DP’s Friday night ‘antics’ - was a line crossed?

[SarahStam]

DP and I have been together for 4 years, lived together for 1.5, are engaged and ttc.

I am tracking and we agreed we’d dtd last night. He had plans to meet his friends at the pub ‘for a couple’ and would be home in good time. He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home.

First issue - I was expecting him home at 9 and was still out an hour later, not replying to a text I sent. He then calls me at about 10.45 making barely any sense and clearly pissed. He asks if I can give him a lift home. Fine.

Two of his friends help him in to my car, such was his state. It’s about a 15 minute journey home and half way back, he is sick, it absolutely stunk.

We get home, I tell him to go in and clean himself up and I do what I can to clean the car (he’d have been no help) - luckily most ended up on him.

Once back inside he remembered we’d agreed to dtd. I told him that he was in no state to ‘perform’ and he said he’d try to sober up so started downing water.

I was downstairs for c.20 minutes and when I returned upstairs, he was led naked on the bed. He said he was up for dtd and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind but there was that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

I went ballistic and told him to sleep on the sofa, and I slept in the spare room.

This morning, he has said sorry and that ‘we’re all allowed an off night’. I told him I don’t accept the apology as it stands and am furious with his behaviour.

He just seems so blasé about it, he hasn’t done this before but I feel so disrespected.

It's grim, I'd be upset. But if it isn't usual behaviour I'd just think he is stressed, probably from the preassure of ttc

Please tell me he’s got the bed sheets in the wash and is currently out getting the car professionally valeted?

He obviously doesn't want to ttc and isn't mature enough to tell you.

My husband puked and shat after a sesh. He received the riot act and hasn't done it again, years later.

However you had important plans, and he quite literally shat on them.

Here is some good advice.
Do not have a child with this man.
Do not live with him.
Do not continue in a relationship with him.

I wouldn't be able for the blasé reaction this morning. Absolutely wild behaviour and if he thinks that's just 'a night off', his standards for himself are dreadful.

My DP vommed once on a long taxi journey home from a friend's house who had served us crazy strong cocktails. He asked the driver to stop and was sick in the gutter. That night and the following day he was apologetic and mortified.

I agree. Maybe, just maybe - his drink was spiked, he was going down with a stomach bug anyway etc etc (I think this is unlikely, just playing devils advocate)
but it will be his actions today that count. Unless he cleans / replaces everything he soiled, makes a heartfelt apology and NEVER behaves this way again then I'd LTB. Certainly put all plans to ttc on hold. You can't have a baby with a baby.

Oh god. This made me retch reading it. I’d struggle to have any respect for a man who behaved like that, and certainly wouldn’t after he drunkenly shit the bed.
I would seriously think about whether he’s actually mature enough to parent a child. And I certainly wouldn’t be planning a child with him before marriage.

@Moier I was laughing too from OPs great turn of phrase that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

And then from some of the responses.

Seriously though @SarahStam it's not funny. He has to massively apologise to you, clean up the mess and swear to never get that paralytic again before I would even think about continuing the relationship let alone trying for a baby with this man. I would at the very least put those plans on hold for a while.

Definitely marriage before children.

Leave. He is shit. Literally.

Who will be driving him to pick up the car at the pub?

You seriously want to have a child with this man?

Does he have form for getting that drunk? This shows he cannot regulate his drinking and has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I think one of the things that keeps my marriage strong is that we can both be completely ourselves around each other.
I have on occasion had too much to drink and been ashamed of that and so has he but we are married to the person not the behaviour of a one off night we can’t remember.
If this became a regular occurrence for either of us that would be different but after nearly 20 years we both accept that we’ll very occasionally have a few drinks and embarrass ourselves. We rarely drink so it’s not a big problem that will make us question the whole marriage, we’ll more likely rib the other and what they remember.

If you want a future with this man and a family you need to be each others safe space where you can be truly yourself and occasionally fuck up and tomorrow will be another day.
Nobody can be perfect all the time and if I was ever in a vulnerable position where I was sick and having toilet issues I would want Dh and only want him to know, I’d also afford him the same.
He did something quite disgusting and he’s apologised and probably feels bad but he’s an adult and shouldn’t feel like he’s in trouble.

In my experience men do this when they absolutely do not want you to get pregnant he is doing everything in his power to make you repulse him so that you will not get pregnant by him and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t
But at least you’ve been shown in Advance

How adorable. If you get pregnant you’ll have two family members vomiting and crapping themselves. Wake up for goodness sake

This would give me the ick I just couldn’t get past this. Whatever about the vomiting but soiling himself on the bed in front of you is so disgusting sorry. The being out while ttc isn’t a big deal , it would get tiresome very quickly having regimented prior agreed sex like this.

I shouldn't laugh but this bit "and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind" 😂

If he was truly and genuinely invested in making this relationship work and starting a family why didn’t he stay home, set the mood, have some special time with his partner - share a bottle of wine…….get my drift???

But NO, this selfish arsehole thought a session in the pub was far more important, got absolutely legless, couldn’t control his bodily functions and then just says ‘sorry’ !!!!!

OP, he has shown you his true colours and what you can look forward to in the years ahead if you start having babies. I will leave that one with you but I know what I’d be doing today.

I actually feel a bit sick after reading that sentence. It’s awful.

Totally agree with this, it’s the response from him that would have me seriously questioning if this was truly the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Mortified, extremely apologetic, making amends and changing future behaviour would be the minimum I would expect.
Ignore all the comments about how ‘clinical’ you’re being, sometimes needs must with fertility and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad for that.

This is beyond gross

I think I could only possibly get past that if he was absolutely mortified, begged me not to tell anyone, regarded it as a wake up call and planned to take a break from drinking

His "soz babe" reaction tells you what kind of man he is. You deserve better

Right, is this regular behaviour or has he been out in the past, spewed all over the car and proceeded to shit the bed before? If this is repeat behaviour then good god I’d be gone (even if my bedsheets weren’t white??!!) If not he’s monumentally fucked up and likely dying inside this morning.

I cannot say I’ve never been on a night out and not thrown up after drinking. Although I cannot say I’ve followed through 😂My husband has also been sick on the odd occasion. We function really well together, have children, a very equal partnership. It’s not a deal breaker for me if they are a lovely husband 99% of the time.

I think this is a bit over the top, he had too much to drink, it’s hardly a glimpse into the future.
op has said he’s never done this before, I’d hardly say it’s his true colours then.

Sounds like deliberate sabotage. Are you sure you want a baby with him?