DP’s Friday night ‘antics’ - was a line crossed?

[SarahStam]

DP and I have been together for 4 years, lived together for 1.5, are engaged and ttc.

I am tracking and we agreed we’d dtd last night. He had plans to meet his friends at the pub ‘for a couple’ and would be home in good time. He drove there which he said would mean he would limit what he has to drink so he could drive home.

First issue - I was expecting him home at 9 and was still out an hour later, not replying to a text I sent. He then calls me at about 10.45 making barely any sense and clearly pissed. He asks if I can give him a lift home. Fine.

Two of his friends help him in to my car, such was his state. It’s about a 15 minute journey home and half way back, he is sick, it absolutely stunk.

We get home, I tell him to go in and clean himself up and I do what I can to clean the car (he’d have been no help) - luckily most ended up on him.

Once back inside he remembered we’d agreed to dtd. I told him that he was in no state to ‘perform’ and he said he’d try to sober up so started downing water.

I was downstairs for c.20 minutes and when I returned upstairs, he was led naked on the bed. He said he was up for dtd and almost as the words left his mouth, I heard him break wind but there was that awful sounding wet sound. He’d only followed through onto our white bedding.

I went ballistic and told him to sleep on the sofa, and I slept in the spare room.

This morning, he has said sorry and that ‘we’re all allowed an off night’. I told him I don’t accept the apology as it stands and am furious with his behaviour.

He just seems so blasé about it, he hasn’t done this before but I feel so disrespected.

This has to be a troll post. He’d just thrown up all over himself, would you have actually had sex with him if he hadn’t shit himself? There’s just no way!

it’s irresponsible and would make me question if he is ready for more but we’ve all got too drunk and been sick. I don’t know a single woman who has shit themselves from drinking. I know at least two men. What does that tell you…

I'm a bit baffled why you decided last night was the night to have sex though after he'd vomited everywhere. I personally would have shut him in the spare room as soon as we'd got home! Gross !
So I think a night out drinking is forgivable, vomiting bit off but can happen if not part of a pattern, shitting in bed ... that's probably a no from me especially if he's not absolutely mortfied and trying to clean up and make amends.

Really? You’d be happy to marry and raise a child with a man who vomits in your car and shits in your bed?

Could he possibly be sabotaging TTC on purpose as deep down he doesn’t want kids (at least yet)?

This is an absolute no, this is such a warning to you. Ignore at your peril

I'd bet a lot on the fact the OP wants a child a hell of a lot more than she wants to be with this disgusting waste of space, so will have a baby with him.

Then we will have another thread about what an atrocious father he is.

So it would be worse if they were married? WTF??

I also think there’s a difference between getting sick and throwing up all over yourself.

Kindly, OP…. It’s time to exercise having higher standards in your life.

As well as the obvious hideousness of the uncontrolled bodily functions, he drove to the pub and then was unwilling or unable to control his drinking. The fact he had his car should have been a non negotiable brake on his drinking (TBH in my circle no one drinks at all when they drive - it is completely socially unacceptable). What would have been his plan to get home if you weren't around or were unable to give him a lift?

OP may not be tracking ovulation out of choice, very few people do. It's often something you need to do when the 'being spontaneous and enjoying it' doesn't result in a baby because your fertility is not what it should be. I certainly wouldn't have any kids without it.

I always struggle to be believe the 'he's never done this before' posts. It is quite the leap to enjoying a few on a night out, to being so paraletic he was sick and shit himself...

I would suggest he does this fairly often and it will only get worse with the pressures of pregnancy and new born days.

He seems the type to celebrate 'wetting the baby's head' rolling in wasted while you have a newborn and are knackered.

Just no! I would stop ttc immediately.

It does not sound as though he is good 'Dad' material. Maybe have a rethink.

Yeah nothing here screams father material. There are many men who don’t poo themselves and disrespect their partner- treating the like a maid.

for what it’s worth - there’s growing evidence that sperm quality has a huge role in foetus development and also towards success rate of pregnancy pre 12 weeks.
also placenta health and links to preeclampsia.

so basically him pickling the sperm isn’t giving the swimmers the best chance. He should be reading up, taking supplements and reducing alcohol/or eliminating if he took it as seriously as you who are tracking etc. sharing the responsibility here.

i wouldn’t have kids with him coz this will be your life except you’re trapped inside with a baby.

accidents happen but that he’s minimised it and dismissed what is actually terrible is the issue here. Lack of accountability and low standards. I’d personally move out for a few days and see if he can be remorseful. Go from there but probs stop trying for a bit.
its a massive ick that he thought you’d want to have sex with him in that state.

Of course this could be a one off, but what if it isn't? What if this is a moment you look back on with regret regarding the decisions you made for you and your future children? I live a very risk averse life. I wouldn't go forward with this relationship.

As someone who had a baby with a man who got drunk way too regularly for my liking, this makes me feel ill. wish I had waited for him to cut down his drinking beforehand and he was never like that!

What have I just read? An opening scene from Trainspotting?

If young women think this sort of thing is merely ‘crossing a line’, our country is doomed.

Just press pause on everything and have a long hard think about your situation. What amazing qualities does this man have that encourage you to believe he would be a good father ?

Are you sure he wants to have a baby? Because that’s the sort of thing someone would do if they really didn’t want to have a baby.

The only time I would be willing to move past vomiting all over himself and shitting the bed is if my DH was ill. Out of intoxication, absolutely fucking not! So disgusting and shows he is willing to go back on what he promised of just a couple. So irresponsible.

This. You get what you settle for. He’s giving you a full preview of what to expect, so if you choose this and make all the excuses for him then don’t complain years down the line.

Been with mine over 20 years never behaved remotely like this.
I would never want to go near him again after witnessing all of that.

Jesus! This is gross, of both of you. Him getting in such a state and you… programming procreation as if it was a monthly chore when you are, I suppose still planing a wedding?

Does he really want a baby as much as you do? Or is he just afraid of asking you to take it easy rather than programming everything? Can you wait until you are married? Why do you need to put yourselves through planning a wedding and trying get pregnant at the same time? May be too much pressure on him?

The clock may be ticking but most important thing to bring a child into the world is not how much you want it but whether you can provide the right environment to raise it. Not looking good, is it?

Not normal decent ones no

Also imagine if you had acted that way. Do you think he would just forget about it the next day?

In the nicest possible way, I'd be wanting a better genetic inheritance for any future children. At the very least better sphincter control before getting on to things like intelligence, reliability and so on.