobody on here ever drank too much and been sick? In my (20 year) marriage, I have been sick numerous times through having too much too drink. It didn’t make me a bad person, made me a bit of a nob. Never sick in the car, but needed to stop so I could be sick behind a bus stop.

Those pre-child days are the time to so daft things.

Never shit the bed though.

I doubt it’s a market as to how bad / good a parent / partner someone will be.

Other than apologise what can someone do? Sack-cloth and ashes, ring a bell shouting shame?

How about “You were a dick last night, don’t do it again” and move on.

pimplebum · 17/05/2025 09:58

Well at least he is communicating with you albeit in a juvenile way :

he doesn’t want a baby
he doesnt respect you
he possibly has a drink problem

Deeppuddles · 17/05/2025 09:58

Ugh, I've binned men off for much less than that, get rid!

Motherofdragons24 · 17/05/2025 09:59

Ok yes it’s grim and he should absolutely clean it up but I’m surprised by the responses tbh. If it’s genuinely a once off I would just forget about it. Generally people don’t intend to get so drunk that they vomit and shit themselves so I can only assume he got carried away, forgot his limit and drank too much. It’s hardly the crime of the century. I would say most adults have drank too much and got pissed a few times in their life, maybe not to the point of shitting themselves tbf. I know I have a few times and I’ve woke up anxiety ridden and embarrassed, my DH would bring me paracetamol and a glass of water and probably have a bit of a laugh about it and make me feel better.

dottydodah · 17/05/2025 09:59

How old is he? are you sure he wants to be a dad.This screams having a wobble to me big time .I would be wary of TTC with someone like this. TBH,they rarely change and having a baby is a huge life change that many men are not prepared for .How would you feel if this happens when baby arrives and needs attention,A serious talk before DTD is urgently needed!

BigHeadBertha · 17/05/2025 09:59

He may not have done this particular grossness before but getting this out of control and going this low does sound like alcoholic behavior.

You can look up the quizzes online to see if someone is an alcoholic online. If he is, please stop the crazy train now and get off it. A baby deserves better than to be brought into a dysfunctional home. Good luck to you.

RhododendronFlowers · 17/05/2025 10:00

He's not got drunk and been sick. It's far worse than that.

lunar1 · 17/05/2025 10:01

How mortified he is today would be a big decider for me on the future m. If it’s a complete one off and he’s devastated at his behaviour then that’s one thing. If he’s being a twat today in any way, I’d end it, that’s no way to start a family.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 17/05/2025 10:01

An 'off night' ... hardly.

This is just revolting, gross behaviour and who he really is, hence is careless pronouncement of it all as an 'off night' ... after you were literally cleaning up his vomit and now likely expecting you to clean his shit.

MaryOBlige · 17/05/2025 10:02

Pottedpalm · 17/05/2025 08:34

This is just grim. Why do you feel the need to share details of vomiting, farting and shitting? Have some self respect!

I often marvel at the odd initial response of some posters on here. How can you read that and your first thought is ‘why do you feel the need to share details…?”
it’s just so very strange to me. I don’t understand your point.

monkeyboy2013 · 17/05/2025 10:07

The blasse bit is a red flag. I would expect major mortification. He doesn't sound ready for responsibility of a kid. Have a real conversation about kids. I'm not convinced he's being honest with himself or you about parenthood. You want 1 kid, not 2.

Ellie56 · 17/05/2025 10:07

As PP have said I do hope he is cleaning all his pukey shitty mess up this morning by valeting the car, washing the bedding and blitzing the bedroom so everything is now clean and sparkling and smells lovely.

MrsClatterbuck · 17/05/2025 10:07

Reminds me of a card I saw recently
"It's all Shits and Giggles
Until someone Giggles and shits"

Funny to read but not so funny irl

ConcernedOfClapham · 17/05/2025 10:08

YANBU over last night.
YABU planning to breed with this man (I’d be very surprised if this is the first red flag after 4 years)
YABU using the acronym ‘dtd’. Just ugh.

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